Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

LDN said:

I like the cut of your jib. If it’s looking like it’ll be a bloodbath; just up sticks and leave. I’d do the same thing; couldn’t face the piss takers winning.

It’s the last thing I want to do to my kids - but I simply refuse to spend much of the remainder of my precious working life battling with a disability every day whilst working merely to enrich her and countless other benefit mums courtesy of HMRC.

I’m hoping she will see sense and wish to maintain the status quo - but it’s wishful thinking.

[theboss]

LDN said:

I agree; there’s often a clear ‘bad’ party. It’s not always that clear but it can be.

Its unclear because in any unilateral relationship breakdown there is an aggrieved party who didn't want it to happen - they may always be susceptible to bad-mouthing the other even if it was done relatively innocently.

Though I was traumatised about the breakup of my family at the time, it was the way my ex went about things which I think makes me justified in calling her out as the bad party. Cheating is one thing, in many respects its just human nature and has happened throughout all cultures and ages, but for somebody to willfully manipulate a committed partner for a long period, accusing them of delusional paranoia and insecurity whilst conducting a covert affair and refusing to engage in any sort of frank discussion, is tantamount to psychological abuse in my opinion. This is the woman who picked her own children up from school one Friday and with no advance warning took them to a new never-seen-before house with a strange new 'stepdad' figure waving at them on arrival. I'd like to try and find a teacher, social worker or child psychologist who would be happy to endorse this approach to parental separation. Then add all the scheming, false accusations, manipulation of shared childcare for financial gain, etc.

[theboss]

So just 2 years and 3 months after the ex-wife upped and left, I did the PH unthinkable and re-married my new Serbian girlfriend. In the 10 months we have beee together she has been an absolute breath of fresh air, down to earth, shows a totally different perspective on life sans Western entitlement-complex, and is genuinely adoring towards my kids who think the world of her. Realising the relationship could only move forward by complying with immigration requirements I called a shotgun registry office appointment last month and got on with it. I’ve encountered some cynicism and expect no less here but I genuinely feel as though life is too short to live my life in fear of being burned again and I hold a very high degree of trust. I have also acquired a wonderful new family in the Balkans and am really enjoying regular trips and local hospitality there whilst we sort her visa.

My ex and I have still to finalise legals post-divorce but our Form E disclosures are being exchanged this week and our first hearing is next month.

She is still with the affair partner from the start of the thread and the kids seem to be coming to terms with the fact that he’s remaining “on the scene” although they apparently aren’t cohabiting again yet.

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Thank you all.

Ever the cynic, tonker, but I suspect you are right. There are a few issues to deal with, mostly the fact that she will be arguing for a slice of any prospective compo settlement. If I obtain the clean break I desire, then this matter will be put to rest. If not, then I still have years of fighting.

There is also the inevitable problem down the road, of re-balancing child custody, at the moment we have struck a balance whereby I have the kids 2-3 nights per week. At some point in the future this may change and I’ll want to secure 50:50 if the kids wish for the same.

In terms of her reaction to my remarriage - she hasn’t mentioned it or reacted in any way. She only knows from the children and it’s inevitable she’s seen a few social media pics. I don’t think she will feel particularly jealous or upset towards me, but I suspect she feels very threatened by the imminent establishment of a secure “rival” family unit in my home and the fact that the kids have an excellent relationship with my wife, and the fact that I’ll have the support network I need to have them here more often. The ex has already started trying to set expectations, for example, that she won’t allow the children to be cared for by my wife when I’m not present, and has sought to undermine their relationship with her by denouncing her as nothing more than a friend (stepmothers are an old-fashioned concept which nobody has anymore, they keep reciting to me). I suspect the thought of the children enjoying a mother-child type relationship with another woman is what really bothers her.

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

The kids - I've done everything I can which has generally involved having them in my home every single day I'm not in London working or (once every 3-4 weeks) visiting my partner. I've managed to have them 30-40% of the time (taking account of the fact she has them mostly school days) despite holding down a demanding contract away from home. I realise I'm on the back foot here and that she holds the cards as a 'resident' parent providing a technical majority of childcare, but there isn't more I could have done. If I reduce the amount I work, the whole house of cards collapses spectacularly. All I can hope for is that the children want to restore this balance as much as I do. My youngest is nearly 10 and thinks she's 14 - she is certainly capable of articulating her opinions, and will only continue to become more outspoken.

The money - I have nothing to offer her now, no carrots in the bag, so to speak. Of course she won't want a clean break. I can only hope that a court sees her for what she is and grants me severence and closure on the matter. If, on the other hand, the court refuses to grant this on the basis that 'her needs' override my own, then I will resort to drastic measures to ensure that she isn't enriched by my pain and suffering. Nothing underhand - I'd probably just drop the claim altogether. She won't get what she feels entitled to. Child support is another obligation altogether and I'm paying her according to the CMS calculator.

It might be fantastically wishful thinking, but all I can do is present myself to the court, demonstrate that I've held down an income under extreme physical difficulty, think in the best interests of my children and that any future lump sum is intended for my future needs. Every medical opinion I've heard expresses geuine admiration for this fact beacuse many patients in my situation stop working and/or suffer a degree of emotional breakdown. Furthermore every legal opinion I've heard states that she will need to provide compelling evidence of actual financial need in order for a court to consider that compensation is 'fair game' to her. And remember we are talking about a very uncertain prospect 2-4 years down the road. I'm not on the brink of banking a guaranteed half a million quid, which is probably what she suspects. It will also be apparent from her Form E in the near future that she is not exactly destitute and struggling to survive. She is also <40 years old and will need to justify why she is not maximising her earning potential.

Edited by theboss on Tuesday 18th September 12:24

[theboss]

Mario149 said:

theboss said:

I suspect the thought of the children enjoying a mother-child type relationship with another woman is what really bothers her.

I don't get this at all. Surely as a mother you want as much genuine love and support for your kids as possible, wherever it comes from. The more the better for them.

You're quite right, but the difference is that you're capable of thinking rationally.

It would seem that in her mind, my best choice of partner would be one that the kids despise, in order to avoid her feeling undermined and threatened as their sole exclusive mother-figure.

I have spoken to many women who seem to adopt a similar stance and really feel agrieved by their children having a close relationship with their exes new partner. They really do seem to get upset about it.

[theboss]

motco said:

I can understand the ex-wife being peeved if her children snuggle up to their father's new woman - if he broke the marriage vows in the first place and the new woman was the 'other' woman. But when she (the ex) did the naughties and caused the marital break up by an adulterous affair how can she be so bloody minded?

Don't forget I'm also in the position of watching my children 'snuggle up' to the man she had a long-term affair and ran off with. Despite any malice I may feel towards the guy, I genuinely want them to have a good relationship with him, and I want him to be as decent a man as possible (though don't have much confidence in the ).

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

I think it's more difficult for single men [with children] when it comes to new partners. A single mother only really needs to find a man who merely tolerates her children. He won't generally be expected to take a very 'full on' father figure role and the woman will generally shield him from the day to day stuff.

On the other hand if you're a man with younger children you can really only hope to find a woman who takes it in her stride to bond and present herself as a motherly role model to the kids. If she isn't genuinely and naturally interested in your kids you don't stand a hoping chance in hell of getting that relationship off the ground. When my new wife was in the UK, after we first met, she just bonded with them in ways I struggle to - for example spending time dressing their hair, baking in the kitchen, doing all the arts and crafts stuff that they love. A real natural.

The other dilemna is that prospective partners who fit this mould either have children of their own, or want some. A woman who isn't interested in having children probably isn't going to be very interested in your children either.

Essentially by breaking a family at the life stage my ex did, a woman is consigning the man to:
(1) remaining alone / celibate and fully committed to his kids without the complexity of new partners <-- what she always wants
(2) finding a non-child friendly woman and having less to do with my own children
(3) taking on a child-friendly woman with her own kids [who need providing for]
(4) taking on a child-friendly woman who wants kids [who need providing for]

Just when I thought I was over the brow of the hill in terms of child rearing.

[theboss]

NewbishDelight said:

OP, just read through this entire thread in one sitting.

You're a hell of a guy - bloody good show!

Thankyou. I hope others can gain from it in some way.

[theboss]

strain said:

Been following but not commented much. Good luck for the future - nice to see you come out the other side (probably feeling a damn site better)

Just thought I would add my 2p's.

Brother in law split from his wife, few months later tried again but it failed. Asked for a divorce, moved out the same day, that night he had a heart attack.

He was in hospital for a few weeks, told he had to quit his job due to the strain it puts on his heart (manual labour), his life insurance paid out in full. At this point the mortgage was under 10k so there was a good surplus.

In court she tried to go for half the settlement, he went for half of her stuff (she made a lot more money) he ended up keeping all of his payout, she kept her pension, she bought him out of the house.

I really hope any compensation you get she's not allowed a penny!

Good to hear about your brother-in-law. Unfortunately my ex will always play on the fact that she doesn't earn, has sacrificed her glorious career for our children, etc. and that will undoubtedly help her.

motco said:

Indeed, and you're entitled to be awkward about it, but you're not and that is a feather in your cap!

To be fair, I was pretty awkward about it at first, when I befriended his own ex-wife etc. and set about inconveniencing their rosy new lives together (go back about 40 pages)

One day I will finally have to come face to face with this guy, but I hope I'll hand him a beer, shake his hand warmly and thank him sincerely for all that he has done. Lucky escape and all that.

[theboss]

olly22n said:

There is a (5);

Enjoy your children for the time you have them, and when you don't, enjoy all that single life brings (be that women, trips to le mans, old motorbikes, whatever).

This notion that you need to be a relationship to be happy, is frankly bks.

That’s the same as no (1) in my list... I didn’t say happiness depends on a relationship, far from it, but I do personally feel more content in a “complete” family unit with some companionship, than without. I’d far rather be without, than with the wrong ‘un.

[theboss]

Well, Form E day has come and gone, and it seems like she isn't ready to disclose anything yet - despite having 60+ hours a week more spare time than I do, and after I've spent the last few weeks stressing about getting all my stuff ready on time!

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Come on tonker, give me some credit!!

[theboss]

Update. It’s all over. We had another court hearing today and despite all the posturing and frankly absurd claims, she made a significant climb down and we have reached an agreement with me agreeing to a maintenance order (which reflects what I was already paying for child support plus a little extra) and transferring a modest pension in return for a clean break on capital. £35k burned jointly on legal costs in order to achieve something which could have been agreed in mediation had I been given the chance.

I feel I can now move on with my life once and truly, and also pursue the damages claim without the fear of her claims hanging over me.

My new wife has been happily settled here for 6 months and we are expecting a child in the new year, which we and our children are absolutely delighted about.

I hope this thread serves to give hope to anyone else going through the most gut wrenching of separations and divorces. You can come out the other side much happier than imaginable, it just takes time, money and a lot of pain and stress.

Edited by theboss on Wednesday 10th July 16:41

[theboss]

RSVR101 said:

Nice one Boss, probably worth the £35k to not have the worry of any comebacks at a later date that you may have had with mediation?

Yes, what I meant was mediation + consent order under guidance of solicitors. I would never have let it go without one.

[theboss]

Fermit and Sexy Sarah said:

Good news. I would guess she's made that move not out of the goodness of her own heart, but on the advice of someone paid.

Correct. She never set out to gain a maintenance order - it was her stab at huge lump sum paid out of any damages I receive. She had a barrister today and I think he probably looked at the proceedings to date and gave her a strong wake up call. It was preferable to me to avoid any future costs and risks around the capital claim by accepting a maintenance obligation (which I had towards the kids in any case).

S100HP said:

Married within 2.5 years of starting this thread and a child on the way? You don't hang around do you Boss?

It’s 3.5 years but agreed life is too short not to.

[theboss]

eltawater said:

Great news that you've finally had closure on this chapter. All the best on the exciting nappy filled chapter that looms before you

Speaking of which, the ex still has to find out about this news. She won’t be happy because in our marriage she put loads of pressure on me to have a vasectomy then had herself sterilised when I refused, and regretted it ever since. There’s some things money just can’t buy. At least the deal was done now before she has the next big tantrum.

This is the other big lesson here. Do NOT be coerced into sterilisation at the age of 30. You never know what’s around the corner.

[theboss]

hutchst said:

I had a V at 31, got divorved at 36, had it reversed at 40, had another child at 42 then had another V at 61 (last year) after my second divorce. So never say never.

Good to hear your reversal was successful. How was it going through the baby stage all over again after a long interval? I will be 38 and my youngest 11 when the baby is born - I thought I was long past the dirty nappy stage!

[theboss]

Psycho Warren said:

Glad it turned out ok in the end. Thank god some common sense has prevailed and the psycho bh cant get her nails into your disability compo.

It was a strange one. She kicked proceedings off a year ago probably thinking I was near payout, but in fact the claim was in its very early stages. She then did everything she could to try and adjourn proceedings until it settled even though this could (and probably will) take years.

A judge back in April spelt it out to her unequivocally saying that we had to settle in the present time and not at some convenient point in the future, with the claim only being speculative at this point in time. (Common sense in a family court!)

However they still tried and tried. At the most recent hearing they claimed that it should be a marital asset because it happened pre-separation (by 5 weeks). It was also claimed that the marital breakdown could be attributed to the disability and that we should effectively have a joint interest in the claim! She was decorating her new love nest at the very time I was laid up in hospital!

Out of all the things that I’ve experienced in the last few years, having this woman laying claim to this personal damages settlement after leaving me for dead in my darkest hour, and having to suffer a lifelong degradation in lifestyle consequently, was the most galling and emotionally damaging aspect of this whole mess. My daughter was also dragged into this given her autism and thus “eternal child support” demand.

I am glad I can put it all behind me at last.

Of course I will do everything humanly possible to support my daughter as she transitions to adulthood and if I do reach a settlement in due course, this will help greatly. But my ex won’t get her hands on a penny of this award.

[theboss]

I was asked for an update and also some direct questions on another thread so here goes:

anonymous said:

[redacted]

The brief version is met a fantastic woman, have been married for 2 years, have an amazing 6 month old son I thought I’ve never have, and am significantly happier than I was in the first marriage.

Divorce settlement concluded last summer at great expense and stress as she was gunning for pretty much everything she thought she could get from future income and a potential medical neg claim (you may recall in my opening thread I had just suffered a spinal mishap when she legged it). All put to bed and agreed a reasonable level of spouse maintenance and transfer of meagre pension contribs to her in return for a capital clean break.

I kept the original family home (rented) and most of the possessions in it.

Business is going brilliantly and the first hearing on the neg case 4.5 years after the event is scheduled in a fortnight.

Besides the 6-7 years of my life I’ll never get back (adding the affair duration to the divorce duration), endless sunk costs, stress, blood, tears etc. The only real ongoing issue now is managing the children between two homes with a vacillating, insecure co-parent ex and seeing how it’s ultimately had a detrimental impact on them. Her life isn’t a total car crash as she lives a comfortably supported non-working lifestyle worrying about little more than paying for her next holiday, but the affair guy has been a total uncommitted let down.

GT3Manthey said:

Purely out of interest is she still with the 'affair guy'? I often wonder how many of these affairs ever last

As far as I can tell they have more of an ongoing 'FB' relationship. Hang around and take holidays together but no sign of any plans to cohabit. Not really much a meaningful relationship as far as I can tell, but I'm not party to it. My younger daughter stays at his house sometimes but he doesn't have much time for the autistic one. He still gives his ex-wife hassle but no maintenance. I get occasional updates from her as for a while we were co-ordinating on a few respective divorce matters and became friends.

It would be nice if she could settle down with somebody capable of supporting her and playing a stepfatherly role and get married but she's not so daft to do that before the maintenance order ends in 2027. Problem for her is that any prospective suitors will be mature men who have been through the grinder previously and will be naturally very wary.

slow_poke said:

How's life been since the spinal cord injury? How much of an impact compared to life before it?

Bit of a 'TMI' but here goes.

I have cauda equina syndrome with permanently destroyed S1 nerves affecting my feet and pelvic area. Bladder and bowel completely paralysed. I survive on catheters and daily bowel irrigation and suffer extreme toilet related urgency and discomfort. My mobility is largely intact but my feet are numb and paralysed so I walk flat-footed and off-balance. I use the gym with a PT who is sympathetic to my medical condition, can walk/cycle/row and lift weights whilst sitting or reclined but will never jog/run/jump or do anything strenuous so far as lower back pressure is concerned. My groin area and arse are completely denerved so I could take a vasectomy (or red hot poker) without even blinking. Sex is miraculously still achievable but heavily desensitised, but in that respect I'm one of the luckier ones to which my son is a living testament. I also suffer intense neuropathic pain periodically but avoid medication for now because it's not frequent enough to warrant the permanent potential side effects and dependency.

In terms of impact to life - I have got to grips with the day to day reality of it and have held down contracts ever since. I've benefitted greatly by being able to work from home exclusively in the last year and have a bathroom 6 feet away from my desk.

Professional life was significantly impacted when I have had to work onsite in any capacity. Diving out of meetings regularly to use the bathroom, having near accidents (luckily never publicly but it's a matter of time), having to be very careful what I eat and being totally house/bathroom bound if I develop the slightest unsettled stomach.

Social life has taken a similar hit as I just can't be bothered to go anywhere unless I can be absolutely certain I will have regular unrestricted access to bathrooms, ideally accessible ones, and also get uncomfortable sitting for any length of time. I tend to spend a lot of time pacing around and have a standing desk at home.

My main concerns are the impact on my working life longer term as I feel I've been able to power through the last few years of my thirties out of sheer determination, and have been cut a lot of slack by very supportive clients, but it's not sustainable as I age, and I've cut myself out of onsite working especially with travel or away-from-home requirements.

Also my personal care needs are likely to escalate as I age and I'm worried about how this will impact those around me.

The two points above are really what any potential settlement is intended to redress. I was advised by the doctors who treated me to seek legal advice after the neighbouring trust failed to act on clear symptoms. Instead of being offered same-day emergency surgery in a world class facility just up the road, I was sent home. The nerve damage swiftly escalated and became permanent within 48 hours.

anonymous said:

[redacted]

He's had a rough ride into early adulthood. His mum left with this guy when he was 15 the week his GCSE exams started. He stayed with me for a while, made a failed attempt at college and drifted off the rails. When his mum re-settled in her own home without the other partner, he went to stay with her and has drifted between there, his grandparents and my house ever since.

I feel pretty bad in this respect as my life has moved on significantly without him. His mum hasn't made proper provisions for him and he sleeps on a sofa at her house. I could offer to accomodate him but the thought of a workshy, non-contributing adult son of my ex-wife living with us doesn't sit comfortably with my new wife, which is hardly surprising.

On a good note he did his first day's actual work in his whole life this week with more to follow next week, and an opportunity to take up a labouring type role with a local tradesman if he delivers. I'm taking him for a beer tomorrow evening and he will probably stay with me for a few days. I try to offer support and advice to him whenever I can.

Edited by theboss on Thursday 3rd September 18:44