The waiting is the hardest bit
Discussion
Lemmonie said:
Thanks for everyones concern. I pleased to report the lump appears to be simply a cyst although we are awaiting a scan for 100% confirmation. The consultant seems happy enough its nothing more siniter so we are happy too. My husband is massivly relieved as he was really quite worried. Thank you.
Excellent news.It has been a while now since I wrote upon here. Life goes on for all of us and me included - though at times like many in recent loss the urge to pull up the drawbridge and repel all-comers is strong. But every day that life is sad, life is also not so sad and brings forth beauty and love in a thousand shapes and forms. I am blessed to have met so many kind peoples and be bouyed along by deeds and words that convey so very much. I think of Lily every minute of every day and she is my constant companion who still supports me in the ways that matter. I feel so sad at times, yet at other times, a strength and resolve to move on drawn from my lily's tremendous courage spurs me on.
The final part of the physical journey of letting go begins and I am for the first time afraid of my own grief. To let go the physical form is a challenge of great proportion and I steady myself in my fear by grounding on a mountain and letting my spirit soar like the sea eagles upon high. Through the eagle's eye I see the small figure of a man sitting on a high hill holding a bag of dust, letting go a lifetime of love. The bag is of dust that must be set free for life to continue annew. Yet the man pauses in his fears of letting go of life becomes the start of letting go of love itself.
I sit and wonder at times if true strength isn't always about the doing, it's often of the letting go and having the strength to do so knowing and trusting it's the right thing to do. It's easy to hold on so tight, but a thousand times harder still to open the cord, release the essence and step into the unknown. My first step is but a handful of hours away. Never in my life have I felt so scared, never so afraid. Just Lily, the mountains, the eagles dream and me.
The final part of the physical journey of letting go begins and I am for the first time afraid of my own grief. To let go the physical form is a challenge of great proportion and I steady myself in my fear by grounding on a mountain and letting my spirit soar like the sea eagles upon high. Through the eagle's eye I see the small figure of a man sitting on a high hill holding a bag of dust, letting go a lifetime of love. The bag is of dust that must be set free for life to continue annew. Yet the man pauses in his fears of letting go of life becomes the start of letting go of love itself.
I sit and wonder at times if true strength isn't always about the doing, it's often of the letting go and having the strength to do so knowing and trusting it's the right thing to do. It's easy to hold on so tight, but a thousand times harder still to open the cord, release the essence and step into the unknown. My first step is but a handful of hours away. Never in my life have I felt so scared, never so afraid. Just Lily, the mountains, the eagles dream and me.
drivin_me_nuts said:
It has been a while now since I wrote upon here. Life goes on for all of us and me included - though at times like many in recent loss the urge to pull up the drawbridge and repel all-comers is strong. But every day that life is sad, life is also not so sad and brings forth beauty and love in a thousand shapes and forms. I am blessed to have met so many kind peoples and be bouyed along by deeds and words that convey so very much. I think of Lily every minute of every day and she is my constant companion who still supports me in the ways that matter. I feel so sad at times, yet at other times, a strength and resolve to move on drawn from my lily's tremendous courage spurs me on.
The final part of the physical journey of letting go begins and I am for the first time afraid of my own grief. To let go the physical form is a challenge of great proportion and I steady myself in my fear by grounding on a mountain and letting my spirit soar like the sea eagles upon high. Through the eagle's eye I see the small figure of a man sitting on a high hill holding a bag of dust, letting go a lifetime of love. The bag is of dust that must be set free for life to continue annew. Yet the man pauses in his fears of letting go of life becomes the start of letting go of love itself.
I sit and wonder at times if true strength isn't always about the doing, it's often of the letting go and having the strength to do so knowing and trusting it's the right thing to do. It's easy to hold on so tight, but a thousand times harder still to open the cord, release the essence and step into the unknown. My first step is but a handful of hours away. Never in my life have I felt so scared, never so afraid. Just Lily, the mountains, the eagles dream and me.
DMN,The final part of the physical journey of letting go begins and I am for the first time afraid of my own grief. To let go the physical form is a challenge of great proportion and I steady myself in my fear by grounding on a mountain and letting my spirit soar like the sea eagles upon high. Through the eagle's eye I see the small figure of a man sitting on a high hill holding a bag of dust, letting go a lifetime of love. The bag is of dust that must be set free for life to continue annew. Yet the man pauses in his fears of letting go of life becomes the start of letting go of love itself.
I sit and wonder at times if true strength isn't always about the doing, it's often of the letting go and having the strength to do so knowing and trusting it's the right thing to do. It's easy to hold on so tight, but a thousand times harder still to open the cord, release the essence and step into the unknown. My first step is but a handful of hours away. Never in my life have I felt so scared, never so afraid. Just Lily, the mountains, the eagles dream and me.
Pull up the drawbridge, if you wish
. No one will think any worse of you. I am doing so now, counting the minutes of calm and silence in the dark, for my own reasons. The calm will soon be gone and the sun will rise again.But with the sun and noise comes life. Don't be afraid of a new day and don't regret that she is not there because she will always be with you.Think of her with the Levant in her hair and sun on her face. Hear her laughter and watch her smile. It is all good,my friend. I shall say a small 'hello' to Lily from me and 'PH' before I fall asleep, as I do for my Erin each night. I will be smiling....and you must smile too.
Russell: its not dust, its stardust and its forever. You are not letting go of it, just returning it to its endless journey, and the love and the memory will endure beyond. Some of oldest and best friends are in my head now, unimpaired, undiminished, as bright as when I saw them in fully vigour. Of course you will grieve deeply. It is not weakness, but realigning your life, and I have no doubt that at some point the scars will heal, remaining as memories but still there. Eventually we lose, not the memory of pain, but the feeling of it, and this will happen at some time that is different for every one of us. All the best.
TVR1 said:
DMN,
Pull up the drawbridge, if you wish. No one will think any worse of you. I am doing so now, counting the minutes of calm and silence in the dark, for my own reasons. The calm will soon be gone and the sun will rise again.But with the sun and noise comes life. Don't be afraid of a new day and don't regret that she is not there because she will always be with you.
Think of her with the Levant in her hair and sun on her face. Hear her laughter and watch her smile. It is all good,my friend. I shall say a small 'hello' to Lily from me and 'PH' before I fall asleep, as I do for my Erin each night. I will be smiling....and you must smile too.
Very wise and beautiful words, couldn't of said it any better.Pull up the drawbridge, if you wish
. No one will think any worse of you. I am doing so now, counting the minutes of calm and silence in the dark, for my own reasons. The calm will soon be gone and the sun will rise again.But with the sun and noise comes life. Don't be afraid of a new day and don't regret that she is not there because she will always be with you.Think of her with the Levant in her hair and sun on her face. Hear her laughter and watch her smile. It is all good,my friend. I shall say a small 'hello' to Lily from me and 'PH' before I fall asleep, as I do for my Erin each night. I will be smiling....and you must smile too.
Hope you're ok Russell
thank you for your lovely words. I take a great deal of comfort from the knowledge that there are so many who walk the same path as me. We walk our paths of love and loss alone, but we all share the same journey. My dreams of late are vivid and bright and full of conflictions of emotion. It has Come to today, and before the rain falls I shall walk the blackened peaks where the eagle soar free and let my lily go.
In truth I don't know how I feel - today is a day like no other and one of vivid thoughts fighting total numbness.
Lily's favourite siong was called 'Zendonie' and it is a song about the imprisoned mind finding freedom even though the guards lock the man away. As I sit here thinking of today, perhaps no place is more fitting to let her go. Lily was always a free spirit, a soul too bright, too strong and too vibrant ever to be imprisoned by anyone or anything. Today I shall put aside my sadness and set my Lily free... where the sea eagles soar and the spirit is free, where the mountains meet the oceans, my dreams of free Lida and me.
In truth I don't know how I feel - today is a day like no other and one of vivid thoughts fighting total numbness.
Lily's favourite siong was called 'Zendonie' and it is a song about the imprisoned mind finding freedom even though the guards lock the man away. As I sit here thinking of today, perhaps no place is more fitting to let her go. Lily was always a free spirit, a soul too bright, too strong and too vibrant ever to be imprisoned by anyone or anything. Today I shall put aside my sadness and set my Lily free... where the sea eagles soar and the spirit is free, where the mountains meet the oceans, my dreams of free Lida and me.
67a day of dodged rainshowers.. I knew the place would make itself known when I got there and sure enough of the many undulations and false summits, the right one became obvious. It rained on the way up,it poured on the way down, but when it mattered, it had stopped. I toasted my girl with cold tea and sang her favourite song, then let her go where the wind took her towards the mountains. I walked down through the mist and trees and played another favourite song and cried a thousand tears of loss and sadness. How fitting that she flew to the mountains. Before the rains returned there was a silence and stillness befitting the occasion. Thisisland has captured another soul. I shall return again to walk these mountains. I shall join her again soon - Skye has captured another soul.
Just a happy update....
Well if any of you reading this remember, one the biggest complications that Lily had when she first went into hospital was the insertion of a foley catheter instead of using a proper feeding tube. It caused all kinds of extra stress and complications and excluded us from specialist home nutritional nursing help when we needed it most. All because the wrong tube was fitted.
Well today I received a letter from the PCT trust that confirmed that they will no longer fit foley catheters and instead, from day one the correct tube will be placed.
When I opened this letter I cried tears of joy. It means that the 2 - 3 people a week who go into our PCT for this type of surgery will not wake up to the bitter surprise of not getting what they had told to expect. All it took a letter from us, supported by our cancer centre to make this happen. It has taken just a few months for this change to be made and for those going through this procedure, it is big deal. I wrote the letter with no intent and no agenda other than wanting change.
I am happy beyond words today that for the next person walking my darling Lily's path, there will be one less stone in the road.
Well if any of you reading this remember, one the biggest complications that Lily had when she first went into hospital was the insertion of a foley catheter instead of using a proper feeding tube. It caused all kinds of extra stress and complications and excluded us from specialist home nutritional nursing help when we needed it most. All because the wrong tube was fitted.
Well today I received a letter from the PCT trust that confirmed that they will no longer fit foley catheters and instead, from day one the correct tube will be placed.
When I opened this letter I cried tears of joy. It means that the 2 - 3 people a week who go into our PCT for this type of surgery will not wake up to the bitter surprise of not getting what they had told to expect. All it took a letter from us, supported by our cancer centre to make this happen. It has taken just a few months for this change to be made and for those going through this procedure, it is big deal. I wrote the letter with no intent and no agenda other than wanting change.
I am happy beyond words today that for the next person walking my darling Lily's path, there will be one less stone in the road.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff