Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
anonymous said:
[redacted]
She is obviously a cow, and it really isn't any of my business.But I would think in a Surrey McMansion like your you could find a solution if you wanted to.
One that doesn't include a pillow over her head, although you would probably be out in a few years and it will work out cheaper.
You have spilt up - her room should be 100% off limits.
Sleep in the furthest room with your lad, he will probably like it.
desolate said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
She is obviously a cow, and it really isn't any of my business.But I would think in a Surrey McMansion like your you could find a solution if you wanted to.
One that doesn't include a pillow over her head, although you would probably be out in a few years and it will work out cheaper.
You have spilt up - her room should be 100% off limits.
Sleep in the furthest room with your lad, he will probably like it.
mikefacel said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Brilliant! Your house sounds amazing, I struggle to believe that a human being can make enough sound to get through all the the thick walls and doors.
If you're going to share on here (which you are), and put yourself forward as the calm, rational, intelligent person in all this (which you do), then you might need to re-read some of your posts, and wonder wtf you're expecting to gain?
1) Do you honestly think that waking your wife up, to tell her to stop snoring, will ever work?
2) Do you think that your waking her up, multiple times through the night, was beneficial to anyone in the house?
3) If your son is presumably sleeping through this, do you just have dog like sensitive hearing, and need ear plugs?
A fascinating if inevitably very sad thread. My own experience of a marriage going wrong was my first. My observations from that situation are as follows;
As any marriage enters its death throes and divorce becomes likely or even certain, whatever you agree with your soon to be ex-wife in terms of how a separation will work from both a practical and financial standpoint, will go out the window as soon as she hires a solicitor and starts speaking to her friends. What was once viewed as fair is no longer fair, and is you being horrible, cruel, hiding assets etc etc. The only way to come out of that with any sanity intact and your kids as little damaged by the whole thing as is possible, is to stop caring or at least appear to have stopped caring (much harder in practice than in theory but still quite doable).
It became all about leverage for both of us at one point. You give me this and I'll let you do that etc. Once I said, you know what....fine. Have everything you want financially and in terms of access to our child etc, it all became almost instantly much better. She realised that she'd pushed me to the point where I didn't care anymore and that she had no leverage. Once she realised she'd lost that she gradually started to become more reasonable. It was almost a surreal exercise in human motivation and behaviour. Give someone what they want and appear (at least) to do so happily and willingly and suddenly they realise they didn't actually want that in the first place.
Maybe my experience was unusual, but I found that the golden rule of divorce is much like the golden rule of a teenage relationship, whoever cares the least wins. I divorced over 20 years ago and I'm sure that my ex probably has own story to tell which would differ to mine but in the end she gave me pretty much unlimited access where practical to our son who grew up (he's now in his 20's) to be a happy and successful and lovely young man and that's all I care about. f
k the money...you can always make some more or cut back on your lifestyle. I'm far happier now and married for a second time and loving it even after 8 years together. Second time around, you may not know what you want, but you certainly know what you don't want!
As any marriage enters its death throes and divorce becomes likely or even certain, whatever you agree with your soon to be ex-wife in terms of how a separation will work from both a practical and financial standpoint, will go out the window as soon as she hires a solicitor and starts speaking to her friends. What was once viewed as fair is no longer fair, and is you being horrible, cruel, hiding assets etc etc. The only way to come out of that with any sanity intact and your kids as little damaged by the whole thing as is possible, is to stop caring or at least appear to have stopped caring (much harder in practice than in theory but still quite doable).
It became all about leverage for both of us at one point. You give me this and I'll let you do that etc. Once I said, you know what....fine. Have everything you want financially and in terms of access to our child etc, it all became almost instantly much better. She realised that she'd pushed me to the point where I didn't care anymore and that she had no leverage. Once she realised she'd lost that she gradually started to become more reasonable. It was almost a surreal exercise in human motivation and behaviour. Give someone what they want and appear (at least) to do so happily and willingly and suddenly they realise they didn't actually want that in the first place.
Maybe my experience was unusual, but I found that the golden rule of divorce is much like the golden rule of a teenage relationship, whoever cares the least wins. I divorced over 20 years ago and I'm sure that my ex probably has own story to tell which would differ to mine but in the end she gave me pretty much unlimited access where practical to our son who grew up (he's now in his 20's) to be a happy and successful and lovely young man and that's all I care about. f
k the money...you can always make some more or cut back on your lifestyle. I'm far happier now and married for a second time and loving it even after 8 years together. Second time around, you may not know what you want, but you certainly know what you don't want!Got to agree with some of the comments ref snoring and boundaries etc but the fact is Tonker is living in a dysfunctional situation; there's no way two people in this situation can live effectively in the same house.
Tonker, you may be certain about the reasons for not leaving but right now it's going to be a continuous list of impossible situations that are just making things worse for your boy and for how you and your ex deal with each other once this is all over.
What is the time scale for getting this all resolved?
Tonker, you may be certain about the reasons for not leaving but right now it's going to be a continuous list of impossible situations that are just making things worse for your boy and for how you and your ex deal with each other once this is all over.
What is the time scale for getting this all resolved?
anonymous said:
[redacted]
No way you hear someone snoring through that. Four solid walls with the doors closed whilst wearing earplugs? NO WAY. No wonder she's a mess through the day!
Sounds like Tonker is engaged in a bit of psyche warfare - page 1 sleep deprivation.
Starting to feel sorry for the wife to be honest.
Edited by castroses on Thursday 1st December 08:22
easytiger123 said:
A fascinating if inevitably very sad thread. My own experience of a marriage going wrong was my first. My observations from that situation are as follows;
As any marriage enters its death throes and divorce becomes likely or even certain, whatever you agree with your soon to be ex-wife in terms of how a separation will work from both a practical and financial standpoint, will go out the window as soon as she hires a solicitor and starts speaking to her friends. What was once viewed as fair is no longer fair, and is you being horrible, cruel, hiding assets etc etc. The only way to come out of that with any sanity intact and your kids as little damaged by the whole thing as is possible, is to stop caring or at least appear to have stopped caring (much harder in practice than in theory but still quite doable).
It became all about leverage for both of us at one point. You give me this and I'll let you do that etc. Once I said, you know what....fine. Have everything you want financially and in terms of access to our child etc, it all became almost instantly much better. She realised that she'd pushed me to the point where I didn't care anymore and that she had no leverage. Once she realised she'd lost that she gradually started to become more reasonable. It was almost a surreal exercise in human motivation and behaviour. Give someone what they want and appear (at least) to do so happily and willingly and suddenly they realise they didn't actually want that in the first place.
Maybe my experience was unusual, but I found that the golden rule of divorce is much like the golden rule of a teenage relationship, whoever cares the least wins. I divorced over 20 years ago and I'm sure that my ex probably has own story to tell which would differ to mine but in the end she gave me pretty much unlimited access where practical to our son who grew up (he's now in his 20's) to be a happy and successful and lovely young man and that's all I care about. fk the money...you can always make some more or cut back on your lifestyle. I'm far happier now and married for a second time and loving it even after 8 years together. Second time around, you may not know what you want, but you certainly know what you don't want!
This is the mindset I hope to have. fAs any marriage enters its death throes and divorce becomes likely or even certain, whatever you agree with your soon to be ex-wife in terms of how a separation will work from both a practical and financial standpoint, will go out the window as soon as she hires a solicitor and starts speaking to her friends. What was once viewed as fair is no longer fair, and is you being horrible, cruel, hiding assets etc etc. The only way to come out of that with any sanity intact and your kids as little damaged by the whole thing as is possible, is to stop caring or at least appear to have stopped caring (much harder in practice than in theory but still quite doable).
It became all about leverage for both of us at one point. You give me this and I'll let you do that etc. Once I said, you know what....fine. Have everything you want financially and in terms of access to our child etc, it all became almost instantly much better. She realised that she'd pushed me to the point where I didn't care anymore and that she had no leverage. Once she realised she'd lost that she gradually started to become more reasonable. It was almost a surreal exercise in human motivation and behaviour. Give someone what they want and appear (at least) to do so happily and willingly and suddenly they realise they didn't actually want that in the first place.
Maybe my experience was unusual, but I found that the golden rule of divorce is much like the golden rule of a teenage relationship, whoever cares the least wins. I divorced over 20 years ago and I'm sure that my ex probably has own story to tell which would differ to mine but in the end she gave me pretty much unlimited access where practical to our son who grew up (he's now in his 20's) to be a happy and successful and lovely young man and that's all I care about. f
k the money...you can always make some more or cut back on your lifestyle. I'm far happier now and married for a second time and loving it even after 8 years together. Second time around, you may not know what you want, but you certainly know what you don't want!k the money, kids are everything.castroses said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
No way you hear someone snoring through that. Four solid walls with the doors closed whilst wearing earplugs? NO WAY. No wonder she's a mess through the day!
Sounds like Tonker is engaged in a bit of psyche warfare - page 1 sleep deprivation.
Starting to feel sorry for the wife to be honest.
Edited by castroses on Thursday 1st December 08:22
Sense there's a weakness? Unreasonable reaction to snoring? It's psych warefare! Let's pile in lads.
"One of Britain’s loudest snorers is a grandmother of four who snores every night at 111.6 decibels. That’s louder than a jackhammer, a subway train, a hand drill, power mower, snowmobile, motorcycle, and a power saw—and just eight decibels lower than the sound produced by a low-flying jet plane."
There you go fact fans...
There you go fact fans...
DuncanM said:
mikefacel said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Brilliant! Tonker (& others) I know that the PH forums are basically a Mumsnet for blokes - so use them as such. I am guessing that you chaps are feeling a bit lonely, isolated and at sea.
Anyone who wants a beer/chat/person not involved in the mess/rant is welcome to PM me. I have a pregnant wife, and a half-finished house - but I'm in a good place, and Lady F & I are welcoming and used to waifs and strays; PM if you need support.
HF.
Anyone who wants a beer/chat/person not involved in the mess/rant is welcome to PM me. I have a pregnant wife, and a half-finished house - but I'm in a good place, and Lady F & I are welcoming and used to waifs and strays; PM if you need support.
HF.
Whilst I agree that the snoring comments are slightly cruel, I suspect that this thread is a way of venting to strangers for Tonker and since every other aspect of his life appears to be him doing everything, it's quite fair that when his rest is being taken away from him as well, he feels the need to do something about it.
Harry Flashman said:
Tonker (& others) I know that the PH forums are basically a Mumsnet for blokes - so use them as such. I am guessing that you chaps are feeling a bit lonely, isolated and at sea.
Anyone who wants a beer/chat/person not involved in the mess/rant is welcome to PM me. I have a pregnant wife, and a half-finished house - but I'm in a good place, and Lady F & I are welcoming and used to waifs and strays; PM if you need support.
HF.
Tonker, I've read your posts here with interest. It cannot be a nice situation to be in to say the least. 2 of my friends have recently got divorced after a relatively short marriage and whilst it was painful it was for the best. You are young enough to start over and possibly have kids again so keep your pecker up, and hopefully the house and custody will sort itself in due course.Anyone who wants a beer/chat/person not involved in the mess/rant is welcome to PM me. I have a pregnant wife, and a half-finished house - but I'm in a good place, and Lady F & I are welcoming and used to waifs and strays; PM if you need support.
HF.
I
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