Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[The Surveyor]

Kateg28 said:

How do we ensure the children benefit from maintenance?

as opposed to taking as much off him as he can afford then putting the money away in a separate bank account so the son doesn't benefit from it at all... its a tough one isn't it?

Op, thank you for keeping this thread open and honest, it's brought back some memories of my divorce (some good and some bad) and I hope once the initial stress and turmoil subsides, you're able to come out a healthier, stronger person, and that you're able to carry on being a role model for the children.

[theboss]

lambosagogo said:

castroses said:

All this 'talk' about whether your salary is 50 grand or 100 grand with dividends for maintenance calculations etc. But you can't just instantly spend £200 at Currys on a basic cooker the day the old one was removed.........?

Or perhaps he's been busy working / recovering and had other things on his mind than picking up a cooker. I'm pretty sure a cooker would be low on my priority list heaven-forbid I find myself in a similar situation.

Its not been a priority but I do need to sort something. There is a slight "first world" dilemna in that she removed a massive induction range sized thing so if I buy anything cheap it'll only fill half the gap - yet there is no point in doing the job properly until I feel disposed to living here long term.

I do have a microwave / grill / convection oven and a selection of gas and charcoal grills outside which I regularly roast large joints of meat and veg on. I hardly ever cook anyway. I was thinking of getting a standalone induction hob eg the sort you plonk on a worksurface just so I can heat a pan. If I buy a cheap cooker ar this stage it will most likely end up on the scrap heap before long.

[motco]

Nezquick said:

theboss said:

She also gets quite a substantial Disability Living Allowance claim for my autistic daughter... in the past she claimed this without informing me and diverted it to a bank account she opened based on her mother's address. Disability benefit being used as her own personal slush fund to be used to escape the marriage. I found hidden paperwork. So she is quite capable of conniving herself when money is involved.

Edited by theboss on Friday 13th May 10:23

I've read all of this thread and that is the single most disgusting thing to come out of it.

Good luck for the future though OP. Hope everything works out for you!

I have to admit that I was rooting for the OP up to the point where he admitted playing away in the past himself - albeit on a minor scale compared with his wife. Being a bit of a purist I thought that tainted his poor-hard-done-by put-upon husband with a faithless hussy of a wife image. However I have reconsidered after reading that about the disbility allowance. If it is as stated then she's totally undeserving of any consideration at all. Off with her head!

[YankeePorker]

FFS I'm living through the nightmare nicely outlined by Stuttgartmetal's of the guilt phases. Her affair is obviously my fault for being the dumb, faithful hubby. Most painful experience of my life to date.

On a more positive note, a friend of who divorced his wife with 3 kids in the marriage hooked up with a lovely lady who had similarly divorced her hubby with 2 kids in tow. They have now organised their lives to alternate having all 5 kids for an intense week, then a week living just as a couple. It actually seems pretty ideal, time for plenty of golf, weekend breaks around Europe, yet absolutely no guilt about fulfilling their parental obligations.

So OP, you're already coping better than I am and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully you'll look back on this one day and be grateful that your wife buggered off! Best of luck with the physical ailments, as others have told me concentrate on looking after yourself and of course the kids.

[lambosagogo]

Vaud said:

Is this post in the right thread?

I think it is most like a transcription or memory error by the poster.

[wisbech]

Who is getting/ will get the child benefit? You should ask to split on the ratio of nights spent...

[Borghetto]

wisbech said:

Who is getting/ will get the child benefit? You should ask to split on the ratio of nights spent...

I think it might be wise to get a formal agreement on how the childcare is split before discussing the financials.

[theboss]

Borghetto said:

wisbech said:

Who is getting/ will get the child benefit? You should ask to split on the ratio of nights spent...

I think it might be wise to get a formal agreement on how the childcare is split before discussing the financials.

Child benefit isn't a concern anyway - its paid to the main carer. I expect I can have it taken into account when assessing her mainenance requirements - same with the disability benefit which she has been trousering. It seems unreasonable she gets that exclusively when I care for my daughter for a significant amount of time.

Don't forget with CB if her new man earns >£50k some or all of it will be clawed back from him via the tax system.

My autistic girl was absolutely terrible yesterday - crying for hours wanting to go to her mums. I understand she has been upset all week. My mum is staying with me and has helped matters considerably.

Interesting we both observe that my daughter seems to recycle a lot of her Mum's words... she was shouting yesterday "Daddy doesn't know how to look after me" and "Daddy only ever thinks of himself". She would never say those things normally. Snake.

[PurpleMoonlight]

Saddened to read the children's alienation towards you has started. Expect to hear 'the children don't want to see you this weekend' soon.

Every separated mother soon learns that restricted contact means more child maintenance.

A perverse system to say the least and encourages contact obstruction.

[g3org3y]

theboss said:

She also gets quite a substantial Disability Living Allowance claim for my autistic daughter... in the past she claimed this without informing me and diverted it to a bank account she opened based on her mother's address. Disability benefit being used as her own personal slush fund to be used to escape the marriage. I found hidden paperwork. So she is quite capable of conniving herself when money is involved.

When confronted over this, what was her justification/reasoning?

theboss said:

Interesting we both observe that my daughter seems to recycle a lot of her Mum's words... she was shouting yesterday "Daddy doesn't know how to look after me" and "Daddy only ever thinks of himself". She would never say those things normally. Snake.

That must be heart breaking to hear.

Keep it up OP, thanks for the updates. Best wishes.

[theboss]

g3org3y said:

theboss said:

She also gets quite a substantial Disability Living Allowance claim for my autistic daughter... in the past she claimed this without informing me and diverted it to a bank account she opened based on her mother's address. Disability benefit being used as her own personal slush fund to be used to escape the marriage. I found hidden paperwork. So she is quite capable of conniving herself when money is involved.

When confronted over this, what was her justification/reasoning?

I discovered this about a year ago when I came across all the paperwork. It was one of a number of indications she was doing certain things behind my back. I was upset that she felt she had to do it secretly and I felt dubious about the fact she appeared to be trousering the cash, but I also accepted her argument at the time, that she felt left out of financial decisions and wanted her own little bit of income to spend on the kids independently. There was some evidence she was buying kids clothes, food etc with it.

I did at the time feel a little guilty that perhaps I hadn't paid her a set allowance to do as she chose with, but then I have always been transparent with money, I have paid into a joint current account since the day I moved in with her as a single mum 13 years ago.

Of course, with hindsight, what she was really doing was providing herself with a few thousand pounds in another account which she could use to help bring her 'get out' plan into fruition. The fact that the money was intended to compensate for the extra care required by my daughter makes it truly reprehensible.

[interstellar]

How are you getting on OP?

[Esceptico]

Not sure if this has been raised already as haven't read all the posts on this thread...

The detail being provided by the OP is pretty specific and extensive such that people that know him and his family could most likely identify him. Maybe not a big risk but would he want his ex and her lawyer access to all this information (and have it as a public record?)

Perhaps everything he has written is fine but lawyers are good at twisting what you say and that is easier to do with the written word.

Just a thought with the OP's best interests at heart.

[lee_fr200]

stuttgartmetal said:

Stay strong
Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground

Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it

Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.

Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 6th May 08:45

Best advice I've read

[mattyn1]

lee_fr200 said:

stuttgartmetal said:

Stay strong
Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground

Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it

Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.

Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 6th May 08:45

Best advice I've read

Absolutely - except I would add getting yourself on Tinder or POF or one of the others for a few months. Not necessarily for the obvious, but it will hopefully provide you with some social life that will not result in talking about your problems. It provides a complete break from all the stress you are enduring.

OP has done well, but it becomes all consuming, and one needs a break from it all.

[worsy]

theboss said:

For context we live in rural Shropshire where a £50-60k salary is unheard of, not the home counties.

[theboss]

It's going okay thanks guys... the week has gone very quickly so far and I can't believe I'm having the kids again already from tomorrow afternoon.

I'm trying to stay as busy as possible. Work is difficult, as much as I'm trying, I just find it hard to focus. I've decided to rekindle the musical ambitions of my youth as I find music very theraputic but haven't had much time for it of late; I have booked a tuner for the piano and tutors for piano and organ, and I'm also taking the M5 across Germany to Leipzig's Bach festival in 3 weeks time (a few ring laps mandatory en route).

She has the kids for half term so I won't see them for a little while, but after that I want to establish a routine where by I have them for a schoolnight and part of the weekend - I don't want her to expect to have every weekend free as otherwise she is only having them 4 x evenings a week and should be paying me maintenance!

The negatives - every time I wake up at night or in the morning, or every time my mind drifts somewhere else, I have that sickening 'realisation' of what she has done and almost feel panicstricken for a few seconds. Spending time alone in the former family home is exruciating. So many 'what ifs' which will haunt me for some time. I don't blame myself but naturally it's hammered my confidence at a point in time where I'm already dealing with quite harrowing health problems. Contact with the ex has been minimal.

So I'm keeping as much company as possible - my brother is coming up tonight, my mum and stepdad are 'moving in' part time to help with the house and kids. I also have a very sweet and younger admirer as mentioned previously but have agreed not to jump into anything serious too soon.

I'm not bothered about lawyers finding anything posted on here - maybe foolish of me - but there isn't much she can take me for and she does currently seem to have happily just buggered off with what she felt she needed (a few small appliances, clothes, kids stuff etc). The house and contents has surprisingly stayed intact.

[PH XKR]

Most important question of the thread... Which m5? I run an old 39 for fun

[theboss]

A DMS mapped F10 producing >700bhp

[br d]

theboss said:

A DMS mapped F10 producing >700bhp

Well that's not the answer to all your problems but it'll certainly help!

Enjoy your trip.