If the worst were to happen...

[Sheets Tabuer]

I wanted to give you a reality check slap in the face, I meant no disrespect but was merely giving my perspective on a reality you seem blinded to.

[SC7]

Blue Meanie said:

I'm not sure why you posed the question, to be honest. You don't seem to take kindly to the responses you are getting.

Would you?

Like I said, I have to accept it - But i don't have to like it, do I?

I'd do anything required to remain a part of his life, but surely you can accept it's not very nice hearing that I might not even be allowed?

[Cas_P]

SC7 said:

Blue Meanie said:

I'm not sure why you posed the question, to be honest. You don't seem to take kindly to the responses you are getting.

Would you?

Like I said, I have to accept it - But i
don't have to like it, do I?

I'd do anything required to remain a part of his life, but surely you can accept it's
not very nice hearing that I might not even be allowed?

No one said it was nice, all the more reason to make an effort to get on with the father.

It would be even worse however for the real father to be told custody was going to someone else if the mother died.

[SC7]

Cas_P said:

It's gone from he does a good job, to he's awful and spends most of his time with the child in a pub.

I'm sorry but I call bullst to try and get people 'on side'. I do wish the father was on here to give his side. And tbh if you're this fking deluded then I don't blame him for possibly making things difficult for him, it's quite clear you would happily disregard a real fathers rights and make things hard for him yourself.

It is that clear cut, HE is the childs father NOT you, he is in his life on a weekly basis and clearly loves the child. You really need to get this into your head.

Edited by Cas_P on Sunday 17th October 01:09

I actually said "He seems to do a decent enough job". It's not what I'd choose for the boy but at least he's being looked after reasonably well and not being slapped about/neglected etc. like some unfortunate kids.

I'm not trying to get anyone onside, I'm just trying to give you an idea of what is in my head without spilling out all the details of mine and my family's lives on a public forum. The subject matter is personal enough without having to recount particular incidents/occurances that have lead me to my current train of thought.

Can you not see that I just want to be assured that I can continue to be a part of his life? And that, favouritisms/bias aside, I honestly think it would benefit him if I am a part of his life? Is it that wrong to think that I'm just as much a positive influence on him as his biological father?

Edited (grammar) by SC7 on Sunday 17th October 01:16

Edited by SC7 on Sunday 17th October 01:16

[Cas_P]

SC7 said:

Cas_P said:

It's gone from he does a good job, to he's awful and spends most of his time with the child in a pub.

I'm sorry but I call bullst to try and get people 'on side'. I do wish the father was on here to give his side. And tbh if
you're this fking deluded then I don't
blame him for possibly making things
difficult for him, it's quite clear you would
happily disregard a real fathers rights
and make things hard for him yourself.

It is that clear cut, HE is the childs father NOT you, he is in his life on a weekly basis and clearly loves the child. You
really need to get this into your head

[footnote]Edited by Cas_P on Sunday
17th October 01:09[/footnote]

I actually said "He seems to do a decent enough job". It's not what I'd choose for the boy but at least he's being looked after reasonably well and not being
slapped about/neglected etc. like some
unfortunate kids.

I'm not trying to get anyone onside, I'm just trying to give you an idea of what is in my head without spilling out all the details of mine and my family's lives on a public forum. The subject matter is personal enough without having to
recount particular incidents/
that have lead me to my current train of
thought.

Can you not see that I just want to be assured that I can continue to be a part
of his life? And that, favouritisms/bias
aside, I honestly think it would benefit
him if I am a part of his life? Is it that
wrong to think that I'm just as much a
positive influence on him as his
biological father?

Edited (grammar) by SC7 on Sunday 17th October 01:16

But your posts are based on taking custody, not having access. As I said numerous times now. You should have access rights, but by no means custody. As he has a real father who plays a part and cares.

Edited by SC7 on Sunday 17th October 01:16

[R400PM]

Not wanting to hijack the OP's thread, but I am in a similar situation myself.

My OH and I have talked about this a lot and I really cannot work out what would happen if 'the worst' did happen!?

In my case, the biological father has had almost nothing to do with our little one right from the off. As soon as he discovered that she was expecting, he laid down the law to her, "either the baby goes, or I do" (nice chap!? you decide)..

She chose the baby.

I had known my OH for many years and we got together whilst she was expecting, I knew the situation and was there right from the beginning with littlun, day one.

The biological father visited once when littlun was just a few days old, stayed for 10 mins then left not to be heard from again.

My OH has not asked for any contribution from the biological father, nor has he offered any.

I fully appreciate that I am not littluns father, I maybe a father figure to him but I am not his biological father.

I guess what I would like to know is if my OH and I were to marry, could I legally adopt littlun? The biological father is not on the birth certificate but I don't know if this makes any difference, as he is technically still the biological father?!

Right up until the point we marry, if anything were to happen, would I have any right/s to legally be responsible for his upbringing? How does this change when we do marry?

I find this all very confusing but essentially, all I want is what is right for littlun.. and yes, he is awesome and will be a true petrolhead!

[Rogue_420]

if he isnt on the birth certificate, then if the worst happened, i think he would have to prove paternity first through a DNA test. So maybe her parents/sister would be looked too to take on the child

[R400PM]

Rogue_420 said:

if he isnt on the birth certificate, then if the worst happened, i think he would have to prove paternity first through a DNA test. So maybe her parents/sister would be looked too to take on the child

Thanks Rogue,

I thought as much, would this change if we married though?! I do find all this quite a grey area.. I guess with so many factors to take into account there is often no real answer..

[Rogue_420]

im not the law and have stated that "i think".

If you married her then you wouldnt be on the birth certificate. You would become her next of kin but as she knows who the father of her child is I dont think it would change anything.

Maybe the CAB would be helpful,as maybe if it can be shown that she and you have searched for the father to ask permission for you to adopt then a court/judge may allow you to adopt the child as the father has not shown or is not interested.
But if you adopt then far as i know she would not be able to claim child support from him as you would in the eyes of the law be the parent, and this would stand as you being the parent even if you and the childs mother split up, and she could claim child support from you.

[Fun Bus]

SC7 said:

Is there a law against me calling him my son? Maybe I should explain that to him.

He's not your Son so how don't see why you're calling him such. It's not the law but the way of the world in how families work.

Nobody will EVER call my Son, 'Son' except his Mother and I.

[clarkmagpie]

Does he call you "Dad"?

[Amused2death]

SC7..... It came as a great shock to my ex that if she died she could not dictate who had her children... unless there were compelling reasons to the contrary the father has an automatic right to the custody of his children. Thats the end of it.

Irrespective of the role you have/do play in the child's life he is not your child (as you willingly admit).

If the child is old enough then their opinion may be taken into consideration, but that would only occur in the Family Courts, at which point the court would appoint someone independant of either party to act as a "guardian", ensuring the child's welfare is their only concern. Not the opinions of either party regarding the suitability of the other as parent.

As the father of a three year old girl who I see as much as possible, despite the ex's best to do otherwise, I would not stand aside and let anyone try to be "Daddy" instead of me.

If the father of your g/f child actively involves himself now then you would have a very difficult task in the courts.

He may be a total wkstain at the moment, but until he is put in the position of having sole custody of his child then you have no idea how he would deal with the situation.
It would be very foolish to make assumptions, not just in this issue, but in all things we do in life.

Play your part, play it to the best of your ability, and as the child grows up he will know who really is his "Daddy", wether biological or otherwise. But be prepared for heartbreak too...just in case.

[hidetheelephants]

R400PM said:

I guess what I would like to know is if my OH and I were to marry, could I legally adopt littlun? The biological father is not on the birth certificate but I don't know if this makes any difference, as he is technically still the biological father?!

On a practical note, if the father's details are not entered on the register of births they can be added at a later date.

[bazking69]

The biological father will always be the default if the other parent dies.

[dibbly dobbler]

OP - don't sweat it over something that's not going to happen. In 10 years or so the lad will be old enough to make up his own mind. All other things being equal the chances of your missus going toes up in the next 10 years are miniscule - probably a couple of hundred to one against (a broad generalisation obviously but you get the idea).

You've had a bit of a hard time on here but to my mind if you are doing the job of dad then you are the dad - nothing will happen to your lady and the lad will know what's what when he grows up. Good luck

[bozibo]

as I said before - you do not have to be the child's biological father to fight for him/her in court. The court will take into account who the child knows as 'dad' and what's in the child's best interest.

But the non biological parent would have to fight for the child.

As I said my friend's partner died and he fought for custody (and won) of the little girl who was not his biologically but who had known him for most of her life.

[Gusanita]

I have a friend who's mum is mentally unstable. From an early age she told her that her dad had done awful things and she made it impossible for her dad to see her. Even though she didn't like her dad, she still felt upset when at 16 he stopped sending her birthday cards.

When she was 21 she decided to get back in touch with him and has found that it has helped her a lot. It may sound silly but many of the things that she never understood about how she was were made clear when she got to know her dad.

The fact that he does see his son regularly means that he will have a reasonably good bond and attachment with him. I'm not saying who should 'get' the lad should the worst happen, but always take his feelings present and future into consideration before anything else. Maintain a good relationship with his dad even if you don't like him. The boy will see this and it will make his life easier and will make him appreciate you even more.

What happens in a relationship is between the couple and that should not come into discussion when taking the boy's feelings into consideration.

[ZesPak]

Hey, I've got an idea, the lady next door has a kid and a loudmouth fat husband. Maybe if I befriend the kid some more, play with him on the Xbox, I could get custody, as all his father does is yell at him and I'm obviously better for the kid than he is.

[Bill]

SC7 said:

Can you not see that I just want to be assured that I can continue to be a part of his life? And that, favouritisms/bias aside, I honestly think it would benefit him if I am a part of his life? Is it that wrong to think that I'm just as much a positive influence on him as his biological father?

Good for you, but bear in mind you're asking for this responsibility forever. If you want to settle down with another woman five years down the line how's she going to feel having a child about that's not technically yours?

[Rude-boy]

Cas P I have to say I have rarely read such total and utter toss in all my days on PH.

Having been in that same situation as the OP, if even more complicated it was agreed after I had been about for a number of years that, if the worst happened, I would be left with PR in the Will and the fathers (yes, intentional plural) would leave the kids with me, them having access as and when they wanted as they had when the mother was alive IYSWIM. Neither of them (one a very much when it suits me dad and the other an ‘I’d have her all hours I can’ dad) wanted to split the kids up and both seemed to think I was the childrens’ best bet if anything happened to the mother.

Talk to the Dad and you will most likely find they will be 100% behind you if they really do have their child’s best interest at heart. If not you will know and then can take advice from a proper family solicitor as to where you go from there.

The real bh is when after 6 years you split from the mother and, despite all the conversations and arrangements you have before about what would happen in that instance, she forbids the kids seeing you and you from making contact with them. Fast forward a few years and you run into them and they tell you all/some of the BS she has tried to poison their minds with about you and how they can’t wait until they are 18 so they can GTFO.

Bill said:

SC7 said:

Can you not see that I just want to be assured that I can continue to be a part of his life? And that, favouritisms/bias aside, I honestly think it would benefit him if I am a part of his life? Is it that wrong to think that I'm just as much a positive influence on him as his biological father?

Good for you, but bear in mind you're asking for this responsibility forever. If you want to settle down with another woman five years down the line how's she going to feel having a child about that's not technically yours?

Having potentially been in that situation you shouldn't be in the relationship with the mother if you weren't willing to accept that situation in the first place.