Toilet Mis-habs!
Discussion
I was just on the lav... at work and the toilet i was sitting on has a bit of a dodge seat(as i found out)! Any way as i was finishing up on the deed and as i pulled off some tissue and went to wipe my backdoor the seat slipped and i nearly fell off the toilet all together! as you can imagine it was a bit of a shock as i learnt over to wipe!!
i didn't know if anyone else has had any bad experiences going to the toliet or along that nature, or known anyone else who has!??
Taita said:
FROM AJCJ:
I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.
So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.
To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.
Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?
Kind of killed the mood, rather.
I confess to feeling selfconscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana massala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.
So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, felafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.
To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.
Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?
Kind of killed the mood, rather.
kelk said:
fatpasty said:
I was just on the lav... at work and the toilet i was sitting on has a bit of a dodge seat(as i found out)! Any way as i was finishing up on the deed and as i pulled off
Worst veiled broke seat whilst having a hand shandy at work story ever?treehack said:
A few years ago I was on my my from the yard to a job with 2 others in a lorry We had to endure James doing death farts for around 1/2 hour all the way there. We really were gagging and James was in dire need of a bog.
Upon arrival James was out of the truck like a shot and knocking on the door (quite literally). Customer opens the door to be confronted by a James who promtly says " Hello we've come to do your tree's and can I use your bog". Slightly taken aback by his introduction he disapears inside.
He came out about 20 mins later to tell the sorry tale. The toilet was upstairs which he barely made it to. Door shut he sat on the bog and unleashed hell, judging by the death farts in the truck the smell of him dropping his load must have been disgusting. Apparantly it was causing even James to gag. It was now that he noticed 2 problems, the first being the dire state of the pan and the second was that there was no window to open to disapate the stench only a small extractor fan.
When ready to leave his dilema was to exit quickly and shut the door hoping the fan does the job or leave the door open hoping the stench will disperse in the larger area of the hous quickly. He went for option 2 which was a mistake. He said that by the time he got to the bottom of the stairs he could smell it as bad as if he was still in the bog.
He made a sharp exit from the house and told us all this, within a few minutes all the windows in the house were open and the woman was looking towards us in absolute disgust. Need less to say we wern't offered any tea or coffee that day.
Upon arrival James was out of the truck like a shot and knocking on the door (quite literally). Customer opens the door to be confronted by a James who promtly says " Hello we've come to do your tree's and can I use your bog". Slightly taken aback by his introduction he disapears inside.
He came out about 20 mins later to tell the sorry tale. The toilet was upstairs which he barely made it to. Door shut he sat on the bog and unleashed hell, judging by the death farts in the truck the smell of him dropping his load must have been disgusting. Apparantly it was causing even James to gag. It was now that he noticed 2 problems, the first being the dire state of the pan and the second was that there was no window to open to disapate the stench only a small extractor fan.
When ready to leave his dilema was to exit quickly and shut the door hoping the fan does the job or leave the door open hoping the stench will disperse in the larger area of the hous quickly. He went for option 2 which was a mistake. He said that by the time he got to the bottom of the stairs he could smell it as bad as if he was still in the bog.
He made a sharp exit from the house and told us all this, within a few minutes all the windows in the house were open and the woman was looking towards us in absolute disgust. Need less to say we wern't offered any tea or coffee that day.
Edited by treehack on Friday 8th April 17:42
muppets_mate said:
alfa pint said:
At a house warming party a few years ago.....
The place was completely unfurnished, totally and utterly bare i.e. Best time to invite a load of drunken idiot mates around to warm your house.
We arrived as a group of 4 lads, one of whom had his bint in tow; she was desperate for the loo, so as soon as we got there, she headed upstairs to christen the bog.
We headed for the kitchen, collected some beers and were admiring the garden from the conservatory when we heard a loud thud on the glass roof. We all looked up to see a large turd rolling / sliding down the glass and fall into the gutter, leaving a brown smear on the glass. We're gobsmacked for a minute, completely shocked. Then we start to laugh as we realise that it is really a turd. Then she walks in. Sees what we see. Sees us laughing. Turns and runs out. We never see her again for months.
Turns out she had a poo she couldn't flush. No bog brush to poke it down or break it up. So, not knowing about the conservatory, she just picked it up and threw it out the window.
Reminds me of thisThe place was completely unfurnished, totally and utterly bare i.e. Best time to invite a load of drunken idiot mates around to warm your house.
We arrived as a group of 4 lads, one of whom had his bint in tow; she was desperate for the loo, so as soon as we got there, she headed upstairs to christen the bog.
We headed for the kitchen, collected some beers and were admiring the garden from the conservatory when we heard a loud thud on the glass roof. We all looked up to see a large turd rolling / sliding down the glass and fall into the gutter, leaving a brown smear on the glass. We're gobsmacked for a minute, completely shocked. Then we start to laugh as we realise that it is really a turd. Then she walks in. Sees what we see. Sees us laughing. Turns and runs out. We never see her again for months.
Turns out she had a poo she couldn't flush. No bog brush to poke it down or break it up. So, not knowing about the conservatory, she just picked it up and threw it out the window.
From 4:06, although the whole thing is worth watching.
Edit: to say the link may be slightly NSFW, but then I think most people would assume similar when they clicked on this thread...
Edited by muppets_mate on Thursday 14th April 23:39
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