Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Vipers]

soad said:

Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer!

Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe

[PoleDriver]

Joke - These observations are getting longer and longer!

[soad]

silverfoxcc said:

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.



ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.



A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.



A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.



A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have

42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.



A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.



A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute


(If you've seen this one before and you've read every story in these posts may I suggest that you are not polishing your car(s) enough !)

[mybrainhurts]

Vipers said:

soad said:

Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer!

Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe
Observation - these jokes are getting longer and longer! :hehe

Q...how many formatting cockups can one person make at one time?

A...Lots

[XJSJohn]

Jonboy_t said:

heppers75 said:

Ok short it is.. Pearoast I am sure...

What is orange and sounds like a parrot...

Carrot.

Whats blue and fks grannies?

Hypothermia.



What else is blue and fks grannies?

Me, in my lucky blue coat.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

[LordGrover]

Ouch! Straight to hell... do not pass Go!

[valiant]

XJSJohn said:

Jonboy_t said:

heppers75 said:

Ok short it is.. Pearoast I am sure...

What is orange and sounds like a parrot...

Carrot.

Whats blue and fks grannies?

Hypothermia.



What else is blue and fks grannies?

Me, in my lucky blue coat.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

what do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath?


Throw in the washing.

[kowalski655]

I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit.






He choked on a sock

[Vipers]

mybrainhurts said:

Q...how many formatting cockups can one person make at one time?

A...Lots

I blame the ipad...... So there, that's my excuse and I'me sticking to it

[Jonboy_t]

valiant said:

XJSJohn said:

Jonboy_t said:

heppers75 said:

Ok short it is.. Pearoast I am sure...

What is orange and sounds like a parrot...

Carrot.

Whats blue and fks grannies?

Hypothermia.



What else is blue and fks grannies?

Me, in my lucky blue coat.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

what do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath?


Throw in the washing.

I used to have a laugh and a joke about doing that to my brother if he ever had one of his fits in the bath, until he died in the middle of a siezure,

He choked on one of my socks.

[boobles]

Thats two people on the same page who have lost relatives due to choking on a sock!!!

[kowalski655]

That must be where all the missing ones from the washing machine go

[Jonboy_t]

D'oh! Should've checked!!

[Markytop]

boobles said:

Thats two people on the same page who have lost relatives due to choking on a sock!!!

Well you have to wash socks as a pair...

[iwantagta]

What do you get if you cross an epileptic with a lettuce patch?
A seizure salad.

[McAndy]

How do you make an epileptic fit?

Oil and a mallet, same as everything else.

[bigkeeko]

I was told that when you're having phone sex you should lie about what you're wearing.

So I told my girlfriend I was in my nan's dress and slippers.

[bigkeeko]

I cracked two jokes in the pub last night about Malaysian Airways. The first got no response and the second crashed & burned.

(shamelessly stolen)

[mybrainhurts]

bigkeeko said:

I was told that when you're having phone sex you should lie about what you're wearing.

So I told my girlfriend I was in my nan's dress and slippers.

My nan asked if I wanted a pear.

No, I said, one will do...




God, I'm funny.

[phumy]

Gooooooooooodddd Mooooooorrnnnning Vietnaaaaaaaaammmmmmm!!!