Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.
And in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
And in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. ‘I'm with the Inland Revenue’
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. ‘I'm with the Inland Revenue’
Laurel Green said:
schmunk said:
OtherBusiness said:
'No,' the woman replied. ‘I'm with the Inland Revenue’
[Pedant]HM Revenue & Customs, for over 10 years now.
[/Pedant]
The joke predates HM Revenue & Customs so is historically correct.
[/historic pedant mode]
if she's squeezing the lads' testicles and says "oh, I invented the seed drill and the three field fallow system" it might be time wise historically accurate but simple not funny, therefore Inland Revenue works fine in the context of the said joke
Nom de ploom said:
Laurel Green said:
schmunk said:
OtherBusiness said:
'No,' the woman replied. ‘I'm with the Inland Revenue’
[Pedant]HM Revenue & Customs, for over 10 years now.
[/Pedant]
The joke predates HM Revenue & Customs so is historically correct.
[/historic pedant mode]
if she's squeezing the lads' testicles and says "oh, I invented the seed drill and the three field fallow system" it might be time wise historically accurate but simple not funny, therefore Inland Revenue works fine in the context of the said joke
VladD said:
Nom de ploom said:
Laurel Green said:
schmunk said:
OtherBusiness said:
'No,' the woman replied. ‘I'm with the Inland Revenue’
[Pedant]HM Revenue & Customs, for over 10 years now.
[/Pedant]
The joke predates HM Revenue & Customs so is historically correct.
[/historic pedant mode]
if she's squeezing the lads' testicles and says "oh, I invented the seed drill and the three field fallow system" it might be time wise historically accurate but simple not funny, therefore Inland Revenue works fine in the context of the said joke
Nom de ploom said:
how far back do you want to go?
if she's squeezing the lads' testicles and says "oh, I invented the seed drill and the three field fallow system" it might be time wise historically accurate but simple not funny, therefore Inland Revenue works fine in the context of the said joke
If she had done those things it would have been pre decimalisation and therefore the coins would have been 2 bob bits not 10p.if she's squeezing the lads' testicles and says "oh, I invented the seed drill and the three field fallow system" it might be time wise historically accurate but simple not funny, therefore Inland Revenue works fine in the context of the said joke
t..... It's the white one's that worry me, I don't think they have woods....A man went to join a very exclusive naturist club. On his first day he went in, undressed and started wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by him and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed this, and came over to him smiling sweetly. "Sir, did you call for me?"
He replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." She then led him to a secluded place, lay down, and happily let him have his way with her.
Afterwards, he continued exploring the club facilities. He entered the sauna, and as he sat down, he farted. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbered out of the steam towards him saying, "Sir, did you call for me?" He said, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spun him around, bent him over the bench and had his way with him.
The man rushed back to the club office, to be greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?"
The man said, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the membership fee."
"But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities ..."
"Listen dear, I am 67 years old. I get a hard-on once a month ... but I fart 15 times a day!"
He replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." She then led him to a secluded place, lay down, and happily let him have his way with her.
Afterwards, he continued exploring the club facilities. He entered the sauna, and as he sat down, he farted. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbered out of the steam towards him saying, "Sir, did you call for me?" He said, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spun him around, bent him over the bench and had his way with him.
The man rushed back to the club office, to be greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?"
The man said, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the membership fee."
"But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities ..."
"Listen dear, I am 67 years old. I get a hard-on once a month ... but I fart 15 times a day!"
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff