I just sneezed and...
Discussion
benjj said:
A few weeks later I'm holding new baby girl over 4 year old daughter's face. Baby vomits into 4 year old's mouth. 4 year old vomits while lying on her back all over her own face. I vomit all over 4 year old's hair. Wife not happy when she came into the room.
All 3 of us into the bath, had to use toe to force all the barf down the plug. t
t 2.
Just catching up on a few pages of this thread. Tears of laughter rolling down my face at this (quote above)! All 3 of us into the bath, had to use toe to force all the barf down the plug. t
t 2.
pstruck said:
benjj said:
A few weeks later I'm holding new baby girl over 4 year old daughter's face. Baby vomits into 4 year old's mouth. 4 year old vomits while lying on her back all over her own face. I vomit all over 4 year old's hair. Wife not happy when she came into the room.
All 3 of us into the bath, had to use toe to force all the barf down the plug. tt 2.
Just catching up on a few pages of this thread. Tears of laughter rolling down my face at this (quote above)! All 3 of us into the bath, had to use toe to force all the barf down the plug. t
t 2.
Today...
In the gents at work, I leant over the sink to reach the paper towels, as I did, one of the stall doors swung open (it was empty) and I attempted to kick it shut with my heel from behind
Instead of connecting with the cubicle door, I missed, and the arc of my kick set off the sensor for the automatic main door to the bog, which started to swing towards me. In my haste to avoid the looming door-sandwich, I slipped and fell forward, slamming my crotch into the corner of the sink unit, thus resulting in me bending over and headbutting the paper towel dispenser before landing on the deck, still clutching my yet-unused paper towel.
Thankfully the bog was empty.
In the gents at work, I leant over the sink to reach the paper towels, as I did, one of the stall doors swung open (it was empty) and I attempted to kick it shut with my heel from behind
Instead of connecting with the cubicle door, I missed, and the arc of my kick set off the sensor for the automatic main door to the bog, which started to swing towards me. In my haste to avoid the looming door-sandwich, I slipped and fell forward, slamming my crotch into the corner of the sink unit, thus resulting in me bending over and headbutting the paper towel dispenser before landing on the deck, still clutching my yet-unused paper towel.
Thankfully the bog was empty.
Some very funny stories here!
When I was a kid I had a wooden go-cart. Having a love of everything mechanical, a friend and I decided to try and motorize the go-cart using an old lawn mower engine, and some pulleys and belts from an old washing machine in my dads garage. We bolted a pulley on the outside of the air fan of the engine, and another pulley was attached to one of the back wheels of the go-cart using bolts through the pulley and spokes of the wheel. A belt connected the two to provide drive. The belt was slack but it could be tensioned to provide drive by pushing the engine forward by means of a wooden lever, as the engine was mounted to the go-cart base using long bolts through sliding slots. The whole thing was made up in an afternoon during the school summer holidays whilst dad was at work...
It actually worked! The harder you pressed on the lever, the more tension the belt had, and the faster you went.
Well it actually worked for about 100 yards in total. We managed to 'drive' the go-cart about 50 yards out of my dads garage and up a gentle gradient in our cul-de-sac, then turned it around for the return trip. On the way back I pressed on the wooden lever to hard, and it snapped, causing me to fall chest first on top of the engine where the spark plug was. There was no insulator on the spark plug lead so as I landed on top of it I got multiple electric shocks which threw me sideways onto the engine fan ripping my t-shirt to shreds and cutting my arm. I fell off the go-cart which then continued down the cul-de-sac and ended up getting stuck in one of the neighbours front hedges with the engine still running. We just ran off and hid! Until the neighbour found us and gave us a right bking.
Another learning incident a few years later.
My dad had a Vauxhall Victor with an automatic choke that was prone to flooding. One day we were going out somewhere but the car wouldn't start because it had flooded so he said he'd leave it for an hour or so to clear before trying again.
Being impatient, and keen to impress my dad with my mechanical skills, I thought I'd have a go at removing the spark plugs, and heating them up with a small gas torch. All was going well until for some reason I decided to point the torch flame down one of the spark plug holes, to 'dry out' the cylinder as well. Cue a loud 'phut' as the petrol in the cylinder ignited, making me jump back, catching the rear of my head on the sharp inside edge of the bonnet, and a nice cut to the rear of the head!
Childhood... happy days
When I was a kid I had a wooden go-cart. Having a love of everything mechanical, a friend and I decided to try and motorize the go-cart using an old lawn mower engine, and some pulleys and belts from an old washing machine in my dads garage. We bolted a pulley on the outside of the air fan of the engine, and another pulley was attached to one of the back wheels of the go-cart using bolts through the pulley and spokes of the wheel. A belt connected the two to provide drive. The belt was slack but it could be tensioned to provide drive by pushing the engine forward by means of a wooden lever, as the engine was mounted to the go-cart base using long bolts through sliding slots. The whole thing was made up in an afternoon during the school summer holidays whilst dad was at work...
It actually worked! The harder you pressed on the lever, the more tension the belt had, and the faster you went.
Well it actually worked for about 100 yards in total. We managed to 'drive' the go-cart about 50 yards out of my dads garage and up a gentle gradient in our cul-de-sac, then turned it around for the return trip. On the way back I pressed on the wooden lever to hard, and it snapped, causing me to fall chest first on top of the engine where the spark plug was. There was no insulator on the spark plug lead so as I landed on top of it I got multiple electric shocks which threw me sideways onto the engine fan ripping my t-shirt to shreds and cutting my arm. I fell off the go-cart which then continued down the cul-de-sac and ended up getting stuck in one of the neighbours front hedges with the engine still running. We just ran off and hid! Until the neighbour found us and gave us a right b
king. Another learning incident a few years later.
My dad had a Vauxhall Victor with an automatic choke that was prone to flooding. One day we were going out somewhere but the car wouldn't start because it had flooded so he said he'd leave it for an hour or so to clear before trying again.
Being impatient, and keen to impress my dad with my mechanical skills, I thought I'd have a go at removing the spark plugs, and heating them up with a small gas torch. All was going well until for some reason I decided to point the torch flame down one of the spark plug holes, to 'dry out' the cylinder as well. Cue a loud 'phut' as the petrol in the cylinder ignited, making me jump back, catching the rear of my head on the sharp inside edge of the bonnet, and a nice cut to the rear of the head!
Childhood... happy days
Edited by GSE on Tuesday 22 October 23:28
slopes said:
Mental note GSE, dont touch mechanical items ever again 
I'm pretty sure that the involuntary ECT treatment I administered to myself has been the cause of a few problems later on in life Another story from a few years back when the workplace I was working at had a restaurant which served up very good full English breakfasts:
We used to go down for breakfast in a group. We'd all get our breakfasts and sit down around a table to eat it. There was one particular colleague who had a reputation for being a bit clumsy. After he placed his tray on the table and sat down, he took his knife and fork in each hand, gripped them tightly with clenched fists, held the knife and fork up vertically, puffed up his chest, and declared that he was going to enjoy this breakfast. He then proceeded to attempt to thump the knife and fork down on the table, presumably as a signal that the feast was about to start. Unfortunately for him, he hadn't placed the tray fully on the table, the front edge of it was overlapping the table. As the knife and fork came down, they didn't make contact with the table as intended, but instead made contact with the overlapping edge of the tray. The result being that the tray flipped up and deposited the entire contents of his breakfast in his face and over his shirt. More carnage ensued when the rest of us fell about the place spitting out tea due to uncontrollable laughter
Recent one from me.
When i first started at the company i am now, i had to climb a step ladder to pass some boxes to a colleague. He being bright asked me to drop them to him, which i did. He fumbled them and got a 12kg box of chips to the lip, at which point i promptly took the piss.
Fast foward to last night and me lifting a similar box down, i fumbled it and got a 12kg box to the nose which bled quite well considering it's in a freezer. He saw. He laughed a lot.
What a donger.
slopes said:
Recent one from me.
When i first started at the company i am now, i had to climb a step ladder to pass some boxes to a colleague. He being bright asked me to drop them to him, which i did. He fumbled them and got a 12kg box of chips to the lip, at which point i promptly took the piss.
Fast foward to last night and me lifting a similar box down, i fumbled it and got a 12kg box to the nose which bled quite well considering it's in a freezer. He saw. He laughed a lot.
What a donger.
Just discovered this topic today... Some hilarious stories here! I'll share a couple of my greatest moments (not quite up to par with some of those here though)...
First up was this morning. I had a warning light telling me the left brake light wasn't working on the way to work this morning. I got to work, got the chair out of the boot and while pulling the boot lid down to close it I thought I'd have a look at how easy it was to get to the rear light cluster (I've only had the car a little while and haven't needed to change a bulb or anything yet). Still holding the boot lid I poke my head in the boot, pull the carpet back a bit, have a bit of a look and think it's going to be a doddle. Full of confidence that it was going to be a breeze, I close the boot, forgetting my head is still partly in there. Cue slightly hazy vision for a second, a large lump on my head and a headache for most of the morning...
A few years back, on my way round to the rear entrance of a nightclub a bit worse for wear and it's a bit icy. I have to go down a alleyway with a good slope on it to get round the back. Full of beer-fuelled bravado I yell, "watch this!", get a good run-up and skid my chair down the icy slope at some speed... Face first into the large concrete bollard at the end of the slope. The sudden stopping of my chair catapults me face first into the bollard and then sits me back down into the chair. I'm sat there wondering what's just happened while all the people I'm with are falling about laughing!
First up was this morning. I had a warning light telling me the left brake light wasn't working on the way to work this morning. I got to work, got the chair out of the boot and while pulling the boot lid down to close it I thought I'd have a look at how easy it was to get to the rear light cluster (I've only had the car a little while and haven't needed to change a bulb or anything yet). Still holding the boot lid I poke my head in the boot, pull the carpet back a bit, have a bit of a look and think it's going to be a doddle. Full of confidence that it was going to be a breeze, I close the boot, forgetting my head is still partly in there. Cue slightly hazy vision for a second, a large lump on my head and a headache for most of the morning...
A few years back, on my way round to the rear entrance of a nightclub a bit worse for wear and it's a bit icy. I have to go down a alleyway with a good slope on it to get round the back. Full of beer-fuelled bravado I yell, "watch this!", get a good run-up and skid my chair down the icy slope at some speed... Face first into the large concrete bollard at the end of the slope. The sudden stopping of my chair catapults me face first into the bollard and then sits me back down into the chair. I'm sat there wondering what's just happened while all the people I'm with are falling about laughing!
Great thread, I'll have a proper read later
Quick one from me. Some years ago now. Got in car in a hurry. Grabbed seat belt with right hand and pulled it down a bit too quickly. The stop cut in, I didn't have proper hold on the belt, ended up punching myself in the crotch. Was in rather less of a hurry after that.
Quick one from me. Some years ago now. Got in car in a hurry. Grabbed seat belt with right hand and pulled it down a bit too quickly. The stop cut in, I didn't have proper hold on the belt, ended up punching myself in the crotch. Was in rather less of a hurry after that.
BlindandLost said:
Just discovered this topic today... Some hilarious stories here! I'll share a couple of my greatest moments (not quite up to par with some of those here though)...
First up was this morning. I had a warning light telling me the left brake light wasn't working on the way to work this morning. I got to work, got the chair out of the boot and while pulling the boot lid down to close it I thought I'd have a look at how easy it was to get to the rear light cluster (I've only had the car a little while and haven't needed to change a bulb or anything yet). Still holding the boot lid I poke my head in the boot, pull the carpet back a bit, have a bit of a look and think it's going to be a doddle. Full of confidence that it was going to be a breeze, I close the boot, forgetting my head is still partly in there. Cue slightly hazy vision for a second, a large lump on my head and a headache for most of the morning...
A few years back, on my way round to the rear entrance of a nightclub a bit worse for wear and it's a bit icy. I have to go down a alleyway with a good slope on it to get round the back. Full of beer-fuelled bravado I yell, "watch this!", get a good run-up and skid my chair down the icy slope at some speed... Face first into the large concrete bollard at the end of the slope. The sudden stopping of my chair catapults me face first into the bollard and then sits me back down into the chair. I'm sat there wondering what's just happened while all the people I'm with are falling about laughing!
What is this 'chair' that you perpetually carry around with you?First up was this morning. I had a warning light telling me the left brake light wasn't working on the way to work this morning. I got to work, got the chair out of the boot and while pulling the boot lid down to close it I thought I'd have a look at how easy it was to get to the rear light cluster (I've only had the car a little while and haven't needed to change a bulb or anything yet). Still holding the boot lid I poke my head in the boot, pull the carpet back a bit, have a bit of a look and think it's going to be a doddle. Full of confidence that it was going to be a breeze, I close the boot, forgetting my head is still partly in there. Cue slightly hazy vision for a second, a large lump on my head and a headache for most of the morning...
A few years back, on my way round to the rear entrance of a nightclub a bit worse for wear and it's a bit icy. I have to go down a alleyway with a good slope on it to get round the back. Full of beer-fuelled bravado I yell, "watch this!", get a good run-up and skid my chair down the icy slope at some speed... Face first into the large concrete bollard at the end of the slope. The sudden stopping of my chair catapults me face first into the bollard and then sits me back down into the chair. I'm sat there wondering what's just happened while all the people I'm with are falling about laughing!
Deranged Granny said:
BlindandLost said:
Just discovered this topic today... Some hilarious stories here! I'll share a couple of my greatest moments (not quite up to par with some of those here though)...
First up was this morning. I had a warning light telling me the left brake light wasn't working on the way to work this morning. I got to work, got the chair out of the boot and while pulling the boot lid down to close it I thought I'd have a look at how easy it was to get to the rear light cluster (I've only had the car a little while and haven't needed to change a bulb or anything yet). Still holding the boot lid I poke my head in the boot, pull the carpet back a bit, have a bit of a look and think it's going to be a doddle. Full of confidence that it was going to be a breeze, I close the boot, forgetting my head is still partly in there. Cue slightly hazy vision for a second, a large lump on my head and a headache for most of the morning...
A few years back, on my way round to the rear entrance of a nightclub a bit worse for wear and it's a bit icy. I have to go down a alleyway with a good slope on it to get round the back. Full of beer-fuelled bravado I yell, "watch this!", get a good run-up and skid my chair down the icy slope at some speed... Face first into the large concrete bollard at the end of the slope. The sudden stopping of my chair catapults me face first into the bollard and then sits me back down into the chair. I'm sat there wondering what's just happened while all the people I'm with are falling about laughing!
What is this 'chair' that you perpetually carry around with you?First up was this morning. I had a warning light telling me the left brake light wasn't working on the way to work this morning. I got to work, got the chair out of the boot and while pulling the boot lid down to close it I thought I'd have a look at how easy it was to get to the rear light cluster (I've only had the car a little while and haven't needed to change a bulb or anything yet). Still holding the boot lid I poke my head in the boot, pull the carpet back a bit, have a bit of a look and think it's going to be a doddle. Full of confidence that it was going to be a breeze, I close the boot, forgetting my head is still partly in there. Cue slightly hazy vision for a second, a large lump on my head and a headache for most of the morning...
A few years back, on my way round to the rear entrance of a nightclub a bit worse for wear and it's a bit icy. I have to go down a alleyway with a good slope on it to get round the back. Full of beer-fuelled bravado I yell, "watch this!", get a good run-up and skid my chair down the icy slope at some speed... Face first into the large concrete bollard at the end of the slope. The sudden stopping of my chair catapults me face first into the bollard and then sits me back down into the chair. I'm sat there wondering what's just happened while all the people I'm with are falling about laughing!
Well this is embarrassing. Rather dim of me. For some reason, as soon as you said 'chair' I was thinking either of an office chair or slang for arse, so your use of the word had me flummoxed. It's been a long day!
Rather dim of me. For some reason, as soon as you said 'chair' I was thinking either of an office chair or slang for arse, so your use of the word had me flummoxed. It's been a long day!Blown2CV said:
i'm suspecting it's of the wheeled variety. Permission to blush granted!
Accepted!Edited by Deranged Granny on Wednesday 23 October 19:21
a few years ago after passing my driving test
spotted my mate at the bus stop, so pulled up casually on the other side of the road
shouted over to him to ask if he wanted a lift
when he started saying it was ok, i casually caught the window button, and managed to have the window force my jaw back, to towards the back of the car
i must have looked a complete tool!
always thought car windows had a safety cut out
but it managed to cut all the inside of my mouth when my cheek was forced onto my teeth
was my dads old granada scorpio, was a beast for someone like me, considering i had just passed my test
spotted my mate at the bus stop, so pulled up casually on the other side of the road
shouted over to him to ask if he wanted a lift
when he started saying it was ok, i casually caught the window button, and managed to have the window force my jaw back, to towards the back of the car
i must have looked a complete tool!
always thought car windows had a safety cut out
but it managed to cut all the inside of my mouth when my cheek was forced onto my teeth
was my dads old granada scorpio, was a beast for someone like me, considering i had just passed my test
mikebradford said:
a few years ago after passing my driving test
spotted my mate at the bus stop, so pulled up casually on the other side of the road
shouted over to him to ask if he wanted a lift
when he started saying it was ok, i casually caught the window button, and managed to have the window force my jaw back, to towards the back of the car
i must have looked a complete tool!
always thought car windows had a safety cut out
but it managed to cut all the inside of my mouth when my cheek was forced onto my teeth
was my dads old granada scorpio, was a beast for someone like me, considering i had just passed my test
that's fantastic, i did LOLspotted my mate at the bus stop, so pulled up casually on the other side of the road
shouted over to him to ask if he wanted a lift
when he started saying it was ok, i casually caught the window button, and managed to have the window force my jaw back, to towards the back of the car
i must have looked a complete tool!
always thought car windows had a safety cut out
but it managed to cut all the inside of my mouth when my cheek was forced onto my teeth
was my dads old granada scorpio, was a beast for someone like me, considering i had just passed my test
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