Sex after having kids
Discussion
Muzzer79 said:
I mean this as constructively as possible, but it sounds like you have much, much bigger insecurity issues if a lack of intimacy leads you down this lack-of-confidence path.
If your confidence and self-worth is defined by how often your partner wants to have sex with you, seek therapy for yourself. Seriously.
Pretty much what I was going to say. It would definitely be worth speaking to a therapist, you seem to wrap up a lot of your self worth in how sexually attractive you are?If your confidence and self-worth is defined by how often your partner wants to have sex with you, seek therapy for yourself. Seriously.
CraigNewmarket said:
globaltraveller said:
Pieman68 said:
I think the main point of relevance there is the term "just shrugs"
I agree, it is the attitude of the OPs wife that alarmed me more than the situation.Both I and my wife had periods of low libido, but we apologise, get down the gym, take some supplements, go away for the weekend or whatever and it picks up again.
To just say “I don’t want it” is pretty cold.
I had similar after ours were born. In fact I'd be amazed if anyone didn't, to some degree. After a lot of talking things through and analysing everything we worked it out which I am extremely glad about.
I think as blokes, even appreciative, helpful and considerate blokes it's hard to comprehend just how much a new mother is putting into the first year or two of raising a child. You think you have sleepless nights, unpleasant nappy changes and exhausting play times but it is literally nothing by comparison. Her world is totally reorientated around that task to the exclusion of anything and everything else. She literally eats, sleeps and breathes new baby. You'll probably find older siblings feel somewhat excluded too. They are excluded, and so are you.
We made a conscious decision to work through that phase and rebuild again when time allowed. It was only around 2 years after the last birth that this really bore fruit, and even then it was not like we were. Kids remain tiring for years, and in your 40s you are not as energetic as you once were. Impulsive romps, wild sex sessions and elaborate fantasy role plays might have been part of it before and may yet be again, but they're just not in the picture right now. For the best reason possible.
IMO talk of ending the relationship is madness at this stage. You have jointly made a commitment that almost certainly will outlast you, and far outlast a dry spell while your wife (and you, hopefully) are doing everything humanly possible to give the new human being you created the best start possible in life. You're a family man now. Sex has achieved its purpose and is less of a priority. Get "reacquainted with yourself" so to speak when you get the opportunity and work on your sex life when your wife is good and ready.
I think as blokes, even appreciative, helpful and considerate blokes it's hard to comprehend just how much a new mother is putting into the first year or two of raising a child. You think you have sleepless nights, unpleasant nappy changes and exhausting play times but it is literally nothing by comparison. Her world is totally reorientated around that task to the exclusion of anything and everything else. She literally eats, sleeps and breathes new baby. You'll probably find older siblings feel somewhat excluded too. They are excluded, and so are you.
We made a conscious decision to work through that phase and rebuild again when time allowed. It was only around 2 years after the last birth that this really bore fruit, and even then it was not like we were. Kids remain tiring for years, and in your 40s you are not as energetic as you once were. Impulsive romps, wild sex sessions and elaborate fantasy role plays might have been part of it before and may yet be again, but they're just not in the picture right now. For the best reason possible.
IMO talk of ending the relationship is madness at this stage. You have jointly made a commitment that almost certainly will outlast you, and far outlast a dry spell while your wife (and you, hopefully) are doing everything humanly possible to give the new human being you created the best start possible in life. You're a family man now. Sex has achieved its purpose and is less of a priority. Get "reacquainted with yourself" so to speak when you get the opportunity and work on your sex life when your wife is good and ready.
As per PH style I've not read the thread but will offer some advice over my last 30 years of disastrous relationships.
In my experience there are only two reasons a woman that previously wanted to shag you doesnt is she's either knackered or she doesn't find you attractive anymore.
If you're not already I'd help out lots more and make sure your going to the gym, I mean they have to look at you and think I'd shag him don't they?
Of course it can be other things like she'd done her breeding and thinks that's her done but if her eyes are popping out over a certain film or pop star then it's not that and she just doesn't fancy you.
I sorted those two and have been in the best relationship of my life for a while now.
In my experience there are only two reasons a woman that previously wanted to shag you doesnt is she's either knackered or she doesn't find you attractive anymore.
If you're not already I'd help out lots more and make sure your going to the gym, I mean they have to look at you and think I'd shag him don't they?
Of course it can be other things like she'd done her breeding and thinks that's her done but if her eyes are popping out over a certain film or pop star then it's not that and she just doesn't fancy you.
I sorted those two and have been in the best relationship of my life for a while now.
Muzzer’s various replies seem very thoughtful and helpful.
Pestering your fiancé for sex is the very worst thing you can do.
In reality it’s not been that long since the birth of your second.
Other than hormones , there could well be medical or even “ over thinking “ going on from your fiancé.
Watching porn every day won’t make things any better for you either.
Try and found some neutral place to go for either a walk or a meal and just talk to her.
But don’t approach it from how upset you are at not getting sex.
Good luck.
Pestering your fiancé for sex is the very worst thing you can do.
In reality it’s not been that long since the birth of your second.
Other than hormones , there could well be medical or even “ over thinking “ going on from your fiancé.
Watching porn every day won’t make things any better for you either.
Try and found some neutral place to go for either a walk or a meal and just talk to her.
But don’t approach it from how upset you are at not getting sex.
Good luck.
Our kid is 4 and a terrible sleeper.
Mrs works
I work, sometimes away and long days
We are both knackered and the mrs does the majority of the parenting.
Sex is ad-hoc, I'd like more but I know she is knackered and also has huge body confidence issues.
What is working for us?
1- I'll give her a footrub most nights ensuring we keep the touch connection.
2- Date nights.
3- I'll put a candle on in the bedroom and give her a full body massage, not usually with a happy ending but I get to touch her naked body and feel close to her and she gets a nice massage to relax.
4 - I'll send her suggestive gifs, messages etc
5 - got a new sex toy, it's fun and we are going to expand our current collection
The key is do your fair share of help around the house and with the kids, it will come.
Try something new, if she was into sex look at a night in a sex themed hotel.
Take her shopping and stop to buy new lingerie, ask her to pick something she would feel sexy in.
Make it all about her.
If all that fails go for a thai massage and take an extra 20quid with you.
Mrs works
I work, sometimes away and long days
We are both knackered and the mrs does the majority of the parenting.
Sex is ad-hoc, I'd like more but I know she is knackered and also has huge body confidence issues.
What is working for us?
1- I'll give her a footrub most nights ensuring we keep the touch connection.
2- Date nights.
3- I'll put a candle on in the bedroom and give her a full body massage, not usually with a happy ending but I get to touch her naked body and feel close to her and she gets a nice massage to relax.
4 - I'll send her suggestive gifs, messages etc
5 - got a new sex toy, it's fun and we are going to expand our current collection
The key is do your fair share of help around the house and with the kids, it will come.
Try something new, if she was into sex look at a night in a sex themed hotel.
Take her shopping and stop to buy new lingerie, ask her to pick something she would feel sexy in.
Make it all about her.
If all that fails go for a thai massage and take an extra 20quid with you.
alscar said:
Muzzer’s various replies seem very thoughtful and helpful.
Pestering your fiancé for sex is the very worst thing you can do.
In reality it’s not been that long since the birth of your second.
Other than hormones , there could well be medical or even “ over thinking “ going on from your fiancé.
Watching porn every day won’t make things any better for you either.
Try and found some neutral place to go for either a walk or a meal and just talk to her.
But don’t approach it from how upset you are at not getting sex.
Good luck.
Thanks, she just completely shuts down whenever I try talk to her about it and doesn't give me any response. Pestering your fiancé for sex is the very worst thing you can do.
In reality it’s not been that long since the birth of your second.
Other than hormones , there could well be medical or even “ over thinking “ going on from your fiancé.
Watching porn every day won’t make things any better for you either.
Try and found some neutral place to go for either a walk or a meal and just talk to her.
But don’t approach it from how upset you are at not getting sex.
Good luck.
I really don't know what I would do if we actually had a wedding planned how could I go through with it if she doesn't make me happy. I knew things would tail off but not to absolutely nothing.
CraigNewmarket said:
Brummiebeau said:
OP, taking sex completely out of it.
What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?
I've brought this up before saying sex is the only thing we do together, when we have been on date nights which are infrequent shes flirty and smiley and its just like old times but it never progresses into anything. What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?
We have a hour to ourselves on the sofa every night once the kids are in bed this is normally spent watching a episode of something and then we go to bed.
She very really instigates a cuddle or kiss I'm talking months it's all from my side.
How infrequent are these date nights? I don't know your situation but are any grandparents accessible you can be honest with and say you'd like maybe 1 night a month of doing something ? It may be hard but make it completely not about sex . Do something fun, have a few drinks if that's your thing.
If you have tried talking about it and she isn't interested you need to do the opposite and see what happens.
CraigNewmarket said:
I really don't know what I would do if we actually had a wedding planned how could I go through with it if she doesn't make me happy. I knew things would tail off but not to absolutely nothing.
Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
Muzzer79 said:
CraigNewmarket said:
I really don't know what I would do if we actually had a wedding planned how could I go through with it if she doesn't make me happy. I knew things would tail off but not to absolutely nothing.
Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
That line really jumped out at me as well. I hope for your sake that's not the only thing in your relationship that makes you happy OP.
Muzzer79 said:
Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......
She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
CraigNewmarket said:
Muzzer79 said:
Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......
She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
She's talking about marriage. She's bought you a Christmas present, in August! She is still in this relationship but right now, you are not her priority. That might be hard to take but it's the truth and it's entirely usual. The bottom line is that you need to be a supportive partner for her and not a burden.
CraigNewmarket said:
It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.
Still focusing on yourself there. ;-)You knocked her up twice. She's now got a lot going on and is knackered.
Do as much as you can to make her life easier, without expectation, and I'm sure you'll eventually find she'll be in the mood.
Muzzer79 said:
CraigNewmarket said:
I'm sure she is tired of me asking when are we having sex as much as I'm tired of not having sex.
Having an adult toddler pulling at her skirt asking"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
Will not help. Quite the opposite in fact.
Would you want to have sex with her when she's only doing it for your benefit? I can think of nothing worse.
Park the testosterone for a while - Favourite Pronhub if you need to.
Support your wife.
CraigNewmarket said:
Muzzer79 said:
Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......
She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
I'm losing patience with your selfish viewpoint I'm afraid so I'm going to say it - Man up.
Stop thinking your entire relationship revolves around your sexual needs and whether or not they're fulfilled and concentrate instead on being a good father and partner.
Someone mentioned going to the gym earlier. Trust me, the above will make you far more attractive to your OH than pumping iron ever will.
MOMACC said:
Our kid is 4 and a terrible sleeper.
Mrs works
I work, sometimes away and long days
We are both knackered and the mrs does the majority of the parenting.
Sex is ad-hoc, I'd like more but I know she is knackered and also has huge body confidence issues.
What is working for us?
1- I'll give her a footrub most nights ensuring we keep the touch connection.
2- Date nights.
3- I'll put a candle on in the bedroom and give her a full body massage, not usually with a happy ending but I get to touch her naked body and feel close to her and she gets a nice massage to relax.
4 - I'll send her suggestive gifs, messages etc
5 - got a new sex toy, it's fun and we are going to expand our current collection
The key is do your fair share of help around the house and with the kids, it will come.
Try something new, if she was into sex look at a night in a sex themed hotel.
Take her shopping and stop to buy new lingerie, ask her to pick something she would feel sexy in.
Make it all about her.
.
None of this is going to get the OP laid. He's suggested sex multiple times, doing the above is just reinforcing the OP's unwelcome desires onto his wife. She'll see through this...Mrs works
I work, sometimes away and long days
We are both knackered and the mrs does the majority of the parenting.
Sex is ad-hoc, I'd like more but I know she is knackered and also has huge body confidence issues.
What is working for us?
1- I'll give her a footrub most nights ensuring we keep the touch connection.
2- Date nights.
3- I'll put a candle on in the bedroom and give her a full body massage, not usually with a happy ending but I get to touch her naked body and feel close to her and she gets a nice massage to relax.
4 - I'll send her suggestive gifs, messages etc
5 - got a new sex toy, it's fun and we are going to expand our current collection
The key is do your fair share of help around the house and with the kids, it will come.
Try something new, if she was into sex look at a night in a sex themed hotel.
Take her shopping and stop to buy new lingerie, ask her to pick something she would feel sexy in.
Make it all about her.
.
The line above might be a bit 'to the point' but I'm empathic to the OP. Part of a relationship is desire, to be & feel wanted. You can do everything else in the relationship and live as husband & wife, but if you FEEL undesired then it's a worm that eats into your soul.
OP is probably helping out loads and doing his fair share (has he said he hasn't? I've not noticed in the pages) so everyone saying he needs to help out more may be unwarranted.
We can all say the wife feels tired but it takes very little effort to give your partner just 5 or 10 mins. OP isn't saying he wants marathon sessions like the old days, but he would like her to just desire him.
If god exists then he laughs the moment a man gets a woman pregnant because in the modern world that man isn't needed any more. OP, despite some of the more patronising responses that you have received already there is a good chance nothing will change. Start thinking how you want to manage that.
Muzzer79 said:
CraigNewmarket said:
Muzzer79 said:
Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......
She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
I'm losing patience with your selfish viewpoint I'm afraid so I'm going to say it - Man up.
Stop thinking your entire relationship revolves around your sexual needs and whether or not they're fulfilled and concentrate instead on being a good father and partner.
Someone mentioned going to the gym earlier. Trust me, the above will make you far more attractive to your OH than pumping iron ever will.
He needs to realise hes no longer the centre of the Universe. Now paradoxically he could broad 'another child' as an avenue but this would be short signed in the main.
OP it will return, but you are being selfish (sorry). Start doing some of the 4am rises and give her a lie in or two during the weekend. You'll score (sorry) heavily on the brownie points, get to do some TV catchup and will have a very appreciative other half. Sex will then follow. if you are both not too tired.
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