Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
garyhun said:
Whilst that is true, I've witnessed and experienced how women (and men) can turn from normal to bats
t mental once the relationship starts its decline into war. The crazy often has not bearing on the facts of why the relationship started failing - it's all about hurting the other side and getting the most from them.
A very sad state of affairs and I wish all those going through these difficult times the very best.
This is what scares the hell out of me. I am very happily married and we are expecting our first child. We've been together for 6 years and lived together for 2, so are at ease with each other, love each other and hold each other in high regard. We both have good careers and are financially responsible (well, she is, anyway).t mental once the relationship starts its decline into war. The crazy often has not bearing on the facts of why the relationship started failing - it's all about hurting the other side and getting the most from them.A very sad state of affairs and I wish all those going through these difficult times the very best.
But there are well-acknowledged personality traits that we have that long-term, could be bad. She has a tendency to anxiety and has been depressed, and can (on rare but regular occasions - a couple of times a year) be a very bad drunk.
And I, when pushed to anger (very rare, to be fair), am cruel, vindictive and unreasonable.
I f
king hope it never comes down to some of the stuff I'm seeing on this thread, as I think whilst we make a great couple, we could be terrible enemies.Add to that that she is American and could conceivably leave with any children we have, things could get messy.
I'm keeping the van and chainsaw, just in case.
Mobile Chicane said:
Sheepshanks said:
I've fallen out with colleagues who've done that sort of thing, but sweeping generalisation, I do think a lot of wives are close to taking the mick in terms of soaking up everything their husbands have but giving little back.
In the main they do an adequate job but you'd have to think that if you were performance reviewing them at work then it wouldn't go very well.
I find it odd how we're quite happy to continually strive at work, to 'up our game', 'continually innovate', 'outflank the competition' (and all the other wIn the main they do an adequate job but you'd have to think that if you were performance reviewing them at work then it wouldn't go very well.
k words I hate) but yet we fail to apply the same logic to our personal relationships.Efbe said:
In quite a few of these cases, the women seem like they have mental issues.
given that they probably don't think they do have and would not want to help themselves, is there ay way of referring someone on to get help?
In my case it was pointless for me to say anything but when my firstborn came back from uni and spent an evening with us he got to witness what was happening, all he could say was "mum you need to see the doc" to which her response to her son was "you want to control me". given that they probably don't think they do have and would not want to help themselves, is there ay way of referring someone on to get help?
Fast forward 8 months and after a text message arrived seemingly wanting to meet to discuss something else, she turned on the waterworks with a full-on apology, sorry I made a big mistake, didn't want to break up our family, still love you all, want to get back, will be 100% committed, etc...the only bit that rang true was the last statement but she should have been committed a year ago when the most horrendous stuff was being said and done. At the mild end of the spectrum was saying in front of our two sons who were still in secondary school that she didn't want them (or me, obviously!) around any more.
Yes, a big mistake.
Me and the four young men set up a new home as soon as we could. In the end they all went through uni and have great jobs and enjoy life. There's an end to it - one way or another.
singlecoil said:
BigLion said:
Did you guys not know what you were getting before marriage?
Not being an arse, just a genuine question...
My guess is that they knew what they were getting at the time, but what they got then changed into something else.Not being an arse, just a genuine question...
It's not that easy to look 25 years into the future on anything, let alone another human being.
The real kicker for me was that the change was apparently temporary, approx 1 year, as she (eventually) regained some sort of rationality and regretted everything, but there's no way I'd take that level of risk on again, knowing what I knew by then.
Efbe said:
In quite a few of these cases, the women seem like they have mental issues.
given that they probably don't think they do have and would not want to help themselves, is there ay way of referring someone on to get help?
Guy at work, his wife is causing him massive grief and from what he has said about her behaviour she has developed issues, according to one of her sisters the mum did exactly the same thing at a similar age, makes you wonder whether it is a hormonal thing. given that they probably don't think they do have and would not want to help themselves, is there ay way of referring someone on to get help?
BigLion said:
Did you guys not know what you were getting before marriage?
Not being an arse, just a genuine question...
People are often very good at predicting a future that matches their wishes and desires rather than reality.Not being an arse, just a genuine question...
I knew a woman once (it's not just men) that married a man who was violent toward her. A little while before the wedding he pushed her out of a moving car. She still married him.
When I asked her why (this is some years later, after it was all over - and yes it ended very nastily, she got out with the clothes she was stood in and her kids and pretty much went into hiding) she said 'I thought that marriage would calm him down'.
Classic example of someone seeing how they would like things to turn out, and then making decisions on that basis.
Harry Flashman said:
But there are well-acknowledged personality traits that we have that long-term, could be bad. She has a tendency to anxiety and has been depressed, and can (on rare but regular occasions - a couple of times a year) be a very bad drunk.
And I, when pushed to anger (very rare, to be fair), am cruel, vindictive and unreasonable.
I fking hope it never comes down to some of the stuff I'm seeing on this thread, as I think whilst we make a great couple, we could be terrible enemies.
We had the drink and some emotional stuff attached. Having never dealt with that kind of mental before I thought that sAnd I, when pushed to anger (very rare, to be fair), am cruel, vindictive and unreasonable.
I f
king hope it never comes down to some of the stuff I'm seeing on this thread, as I think whilst we make a great couple, we could be terrible enemies.t would pass as we were a great couple, people still think we are and loads of friends aren't aware of the break up yet. Slowly it became more regular with more issues getting added to the mental. By last Xmas it was at least weekly, now given that I'd then not talk to her for days on end how does the penny not drop. Even threats that this was getting beyond the point of no return it would get thrown back at me the next time like it was her having issues with me!I can see the comment about how you respond in myself, but when I feel that i am being treated unfairly I can be a right s
t. But without provocation I think I'm quite pleasant.I don't think my interests are that intrusive, footy a couple of early ish evenings, season ticket with 79 year old dad which takes up 1 Saturday in 3 approx, go racing occassionally. Now none of these are full day benders where I crawl in at 2am, I usually head straight home ready to go out for dinner or similar, I organise tickets for concerts, comedians, always suggest we do stuff together. But when the demons arrive I'm a selfish prick that plays football 5 times a week (happened twice) and doesn't care about her. On top of that she has moaned about every job she's ever had but refused the opportunity twice to work with me (fully understand, but b
hing daily about your current job is tiring), then gets pissed and causes massive rows and wonders why I don't talk to her for days on end.Had she once attempted to seek help for her drinking issues and the effect on her personality I'd have supported 100%, yet she just doesn't see it and thinks it's a 2 way problem of even blame.
All i can say is beware of the mental as the force is strong from the dark side.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Our wedding cost £300. I could have brought it in for £250 but it's a special day so I thought "fk it, let's go for it".
I have been married twice.k it, let's go for it".First time massive white wedding,church, handmade dress morning suits etc 100 people for the reception, 200 for the night do, cost my ex fil well over 10k 20 years ago. We were married in practice for about 6 years and legally for 8
Second wedding 8 years ago,registry office, my suit came from an outlet place, wifes outfit came from m&s close family only to a lunchtime do (maybe 20people) then a night do for a couple of hundred at a function room nearby, total cost of about 2k.
My current wife is lovely, she is sensible, organised, grounded, she has supported me through a load of s
t caused by my ex (been arrested 2 or 3 times for random accusations with no basis in fact, she only stopped doing it when I asked the police whilst I was being interviewed how I go about making a complaint of harassment against her and I am pretty sure they went and gave her a bking) been completely penniless after she fked me over with the CSA.I have been guilty of wishing my kids lives away though, I have been marking time until my kids got to 18 and I dont have to pay her anymore, only got to make it to july and I am finally completely free of her and I couldnt be happier.
Edited by GOG440 on Tuesday 29th November 22:48
Does she read PH?tonker, this is a bit of a scary suggestion, but I'd suggest leaving a recording device in the house when you are not there and she is looking after the boy, especially if she may have been drinking. Just do it once to make sure he is not being abused whilst you're out. Voice of experience, sadly.
I've mentioned it once in this thread already but her behaviour is classic borderline personality disorder, and I strongly recommend this book for dealing with nutters with it: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Bo...
I've mentioned it once in this thread already but her behaviour is classic borderline personality disorder, and I strongly recommend this book for dealing with nutters with it: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Bo...
I think sow would have been more appropriate than boar, but either way the magnitude of the snoring is nicely evoked.
While I understand that this is no fun at all for yourself or your son Tonker, I'm actually starting to feel very sorry for your wife too. The poor woman must be trapped in a cycle of self loathing and punishes herself by eating, a vicious circle, followed by punishing those around her. God forbid that she ever loses her job as that's probably the only thing left giving her any self-esteem at all. Whatever the timing/cost of the eventual marital separation, you do need to try to get her help - she remains the mother of your son.
Brief threadjack - I was brought up in the Cobham/Oxshott area but couldn't make it to the final drinks party at the Vic in Oxshott before its apparent gastropubisation. Is it completely screwed as a pub now?
While I understand that this is no fun at all for yourself or your son Tonker, I'm actually starting to feel very sorry for your wife too. The poor woman must be trapped in a cycle of self loathing and punishes herself by eating, a vicious circle, followed by punishing those around her. God forbid that she ever loses her job as that's probably the only thing left giving her any self-esteem at all. Whatever the timing/cost of the eventual marital separation, you do need to try to get her help - she remains the mother of your son.
Brief threadjack - I was brought up in the Cobham/Oxshott area but couldn't make it to the final drinks party at the Vic in Oxshott before its apparent gastropubisation. Is it completely screwed as a pub now?
"Between 0130 and 0330 I have to go into her room many times to tell her to stop snoring so loudly - it is like a giant boar with a head cold. Horrific."
Most of what you've written on here gets a large amount sympathy, and rightly so.
However, the above just comes across as cruel bullying to me.
Waking someone up, to tell them to stop snoring sounds mental, there isn't a single person on the planet who snores on purpose, and most people will already feel embarrassed about it.
I honestly can't think of a situation where this would be acceptable, or beneficial to anyone in the house.
Most of what you've written on here gets a large amount sympathy, and rightly so.
However, the above just comes across as cruel bullying to me.
Waking someone up, to tell them to stop snoring sounds mental, there isn't a single person on the planet who snores on purpose, and most people will already feel embarrassed about it.
I honestly can't think of a situation where this would be acceptable, or beneficial to anyone in the house.
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