Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[anonymous-user]

All the best with the court case. It's highly stressful, but keep focus. I think I've mentioned before that I've ended up with sole custody. That's probably not what you're going for, but its achievable.

Keep us updated

[AndrewCrown]

theboss said:

Update to the thread... first I want to say I re-read this whole thread recently over a bottle of wine and was just bowled over by the responses, many of which I think i could hardly take in at the time when everything was happening. I am truly grateful. I received a lot of PM too and I am equally grateful for them.

Today was the day when the ex stood on my doorstep sobbing and begging to be taken back. I never thought it would happen let alone within 6 months. It seems the wheels have come off her new relationship. I have a date for my first court hearing in respct of the children and am proceeding with the divorce. Its been a bewildering six months but time is definitely helping.

I have also struck up a great friendship with the ex of the affair partner and am colluding with her on our respective divorce and financial proceedings.

Boss...good to hear your update....Bloody hell....I bet that was a difficult bloody doorstep chat....did the kids see it?
How did you feel about it?

Expect severe turbulence.... She'll now be in survival mode.....'
Resist any vengeance ... Be seen to be doing the right thing ...with your kids...hold steady

[theboss]

I was shocked as I have spent 6 months processing the fact that my relationship ended without closure in the sense that there has been no communication between us nor any shred of emotion from her until now. The day before she had encountered my mother at the school and publically broke down crying on her shoulder (after making the SS allegation about her barely 2 months ago) so we knew something had suddenly changed.

The children have reported her being very upset in her home and constantly stressed. If it looks like her new relationship is failing already I will be deeply concerned about yet another big shock for the kids and this may be the point at which instead of going for shared custody I insist they come and live with me. The ex could end up back with her parents - she appears to have no independent means of supporting herself or the kids.

She also appears to have entered an income disguising/splitting arrangement for this chap as she incorporated a limited co which is clearly a vehicle for his business activities - he has shut down his former company and is declaring nil income to the maintenance service / CSA. So she is embroiled in his financial affairs too.

Whilst I have no intention to take her back I felt sorry for her and consider it heartbreaking that this whole sordid endeavour was all for nothing.

[anonymous-user]

Do not let your sympathy become anything more than fleeting.

[WaferThinHam]

theboss said:

I was shocked as I have spent 6 months processing the fact that my relationship ended without closure in the sense that there has been no communication between us nor any shred of emotion from her until now. The day before she had encountered my mother at the school and publically broke down crying on her shoulder (after making the SS allegation about her barely 2 months ago) so we knew something had suddenly changed.

The children have reported her being very upset in her home and constantly stressed. If it looks like her new relationship is failing already I will be deeply concerned about yet another big shock for the kids and this may be the point at which instead of going for shared custody I insist they come and live with me. The ex could end up back with her parents - she appears to have no independent means of supporting herself or the kids.

She also appears to have entered an income disguising/splitting arrangement for this chap as she incorporated a limited co which is clearly a vehicle for his business activities - he has shut down his former company and is declaring nil income to the maintenance service / CSA. So she is embroiled in his financial affairs too.

Whilst I have no intention to take her back I felt sorry for her and consider it heartbreaking that this whole sordid endeavour was all for nothing.

She's made her bed now.

I would do what you need to do for the children, and leave her to it. What she does now is her choice. My guess is that this isn't the first time she'll try and get you to take her back.

[cossy400]

What an update OP. Keep doing what you have been as such to steady the kids ship, they need to see as little as possible in terms of the stresses etc.


6 months thou,

Lets hope the rest goes smoothly for you now and you can move on.

You mentioned the other blokes woman? has he been in contact with her tryin to get her back?

[theboss]

It sounds as though he approached her recently "wanting to talk". He has not seen his kids in 6 months because I laid bare the extent of their long term affair to his wife (including grubby "sexting" pics taken in their family home and sent to my wife) despite their every attempt to cover tracks. Consequently his teenage daughters have disowned him. He is now facing financial proceedings on which he potwntially faces losing his share of the family home because he has made every effort to avoid maintaining his family in any way - his wife has had to adapt from a long term homemaker role to being self sufficient. The guy has lost it all, frankly.

Its like watching a slow motion car crash but with my own kids in the picture - if there is the slightest hint of domestic abuse or real risk to them I will ensure they remain in my care.

[InitialDave]

theboss said:

Whilst I have no intention to take her back I felt sorry for her and consider it heartbreaking that this whole sordid endeavour was all for nothing.

That's completely understandable, you (hopefully) wouldn't have married her and had kids if you didn't care about her, and that's not just going to switch off, even with what she's done.

But you seem to have your head striaght, so carry on as you are and keep listening to people's advice in this thread like;

bmw535i said:

Do not let your sympathy become anything more than fleeting.

WaferThinHam said:

She's made her bed now.

I would do what you need to do for the children, and leave her to it. What she does now is her choice. My guess is that this isn't the first time she'll try and get you to take her back.

[Skyrat]

OP, I'm really glad things are working out for you. It seems you're still planning on going through with the divorce, which IMHO is probably a good thing.

I'm particularly delighted that your relationship with your kids is healthy, as that would be the most important thing in my book.

All the best.

[Pete317]

In the words of Robert Palmer, "your mind's not your own"

Seems she's just discovered that the hard way.

[voyds9]

theboss said:

She also appears to have entered an income disguising/splitting arrangement for this chap as she incorporated a limited co which is clearly a vehicle for his business activities - he has shut down his former company and is declaring nil income to the maintenance service / CSA. So she is embroiled in his financial affairs too.

But that will count as income for her in your settlement/support (assuming it shows a profit)

[Martyboy84]

Hi 5 matey, wish you all the best!

[esxste]

theboss said:

consider it heartbreaking that this whole sordid endeavour was all for nothing.

Her happiness is probably the last thing on your list of priorities right now, but the fact you consider it heartbreaking that this is the outcome from all the stress, emotion and treachery is quite something.


I think this says so much about you as a person.

I hope all ends well for you and your kids.

[GC8]

dudleybloke said:

Like a boss!!!!!

[DonkeyApple]

All the best. Just be careful that now she has no replacement lifestyle that her fear doesn't turn into mighty vengeance. Every chance that she will go through a phase of trying to rationalise her situation as coming about through you sabotaging her new life etc. Keep dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

[prand]

DonkeyApple said:

All the best. Just be careful that now she has no replacement lifestyle that her fear doesn't turn into mighty vengeance. Every chance that she will go through a phase of trying to rationalise her situation as coming about through you sabotaging her new life etc. Keep dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

I am thinking this too. In some respects, the Ex turning up on the doorstep was the worst possible news, as it means her plans for future comfort and security have all gone to pot, the kids will have further disruption, the OP won't get a clean break for the time being as she will be fighting like a cat in a bag to get herself in a nice warm safe place again (and specifically "her" as it doesn't seem like anyone else has mattered in this situation).

As someone above mentions, this is now survival mode for her, so unless your ex realises her actions have created this whole situation (it may well calm down when she is forced to move back to Mum & Dad, how delighted will they feel?!), and she decides to work on a compromise, then expect even worse behaviour.

You are doing great OP. It's heartening you are staying strong in the face of adversity, though I feel there is more required. And that you have (it appears, even while working in the background with the Other wife) retained the moral high ground. All I hope is that the courts and officials see through your wife's statements and situation, and you end up with what you want out of this separation.

Edited by prand on Tuesday 25th October 10:21

[Thurbs]

dudleybloke said:

Like a boss!!!!!

+1

[theboss]

Thanks for the support. Its been the hardest few days in a long time. I had her in my kitchen for an hour yesterday when dropping the kids off and we talked about a lot of things, the past and the future. I am dubious of her motive because it seems to be a statement of "I know I've fked it all up and feel guilty all of a sudden now things are getting tough" rather than any real remorse. She claims she is desperate to avoid the children's court proceedings because of costs so I suggested we amicably work to reach an agreement which can be formalised at first hearing, but that I need the order for the sake of certainty. I certainly can't trust her.

She also has a tax bill so needed help with her self-assessment figures (relating to income from 'our' joint business last year) so I gave her all she needed, pointing out that the substatial pension contribution I made for her just weeks before she left, when I still thought we would retire together, would reduce the bill substantially. I was probably more helpful than I had to be.

Her income arrangement with him is going to land her in hot water - she plainly knows nothing of the legal implications of income splitting between non-married partners and the fact she has aligned her affairs with his leading up to financial proceedings for both parties is just pure madness. His attempts to disguise his income will not go down well with the court I'm sure. I'm assisting the other wife in every way I can because I want her to get an optimal deal and I want to ensure the bloke loses everything just as I feel I have.

I do have a feeling that my own wife seems very naive and in some ways vulnerable, she obviously made her bed and all that, but I am more angry at the guy for persisting with a seedy affair with a married woman who was clearly emotionally weak and needy. He expected to continue to get away with it indefinitely with no regard for the frankly inevitable fallout for both families. They both seem personality disordered to me - totally self absorbed.

I have my kids all week so I jolly well hope she misses them.

Seeing and interacting with her face to face has felt like opening up a nearly healed wound - a big jolt to the system and its left me feeling deeply unsettled whereas I was previously feeling secure.

Edited by theboss on Tuesday 25th October 12:23

[chippy348]

Stay strong and please please don't fall for her again !! Women know how to turn it on to get what they want, be very careful not to go backwards with this, you have done so well so far and been very strong.

[Rick101]

Don't even let her in the house. This is the start of her manipulating her way back in.

Do you think if you had done the same you would be welcome in her kitchen for a chat?