Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[Zoobeef]

Every story that you hear is one where the other party has been caught out.

Just how many never get caught, wether it be a one night finger or an affair. I work away and know how bad some of the guys are. Also how many of the wives got caught.

Last 6 month trip with work, out of about 10 guys, 3 guys found their wives had affairs while they were away. You can only assume there's another 3 which never got caught.

[andy-xr]

Studio117 said:

No.

I mean in retrospect how did you not notice? The signs of cheating/relationship breakdown/no sex/etc are quite obvious.

Gotcha, I think in the main you trust the person you're with that they wont rip your still bleeding heart out and stamp on it, but depending on your level of apprehension, you may be aware that they could, and that would determine how bothered about it you are.

I'll give you a for instance. In my case she was out a lot anyway with her job. The first sign was missed, the second caught me a bit off guard, the third was when I knew something was up. Not returning calls or texts was the last, or first real sign that something was wrong. It came out about a week later, while she was on holiday. When I thought back, there were a few red flags but I wasnt actively looking for them. You dont though, do you? If you spend all your time analysing and controlling what's going on you're not living your own life and they're not living theirs, it just turns into a game of cat and mouse

[Muzzer79]

Impasse said:

andy-xr said:

You know, it's a shame you feel such bitterness, it's stopping you opening up to anyone, and making you cold.

It's said that it usually takes a month for every year of being together to get over it, sometimes more, sometimes less. But the important thing is letting go and moving on, because in the main, the party that 'wronged you' moved on a lot lot quicker and your anger and resentment doesnt affect them, only you.

Bitterness. I can't stand that word - mainly because it's entirely inaccurate and is often used as some sort of dismissive put down or as if there should be some element of seething resentment.
I don't feel bitter. I feel saddened. I feel loss. I feel numbness. But I don't feel bitter.

When did your relationship break down?
Seems quite recent?

It does seem sad that it's affected you to the point where you won't 'risk' being happy again, in case it goes wrong.

Life is short. I would not want to look back and think I wasted (x) months/years potentially not being happy in a relationship because someone else chose not to be with me.

[Rude-boy]

Studio117 said:

No.

I mean in retrospect how did you not notice? The signs of cheating/relationship breakdown/no sex/etc are quite obvious.

Don't know how old you are but when you have been in a relationship for 5+ years there are times when circumstances and so forth mean that all you can manage for a few weeks is kiss and a cuddle as you collapse in bed. Other times you might be at it like rabbits when any 5 minute opportunity arrives. Likewise if your partner suffers from cystitis or thrush by looking at a yogurt or something there can be periods where the red raw rod is best avoided. If you don't know that they are lying and that they are hiding something else you, of course, accept it.

When time has gone on, and there is no OBVIOUS, sign of AN Other and all the right noises are being made you start to question it but are you going to be the bloke who gets all pushy for sex? None of me in that. No, you leave it quietly and turn the Spidy senses to level 10. Then you look back and think "3 months since we last had sex and she's still trying to make out that you are pestering when you occasionally ask if she fancies a bit, this isn't working for me..." Then you have The Conversation.

As said I have no idea if my ex was being shagged bandy before I finished the relationship with her, nor even when she and the other bloke 'officially' got together.

In the big scheme of things who cares? It is over between her and I and we are both not only happier people but also with the same people we met 10 years ago when we split up - to me that speaks volumes.

[Rude-boy]

Muzzer79 said:

When did your relationship break down?
Seems quite recent?

It does seem sad that it's affected you to the point where you won't 'risk' being happy again, in case it goes wrong.

Life is short. I would not want to look back and think I wasted (x) months/years potentially not being happy in a relationship because someone else chose not to be with me.

I would rather a life of highs a lows than one of gentle mediocrity.

You can be so very badly hurt by people, but others can bring you great joy and elation - sometimes the same person brings both. Regardless it is folly to try to insulate yourself from pain as it will only find another way to reach you, perhaps through crushing loneliness.

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

[andy-xr]

Even Croyde seems to be getting over it, so maybe it's Impasse's turn next

[Impasse]

Muzzer79 said:

When did your relationship break down?
Seems quite recent?

It does seem sad that it's affected you to the point where you won't 'risk' being happy again, in case it goes wrong.

Life is short. I would not want to look back and think I wasted (x) months/years potentially not being happy in a relationship because someone else chose not to be with me.

Depends what you call recent. May 2011. So I'd suggest my opinions on such things are fairly well entrenched onto my psyche with little chance of reprise.
Relationships? Meh.

[boyse7en]

DannyScene said:

If you found out she was seeing someone else would you still think 'oh well that is part of who she is and if she feels I'm lacking in that department at least she's getting hers from someone and it makes our relationship oh so positive'

I don't know how I would feel, that's why I wouldn't want to find out. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

[Muzzer79]

Impasse said:

Muzzer79 said:

When did your relationship break down?
Seems quite recent?

It does seem sad that it's affected you to the point where you won't 'risk' being happy again, in case it goes wrong.

Life is short. I would not want to look back and think I wasted (x) months/years potentially not being happy in a relationship because someone else chose not to be with me.

Depends what you call recent. May 2011. So I'd suggest my opinions on such things are fairly well entrenched onto my psyche with little chance of reprise.
Relationships? Meh.

You've spent 4 years in an admittedly "lonely" existence just because some girl cheated on you?

It's your life friend, but does this not strike you as cutting off your nose to spite your face?

It sounds like you've convinced yourself that a life of solitude is your lot for the rest of your days.

Dangerous attitude. But, it's your life I guess.

[boyse7en]

Muzzer79 said:

This just reads like you would accept your Mrs cheating on you in case she was unhappy?

But the reverse would be that if she is (and I have no inclination that she is) cheating and I found out and she stopped, she would be then be unhappy/unfulfilled/whatever the reason for cheating was.

This could only have a negative impact on our relationship, and I would therefore be less happy than I am now.

[mudflaps]

There's an adage that goes 'once a player ALWAYS a player'.

I've found that to be true even for people who've been married for 30 years.

[ShyTallKnight]

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

Short answer in my case is 'no' never had a scoobies. Love is blind as they say. Only with the benefit of hindsight did her pattern of behaviour perfectly fit the infidelity model. It was only when she got sloppy and made a mistake that I picked up and had a bit of a wtf moment did the web of deceit start to unravel.

To those who think you need irrefutable proof my advice is no you don't. The fact that your partner has said those words is all the proof you need that the relationship is over and she has effectively detached herself emotionally from you. Don't go looking for 'proof' it as I did it will undoubtedly fk you up much more in the head than you can imagine. As ABD intimated (and I hope you're doing ok fella) I also have real trust issues now and think this is much more to do with what I found out rather than the actual breakdown of the relationship and the subsequent grieving process that follows.

[ShyTallKnight]

Double post soz

Edited by ShyTallKnight on Friday 10th July 17:28

[ShyTallKnight]

Double post soz

Edited by ShyTallKnight on Friday 10th July 17:29

[9mm]

andy-xr said:

9mm said:

Exactly so. If you're happy to have your reputation sullied then just accept it's over. Over time you'll learn how "you forced her into it" and you will be transformed into the bad guy. Allowing her to get away with this will distort discussions she has with her advisors. She'll start believing her own script and that will embolden her to make unreasonable demands.

Making sure you know and other people know what she has been up to will introduce more balance into the equation. It will never be totally her fault in the eyes of her friends and family (although there can be exceptions) but at least you won't be painted in the worst possible light.

She won't want to admit her infidelity to her family so matey boy will be described as a good friend. He'll 'become' her bf when the dust has settled. I'd be interested in finding out if he's involved with anyone and if his partner is relaxed about his 'friendship'.

I experienced a situation where this game was played and had to force a situation where I could speak to the in laws and put them straight. I went from being the bad guy who had forced their perfect daughter into a corner to someone they understood had been wronged. There was no more hostility and all unreasonable demands were quickly dropped. But you need cold, hard evidence.

But really, none of it matters. The guys Mrs dumped him, she may have already had someone on the side, but waited til the death and grieving was about done and made her move.

Catching her out, waving paper and phone bills and 'evidence' doesnt change anything, it's not going to make a difference and it's still over and families and friends are going to think whatever they're going to think. I say that from first hand experience, a girl I was seeing and madly in love with decided half way through a holiday with her mates that she didnt want to be with me anymore, and it later came out she'd already been with someone else. Her email was linked to my PC, and when he sent her a photo of the two of them, I saw it. She never found out that I'd seen it, because...what good would it have done? I could have shouted, screamed, put it on Facebook, emailed it to her Gran...would any of it have made a difference?

Right now the badger is probably beating himself up on what possible conversation broke the camels back, what action could be undone, and the truth is, it went how it went. If they get back together, and some people do, then that's how it goes. It's not quite that simplistic, but taking a wide view without all the micro conversations, that's the bare bones of it.

The g/f has gone to her Mums, which is a good sign. At least they dont still have to share a house because neither of them can move anywhere.

I've been the other guy, the one who someone leaves someone for. It's not a nice position, there's a bit of looking over shoulders to be done for a few months after the break, but the way it went, the girl wasnt happy with him on a number of levels, and those problems didnt seem to come up in our relationship, which has flourished. She made a mistake and tried hard to make it work, when it was looking down the barrel of spending the rest of her life with that guy, decided that she didnt/couldnt do that, so went somewhere else instead. It wasnt a nice thing to do to him, but it wasnt fair to her to have to stick by someone out of pity and have no enjoyment or do the things she wanted to do. I would have done the same thing

You might say things such as 'leopards never change their spots' and 'once a cheater always a cheater' or 'they're all snakes with tits' but really, the whole relationship thing is all a bit of a gamble. You're hoping that things work out, and so's the other person. You put time and effort in to making things work. But if you try to command and control the way someone should act, think, do, behave... the more someone else backs away from it.

I believe deep down everyone wants to be happy in their life, and if that life isnt right for them, why should they stay in it for the sake of someone else. What do they get out of it? The more you ruminate over what someone else has done (that you have little to no control over) the less you spend sorting life out and getting to where you want and need to be.

You see it on here a lot. People havent moved on because they still feel that they've been wronged so badly that they cant move past it. That somehow, previous actions are something that they shouldnt have had to deal with, and they've been massively fked over. It smacks a lot of not being able to accept that people do things that they dont find acceptable behaviour, they change their minds, and the realisation hasnt hit them that they cant, couldnt, shouldnt and will never change it for them

Edited by andy-xr on Friday 10th July 08:48

I thought I had explained why it matters but I'll try again.

If you don't find out the facts YOU will be blamed. If you're happy with that, fill your boots. On a more tangible level, it will be used against you in negotiations (those based on morals not the law).

If you're not, and if you feel the terms of the split should reflect who has been the utter f****** xxxx in the breakdown, you'll need evidence to contradict the story that is being spun.

Nor do you want to be thinking well into the future about what really happened, etc. Lance the boil early and you can move on without questions but the main thing is that you can make an objective assessment of what would be reasonable in the circumstances. The other party may have been spun a yarn in which case they can't really be blamed for grasping an opportunity. However, those that have breached trust (i.e a best friend) or have been warned off, deserve everything they get.

If you were the other man, sleep well and watch your back. Some people have moved on in terms of relationships but retain a desire for justice. They also have the money, means, time and patience to exact it. They won't threaten you at the time - quite the opposite. Only idiots threaten people so only worry if you've been assured there's nothing to worry about.

[A bit down]

ShyTallKnight said:

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

Short answer in my case is 'no' never had a scoobies. Love is blind as they say. Only with the benefit of hindsight did her pattern of behaviour perfectly fit the infidelity model. It was only when she got sloppy and made a mistake that I picked up and had a bit of a wtf moment did the web of deceit start to unravel.

To those who think you need irrefutable proof my advice is no you don't. The fact that your partner has said those words is all the proof you need that the relationship is over and she has effectively detached herself emotionally from you. Don't go looking for 'proof' it as I did it will undoubtedly fk you up much more in the head than you can imagine. As ABD intimated (and I hope you're doing ok fella) I also have real trust issues now and think this is much more to do with what I found out rather than the actual breakdown of the relationship and the subsequent grieving process that follows.

I'm good thanks STK, hope you are too.

To answer Studio117's question I didn't know for a long time but I started to have my suspicions after one of two things happened that made me uncomfortable. I think I was very naive and a bit too trusting but just as every other person on one of these threads has posted, you just don't think she would behave like that - right up until she does. I must admit every time I see a thread on here or have a real life conversation when the lines "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I'm not in love with you any more" come up, I know exactly how it's going to turn out.

I actually posted a thread on here at the time asking whether anyone had used a private detective as I wanted my suspicions confirmed and received a ton of advice - good, bad and ugly. It turned into quite a long thread with a lot of opinions and many other people who were in the same boat and seeing the same behaviours. If you're horribly bored or strangely interested you can find it here http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...

I got tons of supportive messages and a few people (complete strangers initially) really helped me out in what was obviously a very difficult time.

It's very hard not to be cynical now, and that goes very much against my natural inclinations. I had hoped this would improve with time but it's been three years and things haven't changed. I'm not sure they will.

Edited to add: 9MMs comments also make a lot of sense. My ex was painting a picture of us having grown apart and that she had tried to keep things together to anyone who would listen, the first part of which was partly true, the second not at all. I didn't see it as my business to put things straight at the time and in the end her sister called her out on it and all her family and friends now know how she behaved.

One thing I'm absolutely sure of is that I'm much better off without her in my life. In fact, in every aspect other than relationships my life is now fantastic. I've had a couple of medium term relationships and been on plenty of dates but both my tolerance for histrionics (which always appear at some point) and my trust in people's motives are completely shot. The logical side of me knows that this is counter-productive and that if I don't tolerate other people's idiosyncrasies why on earth would they tolerate mine but the emotional side of me won't have it. Steve Peters would say the chimp has control at the moment.

Anyway, I'm rambling, which if you look at the linked thread I have a habit of doing :-).

Good luck to all who are going through this.

Edited by A bit down on Friday 10th July 20:44

[TwigtheWonderkid]

mudflaps said:

There's an adage that goes 'once a player ALWAYS a player'.

I've found that to be true even for people who've been married for 30 years.

Warren Beatty?

[9mm]

Studio117 said:

Question:

Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?

If the relationship has been good, you will see a marked change in behaviour over a very short space of time. Here's a checklist for you, in no particular order:

A new (opposite sex) name will be mentioned in conversations and spoken of as a good mate or similar
There'll be an out of character event which will involve the new mate such as stopping out till 3am
This will be dismissed as totally innocent
Any concerns you voice will be laughed off and you will probably receive quite overt reassurance
She will regularly go missing in a way she hasn't done before, such as getting home a couple of hours later
If questioned, these gaps in the diary will be explained as being with a friend, but it won't be one you have much contact with
She'll become a bit shy about her body
You'll notice she's paying more attention with her appearance
Things you might have said in the past that she would have agreed with (say a joke about one of her parents) will now provoke a defensive/aggressive response
Tester questions, such as does X's wife know about your late out night will be met with lies - "of course, and it's no different to you having a drink with (insert a mutual friend's wife's name here)
Sex will decrease or be sporadically ultra passionate
Your attempts at being affectionate may result in you being told you're 'clingy' or similar
She'll be out with her friends more often - you will never be invited
The phone will be guarded
The home phone will always have 1471 as last number dialled
Early starts become much more common
Eventually there'll be a slip up - this will produce a panic and a more trusted friend may be enlisted to back the cover story
Your growing certainty that something is up and resultant attempts to have a talk about it will be dismissed as silly/paranoid
Any spare time will be filled with activities - none involving you
Trying to get involved will be met with hostility
If you go out, conversation will be difficult and out of character
Physical affection -such as a hug in a photo - will be strained
Little shows of affection that you're used to will cease

Most people will go through a fair number of the above and then realise they have to go all private detective to get somewhere. Only absolute proof will force an admission at which point you'll discover a significant number of your friends have been aware of what's been going on and have covered for her.

So treat any behaviour changes with suspicion and don't wait for months before acting.

And of course, all of the above behaviours may also be exhibited by cheating men. I wouldn't know.

[Impasse]

Rude-boy said:

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This is such a bks saying.

Here you are, have something nice and lovely. But just as you get used to it, it will be removed. Didn't the Chinese use a similar method of torture about a thousand years ago?

[CountZero23]

Impasse said:

Rude-boy said:

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This is such a bks saying.

Here you are, have something nice and lovely. But just as you get used to it, it will be removed. Didn't the Chinese use a similar method of torture about a thousand years ago?

No. They got over it.