Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A faith healer was in town and he was working the crowd at the town hall. He approached an old woman in the audience; "Sister, what is your name and what ails thee?" The woman replies, "I am Mrs Wilson and I can't use my legs properly and I walk with crutches." The healer says "Sister, you shall be healed by Jesus, go up on the platform and wait behind the screen." He then approaches a young boy; "Son, what is your name and what ails thee?". The boy replies "My name is Thimon and I thpeak with a lithp." The Healer says "Son, you will be healed by Jesus, go up behind the screen". The Healer then prays "In the name of JESUS I command all ailments to be driven out of these good people! Heal! Heal! Mrs Wilson, throw away your crutches! Simon, speak to me!"
And Simon says, "Mitheth Wilthon'th fallen on her arthe".
And Simon says, "Mitheth Wilthon'th fallen on her arthe".
True story:-
I'm currently working in a small hick town in Minnesota which is called Benson. Hunting season started here last weekend.
Apparently everyone in the town is related.
I digress..
My French colleagues and I were in the bar last night watching the locals (just imagine chimp's tea party!) when one of the locals said to me...
"You're not American are you?"
"No", I replied, "I'm from England and my five colleagues are from France".
"What are y'all doing here? Are you hunting?"
"Yes!" I replied, "We're trying to trap some small, simple creatures!"
"That's fun, how many have you caught?" Asked the hick.
"You're the fifth today!" I replied.
That's when the fight started!
I'm currently working in a small hick town in Minnesota which is called Benson. Hunting season started here last weekend.
Apparently everyone in the town is related.
I digress..
My French colleagues and I were in the bar last night watching the locals (just imagine chimp's tea party!) when one of the locals said to me...
"You're not American are you?"
"No", I replied, "I'm from England and my five colleagues are from France".
"What are y'all doing here? Are you hunting?"
"Yes!" I replied, "We're trying to trap some small, simple creatures!"
"That's fun, how many have you caught?" Asked the hick.
"You're the fifth today!" I replied.
That's when the fight started!
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well, I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And then things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominater"!!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well, I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And then things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominater"!!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
'bout what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.
tezzer said:
From now on I believe in The Prophet Muhammad.
I decided to go to the Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the Almighty and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today.
I told him I was not paralyzed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my car had been stolen.
I decided to go to the Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the Almighty and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today.
I told him I was not paralyzed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my car had been stolen.
It's all to do with perspective...
Two women having a coffee
'So how was your evening last night?'
'A disaster! He came home, wolfed down his dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, I got three minutes of passionate love then he rolled over and went to sleep! A Nightmare, what about you?'
'Oh mine was incredible. I came home, he was waiting for me. He took me out for a romantic dinner, we walked home along the canal under an amazing starry night. Once home he lit the candles and the foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late, it was wonderful.'
The Blokes
'So how was your evening last night?'
'Incredible, got home the food was ready, wolfed it down, had a shag, fell asleep, a wonderful night. What a woman. How was yours?'
'Bloody nightmare. I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the drill the fuse blew and the house was in darkness. Couldn't find the fuse box, when she arrived I took her out for dinner so I wouldn't get an earful.
Dinner was fine but so expensive I ran out of money so we had to walk home. It took ages but then I had to light all these f...ing candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so pissed off it took ages to get a hard on and another hour to finish. In the end I was so wound up it took me hours to fall asleep while she kept yapping on about everything and nothing....a total bloody disaster.'
Two women having a coffee
'So how was your evening last night?'
'A disaster! He came home, wolfed down his dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, I got three minutes of passionate love then he rolled over and went to sleep! A Nightmare, what about you?'
'Oh mine was incredible. I came home, he was waiting for me. He took me out for a romantic dinner, we walked home along the canal under an amazing starry night. Once home he lit the candles and the foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late, it was wonderful.'
The Blokes
'So how was your evening last night?'
'Incredible, got home the food was ready, wolfed it down, had a shag, fell asleep, a wonderful night. What a woman. How was yours?'
'Bloody nightmare. I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the drill the fuse blew and the house was in darkness. Couldn't find the fuse box, when she arrived I took her out for dinner so I wouldn't get an earful.
Dinner was fine but so expensive I ran out of money so we had to walk home. It took ages but then I had to light all these f...ing candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so pissed off it took ages to get a hard on and another hour to finish. In the end I was so wound up it took me hours to fall asleep while she kept yapping on about everything and nothing....a total bloody disaster.'
Evangelion said:
McAndy said:
vx220 said:
Undirection said:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night. I missed the rules at the start but Fight Club was awesome. I'd recommend Fight CLub to anyone.
Very good
Gaspode said:
Evangelion said:
McAndy said:
vx220 said:
Undirection said:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night. I missed the rules at the start but Fight Club was awesome. I'd recommend Fight CLub to anyone.
Very goodChim said:
Gaspode said:
Evangelion said:
McAndy said:
vx220 said:
Undirection said:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night. I missed the rules at the start but Fight Club was awesome. I'd recommend Fight CLub to anyone.
Very goodRobinBanks said:
Chim said:
Gaspode said:
Evangelion said:
McAndy said:
vx220 said:
Undirection said:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night. I missed the rules at the start but Fight Club was awesome. I'd recommend Fight CLub to anyone.
Very goodChim said:
RobinBanks said:
Chim said:
Gaspode said:
Evangelion said:
McAndy said:
vx220 said:
Undirection said:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night. I missed the rules at the start but Fight Club was awesome. I'd recommend Fight CLub to anyone.
Very good
Chim said:
Gaspode said:
Evangelion said:
McAndy said:
vx220 said:
Undirection said:
Was late to my first Fight Club last night. I missed the rules at the start but Fight Club was awesome. I'd recommend Fight CLub to anyone.
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