Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[snood]

ATV said:

Have read all of this and what is astonishing is the amount of posters who share the same story, namely the woman drops a bombshell out of the blue

To those that have split up like this, I have a very important question:

Did she split up with you because:

a) You married a wrongun but you didn't know it (i.e. she had a wicked side to her personality that she kept hidden from you)
b) She genuinely didn't love you anymore (i.e. it's your fault that you changed, it was nothing to do with her)
c) She made a mistake or a hasty decision in getting rid of you, and now she has made her bed, she has to lie in it

Would genuinely like to know because I am in a great relationship but all these "bombshell" stories ("I never saw it coming") have got me interested in how British women operate in the 21st century.

Thanks

My story doesn't really fit any of the above. The salient points include...

• I knew her when we were both pushing 20. We went our separate ways then, each marrying someone else.

• We re-met (blame Friends Reunited) she was married, I was divorced.

• She came from abroad to visit me, stuff happened. On her second visit she accepted my proposal of marriage.

• We married ten years ago. The marriage effectively lasted seven years.

• She lit out at the beginning of September, to live locally with her daughter.

• Solicitors are at war. She came back to the UK bankrupt, my family bought the house and business premises.

The short answer to your question, then, is my inescapable conclusion, she mever really loved me in the first place. I've had all the duff explanations: she made a mistake, she was love-blind, I've changed, etc. As far as I'm concerned, I gave her everything. We're joint tenants property-wise, and the house was improved to her specifications (my late Mother paid). We worked together until the recession struck, being sent all around the UK and repeatedly to Europe. We had a 'holiday' in the USA (to go and see her son). We also split the business income strictly 50/50.

Over the last three years especially, I've been criticised from pillar to post. For what? You name it, and praise has been a rarity. The bottom line seems to be that she wanted someone to look after her, her (mentally-ill) daughter and her son. This had to be someone who would never criticise she herself, her 'children' and her increasing use of alcohol. I was therefore fifth in line for a long, long time. I became sick of living a lie. When I lost it and did a controlled shout, her idea of remorse on my part was, "Buy me a car."

Here's something, a gift from her first visit...



This is the inside of my signet ring, with her name blanked out. The 'I.N.L.Y.G.' means 'I'll never let you go.' But it is now "your thing" as she so delightfully says. Heartbreaking? Damn right.

Having just undergone my first ever lone Christmas in nearly six decades, I've made no new resolutions. I'd already made a vow to myself. Fairly serious health issues haven't crushed me - nor will this.

Edited by snood on Saturday 3rd January 21:51

[stuttgartmetal]

I Never Liked Your Gunt

[stuttgartmetal]

turbobloke said:

stuttgartmetal said:

Mate, it's a life experience you just don't want.
Truth is, I'll never ever get over my wife leaving me
Ever
I think of her every f cking day
Sometimes I accept it's over, then sometimes, just sometimes I think well be back together
one day.
Five years on.
What a crock of sh t eh?

The nature of this thread and openness of posts have got to be helpful to others so with that in mind, forgive a personal question and feel free not to answer. If your ex did indeed ask you to take her back, would the lack of trust or reduced level of trust really allow for a 'normal' relationship from that point? For me, lack of trust is a deal breaker but I appreciate that we are all different.

What you miss is that bliss you once had
I don't miss what she was like near the end

I wanted migigation, easy split, she recruited a rottwellier legal advisor
A struck off bent solicitor.
He was a nightmare

It ended badly
I haven't seen or heard from my 14 yo daughter since that night in March 2010
That's what I miss.

I can't foresee any circumstance that would reconcile the ex wife and me
There are some things that can't be forgiven.
Strange, but when you love someone so much you'd give your life for theirs, it's such a shock when they dump your, or provoke a break up.
I regret my life everyday

I've moved on
Found someone else who I love.
There is always hope

You don't believe it at the time
It's mind blowing
It shreds you
I had to write down the conclusion of a thought process tha at started every morning
Why ?
You go round and round and round in circles

And spite?
You have never experienced spite like that from. a woman

The sh t I went through
And all the time I lived in our family home praying she would come home

You try packing up your 14yo daughters bedroom, and disposing of it all
You try clearing your family home
You try selling the house home you loved alone
You try going to the solicitors over and over again
You try family court Holborn 4 times
Just getting ready for courts enough
Takes ten years off your life, and what's worse is, you can't think of anything else.

Mental

Get out the other side, and move on
To do this you have to process everything
Only then do you get to acceptance

Me, 5 years on, apart from my daughter disowning me, which is very hard to deal with, life's good.

[Wolfer]

stuttgartmetal said:

What you miss is that bliss you once had
I don't miss what she was like near the end

I wanted migigation, easy split, she recruited a rottwellier legal advisor
A struck off bent solicitor.
He was a nightmare

It ended badly
I haven't seen or heard from my 14 yo daughter since that night in March 2010
That's what I miss.

I can't foresee any circumstance that would reconcile the ex wife and me
There are some things that can't be forgiven.
Strange, but when you love someone so much you'd give your life for theirs, it's such a shock when they dump your, or provoke a break up.
I regret my life everyday

I've moved on
Found someone else who I love.
There is always hope

You don't believe it at the time
It's mind blowing
It shreds you
I had to write down the conclusion of a thought process tha at started every morning
Why ?
You go round and round and round in circles

And spite?
You have never experienced spite like that from. a woman

The sh t I went through
And all the time I lived in our family home praying she would come home

You try packing up your 14yo daughters bedroom, and disposing of it all
You try clearing your family home
You try selling the house home you loved alone
You try going to the solicitors over and over again
You try family court Holborn 4 times
Just getting ready for courts enough
Takes ten years off your life, and what's worse is, you can't think of anything else.

Mental

Get out the other side, and move on
To do this you have to process everything
Only then do you get to acceptance

Me, 5 years on, apart from my daughter disowning me, which is very hard to deal with, life's good.

Struth, I see I have this to come!

Barr, luckily, any children, stupidly we treated our dogs like kids and I will miss them very much.

Glad you're starting to rebuild your life.

[Wolfer]

Semi moved back today, for convenience of work etc. Probably goes against the grain a bit. But at the moment, it's easier for me, and useful to have home comforts.

I know we won't magically get back together, and I am here purely for an easy life, to get the house, contents and bank sorted, and will only stay as long as I am able to handle it.

Is it stupid? Time will tell.

[boxst]

If you are back that is good BUT get her to leave.

[CountZero23]

Wolfer said:

Semi moved back today, for convenience of work etc. Probably goes against the grain a bit. But at the moment, it's easier for me, and useful to have home comforts.

I know we won't magically get back together, and I am here purely for an easy life, to get the house, contents and bank sorted, and will only stay as long as I am able to handle it.

Is it stupid? Time will tell.

Living with my ex would not equate to an easy life, my situation is different as it's my flat so she's moved out. That said everytime I see her it's like a take a few steps back just as I'm getting back on my feet.

I've got the keys off her and now just need to wait for her to sort her life out and find a proper place to live as she's still sofa surfing (or shacked up with some one else) so I can get rid of all her crap she's left here.

You need as much space and time apart as you can if you want to move on mate.

A girl I've started seeing is back from her holidays the week after so not all bad. That said would love to say getting underneath someone else is some kind of magic pill - but I'm still missing her.

Finding it hard to get excited about anything and just seem to be sitting around on PH and watching movies.

Back to work tomorrow which should hopefully provide some distraction. Really thought I'd be in a much better state than this after a few weeks off.

Edited by CountZero23 on Sunday 4th January 19:13

[Wolfer]

CountZero23 said:

Living with my ex would not equate to an easy life, my situation is different as it's my flat so she's moved out. That said everytime I see her it's like a take a few steps back just as I'm getting back on my feet.

I've got the keys off her and now just need to wait for her to sort her life out and find a proper place to live as she's still sofa surfing (or shacked up with some one else) so I can get rid of all her crap she's left here.

You need as much space and time apart as you can if you want to move on mate.

Got an old FWB coming over to stay next weekend and a girl I've started seeing is back from her holidays the week after so not all bad. That said would love to say getting underneath someone else is some kind of magic pill - but I'm still missing her.

Finding it hard to get excited about anything and just seem to be sitting around on PH and watching movies.

Back to work tomorrow which should hopefully provide some distraction. Really thought I'd be in a much better state than this after a few weeks off.

I should imagine, somewhere in my fooked up mind, I hope there is something there. But I know it's not, I know it doesn't make sense!

She seems in the last week to have had a massive clearout, all junk gone, and a few of my bits stacked up in my/spare room. So I guess its just a case that I get as much stuff as possible that I want shifted now.

We're doing a load of tip runs Saturday, that should then make some room, and help me realise what's going on. Ie, chucking stuff we would normally have kept = the end.

We'll share the cooking the nights we're both in, mad, I know.

[CountZero23]

Wolfer said:

I should imagine, somewhere in my fooked up mind, I hope there is something there. But I know it's not, I know it doesn't make sense!

She seems in the last week to have had a massive clearout, all junk gone, and a few of my bits stacked up in my/spare room. So I guess its just a case that I get as much stuff as possible that I want shifted now.

We're doing a load of tip runs Saturday, that should then make some room, and help me realise what's going on. Ie, chucking stuff we would normally have kept = the end.

We'll share the cooking the nights we're both in, mad, I know.

Yup, pretty mad. But at least your moving in the right direction getting all the stuff sorted and boxed up.

It's really easy to slip back into the denial stage when you're spending time with them and even having a laugh - this is really holding you back. It has done with me.

Have you made any progress getting the house on the market?

The sooner you can find yourself your own place and get some distance the sooner you can start putting your life back together.

You're 36 and still have plenty of time for a fresh start, the less time you waste in this limbo state the better. Things have already hit the rocks once before - even if you were to get back together I can't see you ever being able to truely relax and would always be thinking in the back of your mind that things would go tits up again.

You certainly deserve allot better than to be in a relationship like this.

I know all you want is her back, same boat as me fella but it's essential that we move on.

Doubt you'll even be thinking on these terms yet but just for the record being a 34/36 year old single guy really isn't so bad. Just need to convince myself of that now!

All the best mate and do keep us posted on your progress!

Edited by CountZero23 on Sunday 4th January 19:13

[happychap]

OP I've been following this thread from its start. I guess like you no one knows how this will play out or end, only time will tell. As for whats right or wrong who knows. Do what ever is right for you, have no expectations of how this chapter of your life will unfold, who knows what might happen. Good luck

[TwigtheWonderkid]

AndStilliRise said:

I remember going through a rough patch which seemed to last for a couple of years.

In my case I had done nothing wrong. Loving husband and a farther who would spend time with the kids. Including sports on the weekend and trips to museums, zoos and restaurants. I would take her out and would be met with the silent treatment throughout the evening and when we got back it was different rooms.

It got to the stage where she would cook food for herself and the kids and i was left to fend for myself. Not a biggie but I do remember going to bed several times hungry. Again not an issue, as it would help with training. However started wondering if it was a phase or that this was the way things would be for the future.

I wondered what would happen if she would be more supporting, if she supported my aspirations and desires. How much further in life we would we be? In a sense I made some notes and these were the things she wanted:

1) further and deeper commitment from me for her wants and desires
2) a third child
3) someone who would do everything for her at the drop of a hat

They were all related points. It was a standoff between me and her in the sense that she wanted the third child. I understood it as if we had the third child it would have given her a free license for the other points. I offered to comprise with adoption but again did not wash. She was convinced that a divorce would solve all her problems.

I offered her the divorce and then she suggested that i get all the papers sorted out and contact a solicitor? I then understood her to mean that I would have to divorce her. Then the game changed. Once i understood what she really wanted i bucked up and created a mental barrier between us. I made her realise how much I actually did do to support her and the family.

For me, it was the fact that my 2 kids meant more to me than she did so if she wanted a divorce she would have to do the hard work and get the paperwork sorted. Which she was not prepared to do.

In the end, with my work moving me away for 6 mths and she taking the kids on hols for 2 mths we had what she wanted a separation and she didn't like it. Then came flying back with a different attitude.

I know this doesn't help, but I wanted to show you people do have similar problems. If there is anything unclear with my post please do ask.

Edited by AndStilliRise on Saturday 3rd January 16:12

She sounds vile. You should've got out when you had the chance. Or go when the kids are grown up.

[lord trumpton]

What about suggesting you still sleep together but with no strings - just convenience sex?

[snood]

stuttgartmetal said:

I Never Liked Your Gunt

Poetic

I reckon this thread serves to illusrtate just how, unreliable, evil, self-serving, manipulative and downright nasty a woman can be. Perhaps it should be retitled, 'Are you the marrying kind?'

[Wolfer]

CountZero23 said:

Yup, pretty mad. But at least your moving in the right direction getting all the stuff sorted and boxed up.

It's really easy to slip back into the denial stage when you're spending time with them and even having a laugh - this is really holding you back. It has done with me.

Have you made any progress getting the house on the market?

The sooner you can find yourself your own place and get some distance the sooner you can start putting your life back together.

You're 36 and still have plenty of time for a fresh start, the less time you waste in this limbo state the better. Things have already hit the rocks once before - even if you were to get back together I can't see you ever being able to truely relax and would always be thinking in the back of your mind that things would go tits up again.

You certainly deserve allot better than to be in a relationship like this.

I know all you want is her back, same boat as me fella but it's essential that we move on.

Doubt you'll even be thinking on these terms yet but just for the record being a 34/36 year old single guy really isn't so bad. Just need to convince myself of that now!

All the best mate and do keep us posted on your progress!

Edited by CountZero23 on Sunday 4th January 19:13

Hi mate,

Pretty much a lot of what you say rings true.

After a little discussion earlier, a few things were made clear.

1, There is no-one else, she just doesn't love me (after 20 years!!)
2, She has no idea where to go, especially with the dogs.
3, Nothings going to change.
4, I'm now a toss3r for questioning things and going on too much.
5, I shouldn't speak about her female relatives that have done the same to blokes, albeit the blokes were iffy.
6, Possibility I'm too nice !!!!!
7, Only asked back as it is also my house, and I was living with family where one was very (possibly terminally) ill.

Beginning to think this was a mistake, except for the fact I can start sorting everything out from here.

As a few of you have said, fk me it's lonely!

How can a woman change, from loving, caring, helpful, considerate, loyal and the person you would die for, and possibly still would, into someone who has no time for you, wants to see things cleared up, and, as tonight has shown, for the first time......start shouting at you!

Wtf!!

[snood]

Wolfer said:

Hi mate,

Pretty much a lot of what you say rings true.

After a little discussion earlier, a few things were made clear.

1, There is no-one else, she just doesn't love me (after 20 years!!)
2, She has no idea where to go, especially with the dogs.
3, Nothings going to change.
4, I'm now a toss3r for questioning things and going on too much.
5, I shouldn't speak about her female relatives that have done the same to blokes, albeit the blokes were iffy.
6, Possibility I'm too nice !!!!!
7, Only asked back as it is also my house, and I was living with family where one was very (possibly terminally) ill.

Beginning to think this was a mistake, except for the fact I can start sorting everything out from here.

As a few of you have said, fk me it's lonely!

How can a woman change, from loving, caring, helpful, considerate, loyal and the person you would die for, and possibly still would, into someone who has no time for you, wants to see things cleared up, and, as tonight has shown, for the first time......start shouting at you!]

Wtf!!

Because they want something that they perceive you aren't giving them. No one else can give it to them and they probably have no notion of what it is anyway.

First time shouting? You're lucky compared to me...that's something I definitely don't miss.

[Pommygranite]

Wolfer said:

How can a woman change, from loving, caring, helpful, considerate, loyal and the person you would die for, and possibly still would, into someone who has no time for you, wants to see things cleared up, and, as tonight has shown, for the first time......start shouting at you!

Because she isn't looking at the past, she's looking at the future and you're in her way from getting there.

She's moved on and is wanting you away from her life asap. You should do the same.

Stop thinking about what was and start thinking about what will be.

Stop trying to understand and start treating her like a stranger.

[stuttgartmetal]

Treat her like an untrustworthy business partner.

[Pommygranite]

stuttgartmetal said:

Treat her like an untrustworthy business partner.

This. This 100%.

[Andy Zarse]

Pommygranite said:

stuttgartmetal said:

Treat her like an untrustworthy business partner.

This. This 100%.

Precisely. Your best policy is to say nothing to her, just as you would with the business partner. Totally ignore her beyond basic pleasantries and domestic necessities. Tell her absolutely nothing. Let her brain do the mental churning for a change. You are in a game of chess and the stakes are very high. Keep a poker face, give nothing away. You need to get some control back as she's playing you like a little puppy on a string. So do not discuss any tactics or outcomes. Do not let her know you want her back, and equally, do not let her know you want to get rid of her. Ignoring women drives them to distraction. It's your only chance of breaking her.

Just remember; no woman ever went back to a man who pleaded and cried and begged at their feet. They only ever go back to confident men who they respect.

[AndStilliRise]

Andy Zarse said:

Precisely. Your best policy is to say nothing to her, just as you would with the business partner. Totally ignore her beyond basic pleasantries and domestic necessities. Tell her absolutely nothing. Let her brain do the mental churning for a change. You are in a game of chess and the stakes are very high. Keep a poker face, give nothing away. You need to get some control back as she's playing you like a little puppy on a string. So do not discuss any tactics or outcomes. Do not let her know you want her back, and equally, do not let her know you want to get rid of her. Ignoring women drives them to distraction. It's your only chance of breaking her.

Just remember; no woman ever went back to a man who pleaded and cried and begged at their feet. They only ever go back to confident men who they respect.

^This