Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Impasse said:
Rude-boy said:
"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
This is such a b
ks saying. Here you are, have something nice and lovely. But just as you get used to it, it will be removed. Didn't the Chinese use a similar method of torture about a thousand years ago?
The modern equivalent, at least from the man's perspective. And it's bollards.Been together 3+ years. Married just under half of that. No kids involved.
It's been a bit of a cluster**** to be honest. We've both treat each other badly in that time.
There is another man involved (from her past, a revisit). But whilst she likes the romance of their situation, she realises that it's not reality. I found out a couple of months back.
Last Monday I got the "I don't love you" chat. This week has been a bit of a blur. We've had some very low moments. We've also had some good fun too. We spent yesterday together (as a couple really) before I moved back in with my parents.
I know I'm a glutton for punishment. I know I should walk away. But my heart isn't done yet. It hasn't quite caught up. I don't actually think she's fully sure what she wants (which makes it even more confusing).
Awaiting lots of harsh comments from the sensitive community!
It's been a bit of a cluster**** to be honest. We've both treat each other badly in that time.
There is another man involved (from her past, a revisit). But whilst she likes the romance of their situation, she realises that it's not reality. I found out a couple of months back.
Last Monday I got the "I don't love you" chat. This week has been a bit of a blur. We've had some very low moments. We've also had some good fun too. We spent yesterday together (as a couple really) before I moved back in with my parents.
I know I'm a glutton for punishment. I know I should walk away. But my heart isn't done yet. It hasn't quite caught up. I don't actually think she's fully sure what she wants (which makes it even more confusing).
Awaiting lots of harsh comments from the sensitive community!
The problem is that no one (other than the two of us) could possibly understand the joy of the good times we spent together. Those good times, for me, mean that I want to fight.
I've woken a little more philosophical this morning. In that, if she comes back to me, then I'd probably try again. But I'm not going to chase it. It's been really tough not even texting her. There's a big hole in my life (and it'll probably get bigger) and it'll be some time before that hole is filled with other things. I know that things will get better/easier. But this is still new to me. I need time to grieve and mourn.
I've woken a little more philosophical this morning. In that, if she comes back to me, then I'd probably try again. But I'm not going to chase it. It's been really tough not even texting her. There's a big hole in my life (and it'll probably get bigger) and it'll be some time before that hole is filled with other things. I know that things will get better/easier. But this is still new to me. I need time to grieve and mourn.
GeordieSPG said:
Been together 3+ years. Married just under half of that. No kids involved.
It's been a bit of a cluster**** to be honest. We've both treat each other badly in that time.
...
Awaiting lots of harsh comments from the sensitive community!
Don't walk. Run. It's been a bit of a cluster**** to be honest. We've both treat each other badly in that time.
...
Awaiting lots of harsh comments from the sensitive community!
I am not being nasty - don't bother with the blame game, don't analyse, there is no point. At least you've no kids.
Keep your cock in your pants.
Studio117 said:
Question:
Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?
My experience was the same as A Bit Down and ShyTallKnight, because I trusted my wife I didn't suspect anything was up. My Auntie actually warned me that my wife and a guy on Facebook were constantly posting on each others pages but still I didn't suspect anything. The guy was somebody she met at a school reunion and when I initially asked if anything was going on she laughed and said she thought he was gay (he is a hairdresser). Then she started driving 70 miles to get her hair cut by him and going out with friends I had never heard of and still I trusted her so believed everything she told me.Do those who have been cheated on, not notice at all? Head buried in the sand? Relationship of convenience?
The final straw was when she told me she was going to stay with her mum for the weekend. By this point my gut feel told me there was something wrong and when she phoned that night to say goodbye to the girls I could tell she was outside. She didn't reply to any of my messages that night so in the end I got my mum to look after the children and I drove the 70 miles to her mums to discover her car was not there. I phoned her that night to find out what the hell was going on and she claimed she was staying with a friend and told me to go home.
She came home the next morning and I moved to my parents with two bin liners of clothes, my passport and my laptop. She denied she was having an affair and made out the split was my fault as I took her for granted and didn't pay her enough attention.
I knew she was having an affair so I started looking for evidence. I remembered her phone was registered in my name so I downloaded all of her phone bills. Shortly after she went to the school reunion, one number stood out and she was texting it around 200 times a day. I also found out on the day she claimed to be staying at her mums she messaged this number as soon as she got off the phone to me (implying she was texting to say "I am outside") and she had bought a chinese takeaway for £40 which is too much for one person.
I sent her the number saying I know and she claimed it was a female friend of hers. I had no idea who it was until a few days later I went to send a Whatsapp message to a friend of mine and it matched his number with a photo which just happened to be her hairdresser friend. As soon as I showed her my phone her response was "Oh, I thought you would find out eventually" yet she still denied anything happened and she still denies it to this day. Her whole web of lies unraveled and I realised that she had been lying to me constantly for the last 3 months or so.
I have to say, unless you catch the woman in bed with the man she is going to deny it no matter what evidence you have.
Pommygranite said:
I agree - terrible saying as it's usually accompanied by 'better to have loved and lost your wife, your house, seeing your child every day and night, your pension fund and your sanity than never to have had those things in the first place'...
And this is the endgame of the woman having an affair when you are married. The year after we split was the worst and most stressful year of my life and I never want to go through anything like that again. This is why I would never get married again, I personally would never want to risk the above happening again. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have a relationship, but I am not prepared to put myself into a position where I couldn't just walk away and never see her again if something went wrong. That means marriage or buying a house with a woman is totally out of the question now.GeordieSPG said:
If I knew she was sure, I'd get out of it any way that I could.
But she's not (from words and actions too). And that leaves me with some doubt and hope.
We'll see how the weekend goes. I owe my marriage a few more days or weeks. It's a small additional price to pay.
Whatever you do, do not get her pregnant. If you get her pregnant you are basically going to be her meal ticket for the next 18 years. If you own a property together you can divorce her now and hopefully walk away with your 50%. If you get her pregnant she will give up work, kick you out and eventually move her new boyfriend in. You will end up paying for the house for the next 18 years or so while her boyfriend lives there for free.But she's not (from words and actions too). And that leaves me with some doubt and hope.
We'll see how the weekend goes. I owe my marriage a few more days or weeks. It's a small additional price to pay.
Be very, very careful......
I genuinely don't believe that it's about the money. Pregnancy certainly isn't what she wants. And sex is off the agenda anyway.
But I appreciate the sentiment, it has crossed my mind how fortunate that we can have a clean break if it comes to that (and it probably will...but whilst there is hope...).
But I appreciate the sentiment, it has crossed my mind how fortunate that we can have a clean break if it comes to that (and it probably will...but whilst there is hope...).
9mm said:
I thought I had explained why it matters but I'll try again.
If you don't find out the facts YOU will be blamed. If you're happy with that, fill your boots. On a more tangible level, it will be used against you in negotiations (those based on morals not the law).
If you're not, and if you feel the terms of the split should reflect who has been the utter f****** xxxx in the breakdown, you'll need evidence to contradict the story that is being spun.
Nor do you want to be thinking well into the future about what really happened, etc. Lance the boil early and you can move on without questions but the main thing is that you can make an objective assessment of what would be reasonable in the circumstances. The other party may have been spun a yarn in which case they can't really be blamed for grasping an opportunity. However, those that have breached trust (i.e a best friend) or have been warned off, deserve everything they get.
If you were the other man, sleep well and watch your back. Some people have moved on in terms of relationships but retain a desire for justice. They also have the money, means, time and patience to exact it. They won't threaten you at the time - quite the opposite. Only idiots threaten people so only worry if you've been assured there's nothing to worry about.
I dont feel a particular need to make sure my honour and reputation is kept in fine standing, if you do then that's cool. If you don't find out the facts YOU will be blamed. If you're happy with that, fill your boots. On a more tangible level, it will be used against you in negotiations (those based on morals not the law).
If you're not, and if you feel the terms of the split should reflect who has been the utter f****** xxxx in the breakdown, you'll need evidence to contradict the story that is being spun.
Nor do you want to be thinking well into the future about what really happened, etc. Lance the boil early and you can move on without questions but the main thing is that you can make an objective assessment of what would be reasonable in the circumstances. The other party may have been spun a yarn in which case they can't really be blamed for grasping an opportunity. However, those that have breached trust (i.e a best friend) or have been warned off, deserve everything they get.
If you were the other man, sleep well and watch your back. Some people have moved on in terms of relationships but retain a desire for justice. They also have the money, means, time and patience to exact it. They won't threaten you at the time - quite the opposite. Only idiots threaten people so only worry if you've been assured there's nothing to worry about.
I'll tell you why it doesnt matter to me though, when I split up with someone who'd cheated on me I went incommunicado. She'd said allsorts to everyone. Those who knew me knew that it was an exuse. Those that didnt know me were her friends, who were never going to take sides in any kind of argument, and I didnt really want to argument in the first place.
I honestly dont mind being blamed for some of the stuff I was broken up with for. I wasnt blameless, and some days, some times, I can be a bit of a grumpy
. If that's a massive issue to someone, that's fine by me. I can work on not being such a grumpy . That's a 2 way street though. Sometimes, people just dont get on, and some people can bring out the best and worst in themselves and in other people. Just one of those things. Winning the chess game is only important if you're either the black pieces or the white pieces, but if you're the board you dont care who wins and loses. You move on to the next
andy-xr said:
I dont feel a particular need to make sure my honour and reputation is kept in fine standing, if you do then that's cool.
I'll tell you why it doesnt matter to me though, when I split up with someone who'd cheated on me I went incommunicado. She'd said allsorts to everyone. Those who knew me knew that it was an exuse. Those that didnt know me were her friends, who were never going to take sides in any kind of argument, and I didnt really want to argument in the first place.
I honestly dont mind being blamed for some of the stuff I was broken up with for. I wasnt blameless, and some days, some times, I can be a bit of a grumpy. If that's a massive issue to someone, that's fine by me. I can work on not being such a grumpy . That's a 2 way street though. Sometimes, people just dont get on, and some people can bring out the best and worst in themselves and in other people. Just one of those things.
Winning the chess game is only important if you're either the black pieces or the white pieces, but if you're the board you dont care who wins and loses. You move on to the next
You being grumpy ain't reason enough for the missus to play hide the sausage with another bloke.I'll tell you why it doesnt matter to me though, when I split up with someone who'd cheated on me I went incommunicado. She'd said allsorts to everyone. Those who knew me knew that it was an exuse. Those that didnt know me were her friends, who were never going to take sides in any kind of argument, and I didnt really want to argument in the first place.
I honestly dont mind being blamed for some of the stuff I was broken up with for. I wasnt blameless, and some days, some times, I can be a bit of a grumpy
. If that's a massive issue to someone, that's fine by me. I can work on not being such a grumpy . That's a 2 way street though. Sometimes, people just dont get on, and some people can bring out the best and worst in themselves and in other people. Just one of those things. Winning the chess game is only important if you're either the black pieces or the white pieces, but if you're the board you dont care who wins and loses. You move on to the next
zygalski said:
Women are pure evil. Find another. 
...or you could behave like adults, talk about what is missing from the relationship and try to understand each other's position, with a counselor if needed.Strikes me that the one thing these relationship-on-the-rocks posts all have in common is a lack of communication.
Bizarre that people are willing to come on here and pour their hearts out to complete strangers, but aren't willing to tell the person who should be closest to them how they feel and engage with that person to try to really understand how they in turn feel.
youngsyr said:
...or you could behave like adults, talk about what is missing from the relationship and try to understand each other's position, with a counselor if needed.
Strikes me that the one thing these relationship-on-the-rocks posts all have in common is a lack of communication.
Bizarre that people are willing to come on here and pour their hearts out to complete strangers, but aren't willing to tell the person who should be closest to them how they feel and engage with that person to try to really understand how they in turn feel.
Unfortunately by the time the aggrieved is aware of any issues the other person has already left the relationship in all but postcode. Strikes me that the one thing these relationship-on-the-rocks posts all have in common is a lack of communication.
Bizarre that people are willing to come on here and pour their hearts out to complete strangers, but aren't willing to tell the person who should be closest to them how they feel and engage with that person to try to really understand how they in turn feel.
9mm said:
If the relationship has been good, you will see a marked change in behaviour over a very short space of time. Here's a checklist for you, in no particular order:
A new (opposite sex) name will be mentioned in conversations and spoken of as a good mate or similar
There'll be an out of character event which will involve the new mate such as stopping out till 3am
This will be dismissed as totally innocent
Any concerns you voice will be laughed off and you will probably receive quite overt reassurance
She will regularly go missing in a way she hasn't done before, such as getting home a couple of hours later
If questioned, these gaps in the diary will be explained as being with a friend, but it won't be one you have much contact with
She'll become a bit shy about her body
You'll notice she's paying more attention with her appearance
Things you might have said in the past that she would have agreed with (say a joke about one of her parents) will now provoke a defensive/aggressive response
Tester questions, such as does X's wife know about your late out night will be met with lies - "of course, and it's no different to you having a drink with (insert a mutual friend's wife's name here)
Sex will decrease or be sporadically ultra passionate
Your attempts at being affectionate may result in you being told you're 'clingy' or similar
She'll be out with her friends more often - you will never be invited
The phone will be guarded
The home phone will always have 1471 as last number dialled
Early starts become much more common
Eventually there'll be a slip up - this will produce a panic and a more trusted friend may be enlisted to back the cover story
Your growing certainty that something is up and resultant attempts to have a talk about it will be dismissed as silly/paranoid
Any spare time will be filled with activities - none involving you
Trying to get involved will be met with hostility
If you go out, conversation will be difficult and out of character
Physical affection -such as a hug in a photo - will be strained
Little shows of affection that you're used to will cease
Most people will go through a fair number of the above and then realise they have to go all private detective to get somewhere. Only absolute proof will force an admission at which point you'll discover a significant number of your friends have been aware of what's been going on and have covered for her.
So treat any behaviour changes with suspicion and don't wait for months before acting.
And of course, all of the above behaviours may also be exhibited by cheating men. I wouldn't know.
There are many-many truths in there. Well done.A new (opposite sex) name will be mentioned in conversations and spoken of as a good mate or similar
There'll be an out of character event which will involve the new mate such as stopping out till 3am
This will be dismissed as totally innocent
Any concerns you voice will be laughed off and you will probably receive quite overt reassurance
She will regularly go missing in a way she hasn't done before, such as getting home a couple of hours later
If questioned, these gaps in the diary will be explained as being with a friend, but it won't be one you have much contact with
She'll become a bit shy about her body
You'll notice she's paying more attention with her appearance
Things you might have said in the past that she would have agreed with (say a joke about one of her parents) will now provoke a defensive/aggressive response
Tester questions, such as does X's wife know about your late out night will be met with lies - "of course, and it's no different to you having a drink with (insert a mutual friend's wife's name here)
Sex will decrease or be sporadically ultra passionate
Your attempts at being affectionate may result in you being told you're 'clingy' or similar
She'll be out with her friends more often - you will never be invited
The phone will be guarded
The home phone will always have 1471 as last number dialled
Early starts become much more common
Eventually there'll be a slip up - this will produce a panic and a more trusted friend may be enlisted to back the cover story
Your growing certainty that something is up and resultant attempts to have a talk about it will be dismissed as silly/paranoid
Any spare time will be filled with activities - none involving you
Trying to get involved will be met with hostility
If you go out, conversation will be difficult and out of character
Physical affection -such as a hug in a photo - will be strained
Little shows of affection that you're used to will cease
Most people will go through a fair number of the above and then realise they have to go all private detective to get somewhere. Only absolute proof will force an admission at which point you'll discover a significant number of your friends have been aware of what's been going on and have covered for her.
So treat any behaviour changes with suspicion and don't wait for months before acting.
And of course, all of the above behaviours may also be exhibited by cheating men. I wouldn't know.
youngsyr said:
zygalski said:
Women are pure evil. Find another.
...or you could behave like adults, talk about what is missing from the relationship and try to understand each other's position, with a counselor if needed.Strikes me that the one thing these relationship-on-the-rocks posts all have in common is a lack of communication.
Bizarre that people are willing to come on here and pour their hearts out to complete strangers, but aren't willing to tell the person who should be closest to them how they feel and engage with that person to try to really understand how they in turn feel.
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