Sex after having kids
Discussion
Fastchas said:
We can all say the wife feels tired but it takes very little effort to give your partner just 5 or 10 mins. OP isn't saying he wants marathon sessions like the old days, but he would like her to just desire him.
Just lay back and think of England, right?You can't force somebody to desire you. You can, however, try to make yourself desirable and you do that by small actions, each and every day, with no expectation of any particular outcome.
We get back to my previous point that you need to work on relationships; people change and - in particular when you have a family - priorities change. The OP and his wife right now have different priorities and the OP needs to accept that. If he puts in the effort, things will change and his wife will doubtless regain her libido over time. But as has been said, right now he needs to stop making it about him and stop making it about sex.
Sex lives change as these huge events occur, childbirth, menopause etc.
Don't expect things to be the same as they were 10 years ago, whilst you could probably enjoy your previous ways of intimacy for another 40 years things are different for women, depending on how you are both wired/suited things can be more intimate and fulfilling as the years go by to the point you begin to realise sex was wasted on you when you were young.
For the fair maidens penetrative sex can become uncomfortable as the years go by, but there's lots of alternative ways far more intimate and far more pleasurable mentally and physically for both of you, think read learn, every day is a schoolday as they say.
The relationship you had before children doesn't get worse it's just different.
Women want to be secure loved respected appreciated not necessarily in that order, and yes desired, maybe take a good look at yourself (not just looks as they don't usually improve but for example how kind are you to her), do you tell her every day that you love appreciate and respect her, do you take the odd orchid plant home, do you take on the grocery shopping so she doesn't have to lug that lot about?
Little things add up that show you think of her when you're at work, do you phone her in the day for a quick chat, sign off telling her you love her if you do.
When not at work are you down the pub or out with your mates on bikes instead of being her friend confidant lover?
Don't expect things to be the same as they were 10 years ago, whilst you could probably enjoy your previous ways of intimacy for another 40 years things are different for women, depending on how you are both wired/suited things can be more intimate and fulfilling as the years go by to the point you begin to realise sex was wasted on you when you were young.
For the fair maidens penetrative sex can become uncomfortable as the years go by, but there's lots of alternative ways far more intimate and far more pleasurable mentally and physically for both of you, think read learn, every day is a schoolday as they say.
The relationship you had before children doesn't get worse it's just different.
Women want to be secure loved respected appreciated not necessarily in that order, and yes desired, maybe take a good look at yourself (not just looks as they don't usually improve but for example how kind are you to her), do you tell her every day that you love appreciate and respect her, do you take the odd orchid plant home, do you take on the grocery shopping so she doesn't have to lug that lot about?
Little things add up that show you think of her when you're at work, do you phone her in the day for a quick chat, sign off telling her you love her if you do.
When not at work are you down the pub or out with your mates on bikes instead of being her friend confidant lover?
CraigNewmarket said:
I agree with all this, the first milestone was after she'd stopped breastfeeding see if things changed they didn't. Now the milestone is my sons first birthday have things changed no they haven't. I do love her I really do but how long do I give it.
It just makes me really insecure and I have lost all my confidence in everyday circumstances like at work.
If she said to me I know I don't feel like it now but I'm sure i will in the future I'd feel a lot better but she hasn't. All this insecurity makes me look for other signs like does she plan future plans for us does she talk about doing things to the house does she talk about our kids in the future.
I"ve lost so much confidence I even think twice if she says love you or not at the end of a phone call.
It’s completely normal. As you know raising 2 small kids is hard. I’m sure it’s not all on her and you do your fair share of taking them both out to give her a break it’s nackering. It just makes me really insecure and I have lost all my confidence in everyday circumstances like at work.
If she said to me I know I don't feel like it now but I'm sure i will in the future I'd feel a lot better but she hasn't. All this insecurity makes me look for other signs like does she plan future plans for us does she talk about doing things to the house does she talk about our kids in the future.
I"ve lost so much confidence I even think twice if she says love you or not at the end of a phone call.
How much effort are you putting in to make her feel special? You take the kids for a day yes? Do the night shifts? Encourage her to have nights out? Buy her flowers? Can you both go away for a weekend?
I found you have to put twice the effort in when working and raising kids it’s properly full on.
Hondashark said:
Half the people on this thread are telling you that if you work extra hard and treat her like a princess then she might, just might at some point in the future let you have sex with her.
f
k that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.
If you need your partners to "let you" have sex with them then you're doing something wrong.f
k that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.
Hondashark said:
Half the people on this thread are telling you that if you work extra hard and treat her like a princess then she might, just might at some point in the future let you have sex with her.
fk that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.
thems the rules man. There are other 'options' open to OP, but all likely to be very expensive in the long run. f
k that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.
You talk about sex but it sounds like much more than this. She can see you're hurting and she won't even have the conversation. Perhaps she is hurting too?
You don't need to sign up to a lifetime of unhappiness. It won't do anyone in your family any good.
Tell her you lover her and want to work things out, ask her if she will attend therapy with you. If she won't she doesn't love you.
You don't need to sign up to a lifetime of unhappiness. It won't do anyone in your family any good.
Tell her you lover her and want to work things out, ask her if she will attend therapy with you. If she won't she doesn't love you.
Similar article in today's Graun: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/...
Pamela Stephenson makes a living out of this stuff ferchrisakes yet the average PH poster's responses are mostly better.
Pamela Stephenson makes a living out of this stuff ferchrisakes yet the average PH poster's responses are mostly better.
PurpleTurtle said:
Similar article in today's Graun: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/...
Pamela Stephenson makes a living out of this stuff ferchrisakes yet the average PH poster's responses are mostly better.
I liked this one Pamela Stephenson makes a living out of this stuff ferchrisakes yet the average PH poster's responses are mostly better.
"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power." - Oscar Wilde
Very guardian comment. I'm not sure what it means, but it sounds like the kind of thing that might be true
Edited by lizardbrain on Tuesday 29th August 16:52
I find the gaslighting of the OP a bit odd; physical intimacy is clearly important in the relationship to him, critical even, as it is to many men. It's normal. If she doesn't want sex that's for her, but if he wants it, that's for him and if she won't talk it through with him then that's not a sign of a relationship working between them rather than him being individually at fault in some way.
There's probably a long list of things that could help, some of which have been mentioned, but if she's not interested in discussing it, that doesn't leave you many options.
With a 1 year old, I'd be hanging in there. But I can understand not wanting to wait in non-contact silence forever even if other people would be fine with that.
There's probably a long list of things that could help, some of which have been mentioned, but if she's not interested in discussing it, that doesn't leave you many options.
With a 1 year old, I'd be hanging in there. But I can understand not wanting to wait in non-contact silence forever even if other people would be fine with that.
Hondashark said:
Half the people on this thread are telling you that if you work extra hard and treat her like a princess then she might, just might at some point in the future let you have sex with her.
fk that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.
We've been through this before I said to her if I cleaned the house top to bottom would you want sex. Guess what the answer was f
k that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.CraigNewmarket said:
Hondashark said:
Half the people on this thread are telling you that if you work extra hard and treat her like a princess then she might, just might at some point in the future let you have sex with her.
fk that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.
We've been through this before I said to her if I cleaned the house top to bottom would you want sex. Guess what the answer was f
k that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff