Need some really good divorce advice!
Discussion
MrTurtle said:
I'm a f
king idiot.
Went round tonight, walked in, found my wife on the sofa and she went ballistic. Screamed at me to get out, ran round to the neighbours and called the police. We then had a slanging match on the front lawn. I left, taking the front door key with me.
Phone call from the police and it's now on record. Think she's basically saying I've been physically abusive in the past and that she feared for her safety.
Call her later on, apologised for upsetting her but admitted I wanted a reaction. She has apparently recorded the call. Returned the key an hour later and I'm now sat here regretting the whole thing. Good mind to just sign the lot over and end this nightmare.
I give up.
Read my posts. I had 4 cop cars turn up they will because as soon as a women rings the cops for what ever reason they have to respond. When they get the facts there is nothing they can unless your a prat king idiot.Went round tonight, walked in, found my wife on the sofa and she went ballistic. Screamed at me to get out, ran round to the neighbours and called the police. We then had a slanging match on the front lawn. I left, taking the front door key with me.
Phone call from the police and it's now on record. Think she's basically saying I've been physically abusive in the past and that she feared for her safety.
Call her later on, apologised for upsetting her but admitted I wanted a reaction. She has apparently recorded the call. Returned the key an hour later and I'm now sat here regretting the whole thing. Good mind to just sign the lot over and end this nightmare.
I give up.
What did you think your wife would do greet you with open arms.
You have also distressed the kids.
Should you wish to go back home you can as you own the bloody property.
Its a game so if you contact her with a date that you want to move back in contact the police and tell them so they can assist. You may want to arrange sleeping arrangements. However If you want, you can sleep in the marital bed. She will accuse you of every offence going but as long as you conduct your self correctly the police will see through her lies.
Expect her to use the children to lie to the police as to what never happened.
I would not advise you to do the above if it is not something you wish to do but that is the power you have.
Edited by hunton69 on Wednesday 26th August 21:50
MrTurtle said:
I'm a fking idiot.
Went round tonight, walked in, found my wife on the sofa and she went ballistic. Screamed at me to get out, ran round to the neighbours and called the police. We then had a slanging match on the front lawn. I left, taking the front door key with me.
Phone call from the police and it's now on record. Think she's basically saying I've been physically abusive in the past and that she feared for her safety.
Call her later on, apologised for upsetting her but admitted I wanted a reaction. She has apparently recorded the call. Returned the key an hour later and I'm now sat here regretting the whole thing. Good mind to just sign the lot over and end this nightmare.
I give up.
What on earth did you apologise for? It is your fking idiot.Went round tonight, walked in, found my wife on the sofa and she went ballistic. Screamed at me to get out, ran round to the neighbours and called the police. We then had a slanging match on the front lawn. I left, taking the front door key with me.
Phone call from the police and it's now on record. Think she's basically saying I've been physically abusive in the past and that she feared for her safety.
Call her later on, apologised for upsetting her but admitted I wanted a reaction. She has apparently recorded the call. Returned the key an hour later and I'm now sat here regretting the whole thing. Good mind to just sign the lot over and end this nightmare.
I give up.
king house. If you have not been abusive you need to get some advice as your options here. You can't have people making false accusations like that with no response.
Get the police to attend next time you are there.
If she is a mental you should consider calling social services. She is in sole control of your kids and she sounds unhinged.
I second the above post
Just been talking to my wife who if you read my posts went through a bad time.
On one occasion her ex padlocked the bedroom door so she called the police and once they established that her name was on the mortgage don't understand why as they were still married watched her get an axe and smash the lock off as he would not remove it.
Remember the police are not judges they have to react to situations.
Do you ride a bike because if you do wear the helmet with the camera on the top to record what goes on when your around her
I feel your pain as I've been through this on both sides. Read, goggle and search on the net your rights as you do have them.
Just been talking to my wife who if you read my posts went through a bad time.
On one occasion her ex padlocked the bedroom door so she called the police and once they established that her name was on the mortgage don't understand why as they were still married watched her get an axe and smash the lock off as he would not remove it.
Remember the police are not judges they have to react to situations.
Do you ride a bike because if you do wear the helmet with the camera on the top to record what goes on when your around her
I feel your pain as I've been through this on both sides. Read, goggle and search on the net your rights as you do have them.
I recorded the whole thing on my phone. I simply walked in, said 'hello', she said 'you can't do this' I said I can. I then proceeded to ask where the documents were for the car.
She then started screaming at me to 'get out, get out, get out of my house!', I simply remained calm and said I wasn't being difficult and knew my rights.
She then started screaming at me to 'get out, get out, get out of my house!', I simply remained calm and said I wasn't being difficult and knew my rights.
Edited by MrTurtle on Wednesday 26th August 23:15
hunton69 said:
Should you wish to go back home you can as you own the bloody property.
I'm struggling with this view on this thread. Having known people go through this in the past, once things have broken down and the guy has left the house it has been almost impossible for them to exercise their rights of return. To the point that the police have intervened physically and it's all kicked off!There are a few posters here on this kinda subject that always say: 'never leave the house, if you do you're f
ked'.What is the actual legal standpoint?
jshell said:
hunton69 said:
Should you wish to go back home you can as you own the bloody property.
I'm struggling with this view on this thread. Having known people go through this in the past, once things have broken down and the guy has left the house it has been almost impossible for them to exercise their rights of return. To the point that the police have intervened physically and it's all kicked off!There are a few posters here on this kinda subject that always say: 'never leave the house, if you do you're f
ked'.What is the actual legal standpoint?
If two people can't share the same space to the point where one of them is screaming at the other to get out and calling the police to attend then it would seem prudent from a police point of view to separate them considering the risk involved in domestic incidents and the fact that they would get all the blame if they left them there and something did happen and the risk was identifiable. If one of the party's has moved out and left the home and returned then it would make the decision even easier. They may assist in helping you get some stuff from the house but if the live in resident refused to let that happen then they can't do anything about that and can't force entry or compliance. If you find the locks have been changed or can't get in for whatever reason then again, the police can't force entry or compliance. You should seek legal advice for that.
If both are living in the house and flatly refusing to leave but can't get along with each other then one will be asked to leave and it is not always the man who has to leave. The first concern will be the children's welfare (if there are any) and then it would be down to who would be inconvenienced less if there is no obvious aggressor. If both insist that they won't go and are within their rights to be there and that it should be the other one to go then the police will just have to make a decision for you. It's not a power trip but if two grown adults can't behave themselves and act accordingly then we have to.
If you are calling the police then you are effectively asking them to make a decision. We only get a tiny snapshot of your life and in domestic cases it's almost impossible to know where the truth lies as both will be claiming innocence and blaming the other and escalation into violence is all too easy and common as neither will want to give an inch to the other out of pure bitterness and hatred.
TheBear said:
jshell said:
hunton69 said:
Should you wish to go back home you can as you own the bloody property.
I'm struggling with this view on this thread. Having known people go through this in the past, once things have broken down and the guy has left the house it has been almost impossible for them to exercise their rights of return. To the point that the police have intervened physically and it's all kicked off!There are a few posters here on this kinda subject that always say: 'never leave the house, if you do you're f
ked'.What is the actual legal standpoint?
If two people can't share the same space to the point where one of them is screaming at the other to get out and calling the police to attend then it would seem prudent from a police point of view to separate them considering the risk involved in domestic incidents and the fact that they would get all the blame if they left them there and something did happen and the risk was identifiable. If one of the party's has moved out and left the home and returned then it would make the decision even easier. They may assist in helping you get some stuff from the house but if the live in resident refused to let that happen then they can't do anything about that and can't force entry or compliance. If you find the locks have been changed or can't get in for whatever reason then again, the police can't force entry or compliance. You should seek legal advice for that.
If both are living in the house and flatly refusing to leave but can't get along with each other then one will be asked to leave and it is not always the man who has to leave. The first concern will be the children's welfare (if there are any) and then it would be down to who would be inconvenienced less if there is no obvious aggressor. If both insist that they won't go and are within their rights to be there and that it should be the other one to go then the police will just have to make a decision for you. It's not a power trip but if two grown adults can't behave themselves and act accordingly then we have to.
If you are calling the police then you are effectively asking them to make a decision. We only get a tiny snapshot of your life and in domestic cases it's almost impossible to know where the truth lies as both will be claiming innocence and blaming the other and escalation into violence is all too easy and common as neither will want to give an inch to the other out of pure bitterness and hatred.
It's also what I've heard from those who've been through it, but with respect to the last sentence, my experience tends to be (that I've been told) the man is trying to act reasonable and the woman is shrieking like a banshee and claiming all sorts of physical and mental abuse at the hands of their previous 'love'. I suppose in many ways, and the term 'snapshot' was a good one, that a woman would take some level of precedence over the man's right of occupation where kids are involved.
OP you have my utmost sympathy. Been there, done that in very similar circs and got the mental scars and empty bank accounts to go with it.
Do not rise to her bile. Do not put *anything* online *anywhere* if there is even the remotest chance it can be traced back to you. They will find it, twist it, and use it against you. Keep a written record of *everything*.
If she's got a tenacious solicitor you'll be getting all sorts of legal letters instructing you you must do this or that or pay for this that and the other. Remember, they can't instruct you to do anything. Be strong and don't be bullied by the language used.
Finally if you don't have confidence in your legal representation sack them off quickly. A solicitor/barrister who makes you feel comfortable about what you're facing is worth their fee (almost) in my unfortunate experience.
It's a horrible horrible game, I wish you and your kids well.
Do not rise to her bile. Do not put *anything* online *anywhere* if there is even the remotest chance it can be traced back to you. They will find it, twist it, and use it against you. Keep a written record of *everything*.
If she's got a tenacious solicitor you'll be getting all sorts of legal letters instructing you you must do this or that or pay for this that and the other. Remember, they can't instruct you to do anything. Be strong and don't be bullied by the language used.
Finally if you don't have confidence in your legal representation sack them off quickly. A solicitor/barrister who makes you feel comfortable about what you're facing is worth their fee (almost) in my unfortunate experience.
It's a horrible horrible game, I wish you and your kids well.
Thanks everyone, It's nice to have support both through my family and even strangers online! (well, some strangers).
I'm considering handing the house over and keeping everything else. I'd be down around 50k compared to my ex but that's life I guess. Not holding out much hope though, I've a feeling she'll see this through to the end, both legally and financially.
I just want this over and to never see or hear from her again, nasty piece of work.
I'm considering handing the house over and keeping everything else. I'd be down around 50k compared to my ex but that's life I guess. Not holding out much hope though, I've a feeling she'll see this through to the end, both legally and financially.
I just want this over and to never see or hear from her again, nasty piece of work.
Stop acting on silly impulses. Right the now.
Draw up that list of marital assets and all the other stuff on the financial form. Figure out which bits you don't mind losing. Don't show that list to her. Show it to your solicitor, or the new one if that's better.
This woman is now in your life for the rest of it, for better or worse, so you need to find some way in your head of making your peace with that. If you don't it will show to people who know you. Like your kids. And they are the most important people right now, not you, not your missus. Everything is for them (including the maintenance), so wrap your attitude round that, grow the up, and deal with life as it is, rather than life as you would like it to be.
Money comes, money goes. With any luck, she'll get a dose from the next bloke, and you can giggle about that later
Not sure where in the country you are, but if you need a pint and a moan, shout out - there's be one of us bitter twisted sorts just round the corner who has the benefit of hindsight in their own lives.
now.Draw up that list of marital assets and all the other stuff on the financial form. Figure out which bits you don't mind losing. Don't show that list to her. Show it to your solicitor, or the new one if that's better.
This woman is now in your life for the rest of it, for better or worse, so you need to find some way in your head of making your peace with that. If you don't it will show to people who know you. Like your kids. And they are the most important people right now, not you, not your missus. Everything is for them (including the maintenance), so wrap your attitude round that, grow the
up, and deal with life as it is, rather than life as you would like it to be.Money comes, money goes. With any luck, she'll get a dose from the next bloke, and you can giggle about that later
Not sure where in the country you are, but if you need a pint and a moan, shout out - there's be one of us bitter twisted sorts just round the corner who has the benefit of hindsight in their own lives. +1
Excellent post. No impulse decisions. Anyone know the legalities in this situation surrounding withholding maintenance payments to the mother but opening up accounts for the sprogs in trusts whilst this is ongoing as OP has stated he may be seen as over generous? This way he can still prove he is doing maintenance etc but withhold the amount from other eyes?
Excellent post. No impulse decisions. Anyone know the legalities in this situation surrounding withholding maintenance payments to the mother but opening up accounts for the sprogs in trusts whilst this is ongoing as OP has stated he may be seen as over generous? This way he can still prove he is doing maintenance etc but withhold the amount from other eyes?
I was given two bits of advice when I split up with my ex wife
1) You will start off trying to be fair and do what seems right, eventually once lawyers are involved and particularly when the inevitable coven of other divorced women decide to "help" her "get her rights" the demands will become more outrageous and you will have to start using a word she probably isn't used to "NO".
The knives will come out, rather than waiting for that to happen stand firm now. As you will be paying for legal advice for both sides every time she wakes up in a blaze of glory and dreams up another demand letters at £50 a time will flow back and forth to the lawyers.........this gets really annoying really fast.
I had put her on the payroll at £2k per month; even though she had never been to the office, when I removed her she demanded a redundancy package!!
It will probably go against the grain but work on the basis of "please yourself then at least one person is happy" . Do change all your passwords to everything, make sure that if you are not living in the house that your name is removed from all the bills so your credit score will not be compromised if she misses payments. Make sure that all the things you used to administer are now down to her so give her written notice that she will have to sort out her own car insurance, tv licence, pet insurance, memberships etc and will have to pay them out of the allowance you give her, make sure you give her enough money that she can cover the essentials, optional luxury stuff like gym memberships, getting nails done etc are up to her.
Ask amongst your friends who have been divorced if any of them were given a really hard time by their ex spouses solicitor, find out who was against them and go and see them.
2) The other bit of advice (which I ignored) was to get a snip job, as inevitably you will end up with someone of breedable age, you may not want to go through the whole kids/nappies thing for a second time. I ignored this advice and at age 54 I have a child due at the end of the year which certainly wasn't part of my plan.
One thing to remember is that most ex wives are more interested in scoring points and portraying you in a bad light then actually getting on with their lives; they will use the word "fault" alot. Unless you have been doing something really hideous like beating her up or similar the court really isn't interested in the who did what when, for all they care you could have been shagging ferrets in the garden shed and it will make no difference to the financial outcome.
On the basis that communicating with her is now a problem there is no way she can be involved in your business anymore, get some proper legal advice an, ask the lawyer
My wife was on the payroll and shared the spoils equally with me, as she is no longer capable of communicating with me in a normal manner so can no longer work with me . I am going to go it alone and make a fresh start with a new Ltd Co, I will continue to provide her with enough ££ each month to pay the bills on the house and provide for the kids but I will be doing this as a single monthly payment, I want to list the outgoings she has that I am prepared to pay for and provide enough on top to cover the running costs of the kids. Please can you sort out a way of doing this will not look underhand in court.
Good Luck, eventually it will be over, kids are pretty good at sussing out who the bad guy really is. the person who uses them as a weapon always ends up looking bad. When she does the routine on the kids along the lines of "no we cannot go to XXXX because your father won't give me any money" they will see through it in the long run
1) You will start off trying to be fair and do what seems right, eventually once lawyers are involved and particularly when the inevitable coven of other divorced women decide to "help" her "get her rights" the demands will become more outrageous and you will have to start using a word she probably isn't used to "NO".
The knives will come out, rather than waiting for that to happen stand firm now. As you will be paying for legal advice for both sides every time she wakes up in a blaze of glory and dreams up another demand letters at £50 a time will flow back and forth to the lawyers.........this gets really annoying really fast.
I had put her on the payroll at £2k per month; even though she had never been to the office, when I removed her she demanded a redundancy package!!
It will probably go against the grain but work on the basis of "please yourself then at least one person is happy" . Do change all your passwords to everything, make sure that if you are not living in the house that your name is removed from all the bills so your credit score will not be compromised if she misses payments. Make sure that all the things you used to administer are now down to her so give her written notice that she will have to sort out her own car insurance, tv licence, pet insurance, memberships etc and will have to pay them out of the allowance you give her, make sure you give her enough money that she can cover the essentials, optional luxury stuff like gym memberships, getting nails done etc are up to her.
Ask amongst your friends who have been divorced if any of them were given a really hard time by their ex spouses solicitor, find out who was against them and go and see them.
2) The other bit of advice (which I ignored) was to get a snip job, as inevitably you will end up with someone of breedable age, you may not want to go through the whole kids/nappies thing for a second time. I ignored this advice and at age 54 I have a child due at the end of the year which certainly wasn't part of my plan.
One thing to remember is that most ex wives are more interested in scoring points and portraying you in a bad light then actually getting on with their lives; they will use the word "fault" alot. Unless you have been doing something really hideous like beating her up or similar the court really isn't interested in the who did what when, for all they care you could have been shagging ferrets in the garden shed and it will make no difference to the financial outcome.
On the basis that communicating with her is now a problem there is no way she can be involved in your business anymore, get some proper legal advice an, ask the lawyer
My wife was on the payroll and shared the spoils equally with me, as she is no longer capable of communicating with me in a normal manner so can no longer work with me . I am going to go it alone and make a fresh start with a new Ltd Co, I will continue to provide her with enough ££ each month to pay the bills on the house and provide for the kids but I will be doing this as a single monthly payment, I want to list the outgoings she has that I am prepared to pay for and provide enough on top to cover the running costs of the kids. Please can you sort out a way of doing this will not look underhand in court.
Good Luck, eventually it will be over, kids are pretty good at sussing out who the bad guy really is. the person who uses them as a weapon always ends up looking bad. When she does the routine on the kids along the lines of "no we cannot go to XXXX because your father won't give me any money" they will see through it in the long run
Well I paid for everything for 3 months until I realised I was getting nowhere. I cancelled all joint bank accounts, utilities, memberships etc. Since then I've paid child maintenance above the level required and kept up the mortgage payments.
I've also opened myself a new Ltd Co and will be resigning from my current company in September.
Just had an email from my solicitor and apparently the other side are rubbing their hands. My ex is now applying for an occupation order and asking me to foot the bill.
I've also learned that apart from half my business she wants the family house signing over and spousal maintenance. So not only does she want 100% of every asset we own she also want cash on top for her valuation of the business. A business that is basically just me on my own as a sole trader.
So that will see me with nothing and I get to work for the next ten years paying not only for her maintenance but also to pay of a large loan for the legal expenses and her lump sum. I'd be lucky to rent a 1 bedroom flat with whats left.
I've also opened myself a new Ltd Co and will be resigning from my current company in September.
Just had an email from my solicitor and apparently the other side are rubbing their hands. My ex is now applying for an occupation order and asking me to foot the bill.
I've also learned that apart from half my business she wants the family house signing over and spousal maintenance. So not only does she want 100% of every asset we own she also want cash on top for her valuation of the business. A business that is basically just me on my own as a sole trader.
So that will see me with nothing and I get to work for the next ten years paying not only for her maintenance but also to pay of a large loan for the legal expenses and her lump sum. I'd be lucky to rent a 1 bedroom flat with whats left.
Edited by MrTurtle on Thursday 27th August 16:53
MrTurtle said:
Just had an email from my solicitor and apparently the other side are rubbing their hands. My ex is now applying for an occupation order and asking me to foot the bill.
Told ya ....As to finances, just because she wants doesn't mean she will get. They do believe 100% they are entitled to it though.
randlemarcus said:
Stop acting on silly impulses. Right the now.
Draw up that list of marital assets and all the other stuff on the financial form. Figure out which bits you don't mind losing. Don't show that list to her. Show it to your solicitor, or the new one if that's better.
This woman is now in your life for the rest of it, for better or worse, so you need to find some way in your head of making your peace with that. If you don't it will show to people who know you. Like your kids. And they are the most important people right now, not you, not your missus. Everything is for them (including the maintenance), so wrap your attitude round that, grow the up, and deal with life as it is, rather than life as you would like it to be.
Money comes, money goes. With any luck, she'll get a dose from the next bloke, and you can giggle about that later Not sure where in the country you are, but if you need a pint and a moan, shout out - there's be one of us bitter twisted sorts just round the corner who has the benefit of hindsight in their own lives.
Sorry - but that is just b now.Draw up that list of marital assets and all the other stuff on the financial form. Figure out which bits you don't mind losing. Don't show that list to her. Show it to your solicitor, or the new one if that's better.
This woman is now in your life for the rest of it, for better or worse, so you need to find some way in your head of making your peace with that. If you don't it will show to people who know you. Like your kids. And they are the most important people right now, not you, not your missus. Everything is for them (including the maintenance), so wrap your attitude round that, grow the
up, and deal with life as it is, rather than life as you would like it to be.Money comes, money goes. With any luck, she'll get a dose from the next bloke, and you can giggle about that later
Not sure where in the country you are, but if you need a pint and a moan, shout out - there's be one of us bitter twisted sorts just round the corner who has the benefit of hindsight in their own lives. ks. The OP is of no use to his kids unless he is happy. Kids are resilient and need a bit of reassurance. They don't their dad living in a bedsit with no self respect or dignity so they can have new trainers and playstations.Draw up the assets, contact the police to voice your concerns about the stories and accusations this woman will make up, notify her that you will be requiring access on reasonable notice to the house etc etc. Just calmly assert your rights.
She can ask for whatever she likes; what the court will award may be very different.
If you haven't already look at the attached - applying for an occupation order could back fire on her rather spectacularly.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/re...
If you haven't already look at the attached - applying for an occupation order could back fire on her rather spectacularly.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/re...
MrTurtle said:
Well I paid for everything for 3 months until I realised I was getting nowhere. I cancelled all joint bank accounts, utilities, memberships etc. Since then I've paid child maintenance above the level required and kept up the mortgage payments.
I've also opened myself a new Ltd Co and will be resigning from my current company in September.
Just had an email from my solicitor and apparently the other side are rubbing their hands. My ex is now applying for an occupation order and asking me to foot the bill.
I've also learned that apart from half my business she wants the family house signing over and spousal maintenance. So not only does she want 100% of every asset we own she also want cash on top for her valuation of the business. A business that is basically just me on my own as a sole trader.
So that will see me with nothing and I get to work for the next ten years paying not only for her maintenance but also to pay of a large loan for the legal expenses and her lump sum. I'd be lucky to rent a 1 bedroom flat with whats left.
She will require some evidence for an occupation order. That will be interesting. I've also opened myself a new Ltd Co and will be resigning from my current company in September.
Just had an email from my solicitor and apparently the other side are rubbing their hands. My ex is now applying for an occupation order and asking me to foot the bill.
I've also learned that apart from half my business she wants the family house signing over and spousal maintenance. So not only does she want 100% of every asset we own she also want cash on top for her valuation of the business. A business that is basically just me on my own as a sole trader.
So that will see me with nothing and I get to work for the next ten years paying not only for her maintenance but also to pay of a large loan for the legal expenses and her lump sum. I'd be lucky to rent a 1 bedroom flat with whats left.
Edited by MrTurtle on Thursday 27th August 16:53
DON'T BE A DOORMAT is all I will add. You get no medals for being nice. Look after #1 (you) so that you can look after your kids.
ClaphamGT3 said:
She can ask for whatever she likes; what the court will award may be very different.
If you haven't already look at the attached - applying for an occupation order could back fire on her rather spectacularly.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/re...
VERY interesting, I may apply myself.If you haven't already look at the attached - applying for an occupation order could back fire on her rather spectacularly.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/re...
From the word go I ask to be allowed access for the odd weekend so I could stay over with the kids. This was when she said 'no, this is my house now', changed the locks and used my request as evidence of abuse.
johnfm said:
She will require some evidence for an occupation order. That will be interesting.
DON'T BE A DOORMAT is all I will add. You get no medals for being nice. Look after #1 (you) so that you can look after your kids.
How? Feel like I hold no cards and whatever I try and do I just seem to dig a bigger hole. Asserting myself just plays into her argument of emotional abuse.DON'T BE A DOORMAT is all I will add. You get no medals for being nice. Look after #1 (you) so that you can look after your kids.
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