Sex after having kids

[dai1983]

I work away sometimes but usually once a day when see each other so about 3 to 4 times a week. When we go away just us and no kids maybe two to three times a day over a weekend. I like longer sessions verses quickies though so would rather it once a day over more quickies.

Currently a week into my circumcision and can't wait to get back at it but am mega excited to be living with her for the next few weeks again even knowing I can't do anything but we will be intimate in other ways. Kisses and cuddles are out of this world for one.

I had a marriage where I'd get laid twice in a few days every two years. It carried on like this for 8 years until I had enough and left. Granted I probably wasnt fun to be around a lot of the time towards the end but I spent a lot of time unhappy hoping things would change.

This gave me issues as I stress about if I should try it on or not and if it's a no how will I feel and worry about no's getting more regular. She's also told me she stresses about saying no but normally we discuss it and I know it's usually a 'yes' unless either of us have a had a rubbish day. Also she comes to me half the time.

I have learned from previous mistakes and now find it easy to make my gf sexy and appreciated in other ways and her same with me. Sometimes do wonder wtf she's doing with me as she's awesome.

[CraigNewmarket]

dai1983 said:

I work away sometimes but usually once a day when see each other so about 3 to 4 times a week. When we go away just us and no kids maybe two to three times a day over a weekend. I like longer sessions verses quickies though so would rather it once a day over more quickies.

Currently a week into my circumcision and can't wait to get back at it but am mega excited to be living with her for the next few weeks again even knowing I can't do anything but we will be intimate in other ways. Kisses and cuddles are out of this world for one.

I had a marriage where I'd get laid twice in a few days every two years. It carried on like this for 8 years until I had enough and left. Granted I probably wasnt fun to be around a lot of the time towards the end but I spent a lot of time unhappy hoping things would change.

This gave me issues as I stress about if I should try it on or not and if it's a no how will I feel and worry about no's getting more regular. She's also told me she stresses about saying no but normally we discuss it and I know it's usually a 'yes' unless either of us have a had a rubbish day. Also she comes to me half the time.

I have learned from previous mistakes and now find it easy to make my gf sexy and appreciated in other ways and her same with me. Sometimes do wonder wtf she's doing with me as she's awesome.

How was it after you had kids?

I don't try it on anymore because it's pointless, we've been through the why do we have to have to plan it conversation and I said because we would never have it! We aren't intimate in other ways either and if we do it's always me initiating even just a quick kiss or cuddle

[Lincsls1]

dai1983 said:

Currently a week into my circumcision and can't wait to get back at it but am mega excited to be living with her for the next few weeks again even knowing I can't do anything but we will be intimate in other ways. Kisses and cuddles are out of this world for one.

May I ask the reasons why you've just been circumcised?

[dai1983]

CraigNewmarket said:

How was it after you had kids?

I don't try it on anymore because it's pointless, we've been through the why do we have to have to plan it conversation and I said because we would never have it! We aren't intimate in other ways either and if we do it's always me initiating even just a quick kiss or cuddle

Was quite busy pre pregnancy then she was quite bad with morning sickness, then c section and it never recovered ever unless for the two times she jumped on me every 2 years. For 4 years I was probably understanding and trying plus we had counselling it didn't changed. We drifted along like housemates for a while till I got fed up of living like that. Worst was when everyone was reading 50 shades including my ex and I hadn't had it for 18 months

I flicked through my girlfriend's brother in law's pregnancy dad book a few months ago. In there its mentioned you have to keep the small intimacy bits going to keep her feel sexy. It suggested small things like snogging her in the kitchen, in the shower or as you leave for work just because and just walking off, massage and gentle touching her non erogenous zones when you just hug etc. it's stuff I've subconsciously done with my gf since we got together and it's helped to keep things going. I appreciate that once it's gone it's hard to do that stuff without coming over as a pest.

Try just randomly

[dai1983]

Lincsls1 said:

May I ask the reasons why you've just been circumcised?

I had a frenuplasty for a tight banjo in 2009 which made it even tighter and like a scar so it was painful to retract past the glands. Always had a long foreskin and with my frenulum it was keen to slip back over my glans so I could stop feeling anything during sex. This was magnified with condoms which were also hard to put on due to skin bunching under the glans. The phimotic ring was a bit tight as well which could pinch halfway down the shaft or around the head. Never enjoyed blowjobs either due to the above

Too much info maybe ??

Edited by dai1983 on Thursday 23 November 20:17

[Austin_Metro]

dai1983 said:

I had a frenuplasty for a tight banjo in 2009 which made it even tighter and like a scar so it was painful to retract past the glands. Always had a long foreskin and with my frenulum it was keen to slip back over my glans so I could stop feeling anything during sex. This was magnified with condoms which were also hard to put on due to skin bunching under the glans. The phimotic ring was a bit tight as well which could pinch halfway down the shaft or around the head. Never enjoyed blowjobs either due to the above

Too much info maybe ??

Edited by dai1983 on Thursday 23 November 20:17

Probably. But gold all the same.

[CraigNewmarket]

dai1983 said:

Was quite busy pre pregnancy then she was quite bad with morning sickness, then c section and it never recovered ever unless for the two times she jumped on me every 2 years. For 4 years I was probably understanding and trying plus we had counselling it didn't changed. We drifted along like housemates for a while till I got fed up of living like that. Worst was when everyone was reading 50 shades including my ex and I hadn't had it for 18 months

I flicked through my girlfriend's brother in law's pregnancy dad book a few months ago. In there its mentioned you have to keep the small intimacy bits going to keep her feel sexy. It suggested small things like snogging her in the kitchen, in the shower or as you leave for work just because and just walking off, massage and gentle touching her non erogenous zones when you just hug etc. it's stuff I've subconsciously done with my gf since we got together and it's helped to keep things going. I appreciate that once it's gone it's hard to do that stuff without coming over as a pest.

Try just randomly

Yep she wanted to lose some weight after been pregnant (not that she's needs too) so I bought a peloton exercise bike for her and she's on that a few nights a week for the past few months. I read exercise can help your mental state so encouraged her, The only thing is it eats into our us time once the kids are in bed so we actually spend less time together just watching a program together. But its annoying when she's apparently too tired to for sex but happy enough to do a peloton class before bed.

I always cuddle her in bed and convinced her to go back to just wearing a tshirt and underwear in bed rather than full pyjamas so we have some skin to skin contact. She doesn't see it as a sex thing because it's not the planned night we have sex!

It's strange because after we have sex she get the after sex endorphins and we talk more after that any other time. I'm also conscious she's has only had her period back since September so her hormones are probably still getting back too normal pre pregnancy levels. Sorry if too much info!

[dai1983]

CraigNewmarket said:

Yep she wanted to lose some weight after been pregnant (not that she's needs too) so I bought a peloton exercise bike for her and she's on that a few nights a week for the past few months. I read exercise can help your mental state so encouraged her, The only thing is it eats into our us time once the kids are in bed so we actually spend less time together just watching a program together. But its annoying when she's apparently too tired to for sex but happy enough to do a peloton class before bed.

I always cuddle her in bed and convinced her to go back to just wearing a tshirt and underwear in bed rather than full pyjamas so we have some skin to skin contact. She doesn't see it as a sex thing because it's not the planned night we have sex!

It's strange because after we have sex she get the after sex endorphins and we talk more after that any other time. I'm also conscious she's has only had her period back since September so her hormones are probably still getting back too normal pre pregnancy levels. Sorry if too much info!

She's not on the pill or any anti depressants?

[CraigNewmarket]

dai1983 said:

She's not on the pill or any anti depressants?

She's on the pill but she's been on it most of her life

[QJumper]

CraigNewmarket said:

Think I read the saying on here that sex is 90% of a bad relationship and 10% of a good one. If it could have sex whenever I wanted it I say 3/4 times a week but i dont expect that. The funny thing is if we could have it on whatever day I wanted once a week I wouldn't crave it as much. It doesn't help we agree a day we are having sex then it's delayed a few days after that. its a huge stress relief for me and makes up for other parts of my life I don't like doing or enjoy. I've been in relationships before where the sex slowed down after a while and I just didn't enjoy been in the relationship anymore.

But this never happened with me and my current partner before we decided to have kids. We never argued about anything which is probably why I saw her as a stable partner and wanted kids with her in the first place.

It's not even about the physical act its more the emotional side of it, been rejected from someone you loves feels awful and makes you question everything about your future together.

I felt much closer too her at the time we got engaged than now.

I truly sympathise with you, I can't imagine how hard it must be (no pun intended).

Whilst sex is a fundamental part of a functioning relationship, putting pressure on someone who doesn't feel like it only makes them want it less. It's not just the pressure of being expected to do something you don't feel like, it also creates a feeling of guilt and failure, for which you'll be seen as the cause.

I know you don't mean to exert pressure, and I get that you feel rejected by the lack of intimacy, and that the instinctive reaction is to express those feelings, but it's counter productive to getting what you want. I'm also aware of how unfair it must feel, as you've done nothing wrong, are the one losing out, and yet can't express that because it makes it worse and makes you look like the bad guy. That's just the way it is though.

You're not at fault for having reasonable expectations, or for the origins of her reduced sex drive. Right now it's sex she's rejecting, not you, so you need to try not to take it personally. However, if you keep putting the pressure on by talking about it you'll not only make it worse, but will very quickly become the one that's blamed. It's like driving into a rut, it may not be your fault but, no matter how much you want to get out, keeping your foot on the gas only digs you in deeper. Like it or not, your only option is to back off at this point. Otherwise, if and when her sex drive returns, you possibly won't be the benificiary of it. It may well be that she's just as unhappy about the way things are, but right now you're in danger of being painted as part of the problem rather than part of the solution, and so you need to change that.

Personally I'd tell her that you've given it a lot of thought, and have realised that you've been a litte insensitive towards her feelings, which you can see is making things worse. Say that as much as you'd like sex, you only want it if she wants it just as much too, and are happy to leave it to her to initiate things if and when she feels ready. Reassure her that you've really thought about it, and genuinely mean that you're fine with it. After that, speak of it no more, don't try and initiate anything, just be nice and go about your life.

Be aware that she may well not believe you and might test you. So, if she initiates any intimacy but then pulls back, don't react, just let it go as if it doesn't bother you at all.

Given where things are now, if you want the relationship to continue and for things to improve, it looks like all you can do is take the pressure off completely and see if it makes any difference over the next few months. If nothing changes then you'll just have to reassess whether it's something you want to stick with.

Good luck.

[Lincsls1]

dai1983 said:

Too much info maybe ??

Edited by dai1983 on Thursday 23 November 20:17

Not at all.
Thank you for that explanation.

[halo34]

I just dont understand the link between feeling a "buzz" and living life in a way that relies on it so much that puts so much pressure on the act or the person. Sounds more like addiction than pleasure.

[redrabbit29]

King David said:

I think that can be a dangerous question to ask if you’re looking for reassurance because :
a. Everyone lies
b. Every relationship is different

We go through phases where it might be once or twice a week. Other time maybe a few months will pass with nothing.

There’s nothing sinister going on in the dry spells. We’re just normally focussed on other things.

Thanks m8 that is a very good point. We're very similar. It's been just over two months but like you, we often will go through different phases.

[rawenghey]

NFT said:

Well this thread is certainly enlightening,..

Was in public toiled other week, ghastly places, but fellow in cubical was talking to himself quite upset, "Why?, Why?, 23 years and now nothing, why, we have kids, we are well off, I've got promoted, I turned Stephany down, I told her no, I'm committed, ... Why, why nothing for me, I try start and its, NO, NO not now, NO, I've never said No, Now this.. Won't give head, won't kiss intimately, its pecks on the lips and nothing more, She's not cheating, she sits at home all day or in cafes... So why. Why the fk is she like this now???"

He came out, shocked I was there, I said, perhaps give Stephany a call mate. He said "Bloody right, she's 10 years younger and that selfish cow hasn't given me anything for six months, six fking months, I could have bought a supercar with what she's cost me, and I didn't even want kids.,"

So my question is, how does one negotiate continued intimacy post kids, or license to build a harem of sexual bliss elsewhere?

I bet this describes at least 75% of men

[samdy]

I cringe every time I open this thread.

OP is just a whiny needy third child, it's no wonder his missus won't sleep with him.

You can't negotiate desire. Either she's attracted to you or she's not. I think you know which way it is at the moment.

[redrabbit29]

samdy said:

I cringe every time I open this thread.

OP is just a whiny needy third child, it's no wonder his missus won't sleep with him.

You can't negotiate desire. Either she's attracted to you or she's not. I think you know which way it is at the moment.

Who pissed on your chips and made you want to act like an insensitive prick?

It never ceases to amaze me with this forum, that with hundreds of fantastically supportive, compassionate and patient individuals you get the odd one (like yourself) who feels intent to make someone else feel like utter sh*t.

Did you specifically want to make the OP feel a little worse? Did you see someone in need of a bit of guidance and advice and think, "I know, I'm going to call him whiny and imply his partner doesn't fancy him just to make him feel extra bad about it all".

Not only all of this, but you're analysis of the original post is also ridiculous. Either you're a thick grown up adult, with all the intellect of a dung beetle or you're a 15 year old who needs to stick to TikTok videos.

Sex and relationships are complicated areas, especially when you add in children, work, stress, emotions, etc. To say "either she's attracted to you or not" is the most asinine, overly simplistic and frankly stupid take I could imagine.

Anyway, if you do decide to check back here for further cringing, don't feel the need to reply - we've heard enough from you.

[Monkeylegend]

redrabbit29 said:

samdy said:

I cringe every time I open this thread.

OP is just a whiny needy third child, it's no wonder his missus won't sleep with him.

You can't negotiate desire. Either she's attracted to you or she's not. I think you know which way it is at the moment.

Who pissed on your chips and made you want to act like an insensitive prick?

It never ceases to amaze me with this forum, that with hundreds of fantastically supportive, compassionate and patient individuals you get the odd one (like yourself) who feels intent to make someone else feel like utter sh*t.

Did you specifically want to make the OP feel a little worse? Did you see someone in need of a bit of guidance and advice and think, "I know, I'm going to call him whiny and imply his partner doesn't fancy him just to make him feel extra bad about it all".

Not only all of this, but you're analysis of the original post is also ridiculous. Either you're a thick grown up adult, with all the intellect of a dung beetle or you're a 15 year old who needs to stick to TikTok videos.

Sex and relationships are complicated areas, especially when you add in children, work, stress, emotions, etc. To say "either she's attracted to you or not" is the most asinine, overly simplistic and frankly stupid take I could imagine.

Anyway, if you do decide to check back here for further cringing, don't feel the need to reply - we've heard enough from you.

Samdy does make a good point though, with probably more than a little truth.

And you haven't covered yourself in glory with a nasty personal attack like that just because you don't agree with another posters view

[QJumper]

samdy said:

I cringe every time I open this thread.

OP is just a whiny needy third child, it's no wonder his missus won't sleep with him.

You can't negotiate desire. Either she's attracted to you or she's not. I think you know which way it is at the moment.

Not really a very helpful way of putting things.

Yes, it's true that the way in which the OP is dealing with the situation isn't helping matters, but it's a pretty common way to react, by both men and women, when one partner suddenly loses interest in sex. I also assume he's aware that what he's doing isn't helping by coming on here and asking for help.

I mean, what are his options?

Do nothing and sit it out, hoping things will improve? Easier said than done, and who knows if and when that might work.
Express how he feels about it? Perfectly reasonable, but unfortunately puts presssure on the other party and probably makes things worse.
Threatens to leave if things don't change? As above, with the addition of coming across as bullying or coercive.
Withdraws from his end of the relationship? Again, not unreasonable, but likely to be accused of being petty and tit for tat.
Actually leave? Hard to do when you love someone, believe there's hope, and especially if you have kids.

The reality is that he's in a situation where something that was previously part of his relationship has been withdrawn. He doesn't appear to have done anything wrong, and yet anything he tries to do about it (short of just sucking it up), including expressing his feelings about it, results in him being made out to be the bad guy.

Society (women partcularly), are forever saying that men should be more expressive with their feelings and open about what they want, and yet when someone does they get called whiny and needy.

Probably the best he can do is have a frank conversation with her and ask her where she stands. Does she feel that this is a temporary thing, that she just needs a little time for, or has she lost feelings for him and the relationship is over. If the former then counselling might help, at least in as much as it might advise him how best to give her the required space and take the pressure off. If the latter then at least he can no longer be strung along, either by himself or her.

Edited by QJumper on Saturday 25th November 13:28

[ChocolateFrog]

samdy said:

I cringe every time I open this thread.

OP is just a whiny needy third child, it's no wonder his missus won't sleep with him.

You can't negotiate desire. Either she's attracted to you or she's not. I think you know which way it is at the moment.

That's bks, it's got fk all to do with attraction.

[Monkeylegend]

Well unless we get her side of the story, which we won't, we will never know.

Good that others are speaking on her behalf though and know that she is still attracted to the OP so that cannot be the issue