How do you deal with messy drawn out situations?
Discussion
This is a bit of a long drawn out messy story, but just wondered if anybody has any similar experiences/advice.
I'm currently in the middle of taking my ex partner to court to find out if I have a daughter or not. She's turned into a real nasty piece of work.
We were together up until July when she was around 7 & a half months pregnant, when in the space of 4 days we went from being perfectly happy & fine to her being with some other lad within the space of about 4 days. Didn't even tell me it was over, just ignored me for a few days then all of a sudden on Facebook it was "in a relationship with d
head" suddenly blocked on everything to the point I couldn't even phone her unless I put my number on withheld. It's just gotten worse & worse since. After thinking about things and from what I knew & what I found out, the dates don't add up for the baby to be mine by nearly 3 weeks & there's potentially 4 different dad's to the little girl in question, at the time she got pregnant me & her wernt together so she was free to do as she wished but from what I found out sounds like she became the village bike. However up until this point I hadn't clicked, and she was adamant the baby was mine, and had told the entire world so.
About 3 weeks before she was due I was unblocked on whatsapp and had a message asking what my plan was once the baby was born. My reply was I wanted a DNA test due to dates not adding up etc, and she took great offence to this, started coming out with all sorts, "it didn't matter what the dates where, the baby is defiantly mine", "she knew I wasn't going to step up and be a father" and "I couldn't accept the baby being mine so I had to make all this st up about a DNA test". She turned around and said "I was going to get nothing & like it" and she'd given me plenty of chances but now I wasn't going to be involved at all. And suddenly I was blocked again.
Baby was born 2 weeks premature on the 28th of August, and one of her friends really angered me that night, I found out she was going around telling everybody that the baby was mine but i'd said I wanted nothing to do with her at all. Had a solicitor involved pretty much straight away, and she received the first letter from him about a week & a half after she was born, and I got a nasty phone call asking "what did I think I was playing at" and then suddenly in the course of that phone call after 8 months or so of telling everybody she was mine, she suddenly changed her tune to "she's not yours" and "why should she give me a DNA test after everything I did". After that call I got in touch with the solicitor and told him what had happened and he said he was going to give her a couple of days to calm down and then send out a second letter basically explaining that if she wasn't going to play nice and volunteer then we would be making a court application. She phoned him directly after receiving that one and basically said she wasn't going to agree to anything and the baby's defiantly not mine and hung up on him which he was more than impressed with... Not.
So the court applications been filled & was sent off last week & it's just a waiting game now for a court date. But the longer this drags out for the harder things seem to be getting. I can count on one hand the number of pictures i've seen, but im glad in a way as I know if I see more I'll start to get attached and then if the DNA comes back as she isn't it's going to make it even harder. But I also keep getting told about things she's getting up to (There's a lot of common people in our friends circle so things do get back to me) and there really a cause for concern, such as taking a new born baby out to the boy racer car park meets at night. And a few other things.
It's just getting harder to cope with it day in day out, it's the only thing that's playing on my mind, whenever that test happens, my life could potentially completely change, and until I have that answer I've had to pretty much put my life on hold. Friends keep asking me about booking things for the next year and it's just a constant reminder about the situation when I have to say no or ask me closer to the time, because I simply can't commit to anything until I know what the situation will be.
Given the dates & the fact that the date she was with one of the other potentials ties in too well with her due date, i'm 99% certain she isn't mine, the what if she is has been at the back of my mind, but as each day passes it comes further & further forward. I've tried to keep myself busy and keep my mind of it, but it's not easy, and it's affecting my sleep as well, i'm lucky if I see more than 4/5 hours a night and that's if i've really worn myself out throughout the day. It's not easy at all, and the closer it's getting to Christmas the more reality's setting in. I really hope I have an answer by then, especially more so if she does turn out to be mine. I'll never forgive my ex ever if thanks to her stupidity/selfishness I have to miss my Daughter's first Christmas when all of this could have been sorted months ago.
Anybody on here ever been in a similar situation? How did you get through it?
I'm currently in the middle of taking my ex partner to court to find out if I have a daughter or not. She's turned into a real nasty piece of work.
We were together up until July when she was around 7 & a half months pregnant, when in the space of 4 days we went from being perfectly happy & fine to her being with some other lad within the space of about 4 days. Didn't even tell me it was over, just ignored me for a few days then all of a sudden on Facebook it was "in a relationship with d
head" suddenly blocked on everything to the point I couldn't even phone her unless I put my number on withheld. It's just gotten worse & worse since. After thinking about things and from what I knew & what I found out, the dates don't add up for the baby to be mine by nearly 3 weeks & there's potentially 4 different dad's to the little girl in question, at the time she got pregnant me & her wernt together so she was free to do as she wished but from what I found out sounds like she became the village bike. However up until this point I hadn't clicked, and she was adamant the baby was mine, and had told the entire world so. About 3 weeks before she was due I was unblocked on whatsapp and had a message asking what my plan was once the baby was born. My reply was I wanted a DNA test due to dates not adding up etc, and she took great offence to this, started coming out with all sorts, "it didn't matter what the dates where, the baby is defiantly mine", "she knew I wasn't going to step up and be a father" and "I couldn't accept the baby being mine so I had to make all this s
t up about a DNA test". She turned around and said "I was going to get nothing & like it" and she'd given me plenty of chances but now I wasn't going to be involved at all. And suddenly I was blocked again. Baby was born 2 weeks premature on the 28th of August, and one of her friends really angered me that night, I found out she was going around telling everybody that the baby was mine but i'd said I wanted nothing to do with her at all. Had a solicitor involved pretty much straight away, and she received the first letter from him about a week & a half after she was born, and I got a nasty phone call asking "what did I think I was playing at" and then suddenly in the course of that phone call after 8 months or so of telling everybody she was mine, she suddenly changed her tune to "she's not yours" and "why should she give me a DNA test after everything I did". After that call I got in touch with the solicitor and told him what had happened and he said he was going to give her a couple of days to calm down and then send out a second letter basically explaining that if she wasn't going to play nice and volunteer then we would be making a court application. She phoned him directly after receiving that one and basically said she wasn't going to agree to anything and the baby's defiantly not mine and hung up on him which he was more than impressed with... Not.
So the court applications been filled & was sent off last week & it's just a waiting game now for a court date. But the longer this drags out for the harder things seem to be getting. I can count on one hand the number of pictures i've seen, but im glad in a way as I know if I see more I'll start to get attached and then if the DNA comes back as she isn't it's going to make it even harder. But I also keep getting told about things she's getting up to (There's a lot of common people in our friends circle so things do get back to me) and there really a cause for concern, such as taking a new born baby out to the boy racer car park meets at night. And a few other things.
It's just getting harder to cope with it day in day out, it's the only thing that's playing on my mind, whenever that test happens, my life could potentially completely change, and until I have that answer I've had to pretty much put my life on hold. Friends keep asking me about booking things for the next year and it's just a constant reminder about the situation when I have to say no or ask me closer to the time, because I simply can't commit to anything until I know what the situation will be.
Given the dates & the fact that the date she was with one of the other potentials ties in too well with her due date, i'm 99% certain she isn't mine, the what if she is has been at the back of my mind, but as each day passes it comes further & further forward. I've tried to keep myself busy and keep my mind of it, but it's not easy, and it's affecting my sleep as well, i'm lucky if I see more than 4/5 hours a night and that's if i've really worn myself out throughout the day. It's not easy at all, and the closer it's getting to Christmas the more reality's setting in. I really hope I have an answer by then, especially more so if she does turn out to be mine. I'll never forgive my ex ever if thanks to her stupidity/selfishness I have to miss my Daughter's first Christmas when all of this could have been sorted months ago.
Anybody on here ever been in a similar situation? How did you get through it?
Impasse said:
I'd suggest that if the child was yours you would have been hit with a CMS (CSA) attachment by now.
Having read this, it almost sounds to me like you are hoping she is your daughter? If the dates don't add up and she is telling you she isn't your daughter then it seems pretty likely she isn't.This is a way better situation than her letting you think you are the father and expecting you to pay child support for the next 18 years. She sounds an absolute nightmare and if I were you I would never contact her again.
I think you would be amazed at the amount of men raising a child who don't realise they are not the biological father.....
Use this as a warning, always wear a condom and dispose of it yourself. It is amazing the amount of women out there who are on the pill or who tell you they can't have children who miraculously get pregnant.....
Blimey! That sounds very much like a future plagued with misery and arguments that rapidly age you if you have to be involved with someone like this (purely on what you've described). I am routing for the child not to be yours in this case.
Good luck with the whole thing, hope it gets resolved quickly.
Good luck with the whole thing, hope it gets resolved quickly.
Little to add to the situation however a bit of advice.
Going out with nutters is more fun, right up till the mental starts, you won't cure them, the mental always starts, that's why they are nutters.
Going out with slappers is more fun, right up till they cheat on you like they did their ex, they always do, you won't cure them, that's why they are slappers.
Going out with nutters is more fun, right up till the mental starts, you won't cure them, the mental always starts, that's why they are nutters.
Going out with slappers is more fun, right up till they cheat on you like they did their ex, they always do, you won't cure them, that's why they are slappers.
I don't know what to say, to be honest. So many feelings. On the one hand, I really hope the kid isn't yours so that your life doesn't get tangled up in your mental exes life. But, on the other hand, you sound like a sensible and stable person and the daughter would massively benefit from having you in her life. Best of luck, OP, and I hope you get the outcome you are looking for.
Edit - from what you've described, it sounds like the ex really believes it isn't your daughter, as she sound like the kind of person that would milk you dry if she had the legal entitlement to do so.
Edit - from what you've described, it sounds like the ex really believes it isn't your daughter, as she sound like the kind of person that would milk you dry if she had the legal entitlement to do so.
Edited by BrabusMog on Tuesday 17th November 07:19
Surely the best case scenario is that you are not the father.
Sounds like she would make your life hell and refuse access etc etc.
She doesn't want a DNA test because then she has nothing on you if it comes back negative, she can't go around to her mates talking crap about you.
So definitely press on with the DNA test and try and avoid getting attached to the kid when you know it is most likely not yours in the first place.
Sounds like she would make your life hell and refuse access etc etc.
She doesn't want a DNA test because then she has nothing on you if it comes back negative, she can't go around to her mates talking crap about you.
So definitely press on with the DNA test and try and avoid getting attached to the kid when you know it is most likely not yours in the first place.
I'm guessing you have a job? That would be why you were told you were the father, you were supposed to just roll over and be a cash machine without questioning it for the next 20 years.
As soon as she realised that you wanted proof she backtracked knowing she couldn't provide it.
If she thought it was yours you'd have your DNA sample by now, along with a demand for cash.
As soon as she realised that you wanted proof she backtracked knowing she couldn't provide it.
If she thought it was yours you'd have your DNA sample by now, along with a demand for cash.
She sounds like a right Kyle contestant. I hope for your sake that the child isn't yours, it sounds like your life would turn into a nightmare. Children are amazing but I wouldn't want one under those circumstances.
Regarding dates - are you sure it was premature or is that just what she told you?
Regarding dates - are you sure it was premature or is that just what she told you?
Ari said:
I'm guessing you have a job? That would be why you were told you were the father, you were supposed to just roll over and be a cash machine without questioning it for the next 20 years.
As soon as she realised that you wanted proof she backtracked knowing she couldn't provide it.
If she thought it was yours you'd have your DNA sample by now, along with a demand for cash.
I think you are right. DNA or FRO!As soon as she realised that you wanted proof she backtracked knowing she couldn't provide it.
If she thought it was yours you'd have your DNA sample by now, along with a demand for cash.
eldar said:
Ari said:
I'm guessing you have a job? That would be why you were told you were the father, you were supposed to just roll over and be a cash machine without questioning it for the next 20 years.
As soon as she realised that you wanted proof she backtracked knowing she couldn't provide it.
If she thought it was yours you'd have your DNA sample by now, along with a demand for cash.
I think you are right. DNA or FRO!As soon as she realised that you wanted proof she backtracked knowing she couldn't provide it.
If she thought it was yours you'd have your DNA sample by now, along with a demand for cash.
A friend of mine went through the very same a few years ago and the stress was off the scale. He found it soon after the child was not his. In some ways what he went through next was akin to a process of grieving for a loss that he'd wanted and hoped for. A few months later, his thoughts were very different - still angry with the ex for her lies and betrayal, but relieved that the truth came out before the child was born and all that would have followed.
Consider it a bullet dodged but considering the way she's behaving at the moment, balance your thoughts and emotions at your own circumstances, with compassion for the child who's mother with a flexible attitude towards many things. Poor sod - he/she not you... you've by all accounts sounds like you're about to have a lucky escape.
Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to see another perspective before this consumes in something far more painful.
Consider it a bullet dodged but considering the way she's behaving at the moment, balance your thoughts and emotions at your own circumstances, with compassion for the child who's mother with a flexible attitude towards many things. Poor sod - he/she not you... you've by all accounts sounds like you're about to have a lucky escape.
Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to see another perspective before this consumes in something far more painful.
Mate I'm sorry for all your grief and hassle.
It sounds like you live in a very tight community with lots of local friends and acquaintances close at hand.
It's probably easier said than done but move-on, get yourself to the next town or whatever. Make the decisions for yourself, don't let others and their circumstances set your agenda.
Sounds like you got involved with a wrongun and your kid or not, the baby will more than likely grow up to be the same. Don't get involved, don't try and prove you are the father.
Just imagine if it turns out you are the Dad, you'll be in for years of st with the mother and what sound like her scummy gossiping cohorts. At best you'd have a difficult relationship with the kid.
I really do wish you all the best.
It sounds like you live in a very tight community with lots of local friends and acquaintances close at hand.
It's probably easier said than done but move-on, get yourself to the next town or whatever. Make the decisions for yourself, don't let others and their circumstances set your agenda.
Sounds like you got involved with a wrongun and your kid or not, the baby will more than likely grow up to be the same. Don't get involved, don't try and prove you are the father.
Just imagine if it turns out you are the Dad, you'll be in for years of s
t with the mother and what sound like her scummy gossiping cohorts. At best you'd have a difficult relationship with the kid.I really do wish you all the best.
Edited by wildcat45 on Tuesday 17th November 08:42
wildcat45 said:
Sounds like you got involved with a wrongun and your kid or not, the baby will more than likely grow up to be the same. Don't get involved, don't try and prove you are the father.
Just imagine if it turns out you are the Dad, you'll be in for years of st with the mother and what sound like her scummy gossiping cohorts. At best you'd have a difficult relationship with the kid.
Sorry, that won't absolve him of his obligations if it is his child. He can't just 'not get involved', he will be 'involved'.Just imagine if it turns out you are the Dad, you'll be in for years of s
t with the mother and what sound like her scummy gossiping cohorts. At best you'd have a difficult relationship with the kid.All the indications are that the child isn't yours (the change of mind, refusing the test, using you as the convenient excuse for her predicament etc.). As others have said, press on with the DNA test. When this comes back as a negative, move on, get on with your life. The Ex sounds a real mental case, you cannot waste time worrying about what messes she is gong to get herself (and sadly probably her offspring) into.
The child's called Scarlett, she also gave her my mums middle name as well which was my idea in the first place. She isn't a money orientated person, her whole family lives on benefits and smoke like absolutely chimneys so she's been brought up being used to going without, which is the only reason I can think of why she hasn't pursued CSA as I do have 2 jobs as well as being a full time uni student i'd get hit like anything.
She was so adamant the child in question was mine she went behind my back to tell both my mum & dad that she was expecting when I was no where near.
Given the situation it would be better if she wasn't mine, but I need an answer in black & white either way. I can't just go through life with a massive "what if" hanging over me. Plus I can guarantee if I did, in about 16 years time i'd have some random girl on my door step looking for her dad. But if she does turn out to be mine I will make sure I do everything I can to support the little girl, and get as much access as I can.
Regarding dates, she was 2 weeks premature, when I was with her and going to midwife appointments etc, I've seen the due date recorded in the book, she was due on the 11th of September, and she arrived on the 28th of August. I spoke to my god mother who's worked in ultrasound for 20+ years, and asked her about conception dates and she said from her due date she would have conceived around the 12th of December, give or take a week. The last time I slept with her before she knew she was pregnant was the 28th of November, and she admitted she was with someone else on the 18th of December. So it is very very unlikely. But as I said after everything that's gone on I just need a black and white definitive answer.
She was so adamant the child in question was mine she went behind my back to tell both my mum & dad that she was expecting when I was no where near.
Given the situation it would be better if she wasn't mine, but I need an answer in black & white either way. I can't just go through life with a massive "what if" hanging over me. Plus I can guarantee if I did, in about 16 years time i'd have some random girl on my door step looking for her dad. But if she does turn out to be mine I will make sure I do everything I can to support the little girl, and get as much access as I can.
Regarding dates, she was 2 weeks premature, when I was with her and going to midwife appointments etc, I've seen the due date recorded in the book, she was due on the 11th of September, and she arrived on the 28th of August. I spoke to my god mother who's worked in ultrasound for 20+ years, and asked her about conception dates and she said from her due date she would have conceived around the 12th of December, give or take a week. The last time I slept with her before she knew she was pregnant was the 28th of November, and she admitted she was with someone else on the 18th of December. So it is very very unlikely. But as I said after everything that's gone on I just need a black and white definitive answer.
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