A joke please...to help me out!!!!
Discussion
...//P//
There was a lady golfer, who had just completed lessons with the professional, and was just embarking on her first round of golf, waved off by the pro. Half an hour later, she returned in tears. Seeing her return, the pro asked her what had gone wrong, and the woman tearfully replied "I got stung by a bee!" "Where did that happen?" he enquired.
She replied, "Between the first and second hole"
"Ahh." replied the pro. "Then your stance is too wide"
Incorrigible said:
The Irishman read this post and said "FFS, it's SCOTSMAN and George Bush. Learn to spell.
Sean Connery then said "Pug Four or shishx, shtopp being shusch a sharccy fr"
OK look here for lots to make your mate smile
www.jokes.com/
Dave
nelson mandela is sitting at home one day when the door bell rings.
when he opens the door,there is a jap bloke in front of him with a lorry load of brake pads behind him.
waving the form in front of nelsons face he shouts "you sign,you sign"!
nelson looks bemused and tells him to go away as its clearly the wrong address.
next day and there is another knock at the door.
its the same jap bloke but with a lorry load of steering wheels.
"you sign,you sign" he says. so nelson,who is getting a bit angry just slams the door in his face!
another knock on the door the following day and its the same guy but with a load of gearsticks!
"you sign,you sign".
"now listen hear mate"says nelson,"i've had enough of this.you've got the wrong place.what does it say on your form?"
the guy turns to him and says"you not nissan main dealer?"
when he opens the door,there is a jap bloke in front of him with a lorry load of brake pads behind him.
waving the form in front of nelsons face he shouts "you sign,you sign"!
nelson looks bemused and tells him to go away as its clearly the wrong address.
next day and there is another knock at the door.
its the same jap bloke but with a lorry load of steering wheels.
"you sign,you sign" he says. so nelson,who is getting a bit angry just slams the door in his face!
another knock on the door the following day and its the same guy but with a load of gearsticks!
"you sign,you sign".
"now listen hear mate"says nelson,"i've had enough of this.you've got the wrong place.what does it say on your form?"
the guy turns to him and says"you not nissan main dealer?"
May have been done before:
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there - the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a driver!"
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there - the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a driver!"
Joke:
Two cows stood in a field.
One says to the other, "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other cow says "Of course not, I'm a sheep!"
Another joke:
Why is the space between a woman's hips and her breasts called a waste?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
True story:
A German production company is holding auditions for 'Porn Idol', a Pop Idol-style show where people have the chance to win a multi-film contract and work with the 'biggest' names in the business.
True car-related story:
When BMW owned Rover, they looked at the Spiritual concepts with a view to putting them into production as the new Mini. When the BMW bods saw the 4-door Spiritual 2 concept, they perked up and said "Hey, we could bring out the 2-door and call it the Mini, and make this and call it the Maxi! People would really go for that!" There followed a very uncomfortable explanation from the Rover guys as to why that would be a really really crap idea...
>> Edited by D-Angle on Wednesday 23 June 17:59
Two cows stood in a field.
One says to the other, "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other cow says "Of course not, I'm a sheep!"
Another joke:
Why is the space between a woman's hips and her breasts called a waste?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
True story:
A German production company is holding auditions for 'Porn Idol', a Pop Idol-style show where people have the chance to win a multi-film contract and work with the 'biggest' names in the business.
True car-related story:
When BMW owned Rover, they looked at the Spiritual concepts with a view to putting them into production as the new Mini. When the BMW bods saw the 4-door Spiritual 2 concept, they perked up and said "Hey, we could bring out the 2-door and call it the Mini, and make this and call it the Maxi! People would really go for that!" There followed a very uncomfortable explanation from the Rover guys as to why that would be a really really crap idea...
>> Edited by D-Angle on Wednesday 23 June 17:59
Old pal, sick of the pressure, went to Oz.....alone.
Lived in the middle of nowhere.
Six months later, knock at door. Big, hairy OZ standing there.
"G'day, m'name's Blue. I'm yer neighbour. Live up the road, fifty miles on the right hand side.
Havin' a party Saturday, thought you might like to come"
Old pal jumped at the chance. Feeling lonely and parched.
Hairy Oz responded "I ought to tell you, there's gonna be some heavy drinkin'"
That's Ok, old pal's parched.
"And I ought to tell you, there'll be some fightin'"
That's Ok, old pal's a good negotiator.
"And I thought I ought to tell you, there's gonna be some wiiild sex......"
"Great" replied old pal "I'm feeling bloody isolated here..........what should I wear......?"
"Wear?" asked the hairy great Oz
"Wear what the bloody hell y'like.......there's only gonna to be the two of us........."
Lived in the middle of nowhere.
Six months later, knock at door. Big, hairy OZ standing there.
"G'day, m'name's Blue. I'm yer neighbour. Live up the road, fifty miles on the right hand side.
Havin' a party Saturday, thought you might like to come"
Old pal jumped at the chance. Feeling lonely and parched.
Hairy Oz responded "I ought to tell you, there's gonna be some heavy drinkin'"
That's Ok, old pal's parched.
"And I ought to tell you, there'll be some fightin'"
That's Ok, old pal's a good negotiator.
"And I thought I ought to tell you, there's gonna be some wiiild sex......"
"Great" replied old pal "I'm feeling bloody isolated here..........what should I wear......?"
"Wear?" asked the hairy great Oz
"Wear what the bloody hell y'like.......there's only gonna to be the two of us........."
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