Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

I need advice very quickly and I know PH can deliver. My marriage is breaking down and we agreed to separate a week ago. The history is complicated but for some time I have suspected and even accused her of cheating which she has always denied. It's now come to light with irrefutable evidence that she has been in an affair for possibly 2 years and is actively setting up a new home with the guy (who is also married). They are nearly ready to make the move - she is waiting for the right moment and has suggested she will remove 'what she can' from the house when I am not here to have a say about anything.

Ordinarily I would just leave with any obvious valuables I wished to safeguard, but 6 weeks ago I suffered a rare spinal cord disorder which has left me with impaired mobility and continence. I can't really live out of a suitcase.

There are three children 7, 11 and 15 living here. She intends to take our daughters (the younger two) but has stated that her son, my step-son, wants to carry on staying with me. Wouldn't want a teenager getting in the way of the new man and all that...

My original plan on gathering evidence of the affair was to sit it out and try and pre-empt her move, thwarting any attempt to do it behind my back, maybe do a bit of an Adenauer and then post on PH for applause, however I now have a feeling she is wanting to drag this out for a few more weeks and I'm sat here having not eaten for 4 days, hardly slept and in despair frankly to the point of feeling suicidal. My recent health setback has already had an impact on my mental stability so this is driving me over the edge.

She has told me she is going out for lunch (meaning she is meeting him, probably at their new house), I have a GPS equipped device in the car as I know from her messages she doesn't intend to reveal the location straight away, and I also have the guys wife contactable via Facebook if I want to create a scene for them potentially.

Really what I need to know is, am I within my rights to just lock her out of the house. She has already arranged her alternative accommodation, the kids can always stay here with me alone, or alternatively accommodation is also available locally with my in laws. Our home is rented and the tenancy is in both names. I am the sole income provider if that means anything.

I regret wanting to cause a 'scene' for the kids but I don't have the strength to continue facing her or having a fight, I'm partially disabled and can't really just live away from home, and there is a real risk she might turn the place over if I do.

This could all be happening between now and this afternoon so any advice is welcome. I am waiting for a matrimonial lawyer to call me also.

No advice on money needed - there are no substantial funds in any account that she can access or not.

Edited by theboss on Friday 6th May 08:00

Edited by theboss on Friday 6th May 11:38

[worsy]

theboss said:

I need advice very quickly and I know PH can deliver. My marriage is breaking down and we agreed to separate a week ago. The history is complicated but for some time I have suspected and even accused her of cheating which she has always denied. It's now come to light with irrefutable evidence that she has been in an affair for possibly 2 years and is actively setting up a new home with the guy (who is also married). They are nearly ready to make the move - she is waiting for the right moment and some of her messages (which I am covertly monitoring) have suggested she will remove 'what she can' from the house when I am not here to have a say about anything.

Ordinarily I would just leave with any obvious valuables I wished to safeguard, but 6 weeks ago I suffered a rare spinal cord disorder which has left me with impaired mobility and continence. I can't really live out of a suitcase.

There are three children 7, 11 and 15 living here. She intends to take our daughters (the younger two) but has stated that her son, my step-son, wants to carry on staying with me. Wouldn't want a teenager getting in the way of the new man and all that...

My original plan on gathering evidence of the affair was to sit it out and try and pre-empt her move, thwarting any attempt to do it behind my back, maybe do a bit of an Adenauer and then post on PH for applause, however I now have a feeling she is wanting to drag this out for a few more weeks and I'm sat here having not eaten for 4 days, hardly slept and in despair frankly to the point of feeling suicidal. My recent health setback has already had an impact on my mental stability so this is driving me over the edge.

She has told me she is going out for lunch (meaning she is meeting him, probably at their new house), I have a GPS equipped device in the car as I know from her messages she doesn't intend to reveal the location straight away, and I also have the guys wife contactable via Facebook if I want to create a scene for them potentially.

Really what I need to know is, am I within my rights to just lock her out of the house. She has already arranged her alternative accommodation, the kids can always stay here with me alone, or alternatively accommodation is also available locally with my in laws. Our home is rented and the tenancy is in both names. I am the sole income provider if that means anything.

I regret wanting to cause a 'scene' for the kids but I don't have the strength to continue facing her or having a fight, I'm partially disabled and can't really just live away from home, and there is a real risk she might turn the place over if I do.

This could all be happening between now and this afternoon so any advice is welcome. I am waiting for a matrimonial lawyer to call me also.

No advice on money needed - there are no substantial funds in any account that she can access or not.

Edited by theboss on Friday 6th May 08:00

The simple answer is no, the tenancy is in both names so legally she has access.

Edited to add not a lawyer bla de bla, no threat to person etc.

[pad58]

Horrible thing to go though OP , but yeah lock her out sounds good.
I had similar many years ago and understand your heart ache.
Best of luck on sorting it.

[northwest monkey]

Send the blokes wife an email. Probably won't help, but it might make you feel a bit better about things.

[stuthemong]

Very sorry to hear, Sounds like a st few months coming your way, but it will get better. Chin up!

In terms of what you do now, I can't help, as the first responder has said, you probably legally can't just lock her out if you are both tenants, await your call from the lawyer to understand options.

Also, all the logging/tracing etc. - Well you know she's lying and she's leaving, it probably doesn't really help you mentally to keep worrying about where she is / what she's doing. It's over, work out how best to proceed for you and the kids and enact that.

Vengeance may feel nice in the moment, but with kids/young adults around, if you're able to be calm and explain enough of what is happening to help them understand what's going on they'll appreciate it.

It's not the kids fault, you're getting really bitterly angry at their mum is something to avoid in front of them, IMO. That's one for ranting at a mate

Head up, soon you'll be without a cheating liar in your life. That's a good thing

[Jonno02]

Send his wife a message right now, don't bear the burden yourself.

Feel terrible for you OP. Been through a similar thing, but not quite on your scale. Nowhere near it actually. She sounds like a right piece of work.

[stuttgartmetal]

Stay strong
Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground

Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it

Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.

Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 6th May 08:45

[Kateg28]

Do whatever you can to get yourself through this whilst still staying legal. Whatever you do, remember the children will see, so try and act as a role model for them in all this. It can be a good leveller to stop you doing something stupid by always considering how they would view those actions.

Feel for you, cheating is awful and I just cannot understand a woman who would choose a new partner over a child, a teenager needs stability as much as a younger child. It is a credit to you that he wants to stay with you rather than be with his mother.

[grumpy52]

I would if possible seek a Notice to Quit ,this will remove her from the house .
Contct the bank etc and close all accounts and open new all in your name only .
As you already are ,be very wary of leaving the house vulnerable to being stripped of possessions, if the other fella has kids he probably won't be able to move much from his home ,the courts tend to try and keep the home as intact as possible for the sake of the children.

[sanguinary]

Jonno02 said:

Send his wife a message right now, don't bear the burden yourself.

Feel terrible for you OP. Been through a similar thing, but not quite on your scale. Nowhere near it actually. She sounds like a right piece of work.

This. I went through similar 10 years ago and the one thing I always regret is not letting the other party know. It took seven months of my digging to prove the affair and the first thing she said when it came to light, was why didn't I speak with her as she had suspicions too.

Good luck.

[Ekona]

How on earth can someone choose to take just two out of three kids? That's utterly baffling, not to mention incredibly hard on all the children involved!

Sorry OP, no legal help from me here but you do have my sympathies for a heart-breaking situation.

[Rangeroverover]

I know its hard, however you need to note a few things.

1) Divorce court really doesn't care who is at "fault" she could have been shagging the entire Royal Marines Band in alphabetical order and the judge won't care and it will make no difference to the outcome.

2) Don't waste your time doing the sherlock holmes thing, it will only make things worse and make you feel even worse.

3) Accept it is over and NEVER use the kids as a point scoring mechanism, they are not stupid. Take the moral high ground and stay there.

4) Remove sentimental things, my ex took all the family photographs from my childhood and back to my grandparents time just so I couldn't have them, she then claimed not to have seen them.

5) Go and see a family lawyer NOW, find out what you can do to protect your position, if she takes out any loans right now you are also on the hook for them. Money well spent

Best of luck and I hope the kids come through this OK

[Captain Benzo]

just echoing others on here, although it's never happened to me.

i'd speak to the blokes missus, she may be unaware or may have evidence/ suspicions too.

if you cant secure the house contents, can you get the important things stored.

her 'power' is in her secrecy, if that is gone, you've weakened her, twofold if the bloke is in the same boat.

it will get nasty, but if you can get her on a back foot, thats good. all whilst being good with the kids.

have a plan A and B. look after yourself, because if you don't you cant look after your kids.

chin up, if you are going through hell, dont stop, keep going.

[PurpleMoonlight]

Rangeroverover said:

5) Go and see a family lawyer NOW, find out what you can do to protect your position, if she takes out any loans right now you are also on the hook for them. Money well spent

That is wrong.

A debt is a contract between the borrower and lender. The lender cannot seek repayment from anyone other then the lender (or guarantor).

The worst that could happen is a divorce judge orders it is repaid from joint marital assets as a lump sum.

[Pieman68]

Been through this twice personally.

As said above, now you know I would stop monitoring as the only thing that you are doing is driving yourself insane

Keep your calm and try not to let anything escalate - some women in these situations can turn pretty ugly and are not above accusations that will see you carted off and locked in a cell, as this is a way of justifying their behaviour and making you look like the one to blame

Above all else, keep off social media etc. and resist the urge to post disparaging remarks, send caustic emails/texts etc. She will only use anything like this to show the children and try and turn them against you, as well as possibly using them in a legal context

If you take one piece of advice from me let it be this. She can strip the house bare, she can take aware the life that you had, she can leave an emotional and physical vacuum in your life, she can leave you on the verge of financial destitution (you say there is not much money about but don't be surprised at a spending spree that you end up paying back) but don't ever, ever, EVER let her take your dignity away. Hold your head high, don't allow her to make it your fault and rise above it

It's st now and will be for the time being, but it will get better. I can promise you that as I have been there and done it

Not a constructive answer to the immediate problem I'm afraid but all I can say is stay positive and watch your step

[MrBarry123]

Sorry to hear OP, sounds crap.

I can't provide any meaningful advice other than reminding you to take great comfort in the fact that your step-son is wanting to stay with you - that's quite something.

[Black_S3]

Rangeroverover said:

I know its hard, however you need to note a few things.

1) Divorce court really doesn't care who is at "fault" she could have been shagging the entire Royal Marines Band in alphabetical order and the judge won't care and it will make no difference to the outcome.

2) Don't waste your time doing the sherlock holmes thing, it will only make things worse and make you feel even worse.

3) Accept it is over and NEVER use the kids as a point scoring mechanism, they are not stupid. Take the moral high ground and stay there.

4) Remove sentimental things, my ex took all the family photographs from my childhood and back to my grandparents time just so I couldn't have them, she then claimed not to have seen them.

5) Go and see a family lawyer NOW, find out what you can do to protect your position, if she takes out any loans right now you are also on the hook for them. Money well spent

Best of luck and I hope the kids come through this OK

I don't fully agree with point 1. I was involved in something like this as a 13 year old kid. My dad kept the house because Mum had got herself another one and we stayed with him because it was seen as the most stable option (I think - was to young to know exactly why it was never even mentioned that we move to Mums).

The house raiding went on.... Made sense later on why Dad put loads of stuff in the loft and removed the loft ladder.

Be careful with the gps in car/intercepting messages - you know what's going on now so no benefit tearing yourself up finding anymore out. This can be twisted into abusive behavior on your part.

When I was speaking to my dad about it 15 or so years later he said his only regret was loosing sight of ''the goal'' at times and that he wished before every action he though ''does this help achieve the goal''. ''The goal'' being to get her the fk out his life!

Best of luck with all this.

[bad company]

Jeez you are having a rough time op (we are also on another thread about sciatica). Lots of good advice given already. Having been through it I would reiterate closing joint bank or credit card accounts, keep your own possessions safe and see a lawyer pronto.

Informing her boyfriend's wife is likely to bring things to a head sooner which is probably a good thing. Might also make you feel better.

[Vaud]

The tracking stuff looks like a fast route to you having a restraining order placed on you and reduced access to the other kids if she finds out IMHO - I'm not a lawyer.

Whatever you do, act in the best interests of the kids. She mentally left you months and months ago, in the "hierarchy of needs" she wanted to ensure she had somewhere safe to go.

Don't deny her entry to the house if her name is on the mortgage / deeds and you are married. It won't look good to the judge.

Be the model, virtuous person and be entirely reasonable at all times.

Keep a written log of any contact. Never raise your voice. Offer to meet in a neutral place for any contact.

[prand]

Black_S3 said:

Be careful with the gps in car/intercepting messages - you know what's going on now so no benefit tearing yourself up finding anymore out. This can be twisted into abusive behavior on your part.

Agreed - read in the newspapaper recently a husband was prosecuted for tracking his wife (and her new boyfriend I think). I would not admit to doing this, or give them reason for them to work out you had been monitoring/tracking her, as this could also be used as ammunition against you.

Sympathies O/P this is an awful situation. It does sound like you hjave your head screwed on and are doing all the sensible things. The hardest part will be keeping it bottled in and preventing yourself doing something short term and rash, as this will come back to you in spades.

Please shout if there's anything you need help with.

As people have said above, at least you know you know now, and all you need to focus on is when this lady is out of your life. Good Luck!