Haynes Manual - The truth!
Discussion
Found this a few years ago now, but was reminded of it today so dug it up and had another laugh, so though I would share......
We have all been there and done that.....
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly
with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't
you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing
now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and
that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think
three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38
last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone
use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of
bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before
chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some
congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since
it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy
some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order
to scratch head in perplexity.
Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo
the damage.
We have all been there and done that.....
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly
with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't
you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing
now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and
that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think
three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38
last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone
use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of
bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before
chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some
congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since
it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy
some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order
to scratch head in perplexity.
Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo
the damage.
Yeah, but it's not as bad as forum "how to" guides which led me to deceive myself that removing the inlet manifold and associated pipework from my M3 was actually a straightforward job, completely failing to mention numerous hidden hoses and the like and the likely result being skinned knuckles and breaking several trumpets.
I towed it to the garage and admitted defeat. I still have the small oil tattoos on the back of one hand which remind me to KNOW MY LIMITS!
I towed it to the garage and admitted defeat. I still have the small oil tattoos on the back of one hand which remind me to KNOW MY LIMITS!
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