Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[theboss]

OK its all going to hell pretty quickly. She is here now, with her mother, they have already stated I "can't look after the kids" because I didn't launder their school uniforms last night FFS.

They are taking clothes but are stating that the new house isn't ready for the kids yet because appliances aren't there (washing machine cooker etc)

Therefore the wife thinks she can stay here with the kids and I should just go somewhere else if I don't like it.

How do I get proper advice on a Saturday morning? Any actual lawyers here?

[theboss]

The problem is stand up and fight = escalating argument / confrontation with wife and mother in law who are now in the house removing clothes etc which seems fair enough. How does that end - police called.

Remember I can't just chuck everything on the lawn - I have a spinal cord disorder.

I am ringing around seeing if I can get some proper advice as I need to know exactly how to handle the situation best.

[theboss]

PurpleMoonlight said:

Lesson 1: She will firmly believe, without a shadow of doubt, that she is entitled to everything and will be unable to comprehend why you would object to that.

I would be inclined to stay well and truly put for the whole weekend.

Yeah I'm camped - it's caused her some frustration which is telling of her intentions...

[theboss]

Guys I have just made it clear I am camped here now.

She was trying to get me to take the kids away for an hour or two.

[theboss]

I'm still here.

I've had an amicable chat with the wife. Textbook stuff really - she 'fell' for this guy a while ago but seems to have just strung me along, despite an obviously unhappy relationship with me resulting from her lack of interest whatsoever, until they both felt ready and committed enough to jump from respective marriages and setup together.

We have explicit agreement on what she is and isn't taking. She's taking a lot of the contents of the kitchen but leaving me most appliances - her cooker was a recent gift from her parents so its not unreasonable for her to take it. Apart from that its kids clothes, beds and essentials.

And this is the crux of the problem in her mind - here I am fussing about bits of furniture, electricals, valuables and what she might try and do to me financially. She is walking away from this to a much more basic house but what, in her mind, is an infinitely happier relationship which has already lasted for 18 months or so.

Some may say this is foolish but I need to just get out of here myself for a few days, try and show face at the office and remain committed and engaged. I have agreed to give her a few days space here to sort the rest of the things she needs and have her calm assurance (for once) that nothing underhand will happen. She actually seems radiantly happy for the first time I can remember.

Therefore tonight, for the first time, I'll sit here in my nice big family home surrounded by possessions intact... on my own... whilst my wife is tucked up in her new bed with this guy and my kids are excited about their new bedrooms.t

So here we have a textbook lesson of what happens when you take your eye off the ball, too busy working and becoming fixated on provision of income whilst neglecting the simpler things. I ignored early signs of her drifting, taking them as criticism rather than warnings. She obviously didn't help by lying through her teeth for a year and a half.

I've agreed a sum of money for child maintenance temporarily which we'll review in a few months time.

BTW to clarify, the step-son wasn't being 'forced' into the new house but I felt his voice wasn't being heard. We have spoken to him and he wants to move to the new place with his siblings, but he knows he is always welcome here with me.

Whether I can bear to maintain this house single-handedly in either emotional or financial terms, when I'm usually away in the week, only to come back on the weekends to see the kids, is another matter.

If somebody had told me at Christmas that by June I'd be partially disabled and that my wife and kids would be living with another guy, I'd have laughed.

Oh and one more thing, I have had family (my brothers) and also a few close friends visiting. My best mate yesterday took me to Waitrose and then cooked me large batches of meals which I've portioned and frozen. This means I can feed myself and the kids for a couple of weeks. I'm not very domestic (part of the wife's problem with me - the new guy is a chef) so have a lot to learn. But I haven't been entirely on my own - that part comes tonight.

I'm also going to try and see my GP asap. I was feeling overwhelmed by the recent health setback and was considering referral for specialist clinical psychology with my spinal unit. Add this situation and I now feel such despair that I'm worried I'm not going to cope. My sleep and eating have been significantly disrupted for 10 days now (since the separation first broke) and right now all I can feel is not anger but just extreme loss and emptiness.

Maybe this thread is becoming less relevant for the legal section now as the urgency of the situation concerning access and removal of property has passed.

Edited by theboss on Sunday 8th May 07:27

[theboss]

Thanks for all the advice and support so far guys. I don't usually get choked up reading PH.

I don't want her relationship to spectacularly fail because of the fall out for my kids. If there's any spiteful wish at the moment is that whilst her honeymoon period ends, I make a stonking recovery, my health issues subside (to re-iterate sudden and potentially lifelong impaired mobility, continence and sexual functions at 34-and-suddenly-single is pretty daunting in its own right), I stay here as some sort of anchor for my kids and develop much better relationships with them, and lastly end up with a fantastic looking, supportive and much younger, loyal, over-sexxed woman in such a way that she's ever so slightly upset whenever she drops the kids off.

Pretty unlikely of course, but it gives me hope!

[theboss]

Oh and a smile yesterday - whilst consoling my 7 year old who was very distraught when her mum left for the night, I tried to diffuse the situation by asking where she would like to go on holiday with Daddy this summer.

She stopped crying and said she wanted to go to Germany in my car (M5). Thats my girl.

I took her older brother to the ring last year so it must have made some impression.

[theboss]

I'm in the office today. Figured I needed to try and surround myself by normality. I'm being nice to the 'ex' who is texting me about various things.

I'm starting to crunch figures and look at my maintainence duty using the government's online service, and suddenly it appears that she has financially liberated me rather than nailing me to the floor, especially by moving straight into a household being supported by another guy with a business/income.

Once we have got through the amicable 'moving out' stage and I have secured my home I will start pulling the rug on things like the leased car and phone she is using. I have also cancelled a load of her direct debits from the account I'm using to pay our bills, things like her gym membership and a few subscriptions which all add up. I've applied for my council tax reduction. She has been a high maintenance woman who always berated me for 'working too much' and 'never having the kids' so I have assured her I want the kids staying over as much as possible ideally 3 nights a week. She doesn't yet seem to have formed a connection between the amount of time the kids spend with me, and her maintenance entitlement.

We will soon see how much her maintenance expectations are 'all for the kids, not me' when I end up paying her a fraction of what I suspect she has in mind. I spent the last 7 years as a freelancer working my arse off to maximise income and now, given the major health setback and the fact I want to devote as much time as possible to my kids, I'm obviously re-evaluating my income vs lifestyle priorities.

It would be interesting to see what she'd say if my doctor signs me off work for 6 months - most people with my neurological condition are actually admitted to spinal rehab clinics for months on end so I have already 'overdone' things by returning to work as early as I could.

The potential for pulling the nice cosy, warm rug from under her feet at some point down the road, is spectacular.

All I need next is a young little floozy who wants to live in my house and drive a Golf R.

[theboss]

DA -

As the sole earner I'm basically on the hook for any liability attached to the existing home - I can't walk away from it. If I do I'll only end up still paying for it with her still in it (with the new man too probably).

Also my kids lives have just been thrown into utter turmoil having just been thrust into a new home with a strange new man cuddling mummy, and I think having their trusty old Dad remain in the 'old' family home with their bedrooms intact and the possibility to come and stay whenever they like, will provide an anchor of familiarity that will help them and hopefully strengthen the relationships I have with them.

Thats my plan for the next 3 months through the summer hols, and then I will review. It's a high cost home to maintain if I only have them a few nights a week so I want to try and have them as much as possible.

My health condition means I'm working from home a lot and reducing my billable days per week, so I'm in a better position to offer this than ever before.

Also given her previous derision of me for 'working too much' and 'never having time for the kids' I hope it might irritate her somewhat, that by changing my life I now restore these imbalances. She says she wants the best for the kids, so that is what I aim to give her. What she *really* wants me to do is carry on working myself to an early grave so see can secure a decent chunk of my future income.

Edited by theboss on Monday 9th May 11:59

[theboss]

Thankyou. To clear up that particular point, the stepson is moving to the new house. My annoyance was that initially his voice was not being heard but given the choice he has chosen to go.

His 11 year old sister is autistic and he is generally scathing and embarrassed to be seen with her (I guess as a teenager having a 'special needs' sibling may be rather like having the wrong phone / trainers), so I think initially he may have jumped at the chance to live separately.

What has been very touching over the last few days is, for the first time, seeing him comforting her when she is crying; I think the whole ordeal will bring them together and I suspect he might now want to be in the new house to help look out for his younger sisters.

I also suspect I'm going to come under some flak if I don't have to pay maintenance for him. As he is 16 next month and about to move onto college in September, its my intention to open him a personal bank account and pay him an allowance directly so he feels I am doing something to support him. I'll also carry on paying for his phone contract and make it known he can come over whenever he likes. I'll buy him a cycle for his birthday so he can ride over easily enough.

I also wondered if I could be trying to get the new man backgruond checked in some way. It concerns me she has moved in with a 'lover' just like that, who will be in the household more or less full time, along with my pubescent and very vulnerable daughter.

Edited by theboss on Monday 9th May 12:41

[theboss]

Starfighter said:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/re...

Sarah's Law allows you to do some level of checks on him as he will have access to your girl. It isn't going to give you everything you want but does give a CRB type check. If it were to come back with a concern then the school, social services and your soon to be ex need to know pronto.

Any idea of kids involved from his side? His attitude to any kids with his wife would be telling as to how much support he will give your kids.

I understand he has 3 kids, two daughters 15 and 17 (I'm sure they'll admire their Daddy for leaving them + mum for a younger woman and a bunch of other kids) and also a younger child aged about 10.

Don't know anything about them besides that.

I'll speak to the police about the disclosure scheme as I feel she must hardly know him and his background.

[theboss]

ShyTallKnight said:

All the best OP... I think your strategy of staying put is the right thing to do for the kids as they will need that stability. I did the same, yes its hard going from the hustle and bustle of a busy household to all quiet but the needs of my children far outweigh those of my own. A fresh start will come just not at this point in time.

The behaviour of your stbx wife just beggars belief. Moving lock stock and barrel with kids in tow in with her new man. Quite unbelievable..!! The children will need some stability going forward OP and I think you are that rock judging by your open and honest account thus far. Keep your head going forward and I remember someone posting on my marriage breakdoen thread saying something along the lines of the views alot better from the moral highground and you know what it most definately is...

Idle curiosity leads me to ask but did you ever get a reply from the guys wife..??

Thanks for your kind words.

I didn't get a reply. There is a bit of history here. The wife cheated with this guy 18 months ago, hence him being a 'known danger' and would never have told me if I hadn't found out. However she pleaded and pleaded for me to stay with her and promised me it was a one off. I agreed, I wanted to believe her and I wanted to hold things together for the kids. I was committed to rebuilding our relationship. I made it clear if I ever caught a sniff of him again I'd tell his wife. It therefore wouldn't surprise me if he managed to get on her Facebook account and block me.

Therefore finding out 18 months down the road that he was still very much 'on the scene' all that time makes me kick myself for not acting on instinct and just binning her a long time ago. It is hard to do without direct evidence though and also my highly inquisitive nature meant she adapted to hiding her tracks better.

I don't want to push the matter with his wife but suspecting my online messages were blocked, I do feel like writing her a brief letter explaining that if she ever wanted to know more about the situation from my side of the fence, for example to put closure on her own relationship, I'd be very willing to share. I know her address and obviously he isn't there to check the post any more.

I notice she has changed her FB page to remove recent pics of him, and has reverted to her maiden name.

[theboss]

prand said:

I think that says it all, no?

The husband went home to fess up when it was very clear that everything was out in the open and that I would tell her at the first opportunity.

As mentioned before their original plan was for her to move into the house 'alone' with him only in the background.

I think I forgot to make a post shortly after the initial one to explain that I'd blown up massively and confronted my own wife with what I knew. There's quite a bit of action missing.

[theboss]

AndyNetwork said:

OP, sorry to hear of your troubles, hope things work out for you in the long term.

I agree with many of the comments on here, including your own. Make the best of the situation, try not to get into fights, no matter how much you are provoked (It will happen, but keep them to a minimum)

At the end of the day, the only things that matter now are your health (physical and mental) and that of your kids (physical and mental). To some degree, this will depend on how your soon to be ex wife is. Let me give you an example.

I split up with my ex 7 years ago, not through my choice - she decided she didn't want to be married any more. I have always tried to keep everything on good terms with her, not because I always wanted to, but because it was best for my two girls. I have also helped her on occasions, as she suffers from depression and arthritis, if she takes a dip in mood, so does my youngest. On some occasions, I have probably gone above and beyond what an ex husband should do, and people have pointed this out to me, but to me it was worth it for the sake of the girls.

We have had our moments where I wanted to hurt her, and she me, but we got over these things. We can sit and discuss when I am having the girls, and if for any reason I need to swap a weekend (Leaving do at work, and Le Mans spring to mind), there is very little resistance, unless for a good reason. Certainly none of the "just because I want to be difficult" type of situations.

As a result, I now know that although we could never be together again, we do consider each other friends again.

To put the icing on the cake, in conversation with a friend in common a few weeks back, my eldest who is now 15, was asked "How do you feel about your dad?" Her answer was "No matter how much crap my mum has thrown at him, he has always been there, and never let us down."

When we split up, I could have only dreamed of this, but somehow, and with a lot of hard work and pride swallowing, I have two daughters who want to spend time with me, and an ex wife I can be in the same room as, without it causing problems.

So, keep your chin up, keep yourself as well as you can, look after yourself and your kids, and make the effort to keep things amicable. It's worth it in the end.

Edited by AndyNetwork on Monday 9th May 17:32

Really good advice, thanks.

As was the earlier comment re Sarah's Law.

[theboss]

StottyEvo said:

V6Pushfit said:

All I can say is you have covered an absolutely incredible amount of ground in 3 days. Keep it up but don't wear yourself out...

Leaps and bounds in very little time. Thank you for the very interesting open and honest posts, I have a strong feeling that you'll come out of this with a few lessons learnt and in a much happier, better place.

Best of luck

Thanks guys

Waking up next to a pretty young thing this morning has also helped. Didn't even have to pay for it

[theboss]

pc.iow said:

theboss said:

Thanks guys

Waking up next to a pretty young thing this morning has also helped. Didn't even have to pay for it

It's not his seventeen year old daughter is it?

now that would be revenge

Actually, a girl I met a few months ago and had a brief romance with, the first and only during my marriage but I'd reached rock bottom trying and was sick of the loneliness. Then I was suddenly hospitalised and being told I'd have permanent nerve damage at which point I let things naturally fizzle to avoid becoming a burden despite her insistence otherwise. Neither want to rush into anything but I'm not going to decline an offer of close company.

I probably will reach a stage of indifference with the (ex)wife and won't have a problem with them both, but we will never be friends. Here's a woman who turned up to see me in hospital after serious surgery, whilst stopping to meet the lover on the way. I also have a very large extended family so its inconceivable that events like children's birthday parties will be open to both families as there's no way she would want to place herself in a room with 30 people who all think she is poison, even if behaving perfectly politely.

Only time will tell in that respect. I would rather for the kids sake avoid hostility but I also know she has very high / unrealistic expectations of me in maintenance terms and I doubt she'll ever be happy with what she gets.

Also exchanged texts with my stepson last night who said the new guy was 'alright actually', which is reassuring to hear. I want them to get along.

[theboss]

V6Pushfit said:

SpeedMattersNot said:

Just an idea, is it worth making sure you keep the other lady at several arms length at the moment? Just in case things get nasty, your ex may somehow use it against you? Just a thought.

Yes 100%. When the ex knows you're happy in any way she is likely to tighten the noose any way she can so beware!

Obviously *any* contact I have with other women at this stage I'll be discreet about, but it also helps that this individual is 150 miles away from the family home so there's no prospect (unless she reads PH SP&L) of her discovering this. I want that Golf R - which as the leaseholder I'm fully liable for - back safe and sound at some point - God knows what she'll do if she suddenly gets a mental jealous turn.

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

I'm not too fussed to be honest. I don't think it makes us 'as bad as each other' and I don't feel bad about it. It pales in significance to her own transgressions. She was also far too embroiled in her own relationship to even notice or care about anything I might have done. If it seems like I'm covering ground quickly it's because we have been emotionally detached for so long I have little to grieve about from a relationship perspective - more the destruction of the family unit/life/household.

[theboss]

Escapegoat said:

Eh? I thought you (OP) had some spinal cord injury that made rumpy pumpy exertion a no-go?

To a degree yes; this was the first real opportunity I've had to put things to the test. Definitely not quite normal but we are talking extreme de-sensitisation rather than total dysfunction. Obviously I tried to avoid any exertion on the back.

There really isn't much of a back story to tell guys!

[theboss]

She's already ranting about needing money out of the joint account to pay for fuel/groceries and also the car, saying I have a duty to provide her with transport for the kids.

Typically when would you start paying maintenance from? I have said I will start paying when she hands her keys back and comes off the tenancy.