Emotional eating and being unlucky in life?

[anonymous-user]

rosbif77 said:

Hi ELUSIVEJIM,

I've got several questions in fact si here goes:

1. Do you work in therapy/psychology? You mentioned helping people so i'm guessing based on your comments about my dad's behaviour.

2. How can i break the vicious cycle of feeling unloved/unwanted/abandonned by my dad and confort eating to bury the pain?

3. What can i do to overcome the feeling that life's given me raw deal with all the tragedy/emotional suffering i've endured?

4. I love food but can't break the connection between food and emotional suffering. Any ideas?

5. Why does my lack of self esteem stop me every time from following my dreams? Many famous writers have talked about an inner voice constantly nagging them to write, that when they get asked the question 'why do they write?' they reply with 'because i have to'.
I get the same urge, i've had it ever since i was at school ( remember the writing at night in my bed) but i can't get the feelings of worthlessness about of my system.

Thanks.

Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 6th August 19:59

Hi mate,

Ok will reply using your numbered questions.

1. I have no back ground to any form of psychology or taken a course in counselling. I have however had first hand experience of receiving therapy,counselling,acupuncture,regression,hypnosis and many other forms of so called help spending tens of thousands of pounds and getting no benefit. Unfortunately many are in it to make money. If you look at the word counselling it even states SELLING

My life has been far from a bed of roses but after too many years trying to get help I decided to help myself. I am a Reiki Master "if you know what that is" and whilst doing this for free I just seemed to be able to help people by knowing what was really troubling them. After experiencing more and more of this I decided to watch a lot of material regarding self help and how thought patterns are learned and how they can keep people in a mind prison. So basically a lot of research and controlling of the mind material and even law of attraction information about helping the future you. I give everyone I help a way of being able to communicate with me when the need me. This can be via email or an app like Whatsapp. When you are feeling very low just knowing someone is there to help makes a huge difference. Well at least no one I have helped has relapsed back to their previous suffering. Unfortunately I personally feel unless someone has been in a situation no amount of reading or studying can give you an insight to the suffering people go through on a daily basis. Having been there I understand.

2. Again this is something you do need help with but not as far as having to see someone or take tablets. These people including your father seem to enjoy the fact they can bully and hurt someone they have power over. As mentioned these things do stick and it has badly affected you emotionally. This with the added pain of losing your mum and GF to death makes it justify to your brain that perhaps these people were correct about you. You have had years of emotional and physical abuse but they way they treated you and continue to do so is the only reason you feel like you perhaps have failed. Each time something comes up your father states"told you so"

One of the best ways of start to move forward is look back. Has listening to your father made your life any better or worse? The bullies and teachers who were so evil are actually winning by holding you in their energies as you struggle to let these things go.

One thing which I found extremely difficult personally is forgiving these people. By forgiving there actions you are giving them no power. The energy you give them even not can be put into projects which will enhance your life not hold it back. Put your thoughts and energy into things that will give you love. Your children and perhaps a future Mrs. Again if you need help on this as it is not that simple to understand just ask.

3. Again this is a state of mind which has come due to the actions of others. Your rock was taken from you and then your GF. Both are huge. But you are correct your life has given you a huge raw deal. Your family are part of that raw deal. But do you not think that by staying in this raw deal on a daily basis you are wasting the precious time we are given on this earth? Do you think your mum is enjoying looking down on you seeing your daily struggle knowing part of that is due to her death? Why your mother had to die is beyond our control and is tragic but in her memory make sure you make the best of what you have at this moment in time. Start writing down on a piece of paper the positive things in your life just now. Write down what you would love to do but are too scared to.

If you think about it has living with this ball and chain made your life better? Do you want to continue listening to your brain going over the past about how stupid you are? You have proven these memories are just fiction which was placed there by others. Again by writing down your positive aspects and desires you are actually changing your future.

4. Food is your mum. She was your comfort and she did this for you to make you feel better. Again this is the power of your mind. Deep in your subconscious this is buried deep. Can I ask have you really grieved for your mum? A way of helping the fact you never got to say goodbye is writing a letter to your mum. Right her name and put down everything that has happened to you and what you would love to tell her if she was with you. While writing this letter too her have her picture in front of you and a candle. Don't worry if you take weeks to write the letter just take your time. When you are finished take the letter to a post box and pretend to post the letter. Imagine it has gone to her. Then put the picture of your mum and the sealed letter together in a box and place it somewhere in the house.

5.Again your purpose is to write. This is a flame that just will not go away. Your father and the teachers all tried to get this out of your system but no one even yourself can ignore this urge. This is why writing to your mum is so important. If you can do this then it will make you see that your passion and purpose is achievable. Yes the inner voice may come back to test you but you have shown over the years of hurt that nothing can stop you.

Finally I would write a letter to your father. Tell him exactly what he has done to you. Do not hold back. Go into detail. Tell him exactly what you think of him. Get everything off your chest and actually send it to him. Even if he does not reply or mention it again at least you have said what you feel. This will make a huge difference to your energy flow and your mental well being. This along with speaking to your mum through writing to her will you be addressing your feelings which is massive. Again anyone else you may want to write to do it. If you blame yourself for the death of your GF then write to her. Get everything out of your mind and into the letters. This will be a huge release and will help the progression for your future.

I know the above is very hard but just hit it head on. You will be amazed by the relief once done. :-)

Again any questions just ask :-)

Edited by anonymous-user on Saturday 6th August 20:59

Edited by anonymous-user on Saturday 6th August 21:14

Edited by anonymous-user on Saturday 6th August 23:56

[98elise]

rosbif77 said:

MYOB said:

If I were you, I would focus on the present, rather than the future (pension). Try and compartmentalise your issues, and I personally would focus on the most difficult one first... Whether to move back to the UK or stay in France. Then progress from there. It sound like you have too much to worry with!

Good luck.

Should i stay or should i go.....?
I'm absolutely paralysed with fear about making the wrong decision!

If you do, then you can go back. Its not a permanent decision, and France is not the other side of the world. A mate of mine has emigrated to NZ twice! His sofa has spent more time in shipping containers than in his living room

Hope all ends well for you!

[rosbif77]

Thanks for all the advice and support. I take each day as it comes and try to ignore the negative inner thoughts.

[anonymous-user]

rosbif77 said:

Thanks for all the advice and support. I take each day as it comes and try to ignore the negative inner thoughts.

Send me a PM anytime if you want to chat.

Take care mate and all the best.

[Steve Campbell]

Wow, an emotional story. I have no similar experience to help, but just wanted to say the bit of the initial story that actually stood out for me was 12 years school teacher with 100% pass rate for students.

Wow. Amazing. Just think how many lives you have influenced in a positive way in those last 12 years alone !!

Worthless ? I don't think so.....

Good luck with your demons & I wish you all the best.

[alteredracer]

I rarely post, but felt compelled to reply to this. I'm not a professional, but have studied several behaviour modification techniques as part of my own therapy to manage depression.

You've been through one heck of a lot in life and it's no wonder that it's taken it's toll on your physical and emotional health.

Until early this year, I struggled with feeling worthless for a long time. I've stood on that bridge too The breakthrough for me came in the form of antidepressants and a sit down with someone who put things in a way that helped me to change my mindset. The most powerful words I've ever heard;

"You can't choose what happens to you in life, but you can choose how you let it affect your future. Everything you do from now on is your choice."

You have overcome so much, and what happens next is in your hands. I'm not telling you to 'toughen up' as that's the last thing you need to hear, but everything you do is a choice, whether conscious or not. You can choose not to emotionally eat, you can choose not to allow your Dad's words to hurt you. TBH, if I were in your shoes, I would questions if I wanted a relationship with him. If he wasn't a relative, would you choose to spend your time & energy on him? There is no law that says we have to put up with hurtful behaviour from people, just because people are biologically related to us.

In terms of your weight, you may feel unhappy with it, but it sounds like you're far from being 'fat'. To put it into perspective, I'm 5'7" and weigh the same as you. I'm also female. I don't consider myself to be fat (although medically, I am 'overweight') but I do a lot of powerlifting so am pretty broad

Believe it or not, yoga got rid of my gut, which wasn't caused by overeating, but was linked to depression. The stress hormone cortisol can cause weight to 'stick' around your middle, and no amount of exercise or healthy eating was shifting it. Yoga, practising mindfulness and learning slowly to give less of a sh.. about things has got rid of it with no change to my training/nutrition routine.

Anyway, I've waffled...but what I really wanted to say is it sounds like you've done a fantastic job in raising your kids, and as a teacher, you'll be influencing hundreds more in ways you might not realise. If what you want to do is write, then write. Follow your dreams. Be kind to yourself.

[Ruskie]

You are a way stronger man than you give yourself credit for. You have had way above average adversity in your life. Believe in yourself and do what feels right.

[rosbif77]

Steve Campbell said:

Wow, an emotional story. I have no similar experience to help, but just wanted to say the bit of the initial story that actually stood out for me was 12 years school teacher with 100% pass rate for students.

Wow. Amazing. Just think how many lives you have influenced in a positive way in those last 12 years alone !!

Worthless ? I don't think so.....

Good luck with your demons & I wish you all the best.

Thanks for the kind words. One of the reasons i chose to be a teacher is because i wanted to make a difference, to help those who nobody cared about, those who were seen as stupid or simply lacked self esteem.
The most important skill i have as a teacher is to never give up on any of my students. No matter how bad the results i will never stop encouraging my students to keep trying and keep moving forward.
I frequently ended up arguing with heads of year at the school in Portsmouth where i taught because i refused to accept their view that a pupil was beyond help. The head of history gave me all the bottom groups and hated it when they progressed more than the kids in his easy classes!!!!
However, it didn't get me very far since i was routinely overlooked by the school heads. They preferred 'yes' men who spoke eloquently about making a difference and improving standards whilst always having the top sets to teach!!!!
I got fed up and decided to look elsewhere!!!

Edited by rosbif77 on Tuesday 9th August 14:36

[rosbif77]

alteredracer said:

I rarely post, but felt compelled to reply to this. I'm not a professional, but have studied several behaviour modification techniques as part of my own therapy to manage depression.

You've been through one heck of a lot in life and it's no wonder that it's taken it's toll on your physical and emotional health.

Until early this year, I struggled with feeling worthless for a long time. I've stood on that bridge too The breakthrough for me came in the form of antidepressants and a sit down with someone who put things in a way that helped me to change my mindset. The most powerful words I've ever heard;

"You can't choose what happens to you in life, but you can choose how you let it affect your future. Everything you do from now on is your choice."

You have overcome so much, and what happens next is in your hands. I'm not telling you to 'toughen up' as that's the last thing you need to hear, but everything you do is a choice, whether conscious or not. You can choose not to emotionally eat, you can choose not to allow your Dad's words to hurt you. TBH, if I were in your shoes, I would questions if I wanted a relationship with him. If he wasn't a relative, would you choose to spend your time & energy on him? There is no law that says we have to put up with hurtful behaviour from people, just because people are biologically related to us.

In terms of your weight, you may feel unhappy with it, but it sounds like you're far from being 'fat'. To put it into perspective, I'm 5'7" and weigh the same as you. I'm also female. I don't consider myself to be fat (although medically, I am 'overweight') but I do a lot of powerlifting so am pretty broad

Believe it or not, yoga got rid of my gut, which wasn't caused by overeating, but was linked to depression. The stress hormone cortisol can cause weight to 'stick' around your middle, and no amount of exercise or healthy eating was shifting it. Yoga, practising mindfulness and learning slowly to give less of a sh.. about things has got rid of it with no change to my training/nutrition routine.

Anyway, I've waffled...but what I really wanted to say is it sounds like you've done a fantastic job in raising your kids, and as a teacher, you'll be influencing hundreds more in ways you might not realise. If what you want to do is write, then write. Follow your dreams. Be kind to yourself.

A big thankyou for posting this as it has made me take a long hard look at my life. I've been so used to taking emotional knocks which in turn led to emotional confort eating that it seened almost normal. No one close to me really bothered about how i might be feeling and those that did left me.

I think the quote you include basically sums up v.well what choices i have now. I want to start looking aftzr myself better and enjoy life more.
I'm approaching my half century next year and want to stop being afraid of the future and let go of the toxic memories holding me back.

A major cause of the current depression is afeeling that i haven't achieved anything in life, that i've never made any goals and kept to them, and that i feel physically trapped in the town full of memories of my married life. Having to travel every day past the house where my kids grew up in and where i lived with the ex, knowing that someone else is in that house now is very painful. Where ever i go locally i'm constantly reminded of my previous life. That is why i was so desperate to move back to England but i couldn't give up on my daughter.

Unfortunately under the terms of the divorce contract both parents must live within 10 minutes of each other!!!

[V8mate]

RDMcG said:

Additionally:
-cardio for 70 mins a day ,seven days a week,35 mins bike,35 mins elliptical.
-trainer for an additional one hour a day, four days a week. This is helping me build muscle and as such raises my metabolism. However in my view the only way to real weight loss is die.

Bit harsh?

[MYOB]

rosbif77 said:

Unfortunately under the terms of the divorce contract both parents must live within 10 minutes of each other!!!

I'm not au fait with divorce, especially in France but what on earth is this? How is this enforceable and what are the implications if one were to break this condition?

[rosbif77]

Getting divorced is never easy especially when your an expat and you fighting your corner completely on your own.
I won't go into specifics on here but after a period of attrition sometimes it pays to put your own children's wishes first.
I actually get to see my children more than the ex (50/50 custody) since i do the school run (2h daily) with them.

[anonymous-user]

rosbif77 said:

Getting divorced is never easy especially when your an expat and you fighting your corner completely on your own.
I won't go into specifics on here but after a period of attrition sometimes it pays to put your own children's wishes first.
I actually get to see my children more than the ex (50/50 custody) since i do the school run (2h daily) with them.

Which is priceless time and a huge positive

[RDMcG]

V8mate said:

Bit harsh?

Actually seems to have worked well enough, especially the training. I did not expect any crash results and gave myself a year. I am in month eleven. Waist from 46" to 38" and will end up at about 36" if I hit my target . At 6"2 1/2" that will be enough. A lot of the eating is now habit, and I do not stint if I go out to a restaurant, but that is not more than once a month now. My gym trainer is gradually raising all of the effort especially as I burn fewer calories with the weight loss, so more muscle is required to raise the metabolism. SO far, so good.

[rosbif77]

ELUSIVEJIM said:

rosbif77 said:

Getting divorced is never easy especially when your an expat and you fighting your corner completely on your own.
I won't go into specifics on here but after a period of attrition sometimes it pays to put your own children's wishes first.
I actually get to see my children more than the ex (50/50 custody) since i do the school run (2h daily) with them.

Which is priceless time and a huge positive

It certainly is priceless and whenever i'm with them i gives me a huge psychological boost. On the other hand coming back from dropping them off at the ex's on changeover day is terrible as each time i feel like i'm giving them up and losing them. It's almost like going from being on a high with a permanent adrenaline rush to having all sorts of negative thoughts flood in.

I then feel really down for the week ( or 2 during the long holidays) they're away, especially during the school holidays. I end up sleeping badly, snacking and having poor concentration. To counter this i try to 'fill up' the week with the maximum number of activities; cinema, gym, cycling, watching dvd box sets, walking in the forest etc but i still can't get rid off the nagging fear that one day i'm going to find myself on my own. It doesn't help that all these activities are local and therefore i get permanently reminded of the past.

My finances won't stretch to long weekends away or even visiting the multitude of art galleries/museums in Paris. During term time my days are filled with teaching/marking etc so i tend not to have the time to dwell on the loneliness.

I read somewhere that it takes anywhere from 18 months to 3 years to get over a divorce.

[anonymous-user]

rosbif77 said:

It certainly is priceless and whenever i'm with them i gives me a huge psychological boost. On the other hand coming back from dropping them off at the ex's on changeover day is terrible as each time i feel like i'm giving them up and losing them. It's almost like going from being on a high with a permanent adrenaline rush to having all sorts of negative thoughts flood in.

I then feel really down for the week ( or 2 during the long holidays) they're away, especially during the school holidays. I end up sleeping badly, snacking and having poor concentration. To counter this i try to 'fill up' the week with the maximum number of activities; cinema, gym, cycling, watching dvd box sets, walking in the forest etc but i still can't get rid off the nagging fear that one day i'm going to find myself on my own. It doesn't help that all these activities are local and therefore i get permanently reminded of the past.

My finances won't stretch to long weekends away or even visiting the multitude of art galleries/museums in Paris. During term time my days are filled with teaching/marking etc so i tend not to have the time to dwell on the loneliness.

I read somewhere that it takes anywhere from 18 months to 3 years to get over a divorce.

It sure does hurt when you were able to be in your kids lives daily and that is then taken away.

I know many who only get every second weekend which was the situation I was in and this is extremely hard.

Unfortunately many Courts feels the best place for a child is with there mother which is certainly not always the case.

Again you are doing great especially keeping busy during the times you do not have the kids. Yes you at times struggle but you are still making sure you limit these times.

There is no time scale for getting over a divorce. Some people can recover quickly while others never get over it. Just take each day as it comes and try and not be too bitter.

Bitterness or hate only causes pain for the person feeling it.

[rosbif77]

I 'm feeling v.pissed off again because the only friend i had left has decided he doesn't want any more contact with me.
He's a colleague in my ex's school and i've known him for the past 16 years. We babysitted for each other, i supported and helped him out a few years ago when he was suffering from extreme depression and financially broke.
He was the only person who kept in contact during and after the divorce. He never made any jugements and managed to ignore the pressure from all the (divorced) colleagues working in the ex's school.
Sadly he says can't put up with the constant snipping and pschyological pressure from 'colleagues' to stop socialising with me ( cycling/cinema etc).
Basically he told me since he doesn't want to leave the school it was a choice of dumping me as a friend or moving elsewhere!
That leaves me absolutely gutted and totally pissed off!!!

Edited by rosbif77 on Sunday 14th August 11:29

[anonymous-user]

rosbif77 said:

I 'm feeling v.pissed off again because the only friend i had left has decided he doesn't want any more contact with me.
He's a colleague in my ex's school and i've known him for the past 16 years. We babysitted for each other, i supported and helped him out a few years ago when he was suffering from extreme depression and financially broke.
He was the only person who kept in contact during and after the divorce. He never made any jugements and managed to ignore the pressure from all the (divorced) colleagues working in the ex's school.
Sadly he says can't put up with the constant snipping and pschyological pressure from 'colleagues' to stop socialising with me ( cycling/cinema etc).
Basically he told me since he doesn't want to leave the school it was a choice of dumping me as a friend or moving elsewhere!
That leaves me absolutely gutted and totally pissed off!!!

Edited by rosbif77 on Sunday 14th August 11:29

WOW. How petty is your ex's colleagues.

I am surprised at your "friends" actions. Yes people are snipping at him to stop socialising with you but if I was him I would always put a friend first. He should be putting them in their places stating it is none of their business who he wants to be friends with in or out of the school premises.

You were there for him in his darkest hours and he just lets you go.

Is that really a good friend?

If these are teachers looking after the next generation I hate to think where we will be.

Do you think your ex partner is telling malicious lies or something before she seems to have the whole school against you?

The issue as you know is you can't move away due to the stipulations of being able to see your children.

I can imagine how hurt you are. It is a very hard situation to get out of in your case.

Are there any road bike clubs in your area? Or perhaps in another town close?

It might sound strange to say this but perhaps it is a good thing the only person who has a connection to that past and the school no longer wants to be in your life. It could just be the final link between yourself and your ex and the life you had.

If this "friend" is prepared to let a good friend down perhaps he was discussing the conversations you two were having and feeding back information?

I know this sound daft but you would be surprised about some of the back stabbing that goes on.

Hope you are feeling a bit better since Sunday.

Again just drop a message if you need to talk

[rosbif77]

Hi ELUSIVEJIM. Yes, on one side i'm feeling better because i've just spent the week down in Clermont-Ferrand staying with my (ex) brother/sister in law. They happen to be the only in laws who've regularly kept in touch with me, offered me lots of excellent advice, and showed me lots of compassion.
I took my 2 children so they could also spend some time with their cousins. It's v.difficult emotionally for me to travel down to the Auvergne region as there are so many wonderful memories ( 23 years worth), but off course it's the ex's home area so that makes the journeys very hard.
The brother in law has just set up his own business and times are hard financially for his family so he can understand perfectly what i'm going through. I have a great relationship with him and his wife ( the ex's sister) and from a purely religious point of view were highly critical of the divorce ( very devout traditional French countryside family).

I need to make the break from my past physically as well as emotionally but i'm commited to my children and they both want me to stay as close as possible so that rules out any move for the time being.

I need to set myself some longer term financial and professional objectives. However, that is causing me endless sleepless nights as each possible path to them involves giving up on my children.

[dontfollowme]

RDMcG said:

V8mate said:

Bit harsh?

Actually seems to have worked well enough, especially the training. I did not expect any crash results and gave myself a year. I am in month eleven. Waist from 46" to 38" and will end up at about 36" if I hit my target . At 6"2 1/2" that will be enough. A lot of the eating is now habit, and I do not stint if I go out to a restaurant, but that is not more than once a month now. My gym trainer is gradually raising all of the effort especially as I burn fewer calories with the weight loss, so more muscle is required to raise the metabolism. SO far, so good.

Think this was in ref to the die/diet typo