Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[VladD]

marshalla said:

Fastchas said:

What do you call an Aardvark that's just won a fight?

A well-aardvark.

Not possible - Aardvark never hurt anyone.

[Nom de ploom]

VladD said:

XJSJohn said:

SeeFive said:

CalNaughtonJnr said:

That's it!! I no longer believe in miracles...

Jesus... Are all of Fleetwood Mac dead?

Seriously, I am a bit sad as I spent a lot of time with Errol and he was one of the good guys. But i would not want to stop the joke thread as much as he wouldn't. RIP mate. Keep em flowing.

RIP

Cold Chocolate.

At least he could always ease his joint pains by singing Ibuleve in Miracles....

/coat

[K12beano]

As in...


Just lost a fight to a nasty duck with a blue head and a yellow beak.

Mallard?

No. Well 'ard!

[schmunk]

Person 1: I just got beaten up by a dog on the set of Eastenders 10 years ago.

Person 2: Wellard?

Person 1: Yes.





Am I doing this right?

[Hooli]

schmunk said:

Person 1: I just got beaten up by a dog on the set of Eastenders 10 years ago.

Person 2: Wellard?

Person 1: Yes.





Am I doing this right?

Better then being beaten by a Little Willie.

[Hugo a Gogo]

I said to my mate, 'I can't get this crossword clue; French for duck'

he said 'it's canard'

'yeah, I know, it's 'kin impossible'

[Laurel Green]

Nom de ploom said:

VladD said:

XJSJohn said:

SeeFive said:

CalNaughtonJnr said:

That's it!! I no longer believe in miracles...

Jesus... Are all of Fleetwood Mac dead?

Seriously, I am a bit sad as I spent a lot of time with Errol and he was one of the good guys. But i would not want to stop the joke thread as much as he wouldn't. RIP mate. Keep em flowing.

RIP

Cold Chocolate.

At least he could always ease his joint pains by singing Ibuleve in Miracles....

/coat

[mattdaniels]

Mate of mine used to work for Cunard.

Infact he still works quite hard now.

[Monkeylegend]

Judge Dread did a version of a Beatles song which flopped badly in the charts, didn't even make the top 100. It was so bad that his agent cancelled all of his gigs.

Which just goes to prove you can't book a judge by its cover.

[twing]

I hosted a Superhero themed orgy for midgets last night.

Still a little Thor downstairs.

[Tubbytommy]

Monkeylegend said:

Judge Dread did a version of a Beatles song which flopped badly in the charts, didn't even make the top 100. It was so bad that his agent cancelled all of his gigs.

Which just goes to prove you can't book a judge by its cover.

Radio 2 this morning by any chance?

[Scousefella]

Tubbytommy said:

Monkeylegend said:

Judge Dread did a version of a Beatles song which flopped badly in the charts, didn't even make the top 100. It was so bad that his agent cancelled all of his gigs.

Which just goes to prove you can't book a judge by its cover.

Radio 2 this morning by any chance?

Was just thinking the same - pause for thought.

[havoc]

Halmyre said:

An Irishman goes for a job with a building firm and the boss asks him is he knows the difference between a joist and a girder.

"Dat's easy" says Pat. "Joist wrote 'Ulysses' and Girder wrote 'Faust'".

[Monkeylegend]

Scousefella said:

Tubbytommy said:

Monkeylegend said:

Judge Dread did a version of a Beatles song which flopped badly in the charts, didn't even make the top 100. It was so bad that his agent cancelled all of his gigs.

Which just goes to prove you can't book a judge by its cover.

Radio 2 this morning by any chance?

Was just thinking the same - pause for thought.

Yep, Chris Evans show. it made me laugh so I thought it needed to be shared for those who didn't hear it.

[Vacumatic]

Woman goes round a supermarket, buys some cottage cheese, broccoli, wholemeal bread and some olive oil.

Goes to the checkout, as she approaches she sees a man in the queue, totally Brahms and Liszt. He looks in her shopping basket and then at her, he says. 'obviously single'

She gets so pi55ed at this comment.

'This is 2015, I will have you know that there are plenty of men who enjoy healthy fresh food. so why do you prejudge me and think I am single?'

'Because you are bloody ugly.'

[Ali Chappussy]

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, right.?

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed,
Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, Yasser, etc.?

And yet,
He managed to find 12 friends named John, Peter, Paul, Phillip,
Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon . . . who all drank wine!

Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!

[schmunk]

Ali Chappussy said:

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, right.?

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed,
Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, Yasser, etc.?

And yet,
He managed to find 12 friends named John, Peter, Paul, Phillip,
Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon . . . who all drank wine!

Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!

Jesus and the disciples were all Jews. (Most) Jewish people drink wine.

[MartG]

Ali Chappussy said:

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, right.?

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed,
Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, Yasser, etc.?

And yet,
He managed to find 12 friends named John, Peter, Paul, Phillip,
Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon . . . who all drank wine!

Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!

And they were all white too

[2013BRM]

Next time you're in Asda, - keep up with the Jones's ....

Dear Mrs Jones,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the autoparts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out

[Frimley111R]

I'd like to invite you all to a seminar about people who can't reach orgasm, If you can't come, please let me know.