Friendship issue, am I in the wrong?
Discussion
I'll try and keep this short! But i'm afraid this is a long one, suppose i've gotta tell the whole story though!
I had a good (what I thought) group of 4/5 friends, one of which was seeing a girl, wouldn't call it dating, they saw each other like once a week. December 2012 comes and said girl is in hospital having an ovary removed due to it being cancerous. She was in for a week and couldn't even move on the hospital bed but my friend really couldn't care less to be honest, he visited twice, and that was only cause I drove him there. She asked me to come down a couple of times, and after seeing the state she was in, giving her some company would help as my friend had let her down when she needed him most. Christmas eve she was allowed home and we remained in small contact, with me asking how she was doing, nothing more than that really.
Start of january 2013 and my friend decides to end the relationship via text (yes, the pansy way), they had been going out for around a year. I think this is because he couldn't hack the caring for her, or by the fact that this decreases the chance of her having kids. He told her before the OP, "if it means you can't have kids, i'll find someone else that can," Is what he told her.
The contact between me and her kinda grew from there, I discovered her love for cars and motorbikes, she's as much a petrol head as me! This was all kept hidden while they (My friend and her) was going out as he kept her away from us and told a few lies so we would dislike her.
It was getting to the point where we liked each other but I didn't want things to happen over respect for my friend, but emotions came over me. She loves the things I love and it was a too big of an opportunity to miss. We got together and then came the duty, out of respect, to tell my friend that his ex would be my girlfriend. There was no easy way to do it as I wanted to protect his feelings so just told him straight (including the group). He didn't even confront me about it, removed me off facebook and didn't speak to me. If he had a problem about it, I expected him to confront me about it, but he seemed to run away.
He (what I presume) spread a lot lies to the group in order for them to turn against me, which worked. I know this because when I told them, they were fine with it and not bothered in the slightest, until he told his false side of the story. I know there are rumours circulating, one of which goes along the lines that I apparently had sex with her in the hospital, explain that one when it hurt for her to even laugh, but he wouldn't know would he, because he wasn't there for her.
Fast forward 5 months and it's still unresolved, he won't face it head on, 2 attempts to liaise failed when he ignores me. I have to do it over the internet as when he sees me in person, he will pretend he hasn't seen me and will speed walk off in another direction with his head down. To make it clear, there has been none, and don't intend on bringing any violence into this, i'm a laid back guy. We went to college together (2 years ago) so our friends/acquaintances are similar, meaning my social events are now limited as they believe his side of the story. Mainly due to them only hearing his side, mine has not been 'broadcast' at all really.
Apologies for the length of this post, but it isn't a simple story and for it to piece together, I need to tell all the details.
So, have I been a colossal tool? I know going out with a mates ex is dodgy ground, but he was perfectly fine with the breakup, he was almost glad to be single. If he was really upset about it, I wouldn't have gone near her.
I had a good (what I thought) group of 4/5 friends, one of which was seeing a girl, wouldn't call it dating, they saw each other like once a week. December 2012 comes and said girl is in hospital having an ovary removed due to it being cancerous. She was in for a week and couldn't even move on the hospital bed but my friend really couldn't care less to be honest, he visited twice, and that was only cause I drove him there. She asked me to come down a couple of times, and after seeing the state she was in, giving her some company would help as my friend had let her down when she needed him most. Christmas eve she was allowed home and we remained in small contact, with me asking how she was doing, nothing more than that really.
Start of january 2013 and my friend decides to end the relationship via text (yes, the pansy way), they had been going out for around a year. I think this is because he couldn't hack the caring for her, or by the fact that this decreases the chance of her having kids. He told her before the OP, "if it means you can't have kids, i'll find someone else that can," Is what he told her.
The contact between me and her kinda grew from there, I discovered her love for cars and motorbikes, she's as much a petrol head as me! This was all kept hidden while they (My friend and her) was going out as he kept her away from us and told a few lies so we would dislike her.
It was getting to the point where we liked each other but I didn't want things to happen over respect for my friend, but emotions came over me. She loves the things I love and it was a too big of an opportunity to miss. We got together and then came the duty, out of respect, to tell my friend that his ex would be my girlfriend. There was no easy way to do it as I wanted to protect his feelings so just told him straight (including the group). He didn't even confront me about it, removed me off facebook and didn't speak to me. If he had a problem about it, I expected him to confront me about it, but he seemed to run away.
He (what I presume) spread a lot lies to the group in order for them to turn against me, which worked. I know this because when I told them, they were fine with it and not bothered in the slightest, until he told his false side of the story. I know there are rumours circulating, one of which goes along the lines that I apparently had sex with her in the hospital, explain that one when it hurt for her to even laugh, but he wouldn't know would he, because he wasn't there for her.
Fast forward 5 months and it's still unresolved, he won't face it head on, 2 attempts to liaise failed when he ignores me. I have to do it over the internet as when he sees me in person, he will pretend he hasn't seen me and will speed walk off in another direction with his head down. To make it clear, there has been none, and don't intend on bringing any violence into this, i'm a laid back guy. We went to college together (2 years ago) so our friends/acquaintances are similar, meaning my social events are now limited as they believe his side of the story. Mainly due to them only hearing his side, mine has not been 'broadcast' at all really.
Apologies for the length of this post, but it isn't a simple story and for it to piece together, I need to tell all the details.
So, have I been a colossal tool? I know going out with a mates ex is dodgy ground, but he was perfectly fine with the breakup, he was almost glad to be single. If he was really upset about it, I wouldn't have gone near her.
Transmat said:
I don't think you've done anything wrong. My best mate and I have now dated 3 of the same girls, in fact he lives with an ex of mine now.
It's all down to how civil and grown up you can be in these situations, sounds like he is being a bit of a baby.
We've only heard your side though, obviously you could have been s
t stirring towards her and told her to bin him or visa versa, in which case yes I'd be annoyed if I were your mate too.
Thanks for the replies It's all down to how civil and grown up you can be in these situations, sounds like he is being a bit of a baby.
We've only heard your side though, obviously you could have been s
t stirring towards her and told her to bin him or visa versa, in which case yes I'd be annoyed if I were your mate too. 
Thought it best get opinions of a 3rd party Yeah, I agree that bias can easily be put into it, but i've been as honest as possible. Those events, are the true events.
While they were together I didn't bad mouth him to her in anyway. I refused to talk about their relationship, I did not want to influence their relationship in any way. It was between them two.
Sorry for not specifically quoting others, but I suppose it did feel like I lost something, he never did anything bad to me. By the way he f
ked me off, it felt as if i'd done something wrong. BMRuss said:
You said they were not really dating, but had been in a relationship for a year?
It comes across to me that perhaps you liked her when they were a bit, closer?
But, he sounds like a prat from what you've said and if she likes you and you like her, win win.
Yeah, not easy to explain. They we're together but never did the things BF and GF do, almost like friends with benefits. That's the best way I can put it.It comes across to me that perhaps you liked her when they were a bit, closer?
But, he sounds like a prat from what you've said and if she likes you and you like her, win win.
No, I didn't like her until I got the know her after the Op. We got along the 2/3 times I saw her in a year when she was going out with my friend, but I didn't like her in an emotional way.
slow_poke said:
Why are you telling us this story instead of your group of mates?
I'be told them bits, emphasising on the points that I didn't touch her while they were together and the fact I tried my best to respect his feelings on the matter. I didn't want to tell them absolutely everything at first as I didn't want to make it sound as if I was automatically in the right and he was wrong just because he was a stty boyfriend. The stty boyfriend business is/was between him and her. I tried to bide my time on it, hoping it would cool down and answers would over time, come out. I guess that never happened as he 'got to' them first.GC8 said:
Hold on: was it your lass and you dumped her when she came out of hospital so that you didnt have to look after her?
Not sure if serious? But no, not true, I have the girl now.Thanks again for contributions, I guess that if my friends deserted me over something like this then they will have done it sometime in the future when I really needed them.
GC8 said:
Read it all again a little more carefully James. You will see that I was mocking the fool who told you to 'find your own woman'.
Ah, Gotcha! The no quote in your post threw me off, didn't realise you'd double posted! Heff said:
Why has no one suggested setting fire to his house yet?
That would appear to be the most satisfying option 
, but i'd rather not be on the wrong end of a police investigation or ruin innocent peoples lives i.e neighbours Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff