Confused about an ex-girlfriend
Discussion
) ask her some of these questions.As one of the few females on this site I would say that she clearly still has very strong feelings for you and although you've hurt her she can't bring herself to end it with you and is hanging on in the hope that you can show that you've learnt from your mistakes. The nonsense spoken about hanging on to branches is just demeaning to the girl and unlikely. She really wants it to work out with you.
The one thing that concerns me is that you say that you "took it out on her". If you were violent towards her then I seriously say that you need to walk away and seek help. Keep away from her. Good luck.
The one thing that concerns me is that you say that you "took it out on her". If you were violent towards her then I seriously say that you need to walk away and seek help. Keep away from her. Good luck.
Rh14n said:
As one of the few females on this site I would say that she clearly still has very strong feelings for you and although you've hurt her she can't bring herself to end it with you and is hanging on in the hope that you can show that you've learnt from your mistakes. The nonsense spoken about hanging on to branches is just demeaning to the girl and unlikely. She really wants it to work out with you.
The one thing that concerns me is that you say that you "took it out on her". If you were violent towards her then I seriously say that you need to walk away and seek help. Keep away from her. Good luck.
Thanks for the response. I'd like to make one thing clear - I would NEVER raise a hand to a female no matter what they've done. Ever. I've done wrong and I'm man enough to admit that but it never went that far. I don't think I've actually raised my voice to her. I took it out on her by just being hard to live with. The one thing that concerns me is that you say that you "took it out on her". If you were violent towards her then I seriously say that you need to walk away and seek help. Keep away from her. Good luck.
I'm certain if she didn't want me in my life she would tell me. Also if she has no interest in trying again once things have calmed down she wouldn't keep saying stuff like "Not right now". I'm also guessing from a woman's perspective, spending every spare second with me and talking to me, asking me to stay over, telling me that I need to message her more throughout the day, being affectionate to an extent isn't someone looking for a way out?
Petrolhead95 said:
...Also if she has no interest in trying again once things have calmed down she wouldn't keep saying stuff like "Not right now". I'm also guessing from a woman's perspective, spending every spare second with me and talking to me, asking me to stay over, telling me that I need to message her more throughout the day, being affectionate to an extent isn't someone looking for a way out?
I'm inclined to agree but at the same time it's not very fair on you. You know you've behaved badly and you've apologised for it. You've suffered while you were ill and now you appear to be suffering because you were unhappy about being ill and didn't know how to deal with it.Advice given by people outside your relationship is never going to be perfect, especially when it comes from strangers on the internet, but it could be time to start thinking about where you see the both of you in say ten years' time. It's easy to believe, at the age of 21, that this is the most important relationship you'll ever have but if you made a clean break of it you may find you're ten times as happy with someone new a year from now
amancalledrob said:
I'm inclined to agree but at the same time it's not very fair on you. You know you've behaved badly and you've apologised for it. You've suffered while you were ill and now you appear to be suffering because you were unhappy about being ill and didn't know how to deal with it.
Advice given by people outside your relationship is never going to be perfect, especially when it comes from strangers on the internet, but it could be time to start thinking about where you see the both of you in say ten years' time. It's easy to believe, at the age of 21, that this is the most important relationship you'll ever have but if you made a clean break of it you may find you're ten times as happy with someone new a year from now
I see it as punishment for my behavior and that it's to be expected/deserved. Advice given by people outside your relationship is never going to be perfect, especially when it comes from strangers on the internet, but it could be time to start thinking about where you see the both of you in say ten years' time. It's easy to believe, at the age of 21, that this is the most important relationship you'll ever have but if you made a clean break of it you may find you're ten times as happy with someone new a year from now
I've thought about the future and I've never really clicked with someone like I have with her. Not just relationship stuff, but over the past 4 months we've spent almost every day and night together and we've not once got bored of each other which is quite hard to do when you're our age. Our hobbies and interests are all the same, we get on with each other's families etc etc. We both know that no matter what this outcome is that we will always be very close.
Petrolhead95 said:
amancalledrob said:
I'm inclined to agree but at the same time it's not very fair on you. You know you've behaved badly and you've apologised for it. You've suffered while you were ill and now you appear to be suffering because you were unhappy about being ill and didn't know how to deal with it.
Advice given by people outside your relationship is never going to be perfect, especially when it comes from strangers on the internet, but it could be time to start thinking about where you see the both of you in say ten years' time. It's easy to believe, at the age of 21, that this is the most important relationship you'll ever have but if you made a clean break of it you may find you're ten times as happy with someone new a year from now
I see it as punishment for my behavior and that it's to be expected/deserved. Advice given by people outside your relationship is never going to be perfect, especially when it comes from strangers on the internet, but it could be time to start thinking about where you see the both of you in say ten years' time. It's easy to believe, at the age of 21, that this is the most important relationship you'll ever have but if you made a clean break of it you may find you're ten times as happy with someone new a year from now
I've thought about the future and I've never really clicked with someone like I have with her. Not just relationship stuff, but over the past 4 months we've spent almost every day and night together and we've not once got bored of each other which is quite hard to do when you're our age. Our hobbies and interests are all the same, we get on with each other's families etc etc. We both know that no matter what this outcome is that we will always be very close.
Maybe look at the situation with that in mind.
Hainey said:
Friend, you don't punish people you love. You try and help them. I have been the hurt party before and my instinct wasn't to punish her, but to help her and I'm glad I did.
Maybe look at the situation with that in mind.
But maybe that's just how I view it. I can see it from her side as she's trying to make me realise my mistakes without her having to point them out while getting a bit of own back. She's not malicious towards me. She's still helping me out, making sure I take my meds on time, eat properly etc. Maybe look at the situation with that in mind.
Petrolhead95 said:
Hainey said:
Friend, you don't punish people you love. You try and help them. I have been the hurt party before and my instinct wasn't to punish her, but to help her and I'm glad I did.
Maybe look at the situation with that in mind.
But maybe that's just how I view it. I can see it from her side as she's trying to make me realise my mistakes without her having to point them out while getting a bit of own back. She's not malicious towards me. She's still helping me out, making sure I take my meds on time, eat properly etc. Maybe look at the situation with that in mind.
I hope you work this through.
Hainey said:
Only you can determine the situation and how you want it to progress. I wish you luck I really do as I relate having been a difficult and troubled person to be with in the past so I can see how it plays from both sides. When I was diagnosed with PTSD I didn't believe the diagnosis and thought I was perfectly normal. I wasn't, I was as mad as a badger on acid but no one could convince me of that and yet she stuck by me.
I hope you work this through.
Thanks for the responses, I have a bit more clarity now. Surprising how talking to strangers on forums can make you feel better!I hope you work this through.
utgjon said:
Communicate, communicate, communicate...
Have some proper conversations, and make it clear that what is said is what is meant - none of this second-guessing rubbish.
Talk about everything, and try to take some of the emotion and accusation out of it. Make sure you apologise for everything, and show that you've thought about how you were led down the path that you were.
Then you'll know where you stand - nobody on the internet will be able to tell you more accurately than your ex-girlfriend!
It will take a long time, but when you know where you stand and if you decide to stick with it, what you should get out of it is a stronger relationship than what you had before.
This.Have some proper conversations, and make it clear that what is said is what is meant - none of this second-guessing rubbish.
Talk about everything, and try to take some of the emotion and accusation out of it. Make sure you apologise for everything, and show that you've thought about how you were led down the path that you were.
Then you'll know where you stand - nobody on the internet will be able to tell you more accurately than your ex-girlfriend!
It will take a long time, but when you know where you stand and if you decide to stick with it, what you should get out of it is a stronger relationship than what you had before.
Sounds like she is keeping you on the hook. Have the above conversation and post up with the findings, bearing in mind she will be saying a lot of what you want to hear to keep you about.
One of my ex's did the same
We went on a break and she suddenly became more affectionate and wanted me where as before she was very indifferent.
Got back together. Was great for a month then the same s
t as before.She did the same to the next guy. She was an actual nutcase though.
Breaking up may seem like jumping off a cliff but the best way I can explain that is that it is like jumping off a 1000ft cliff
At 1000-500ft you are falling at maximum speed, thinking you are going to die.
500-300ft you start to slow down.
By the time you get to 6ft it's just like taking another step.... time heals.
I'm quite young, 25 at the moment, the above girl happened when I was 22/23 and let me tell you, you learn so much about yourself so quickly.
As mentioned above irrespective of what you've done wrong (within reason of course) you shouldn't be continually punished for it, or being "taught a lesson". You don't do that to people you love, you shouldn't hold grudges.
Edited by xjay1337 on Wednesday 30th November 11:08
xjay1337 said:
Breaking up may seem like jumping off a cliff but the best way I can explain that is that it is like jumping off a 1000ft cliff
At 1000-500ft you are falling at maximum speed, thinking you are going to die.
500-300ft you start to slow down.
By the time you get to 6ft it's just like taking another step.... time heals.
Just for safety's sake I have to remind all readers that the above is nothing like what happens when you jump off a cliff.At 1000-500ft you are falling at maximum speed, thinking you are going to die.
500-300ft you start to slow down.
By the time you get to 6ft it's just like taking another step.... time heals.
I'd feel partly responsible if I didn't underline that.
OK, firstly do yourself a favour and stop pandering and spending money on her. She finished with you and you're now playing a mugs game. Of course she will keep you sweet if you're buying her groceries, cooking cleaning and filling her car up every week.
It's called respect and it works both ways and she is not being fair on you.
Secondly. She finished it and has asked for some space. DO IT. If not for her sake, then for yours. You're not a puppy or a door mat. Get your head and health sorted, like you said, get back running or whatever it is you do. If she asks for you to come over / meet etc. then politely decline.
If she has any respect for you, she will honour this decision and continue to support you as a FRIEND, not a girlfriend or a friend with benefits. Just a friend.
To me, it sounds like she doesn't whole heartedly want you or know what she wants, but neither does she want anyone else to have you either and therefore is keeping you dangling. It may be that she feels pity / guilty in a way for you because of your health and is worried what a clean break may do?
Talk to her, tell her she isn't being fair to you and that the two week break would do you both good to clear your heads and think about what you both want. AND STICK TO IT. set a date for two weeks time and have a chat and re-assess your futures.
Good luck, keep us posted.
It's called respect and it works both ways and she is not being fair on you.
Secondly. She finished it and has asked for some space. DO IT. If not for her sake, then for yours. You're not a puppy or a door mat. Get your head and health sorted, like you said, get back running or whatever it is you do. If she asks for you to come over / meet etc. then politely decline.
If she has any respect for you, she will honour this decision and continue to support you as a FRIEND, not a girlfriend or a friend with benefits. Just a friend.
To me, it sounds like she doesn't whole heartedly want you or know what she wants, but neither does she want anyone else to have you either and therefore is keeping you dangling. It may be that she feels pity / guilty in a way for you because of your health and is worried what a clean break may do?
Talk to her, tell her she isn't being fair to you and that the two week break would do you both good to clear your heads and think about what you both want. AND STICK TO IT. set a date for two weeks time and have a chat and re-assess your futures.
Good luck, keep us posted.
Petrolhead95 said:
Had another argument; decided to have a week without contact to see if that helps. After that, another week. After that, I'm out of ideas.
Not enough.2 weeks.
ZERO contact.
Don't give her any money. Don't reply to her texts. Don't answer her calls.
After 2 weeks have a talk.
To be honest there's a lot of good advice on this thread, I honestly recommend you follow the general consensus. It does sound like she has you wrapped up somewhat and you are rather acting/being treated like the doormat.
Do not get stuck. Or you will end up "that guy" in 6 months.
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