Need some really good divorce advice!

Need some really good divorce advice!

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MrTurtle

Original Poster:

27 posts

104 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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Long term Pistonheader looking for some advice re my ongoing divorce.

I can't use my real username as I suspect my wife monitors my posts on here.

This has been dragging on for nearly a year and I'm in danger of loosing everything I've worked for over the last 25 years.

She's being unreasonable, nasty, spiteful and is basically out to punish me as much as she can. This is starting to make me ill and my three kids are also suffering. I just want to get on with my life and forget all about her tbh.

To summarise: -

Split September 2014
I moved out
I've continued to pay the mortgage on the family home
Also paid child maintenance (overpaid tbh)
Wife refuses to discuss finances and I've finally had to take her to court.
She's aiming to take the family home, half my business and is also asking for spousal maintenance.

Just had the first court appearance and I think my solicitor hasn't got a clue!

I really need some decent advice as to what to do next or I'm screwed.

Thanks in advance.


randlemarcus

13,507 posts

230 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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Frank talk with your solicitor, tell them you are unimpressed. If you see an attitude adjustment, carry on with them. If not, ask them who they wouldnt want on the other side, and if that's not the your ex's solicitor, go and see them. This is one of those times you get what you pay for.

GT03ROB

13,207 posts

220 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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I was gonna drop you a mail but seems you are not accepting.

Depending where you are there is a practice that a few people I know have used in a variety of different cases, including ones similar to yours, and they have been very satisfied with the results. They are based in Maidenhead, but do cover the country.

UpTheIron

3,992 posts

267 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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What is she punishing you for? Your language makes it sound like you are the guilty party... might have a bearing?

hunton69

659 posts

136 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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Not sure your going to get good advice on an open forum.

I was told by my lawyer when I moved out not to pay to much regarding the mortgage and maintenance as it will appear to the judge that you can afford that amount.

You really must avoid spousal maintenance.
Lawyers don't always get it right.
and ex' sometimes use the children as a weapon against you as that is the only power they sometimes have over you.

My self and my now wife have been through it so seen it from both sides its very pain full and good luck

johnfm

13,668 posts

249 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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And change all your passwords on your emails etc.

My wife's friend was logging into her ex's emails during the divorce negotitations - where he was emailing his mum about where he'd stashed various assets, bank accounts, offshore funds etc.

He was confused as to how her lawyer knew where all his stuff was hidden!


MrTurtle

Original Poster:

27 posts

104 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
Now accepting email.

No fault here. Had a few issues to deal with from some st in my childhood which was a bit traumatic for me through 2014 (only discovered at the start of 2014). Ended up getting accused of being emotionally abusive (had to look that up TBH). She made things very difficult for me through 2014, I had to leave for my own sanity. Initial agreement for me moving out was for a six month break, as soon as I was gone she informed me she wanted a divorce.

I tried to reason with her with regard to me seeing the kids, I requested the odd weekend with them in the family house but was told 'NO, it's my house now'. She later used this request as evidence of abuse in her divorce petition (which ran to two A4 sheets listing each and every fault over the last 18 years). She also accused me of domestic violence in the petition.

It then became impossible to visit my kids in their home, she would stand at the doorway and she would refuse entry, she then changed the locks.

I've tried to do the right thing for the past year. Paid the mortgage for fear of being blacklisted, paid more child maintenance that I should have done. Continued to pay for her phone, kids pocket money etc.

I'm currently renting a 2 bed flat, don't go out, don't drink, don't smoke, mainly just work. I don't spend a thing on myself tbh.

I tried to get her to discuss finance and how to amicably settle things so that we could both move forward with our lives but she refused to engage. I suggested mediation and went to a session on my own. The mediator then phone my wife to invite her along to discuss matters but she refused. I'm now going down the court route but have become dismayed by the whole thing.

Despite spending thousands on solicitors, accountants reports etc I'm now in a position where she's requested a valuation on my business to which she is claiming half. The valuation costs 5k alone.

All of my family simply cannot believe how she's behaving after we've been together all this time.

It was hard enough dealing with my issues from childhood but now I'm in a position where I'm broke, will probably loose every asset I own and will have to continue to pay to support her whilst she accepts money off myself and the state to live. She's well educated btw having 2 degrees (one of which she recently acquired, guess who paid for that).

Can't tell you how difficult this is, I can understand why people end it all.

Durzel

12,232 posts

167 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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Hell hath no fury indeed.

Can't offer any advice that would be of use suffice as to say that I hope you end up with some decent representation. Your wife sounds like she wants the moon on a stick.

If you haven't already you need to unemotionally document the chain of events as above, if nothing else so that the details aren't lost.

photosnob

1,339 posts

117 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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1. Stop being silly about ending anything. i've never been divorced but have been pretty low. In my shortish life (not yet 30) I've gone from having a Porshe and a Range Rover at what point, to then being homeless and now being mediocre in every respect. You are going to be fine. It's just rubbish for a bit. Trust me.

2. It's a house. It's a business. Worst case scenario you will lose it. I lost a lot. I don't want to go into the details but you will get through it. It's only money.

3. Your wife will need a home for your kids. Stop thinking about the money and see the bigger picture. She is unlikely to get 100% of everything. It's all a negotiating game. She keeps the house, you keep the business.

4. If you think your solicitor is crap you are doing the right thing in getting a new one.

5. If I were you I'd down tools take some time off and sod off for a few months. The business will be there when you come back. You can go to the Doctors and get him/her to sign you off (trust me). Go somewhere cheap and work out who you are. It sounds hippyish but it will make you happier.

6. Don't give a stuff about being blacklisted. You have spent your whole life worrying about this stuff and it's done you no good. Your wife probably wants a decent credit rating as much as you do. If you can't pay her she will have to move to plan B.

Basically you are playing a game which is making you unhappy. Change the game and how you look at things. If I were you I'd seriously book a flight and go somewhere.

Durzel

12,232 posts

167 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
Some sage advice above ^

I'd be careful about cutting off financial support before you've come to a conclusion, it could reflect poorly I would think bearing in mind there are children involved.

It sounds like you've been saintly so far which - hopefully - should be taken into consideration (why would a domestic abuser keep up mortgage, utility and phone repayments?). Then again you'd expect the courts to look at things unemotionally - whoever gets custody we need a roof over their heads.

IANAL though so don't take any of the above as qualified advice.

TooMany2cvs

29,008 posts

125 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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MrTurtle said:
...two A4 sheets listing each and every fault over the last 18 years
What are you, some kind of saint?

TWO A4 SHEETS? Each and EVERY fault in eighteen years...?

Jesus wept. Is that all?

MrTurtle

Original Poster:

27 posts

104 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
TooMany2cvs said:
What are you, some kind of saint?

TWO A4 SHEETS? Each and EVERY fault in eighteen years...?

Jesus wept. Is that all?
Trust me, that was just her top 1%

Thanks for all the advice. Would love to take time off work but being the sole employee (sole trader trading as Ltd) I'd loose all my customers.

My business was started before I met my wife, she's never been involved in the business but still insists on a wage and half the dividend even though we split up last year! I've worked it out and with all she's requesting I'd have nothing left to live on, nuts!

hunton69

659 posts

136 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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The main principle that the judges work to is that your kids need a house to live in and that the state does not pay for them.
So depending on the children's ages the judge will expect the mother to go to work. The fact your wife has 2 degrees will support that case.
Business are difficult to value as many small business are dependant on the owner. In my experience Judges don't mess with the business as that is the hand that feeds.
It's only natural that you will feel low at this time but be positive and you will get through this.

Your kids happiness is now your priority.

photosnob

1,339 posts

117 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
MrTurtle said:
Trust me, that was just her top 1%

Thanks for all the advice. Would love to take time off work but being the sole employee (sole trader trading as Ltd) I'd loose all my customers.

My business was started before I met my wife, she's never been involved in the business but still insists on a wage and half the dividend even though we split up last year! I've worked it out and with all she's requesting I'd have nothing left to live on, nuts!
What do you do? I'm not being nosey. I've ran a couple of businesses. I still get calls every week where people have searched for my number (different numbers now) to ask if I can still do things. People don't generally forget you if you go away for a bit.

She has been involved... She raised your kids allowing you to run and develop the business. She cooked your dinners, and cleaned your home. That is what they will say even if she didn't. Without her you wouldn't have been able to run the business. Don't get bitter or upset about that. It's just how it is.

She won't get all she is requesting if you will have nothing. It doesn't work like that. They still have to leave you with a quality of life. They don't leave men destitute working to live in a bedsit. Stop being so negative and realise it's all going to happen anyway - getting upset isn't going to change that.

For a start I'd pay the mortgage and then what you can afford (at least child maintenance). If you can't afford to do that then don't. The world won't end. You won't die.

I'd also look at closing down your Ltd Company. Most customers do not care if they deal with ABC Ltd or ABCD Ltd. You are in a stronger position than most. You will be self employed. If she get's half the business you can close it down... What assets does it have other than the customers? I'm not telling you to do this... Just realise that you are not in that weak a position. In reality she has a house with a mortgage she probably can't afford to pay. If you stop working no court in the world can make you pay it.

So what can she really ask for? A business which without you is worthless, and a house which is owned by a mortgage company. Lucky her... You still have the skills to open a new business, and you don't have kids to look after day to day.

randlemarcus

13,507 posts

230 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
MrTurtle said:
Trust me, that was just her top 1%

Thanks for all the advice. Would love to take time off work but being the sole employee (sole trader trading as Ltd) I'd loose all my customers.

My business was started before I met my wife, she's never been involved in the business but still insists on a wage and half the dividend even though we split up last year! I've worked it out and with all she's requesting I'd have nothing left to live on, nuts!
It would be a dreadful shame if all of your customers deserted you because of the public humiliation of a divorce, preferring instead the fine upstanding Mr Turtle Ltd, who might start up quite soon, wouldn't it?

Right, in no particular order of importance, carry on paying the mortgage, as you say, no point killing your credit rating. Child support, work it out from your wage, and reduce to that. Wage, NOT dividend - two very different things. In theory, you should subtract the mortgage payment from that, but no point being spiteful (yet). Kids phones, carry on, her phone, nope, sorry. If in contract, consider paying the balance off, and transferring the number to a PayG, and handing that to her. Passwords changed, thankyou, and monitor access for a bit.

Her position is, as said above a negotiating position, it will probably end up as >50 <75% of the house, some of the business (which is possibly fragile right now, especially as a one man band), child support in line with CSA guidelines or whatever they call themselves this week, and no spousal maintenance. She's going to fight tooth and nail (on whose tab, by the way, as she wont have Legal Aid unless she has managed to persuade them that you were actually abusive. Get your solicitor to fight this bit. SHe might think again if she actually has to pay the bill.

And start doing stuff for you. If that's having a great time with the kids when access is done via the courts, brilliant. If that's going to the gym, great. I'd avoid coke and hookers until the court bit is over though wink

MrTurtle

Original Poster:

27 posts

104 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
randlemarcus said:
Child support, work it out from your wage, and reduce to that. Wage, NOT dividend - two very different things.
Hmmm... that's interesting. thought it was based on total income?

My old business which was 50/50 owned (I only put her name on the books in 2013 so she could gain access to my business accounts, invoices etc should I fall under a bus) is stopping trading next month. New business now up and running.

The value is zero according to my accountant. There is no stock, no premises, just me working on site. If I leave the business it's worthless and she knows this. Why call for a 5k valuation? she's just rolling the dice and expects me to pick up the 5k bill.

photosnob

1,339 posts

117 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
She can ask for a valuation and you can say no. A letter from you accountant will probably be enough for a court. If not the court will order a valuation. Just because her solicitor asks doens't mean you have to do anything.

MrTurtle

Original Poster:

27 posts

104 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
quotequote all
photosnob said:
A letter from you accountant will probably be enough for a court.
It wasn't. They argued against it (accountant taking my side etc) so the judge allowed it. Why my solicitor didn't speak up and say she only went on the business 2 years ago, paid nothing for it, never works and has never worked for it etc, I don't know?

I didn't say anything as it was my first time in court and you really don't know what you can and can't say. Will speak up for myself at the next hearing.

Oh and I forgot to mention. Picked two of my kids up on Monday morning to take them out for the day. Whilst I was waiting I popped the garage door open to get a couple of things out and my wife appears at the door. Ordered to get off her property and if I didn't she's call the police. I ignored her and carried on doing what I was doing, she laughed and said 'okay then, you leave me no choice'. She then goes inside and in front of my 11 year old son calls the police. My son then appears at the door and we leave.

The more I type the more I can't believe what I'm typing!

Edited by MrTurtle on Tuesday 25th August 21:40

9mm

3,128 posts

209 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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Op - you need to spend the time you're posting on here talking to a solicitor instead.

davepoth

29,395 posts

198 months

Tuesday 25th August 2015
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What sort of assets are in the business aside from goodwill?