You need to put on loads of weight, especially round the arse, so they come out with less of a CRACK and more of a phhhhwwwwttthhhhhhsssthffllllhhhhrrrrrrsssssss.
It is a bit harder to work out when the fart stops and the solid matter starts though.
Surley a man of your means MBH could build an extension to your pile to give you a dedicated room for such activities. Soundproofed and air conditioned i'd suggest.
