Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Silver Smudger]

Vipers said:

Paddy tells his pal " Mick, I have just won the Irish lottery"

Mick says "What you going to buy with that?"

Paddy says "I am off to get myself a brand spanking new JCB GT"

5 days off one year ago !

[EarlOfHazard]

Silver Smudger said:

Vipers said:

Paddy tells his pal " Mick, I have just won the Irish lottery"

Mick says "What you going to buy with that?"

Paddy says "I am off to get myself a brand spanking new JCB GT"

5 days off one year ago !

Seems you have a stalker Vipers

[Vipers]

Silver Smudger said:

Vipers said:

Paddy tells his pal " Mick, I have just won the Irish lottery"

Mick says "What you going to buy with that?"

Paddy says "I am off to get myself a brand spanking new JCB GT"

5 days off one year ago !

Spooky.............. Can't remember that, strange how the little grey cells work, there's me sitting at work today and the JCB joke springs to mind

[VladD]

K12beano said:

Gandahar said:

Vipers said:

Man walks into a bank and pulls out a sawn off shotgun from underneath his coat.

He says to the teller "This is a hold up, hand over the money"

The teller says "Your Irish arnt you?",

Man says "How did you know that",

Teller looking at the sawn off shot gun says "You've sawn the wrong end off".

Jasper Carrot did that joke on his show a few years back but had it a Sun reader.

Why would an Irishman try and hold up a Sun reader?

You've misunderstood. The Irishman was threatening the bank teller with a sawn off Sun reader.

[RobinBanks]

Lordbenny said:

I came in here looking for a decent joke but all I can find i stupid chocolate bar gags....Bunch of wonkas!

Edited by Lordbenny on Thursday 4th December 19:33

I can't see any jokes be'Twix all the chocolate puns!

[VladD]

My wife is in to all things of poor taste (yes, she married me), so I showed her this thread, much to her kitsch delight.

[LordHaveMurci]

If it carries on like this people will start to Drifter away

[K12beano]

VladD said:

K12beano said:

Gandahar said:

Vipers said:

Man walks into a bank and pulls out a sawn off shotgun from underneath his coat.

He says to the teller "This is a hold up, hand over the money"

The teller says "Your Irish arnt you?",

Man says "How did you know that",

Teller looking at the sawn off shot gun says "You've sawn the wrong end off".

Jasper Carrot did that joke on his show a few years back but had it a Sun reader.

Why would an Irishman try and hold up a Sun reader?

You've misunderstood. The Irishman was threatening the bank teller with a sawn off Sun reader.

...and so the teller said: "that's a bloody mess. I can see why they call them 'Red Tops'"?

I see the joke now.

[smn159]

My boss was in a right bad mood this morning, shouting and asking me if I knew the difference between a terrorist training camp and a school.

I told him that if I'd wanted to know that I'd have been a teacher rather than the bloke who flies the drones.

[VladD]

smn159 said:

My boss was in a right bad mood this morning, shouting and asking me if I knew the difference between a terrorist training camp and a school.

I told him that if I'd wanted to know that I'd have been a teacher rather than the bloke who flies the drones.

Little bit of politics.

[KareemK]

VladD said:

My wife is in to all things of poor taste (yes, she married me), so I showed her this thread, much to her kitsch delight.

Your wife is into all things "bad taste"

I'd hit her so hard she'd crumple to the floor. In fact, when she got up I'd then do it again!

Yep, I'd Double Decker.

[PoleDriver]

I wish I had a Dime for every time I heard that one!

And now for something completely different:-

[Corpulent Tosser]

I found you

[Tubbytommy]

I feel sick, I googled blue waffle. That picture came up second though. I kept scrolling mind bleach needed.

[Halmyre]

Tubbytommy said:

I feel sick, I googled blue waffle. That picture came up second though. I kept scrolling mind bleach needed.

I started to type blue waffles into the search box and the autocomplete options that popped up told me all I need to know!

[PoleDriver]

My god, it's true!
They really have removed the word 'gullible' from the dictionary!

Because of this I've decided to change my login name to 'Special Fried Rice'

Now nobody will find my login image!

[Vipers]

A man and a woman Are lying in bed naked.

She is resting her head on his torso looking down to the wedding tackle.

She says "I love you".

He says "Lower".

Dropping a couple of octaves to her best bass voice says "I love you".

[Monkeylegend]

Vipers said:

A man and a woman Are lying in bed naked.

She is resting her head on his torso looking down to the wedding tackle.

She says "I love you".

He says "Lower".

Dropping a couple of octaves to her best bass voice says "I love you".

My Grandma told me this one, she was born in 1895

[Vipers]

Monkeylegend said:

Vipers said:

A man and a woman Are lying in bed naked.

She is resting her head on his torso looking down to the wedding tackle.

She says "I love you".

He says "Lower".

Dropping a couple of octaves to her best bass voice says "I love you".

My Grandma told me this one, she was born in 1895

OMG WOW , she is doing well for 119

[RJO]

Vipers said:

Monkeylegend said:

Vipers said:

A man and a woman Are lying in bed naked.

She is resting her head on his torso looking down to the wedding tackle.

She says "I love you".

He says "Lower".

Dropping a couple of octaves to her best bass voice says "I love you".

My Grandma told me this one, she was born in 1895

OMG WOW , she is doing well for 119

Does she have false teeth?