Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
sparkythecat said:
A Scottish priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock , as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
So what part of the world are this unlikely duo inhabiting - a cigar in a restauant after a meal? mmmm.. (Captain Logical strikes again!)The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
Trophybloo said:
sparkythecat said:
A Scottish priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock , as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
So what part of the world are this unlikely duo inhabiting - a cigar in a restauant after a meal? mmmm.. (Captain Logical strikes again!)The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously as a politician
he goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms shackled above his head and his legs shackled in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go.’
he goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms shackled above his head and his legs shackled in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go.’
MadOne said:
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously as a politician
he goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms shackled above his head and his legs shackled in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go.’
he goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms shackled above his head and his legs shackled in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go.’
Talking of old'uns 
A tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18 hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat says "Well that's great, that's just great, some asshole's got my pen"
A tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18 hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat says "Well that's great, that's just great, some asshole's got my pen"
A friend of mine is incredibly particular about which colour clothing he wears. He tried wearing white, but couldn't concentrate so is back in black. Some say he's OC/DC.
(I just made that up and, even reading it back now, I'm angry at myself for thinking it's funny. Sorry everyone, I'll leave).
(I just made that up and, even reading it back now, I'm angry at myself for thinking it's funny. Sorry everyone, I'll leave).
Jonboy_t said:
A friend of mine is incredibly particular about which colour clothing he wears. He tried wearing white, but couldn't concentrate so is back in black. Some say he's OC/DC.
(I just made that up and, even reading it back now, I'm angry at myself for thinking it's funny. Sorry everyone, I'll leave).
Needs a bit of work but a valiant effort!(I just made that up and, even reading it back now, I'm angry at myself for thinking it's funny. Sorry everyone, I'll leave).
sparkythecat said:
A Scottish priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock , as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
Granddad rabbit telling his grandson rabbit how to cross a busy road.
"Just take it easy, and if you see a car coming, just get in between the headlights and crouch down"
So off he goes to cross the road.
Sure enough half way across he sees a car coming, so he lines himself up between the headlights and crouches down
SPLAT!
Granddad rabbit turns to his son and says
"Do you know, it's years since I saw a Relient Robbin around these parts"
"Just take it easy, and if you see a car coming, just get in between the headlights and crouch down"
So off he goes to cross the road.
Sure enough half way across he sees a car coming, so he lines himself up between the headlights and crouches down
SPLAT!
Granddad rabbit turns to his son and says
"Do you know, it's years since I saw a Relient Robbin around these parts"
I was in Asda earlier (yes, I know!), there was this young mean looking girl on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten Ginsters pasty. I had only bought milk but had no change.
"£1.03 please". "Sorry this is all I've got," said I as I handed her a £20 note.
"Ain't you got anything smaller? 'cos that'd take all my change and I don't really wanna have to count out £18.97" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"Do you want me to pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."
Don't f
k with me
"£1.03 please". "Sorry this is all I've got," said I as I handed her a £20 note.
"Ain't you got anything smaller? 'cos that'd take all my change and I don't really wanna have to count out £18.97" she replied and pulled a stroppy face.
"Do you want me to pay by card?" I asked.
"Don't do me no favours," she snapped.
I kept my cool and put my PIN in.
"Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."
Don't f
k with meMessage Board | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff