If the worst were to happen...
Discussion
thatone1967 said:
I am pretty sure you can adopt even when the biological dad is around.
I seem to recall this happening to the aunt / neice's of my ex wife..
I don't know if things have changed since the 1980's, but I was legally adopted by my Mum and 'Dad' after they married. I have two birth certificates, one with my Mum's maiden name and one with her new married name. As I understand it, he then had 100% legal/parental rights and responsibilities over me. My real father was excluded from by upbringing at my Mum's wish, after a lengthy court battle. I seem to recall this happening to the aunt / neice's of my ex wife..
Bill said:
I'm not sure you get what I'm getting at
I mean that a new GF/wife might not view your baggage in the same light as they would if the child was biologically yours.
I think I do. I mean that a new GF/wife might not view your baggage in the same light as they would if the child was biologically yours.What I am saying is that before you get into a serious relationship with the lady with the children you have to consider what you would do if she were to die and you were left 'holding the baby'. If you are not willing to accept that you will be majorly limiting the number of women who are prepared to take you on in a serious relationship in that event, and giving due regard to the fact the child 'isn't even yours' then you shouldn't be going into the first relationship in the first place.
If you get involved with someone who has children and you are going to be acting In Loc Parentis (SP?) 99% of the time then you have to accept that one day you might well be the only 'father' that child has, regardless of whose eggs and sperm were involved.
Getting involved with someone who has a child/children in residence from a previous relationship is about as serious as it gets and you had better look deep inside yourself before you make that commitment or you are doing not only yourself but also the child a great dis-service.
Bill said:
Rude-boy said:
I think I do.
Gotcha. TBH if I was in that situation I suspect it wouldn't have occurred to me to think it through until it was too late.I suggest that you take legal advice in terms of the adoption option but I doubt if you could do this against the wishes of the natural father. The fact that there is constant contact suggest that the father wants to maintain the relationship, and in the event of the worst happening, it is possible that he could apply for custody. My suggestion is that you avoid a competitive relationship with the natural father and just build your relationship with the child as you are doing.When he is old enough he will form his own judgements. The father may not be a perfect parent, but that's true in many cases where there is no divorce.
I am divorced and remarried with a son of 26, who was 10 when the marriage broke up. A couple of years after the breakup I remarried, and had no further children. My second wife has an excellent relationship with my son which is closer than that with his natural mother, but she is well aware that she is NOT his mother. It has all worked out much better than I ever hoped for, and as an adult now, he will maintain his relationships with each of us with lots of affection for all.
I am divorced and remarried with a son of 26, who was 10 when the marriage broke up. A couple of years after the breakup I remarried, and had no further children. My second wife has an excellent relationship with my son which is closer than that with his natural mother, but she is well aware that she is NOT his mother. It has all worked out much better than I ever hoped for, and as an adult now, he will maintain his relationships with each of us with lots of affection for all.
I and more-so my brother have been in both situations as the child and to a smaller degree 'father figure'. Unfortunately the 'law' here is unfair in this instance, but then it's a minefield because of massively differing circumstances in each situation, and it doesn't mean it is clear-cut. I remember a fair bit about it;
As meant below - 'In Loco Parentis' - Which covers a whole host of things, schoolteachers, child-minders etc, basically anyone that places their child in the care of another person agrees automatically to this, look it up.
Basically when the welfare of a child or the best interests are at stake, it can be used to cover a step-parent, or basically someone that has adopted the role of a parental figure for a substantial amount of time, especially when the child regards said person as a parental figure.
To summarise for the OP, if the worst were to happen, in a court of family law you'd be in good stead to gain visitation rights and maybe guardian status given your current situation.
And similarly to as you said above, of course a bond is built up between father/mother 'figure' and child, so yes it's very hurtful if the relationship then doesn't work out and that bond is lost for whatever reason, from both POV's.
HTH!
As meant below - 'In Loco Parentis' - Which covers a whole host of things, schoolteachers, child-minders etc, basically anyone that places their child in the care of another person agrees automatically to this, look it up.
Basically when the welfare of a child or the best interests are at stake, it can be used to cover a step-parent, or basically someone that has adopted the role of a parental figure for a substantial amount of time, especially when the child regards said person as a parental figure.
To summarise for the OP, if the worst were to happen, in a court of family law you'd be in good stead to gain visitation rights and maybe guardian status given your current situation.
Rude-boy said:
If you get involved with someone who has children and you are going to be acting In Loc Parentis (SP?) 99% of the time then you have to accept that one day you might well be the only 'father' that child has, regardless of whose eggs and sperm were involved.
Getting involved with someone who has a child/children in residence from a previous relationship is about as serious as it gets and you had better look deep inside yourself before you make that commitment or you are doing not only yourself but also the child a great dis-service.
Totally agree, it complicates relationships alot more and takes alot more consideration. Whether or not it's asked or expected of you, it of course comes into it. Unfortunately i don't think alot of people see things the same way or give it the deserved consideration or apreciation, including some in that very situation by the seems of it.Getting involved with someone who has a child/children in residence from a previous relationship is about as serious as it gets and you had better look deep inside yourself before you make that commitment or you are doing not only yourself but also the child a great dis-service.
And similarly to as you said above, of course a bond is built up between father/mother 'figure' and child, so yes it's very hurtful if the relationship then doesn't work out and that bond is lost for whatever reason, from both POV's.
HTH!
I don't think what I said is crap at all. The child has a father who plays a part and that's that.
No one ever has or will play a father figure to my son other than his father. I might be in a relationship with someone in the future but they'll know and respect that my son has a father and they're never going to take that place.
No one ever has or will play a father figure to my son other than his father. I might be in a relationship with someone in the future but they'll know and respect that my son has a father and they're never going to take that place.
My ex wife had a 4 year old daughter when I met her, said daughter is now 20 years old.
She and I get on better than she does with the ex and her dad and I are firm friends. Odd situation I know but it worked out well for the stepdaughter which is all I really cared about. What I mean is judge it from the sprogs point of view and you can't go too far wrong.
For example if (god forbid) something happened to your OH ask the sprog what they want and make it happen.
She and I get on better than she does with the ex and her dad and I are firm friends. Odd situation I know but it worked out well for the stepdaughter which is all I really cared about. What I mean is judge it from the sprogs point of view and you can't go too far wrong.
For example if (god forbid) something happened to your OH ask the sprog what they want and make it happen.
Penny-lope said:
No I expect three adults to have a serious conversation about a child's future. And to forget all norms, and do what is right for that child.
exactly if the biological dad was not around or was a definite bad (i.e. criminal or chaotically drunk / hatstand)) influence the position would be stronger
iirc adoption is possible but it would require the consent of the bio Dad
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