Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
This one's as old as the hills but haven't seen it for a while so...
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his willy and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the willy to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his willy.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his willy and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the willy to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his willy.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
silverfoxcc said:
A colony of Vampire bats were getting ready for the nightly feast. The 'pathfinder' went out and was back in 5 mins with blood dripping from his mouth.
The others all waited for the location of the nights feast
'You see that tree over there?'
Yes, Yes
Well i f
king didnt!
The others all waited for the location of the nights feast
'You see that tree over there?'
Yes, Yes
Well i f
king didnt!
normally by this stage someone has dissected this joke along the lines of:
- "this makes no sense"
- "how does a bat see the tree?"
- "bats have very poor sight"
- "bats mostly use sound to navigate"
the standard of pedantry on this thread is slipping - thank goodness.
silverfoxcc said:
A colony of Vampire bats were getting ready for the nightly feast. The 'pathfinder' went out and was back in 5 mins with blood dripping from his mouth.
The others all waited for the location of the nights feast
'You see that tree over there?'
Yes, Yes
Well i fking didnt!
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?The others all waited for the location of the nights feast
'You see that tree over there?'
Yes, Yes
Well i f
king didnt!...see you next month
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
Very goodMy love life is going downhill fast
First of all i get chatted up by a rather mature lady, Think really sexy hot 50 yr olds and you have the picture. After a while she says if i would be interested in some mother/daughter action. Looking at her and mentally undressing her, its off to her place. She shuts the door takes me upstairs to her bedroom and then calls out
Mum are you till awake i've brought a guy home.
now while i am telling this to my mate a rather inquisitive 20 yr old beauty enters the conversation and she offers some sympathy. and ends up by saying, well you could always come back to my place where i live with my twin!!
Saying thanks to him on high for this chance we get back to her place.
Now Susan had a great figure and did things you wouldn't believe.
Her brother on the other hand........
First of all i get chatted up by a rather mature lady, Think really sexy hot 50 yr olds and you have the picture. After a while she says if i would be interested in some mother/daughter action. Looking at her and mentally undressing her, its off to her place. She shuts the door takes me upstairs to her bedroom and then calls out
Mum are you till awake i've brought a guy home.
now while i am telling this to my mate a rather inquisitive 20 yr old beauty enters the conversation and she offers some sympathy. and ends up by saying, well you could always come back to my place where i live with my twin!!
Saying thanks to him on high for this chance we get back to her place.
Now Susan had a great figure and did things you wouldn't believe.
Her brother on the other hand........
'This one is set in the early 60's.
Lorry driver pulls into the greasy spoon on the A1 for his breakfast.
Three rockers park their bikes outside and walk in as well.
Seeing the lorry driver eating his breakfast, one walks over, and takes a sausage off his plate.
The driver says nothing, carrys on eating.
Another rocker walks over, picks up his toast, dunks it in his tea and walks off.
The driver says nothing, carrys on eating whats left of his breakfast.
The third rocker walks over, picks up his bacon and walks off.
The lorry driver gets up, goes up to the till. Pays his bill and leaves.
One rocker says to the proprieter "Did you see that, not much of a man was he"
Priopriter says "Not much of a driver either"
Rocker says "Why do you say that"
Propriter says "He just backed over three bikes"
Lorry driver pulls into the greasy spoon on the A1 for his breakfast.
Three rockers park their bikes outside and walk in as well.
Seeing the lorry driver eating his breakfast, one walks over, and takes a sausage off his plate.
The driver says nothing, carrys on eating.
Another rocker walks over, picks up his toast, dunks it in his tea and walks off.
The driver says nothing, carrys on eating whats left of his breakfast.
The third rocker walks over, picks up his bacon and walks off.
The lorry driver gets up, goes up to the till. Pays his bill and leaves.
One rocker says to the proprieter "Did you see that, not much of a man was he"
Priopriter says "Not much of a driver either"
Rocker says "Why do you say that"
Propriter says "He just backed over three bikes"
Just received this from a buddy in Florida so excuse the Americanisms.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my tally-whacker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy 8 turning a grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ''Damn! I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!''
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum-bh now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my tally-whacker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy 8 turning a grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ''Damn! I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!''
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sum-b
h now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Edited by Dilligaf10 on Monday 10th November 21:49
From now on I believe in The Prophet Muhammad.
I decided to go to the Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the Almighty and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today.
I told him I was not paralyzed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my car had been stolen.
I decided to go to the Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the Almighty and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today.
I told him I was not paralyzed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my car had been stolen.
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