Sex after having kids
Discussion
Hi All I need some advice.
I'm 42 my fiancee is 40, we have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and simply my fiancee isn't intrested in sex anymore or bothered that I want sex and its making me reconsider the whole relationship.
I just feel like she doesn't care about me at all and it getting to the point I'm thinking if she isn't putting effort into the relationship why should I.
Anytime I bring sex up she rolls her eyes, I feel like I need sex to keep my connection to her and honesty it gets me through the week and she's just pushing me away. I feel she doesn't care about me happy. When I said to her are you not bothered or feel sorry we don't have sex anymore she said no
It also makes me feel incredibly insecure which is not me at all.
What are other people experiences of having sex after kids?
I'm 42 my fiancee is 40, we have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and simply my fiancee isn't intrested in sex anymore or bothered that I want sex and its making me reconsider the whole relationship.
I just feel like she doesn't care about me at all and it getting to the point I'm thinking if she isn't putting effort into the relationship why should I.
Anytime I bring sex up she rolls her eyes, I feel like I need sex to keep my connection to her and honesty it gets me through the week and she's just pushing me away. I feel she doesn't care about me happy. When I said to her are you not bothered or feel sorry we don't have sex anymore she said no
It also makes me feel incredibly insecure which is not me at all.
What are other people experiences of having sex after kids?
GT3Manthey said:
Read this so many times .
If she has a downer on sex now prepare yourself for that not to change.
The situation effects me both daily and long term. For instance I've been saving up money to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage which ends next year but now im thinking i shouldn't and keep it as savings. Even though it makes no sense to have savings earning lower interest than mortgage payments. If she has a downer on sex now prepare yourself for that not to change.
The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?
She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.
sagarich said:
I have 2 boys, 7 & 4. Sex has been pretty much non existent since the birth of our youngest…
It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.
Thanks for your reply, for me it's mental as much a physical she claims she loves me etc then rejects me its hard to want to be with someone when it feel like they dont want you.It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.
I just feel why I should I put effort into our relationship if she's doesn't. How do you manage?
sagarich said:
I have 2 boys, 7 & 4. Sex has been pretty much non existent since the birth of our youngest…
It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.
Thanks for your reply, for me it's mental as much a physical she claims she loves me etc then rejects me its hard to want to be with someone when it feel like they dont want you.It’s not never, it’s just the infrequently. And it always seems like a chore for her. I’m sure I’m not alone, most Dads in my friendship group experience similar.
I just feel why I should I put effort into our relationship if she's doesn't. How do you manage?
Jamescrs said:
CraigNewmarket said:
The situation effects me both daily and long term. For instance I've been saving up money to pay off a big chunk of our mortgage which ends next year but now im thinking i shouldn't and keep it as savings. Even though it makes no sense to have savings earning lower interest than mortgage payments.
The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?
She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.
How long have you been together and how was the sex life before the children? Was it enjoyable for both of you or was it a means to an end for the purpose of procreating?
Have you looked after yourself and kept yourself in good shape since the children? Does she still find you attractive?
Is your wife overly tired from trying to deal with two preschool children?
Sometimes there are greater issues in the relationship and men don't realise until the sex tap is turned off.
The only thing I can think of is our boy has only just turned one and my fiancee hasn't got her monthly cycle back yet so it could be hormonal?
She's never said to me just be patient or give me more time just that I don't want sex.
How long have you been together and how was the sex life before the children? Was it enjoyable for both of you or was it a means to an end for the purpose of procreating?
Have you looked after yourself and kept yourself in good shape since the children? Does she still find you attractive?
Is your wife overly tired from trying to deal with two preschool children?
Sometimes there are greater issues in the relationship and men don't realise until the sex tap is turned off.
We were having sex while she breastfeeding but she just kept saying how painful it was for her so we stopped. She does have body confidence issues also since our boy was born.
She hasn't had a normal cycle yet and has changed her pill to see if this help things .
I'm sure she is tired of me asking when are we having sex as much as I'm tired of not having sex.
She still talks about planning our as yet unplanned wedding
OMITN said:
OP a genuine piece of advice: go and search for similar threads on Mumsnet.
There are threads on exactly this subject, almost all from the perspective of mothers. You should get a fresh perspective from women.
Being candid, it does seem that you - the person for whom there has been no physical or hormonal impacts from carrying, birthing and caring for children - are expecting things to be as they were for your benefit without considering what your wife needs or wants. This isn’t a black and white issue. Talk to her. But don’t pester her for sex - that’s about as big a turn off as it gets.
Thanks, sometimes I think is it me but I'm worried the longer it goes on the more likely it will never come back. You hear about loads of sexless relationships and honesty I couldn't be in one long term.There are threads on exactly this subject, almost all from the perspective of mothers. You should get a fresh perspective from women.
Being candid, it does seem that you - the person for whom there has been no physical or hormonal impacts from carrying, birthing and caring for children - are expecting things to be as they were for your benefit without considering what your wife needs or wants. This isn’t a black and white issue. Talk to her. But don’t pester her for sex - that’s about as big a turn off as it gets.
ZedLeg said:
I didn't want to be the one to say it but that. Have you sat down and had a conversation (not an argument) about this? Your wife has gone through huge mental and physical changes over the last 5 years, she may just need time and a little understanding rather than a horn dog.
Yep we have spoke about it, we never get to the arguement stage because she just shuts down and doesn't speak. It just ends in her saying I don't want sex and when I say but you want to have a sex life again don't you she just says I'm just not bothered for it.
Muzzer79 said:
Having an adult toddler pulling at her skirt asking
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
Will not help. Quite the opposite in fact.
Would you want to have sex with her when she's only doing it for your benefit? I can think of nothing worse.
Park the testosterone for a while - Favourite Pronhub if you need to.
Support your wife.
I do use pronhub daily, it's a emotional connection as much as physical."can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
"can we have sex yet?"
Will not help. Quite the opposite in fact.
Would you want to have sex with her when she's only doing it for your benefit? I can think of nothing worse.
Park the testosterone for a while - Favourite Pronhub if you need to.
Support your wife.
Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
ParkerTalbot said:
It's a big thing for blokes and it can have a big impact on us, but it's very common.
Agree with a lot of the posts above. Accept that as a bloke you'll never really understand just how enormous an effect hormones have in women. We get to about 18 and stay the same way virtually our whole lives. They change multiple times, from teens/puberty, then motherhood, then menopause. These are massive life changes, massive internal changes and can effect everything about them, from mood to self esteem, cause effects similar to depression, anxiety, erratic behaviour, loss of sex drive and everything in between.
I've been through similar to you after 2nd child, it then bounced back for many years and now we seem to be facing similar with early perimenopause. I almost cannot describe some of the things I've witnessed/heard from someone so close to me over the past year which then seemingly change with the flip of a coin. Quite scary and it's taken a while to understand it as neither of us had a clue what was going on.
Be supportive, be understanding, don't throw your toys out of the pram. A year or two is nothing in the grand scheme of things when you have two children and a previously solid bond.
I could cope with it if it wasn't making me so insecure about our relationship and our future. She found a Xmas present yesterday and I was thinking if we make it. Facebook memories is full of pics of me and her and when I see pics of 5 years ago it makes me think will I ever be as happy again.Agree with a lot of the posts above. Accept that as a bloke you'll never really understand just how enormous an effect hormones have in women. We get to about 18 and stay the same way virtually our whole lives. They change multiple times, from teens/puberty, then motherhood, then menopause. These are massive life changes, massive internal changes and can effect everything about them, from mood to self esteem, cause effects similar to depression, anxiety, erratic behaviour, loss of sex drive and everything in between.
I've been through similar to you after 2nd child, it then bounced back for many years and now we seem to be facing similar with early perimenopause. I almost cannot describe some of the things I've witnessed/heard from someone so close to me over the past year which then seemingly change with the flip of a coin. Quite scary and it's taken a while to understand it as neither of us had a clue what was going on.
Be supportive, be understanding, don't throw your toys out of the pram. A year or two is nothing in the grand scheme of things when you have two children and a previously solid bond.
Brainpox said:
Seen this topic a few times on here now. The OP is always “me me me” with no consideration for the other person
- I want sex but partner doesn’t
- I need sex otherwise I won’t continue the relationship
It’s no good asking “why don’t you want sex? I really need it” You need to drop the pressure altogether and ask her what has changed, what could you help with etc. would she be more comfortable with a lower level of intimacy. It’s an issue of communication first then working as a team to work towards sorting it.
She wonr discuss its simply I don't want to have sex. I said to her you like having orgasms don't you she said she's not bothered for it. - I want sex but partner doesn’t
- I need sex otherwise I won’t continue the relationship
It’s no good asking “why don’t you want sex? I really need it” You need to drop the pressure altogether and ask her what has changed, what could you help with etc. would she be more comfortable with a lower level of intimacy. It’s an issue of communication first then working as a team to work towards sorting it.
greygoose said:
CraigNewmarket said:
I do use pronhub daily, it's a emotional connection as much as physical.
Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
An emotional connection with pornhub sounds a bit bizarre to be honest, you have a partner and two young children, park your sex drive and create some happy photos with your family. Isnt a fiancé/wife the person you can rely on who cares about you and wants to be with you
Joey Deacon said:
I know lots of men who have literally not had sex since the second child was conceived. Part of me thinks you have done your job now and given her the children she wanted so you are not required on that front anymore.
If you attempt to instigate anything you no doubt get the excuses of being too tired/ill/stressed or her going to bed early and pretending to be asleep when you come up. We joke about birthday sex but effectively that is what will happen, it either being a treat or her just giving in when she can't put up with your begging anymore. Some men are just resigned to it eventually and stop even trying, there is a whole thread on Reddit called /deadbedrooms on this subject.
Then you get to the situation where you are basically housemates, either you accept your lot or eventually you will get divorced. In my experience once the youngest is at school full time the woman starts to think about what she wants out of life and a need to "find herself". After that it won't be long before you get the "I love you, i'm just not in love with you speech" and you will effectively be done.
And for all those men who are being told "I'm just not interested in sex", what she is really saying is she isn't interested in sex with you. Once they start going out with friends again and get on the dating apps they are 100% definitely interested in sex.
Once the intimacy is gone, it is very unlikely it is ever going to come back.
This is what im worried about the longer it goes on and makes me want to invest (emotionally and otherwise) in her and the relationship.If you attempt to instigate anything you no doubt get the excuses of being too tired/ill/stressed or her going to bed early and pretending to be asleep when you come up. We joke about birthday sex but effectively that is what will happen, it either being a treat or her just giving in when she can't put up with your begging anymore. Some men are just resigned to it eventually and stop even trying, there is a whole thread on Reddit called /deadbedrooms on this subject.
Then you get to the situation where you are basically housemates, either you accept your lot or eventually you will get divorced. In my experience once the youngest is at school full time the woman starts to think about what she wants out of life and a need to "find herself". After that it won't be long before you get the "I love you, i'm just not in love with you speech" and you will effectively be done.
And for all those men who are being told "I'm just not interested in sex", what she is really saying is she isn't interested in sex with you. Once they start going out with friends again and get on the dating apps they are 100% definitely interested in sex.
Once the intimacy is gone, it is very unlikely it is ever going to come back.
The longer it goes on the more insecure and needy for sex I get
Brummiebeau said:
OP, taking sex completely out of it.
What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?
I've brought this up before saying sex is the only thing we do together, when we have been on date nights which are infrequent shes flirty and smiley and its just like old times but it never progresses into anything. What do you do together just the 2 of you ?
do you get any ''date nights'' ? Any time away from the kids at all.
Do you get much support from grandparents? Even for just a meal and get away for a few hours to get some time together ?
What do you do on an evening after kids have gone to bed? What is the emotional connection between you both regardless of the no sex?
We have a hour to ourselves on the sofa every night once the kids are in bed this is normally spent watching a episode of something and then we go to bed.
She very really instigates a cuddle or kiss I'm talking months it's all from my side.
globaltraveller said:
Pieman68 said:
I think the main point of relevance there is the term "just shrugs"
I agree, it is the attitude of the OPs wife that alarmed me more than the situation.Both I and my wife had periods of low libido, but we apologise, get down the gym, take some supplements, go away for the weekend or whatever and it picks up again.
To just say “I don’t want it” is pretty cold.
Muzzer79 said:
globaltraveller said:
After my comment above I went back and read the thread.
I’m really surprised by the responses. Yes, give her time, talk to her, try to work through it together etc.
But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.
To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?
Christ almighty......do people really think like this?I’m really surprised by the responses. Yes, give her time, talk to her, try to work through it together etc.
But I personally think if a person, male or female, turns off the taps and just shrugs then they are breaking the promise and you are entitled to leave. It is the worst type of bait and switch.
To all of the modern men posting above, what if you try all of that softly-softly stuff and still don’t get anywhere? Would you be having sex once a year in your 40s and 50s?
The point with the OP is that this is relatively new and probably temporary. He needs to be patient and put effort in with his partner, not sit in the corner with his arms folded and a frown on because he can't get laid.
If this was years in and the OP had been intimate rarely during that time, that's a different situation and one which requires a different approach.
But to consider justified in leaving your wife because she's gone off sex for a bit after two recent kids is just..........shallow.
It just makes me really insecure and I have lost all my confidence in everyday circumstances like at work.
If she said to me I know I don't feel like it now but I'm sure i will in the future I'd feel a lot better but she hasn't. All this insecurity makes me look for other signs like does she plan future plans for us does she talk about doing things to the house does she talk about our kids in the future.
I"ve lost so much confidence I even think twice if she says love you or not at the end of a phone call.
alscar said:
Muzzer’s various replies seem very thoughtful and helpful.
Pestering your fiancé for sex is the very worst thing you can do.
In reality it’s not been that long since the birth of your second.
Other than hormones , there could well be medical or even “ over thinking “ going on from your fiancé.
Watching porn every day won’t make things any better for you either.
Try and found some neutral place to go for either a walk or a meal and just talk to her.
But don’t approach it from how upset you are at not getting sex.
Good luck.
Thanks, she just completely shuts down whenever I try talk to her about it and doesn't give me any response. Pestering your fiancé for sex is the very worst thing you can do.
In reality it’s not been that long since the birth of your second.
Other than hormones , there could well be medical or even “ over thinking “ going on from your fiancé.
Watching porn every day won’t make things any better for you either.
Try and found some neutral place to go for either a walk or a meal and just talk to her.
But don’t approach it from how upset you are at not getting sex.
Good luck.
I really don't know what I would do if we actually had a wedding planned how could I go through with it if she doesn't make me happy. I knew things would tail off but not to absolutely nothing.
Muzzer79 said:
Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......
She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.
Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.
Hondashark said:
Half the people on this thread are telling you that if you work extra hard and treat her like a princess then she might, just might at some point in the future let you have sex with her.
f
k that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.
We've been through this before I said to her if I cleaned the house top to bottom would you want sex. Guess what the answer was f
k that, if I wanted a good relationship with no sex I'd start living with my best mate.768 said:
I find the gaslighting of the OP a bit odd; physical intimacy is clearly important in the relationship to him, critical even, as it is to many men. It's normal. If she doesn't want sex that's for her, but if he wants it, that's for him and if she won't talk it through with him then that's not a sign of a relationship working between them rather than him being individually at fault in some way.
There's probably a long list of things that could help, some of which have been mentioned, but if she's not interested in discussing it, that doesn't leave you many options.
With a 1 year old, I'd be hanging in there. But I can understand not wanting to wait in non-contact silence forever even if other people would be fine with that.
She just says she not bothered for it end of discussion. There's probably a long list of things that could help, some of which have been mentioned, but if she's not interested in discussing it, that doesn't leave you many options.
With a 1 year old, I'd be hanging in there. But I can understand not wanting to wait in non-contact silence forever even if other people would be fine with that.
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