Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
Well the second weekend went very well - you'd think the kids had lived like this all their lives. They were happy and relaxed all weekend with me.
A few general updates and cringey comments like "mummy keeps kissing X, its weird" and "mummy said if she gets married again I can be a bridesmaid" which reinforce the fact that she's in the cloud cuckoo-land honeymoon period self-centred little bubble (as we know). My 11 year old handed us details of a month long homework project which had to be in this morning so we rallied to help her get that done - Mum had obviously overlooked it.
I also hear she is now car shopping so I might get the leased Golf back in the near future.
Overall dealing with it well and feeling overall positive that she has removed herself from my life.
A few general updates and cringey comments like "mummy keeps kissing X, its weird" and "mummy said if she gets married again I can be a bridesmaid" which reinforce the fact that she's in the cloud cuckoo-land honeymoon period self-centred little bubble (as we know). My 11 year old handed us details of a month long homework project which had to be in this morning so we rallied to help her get that done - Mum had obviously overlooked it.
I also hear she is now car shopping so I might get the leased Golf back in the near future.
Overall dealing with it well and feeling overall positive that she has removed herself from my life.
theboss said:
My 11 year old handed us details of a month long homework project which had to be in this morning so we rallied to help her get that done - Mum had obviously overlooked it.
Sorry to sound harsh, but you haven't had zero contact in the last month though I appreciate you have had a lot on your plate!Perhaps you need to agree a homework book with the kids so that nothing gets lost as they transition from the two homes ...also very easy for kids to say "I did my homework at mums yesterday", etc...
Or if the mum will agree, then set up a Google Docs spreadsheet that you both can access and update if you want to avoid calls.
theboss said:
Well the second weekend went very well - you'd think the kids had lived like this all their lives. They were happy and relaxed all weekend with me.
A few general updates and cringey comments like "mummy keeps kissing X, its weird" and "mummy said if she gets married again I can be a bridesmaid" which reinforce the fact that she's in the cloud cuckoo-land honeymoon period self-centred little bubble (as we know). My 11 year old handed us details of a month long homework project which had to be in this morning so we rallied to help her get that done - Mum had obviously overlooked it.
I also hear she is now car shopping so I might get the leased Golf back in the near future.
Overall dealing with it well and feeling overall positive that she has removed herself from my life.
I'd be getting the car back asap or as soon as you've changed the locks A few general updates and cringey comments like "mummy keeps kissing X, its weird" and "mummy said if she gets married again I can be a bridesmaid" which reinforce the fact that she's in the cloud cuckoo-land honeymoon period self-centred little bubble (as we know). My 11 year old handed us details of a month long homework project which had to be in this morning so we rallied to help her get that done - Mum had obviously overlooked it.
I also hear she is now car shopping so I might get the leased Golf back in the near future.
Overall dealing with it well and feeling overall positive that she has removed herself from my life.
Vaud said:
Sorry to sound harsh, but you haven't had zero contact in the last month though I appreciate you have had a lot on your plate!
Perhaps you need to agree a homework book with the kids so that nothing gets lost as they transition from the two homes ...also very easy for kids to say "I did my homework at mums yesterday", etc...
Or if the mum will agree, then set up a Google Docs spreadsheet that you both can access and update if you want to avoid calls.
It sounds like google docs would be too complicated for his exPerhaps you need to agree a homework book with the kids so that nothing gets lost as they transition from the two homes ...also very easy for kids to say "I did my homework at mums yesterday", etc...
Or if the mum will agree, then set up a Google Docs spreadsheet that you both can access and update if you want to avoid calls.
johnwilliams77 said:
I'd be getting the car back asap or as soon as you've changed the locks
It's only been just over 2 weeks since the start of this thread.With a leased car there's still plenty of time for any S.172 requests/NoIPs and parking ticket NtOs/NtKs to wing their way to him and cause him grief.
I can understand why he allowed her the use of the car but I'm not sure I would have trusted a proven deceiver.
Red Devil said:
It's only been just over 2 weeks since the start of this thread.
With a leased car there's still plenty of time for any S.172 requests/NoIPs and parking ticket NtOs/NtKs to wing their way to him and cause him grief.
I can understand why he allowed her the use of the car but I'm not sure I would have trusted a proven deceiver.
The response to either a S172 or a parking invoice is simple - Name and new address of STBX and return.With a leased car there's still plenty of time for any S.172 requests/NoIPs and parking ticket NtOs/NtKs to wing their way to him and cause him grief.
I can understand why he allowed her the use of the car but I'm not sure I would have trusted a proven deceiver.
My more pressing concern with the car would be the insurance. The OP needs to be crystal clear that the insurance does not cover her new beau or tell her to take out her own insurance in her name and with her own no claims. She may be able to get some based on being a named driver on the OPs policy and under the circumstances I would be happy to confirm this if I was the OP just to remove the risk of her doing something silly and hitting me for the next 5 years.
Starfighter said:
Red Devil said:
It's only been just over 2 weeks since the start of this thread.
With a leased car there's still plenty of time for any S.172 requests/NoIPs and parking ticket NtOs/NtKs to wing their way to him and cause him grief.
I can understand why he allowed her the use of the car but I'm not sure I would have trusted a proven deceiver.
The response to either a S172 or a parking invoice is simple - Name and new address of STBX and return.With a leased car there's still plenty of time for any S.172 requests/NoIPs and parking ticket NtOs/NtKs to wing their way to him and cause him grief.
I can understand why he allowed her the use of the car but I'm not sure I would have trusted a proven deceiver.
off to her new love nest.Starfighter said:
My more pressing concern with the car would be the insurance. The OP needs to be crystal clear that the insurance does not cover her new beau or tell her to take out her own insurance in her name and with her own no claims. She may be able to get some based on being a named driver on the OPs policy and under the circumstances I would be happy to confirm this if I was the OP just to remove the risk of her doing something silly and hitting me for the next 5 years.
An even better reason not to let her have it.I've just thought of something else. If she is keeping the car at a different address from the policyholder is the insurer aware of that fact? It could be at a higher risk postcode.
I'm aware of the risks with the lease car. I spoke to the lease company first to confirm they were happy with it being 'in her hands' and kept at another address etc, which they are but reminded me that the car is my liability.
Insurance-wise its on a policy with the ex as the policy holder and main driver, which reflects the use of the vehicle, with me as a named driver. She has her own NCB. Obviously when it comes back to me I'll have to sort some insurance out.
Ultimately I could have insisted on having it back, but by showing some lenience I have secured her co-operation in disassociating herself from my tenancy and also limited company, which is all done. I also have to think of my kids who need to be able to get to school safely so consigning her - and them - to a stter for rural roads doesn't sit comfortably.
I have also made her aware she is the only person who should be driving the car. If any tickets did come through the post I'd happily identify her as driver and pass on her name and new address to the parking company/council. I'm sure she doesn't want that hassle any more than I do.
I expect the car back in the next few weeks as I have heard rumours the new boyfriend is buying her a new car
or more likely she's looked at my maintenance offer and started looking into what she can finance.
Insurance-wise its on a policy with the ex as the policy holder and main driver, which reflects the use of the vehicle, with me as a named driver. She has her own NCB. Obviously when it comes back to me I'll have to sort some insurance out.
Ultimately I could have insisted on having it back, but by showing some lenience I have secured her co-operation in disassociating herself from my tenancy and also limited company, which is all done. I also have to think of my kids who need to be able to get to school safely so consigning her - and them - to a s
tter for rural roads doesn't sit comfortably.I have also made her aware she is the only person who should be driving the car. If any tickets did come through the post I'd happily identify her as driver and pass on her name and new address to the parking company/council. I'm sure she doesn't want that hassle any more than I do.
I expect the car back in the next few weeks as I have heard rumours the new boyfriend is buying her a new car
or more likely she's looked at my maintenance offer and started looking into what she can finance.Out of interests does your maintenance offer reflect that you are keeping her biological son? Seems crazy she takes your kids you keep her from another previous failed relationship and then yo have to pay her for privilege.
Take some solace in the fact that these types of people who cheat and then get together never consider the fact that if they can do it to someone else they will probably do it to them to. In my experience they end up getting cheated on themselves sooner or later.
Take some solace in the fact that these types of people who cheat and then get together never consider the fact that if they can do it to someone else they will probably do it to them to. In my experience they end up getting cheated on themselves sooner or later.
surveyor_101 said:
Out of interests does your maintenance offer reflect that you are keeping her biological son? Seems crazy she takes your kids you keep her from another previous failed relationship and then yo have to pay her for privilege.
Take some solace in the fact that these types of people who cheat and then get together never consider the fact that if they can do it to someone else they will probably do it to them to. In my experience they end up getting cheated on themselves sooner or later.
My stepson changed his mind and decided to live with her, but is visiting me with his siblings. I'm proud of him because he has suddenly changed from showing disdain for his younger siblings, to seeming very protective of them and comforting them when they are upset. I think this is one reason why he wants to stick with them.Take some solace in the fact that these types of people who cheat and then get together never consider the fact that if they can do it to someone else they will probably do it to them to. In my experience they end up getting cheated on themselves sooner or later.
The new house is quite small and in very isolated country, 3 miles from a public road and with no cellular coverage and minimal broadband. I wouldn't be surprised if he would prefer to spend a lot of the summer in a better connected environment given that his whole social life revolves around iPhone, PS4 etc. He is welcome to come and go as he pleases although I won't be able to give him a new key for obvious reasons.
I am due to spend good male bonding time with him by taking him to Germany in a few weeks time for his 16th.
He is also 6'2, fiery, very hormonal and falls out with his mother very easily as neither will attempt to diffuse a situation. I don't think it will be long before a situation escalates, the 'stepdad' intervenes in some way, and he ends up on my doorstep in tears. I hate the thought of him going through that but I'll always be there in a non-judgmental way when it does invariably happen. I have encouraged him to have a positive relationship with the new guy even though it makes me slightly sick in my throat to say so!
With regards to the original question, my maintenance offer is based on my two children, but I will record the amount of time the stepson stays with me. If it becomes more than half the time then as far as I'm concerned, he becomes a dependent child living with me which will affect her entitlement.
theboss said:
I'm aware of the risks with the lease car. I spoke to the lease company first to confirm they were happy with it being 'in her hands' and kept at another address etc, which they are but reminded me that the car is my liability.
This is why I would have been very reluctant to do so. Once she has off you have lost control of the vehicle. theboss said:
Insurance-wise its on a policy with the ex as the policy holder and main driver, which reflects the use of the vehicle, with me as a named driver. She has her own NCB. Obviously when it comes back to me I'll have to sort some insurance out.
Ah, I wasn't aware of that. If she hasn't told her insurer, as policyholder she's in the firing line if the risk has changed (it may have gone down rather than up of course). That said, I wonder whether as a named driver you are under any obligation yourself to tell them. As it's not something I have ever needed to be concerned about, I don't know the answer. theboss said:
Ultimately I could have insisted on having it back, but by showing some lenience I have secured her co-operation in disassociating herself from my tenancy and also limited company, which is all done. I also have to think of my kids who need to be able to get to school safely so consigning her - and them - to a stter for rural roads doesn't sit comfortably.
I did say in a previous post that I understood why you didn't. As a quid pro quo for attaining your other objectives it makes a lot of sense.tter for rural roads doesn't sit comfortably.theboss said:
He is also 6'2, fiery, very hormonal and falls out with his mother very easily as neither will attempt to diffuse a situation.
In other words he's a perfectly normal male in his mid teens. The transition to becoming a man is hard enough without having to come to terms with his mother's new flame as well.theboss said:
I'm proud of him...
Don't forget to tell him so and why. Hearing it from you will give him a great confidence boost at a difficult time in his life.Vaud said:
theboss said:
He is welcome to come and go as he pleases although I won't be able to give him a new key for obvious reasons.
You could get a key safe in the garden and trust him with the code? That way you are restricting it to just him, plus it shows that you trust him?Not easy at all to find the balance, but it gets easier.
I want to thank everyone who has contributed to the thread and emailed me to date - I said in my first post I knew PH could deliver and it has significantly, at what has undoubtedly been the most stressful period of my life so far.
Now that the urgency of the situation and need for legal awareness has subsided I wondered if its worth having it moved to The Lounge (if I dare) so as not to clog up SP&L with irrelevance.
Now that the urgency of the situation and need for legal awareness has subsided I wondered if its worth having it moved to The Lounge (if I dare) so as not to clog up SP&L with irrelevance.
Update - the leased car has been returned intact. No contact with ex - my mother is liaising with her on anything childcare related as she is assisting me directly. I can't bear to see/hear/talk to her.
Apparently the new fellow has gone out and bought her a 7 year old Merc ML - this is the woman that gave me 3 years of ear bashing when I bought her a new X5 in 2012 because it was 'far too big'
Overall I've been in a more positive mindset but have had a few down moments this week - I seem to be going through periods of anger for what she did over the length of time concerned. I heard from a parent at school that various people had 'known' what was going on i.e. it had been talk of the playground, which made me feel like a fool for being the last person around here to find out what was happening in his home and marriage.
My stepson has stayed with me for most of half term and has indicated he wants to base himself here for the summer holidays, which I find very touching. I've accrued sufficient air miles and a companion voucher to fly us both first anywhere so I'm thinking of taking him in the summer to visit some friends and relatives in the Western US. As well as Germany next week I've booked a trip to Belgium at the end of June. I'm trying to just stay busy.
Went out for a morning walk today in the sun, taking in the sunshine, birdsong and stunning countryside views right on my doorstep, and felt very glad to be where I am right now. First time I've walked ~800 meters without a stick, in 10 weeks!
Apparently the new fellow has gone out and bought her a 7 year old Merc ML - this is the woman that gave me 3 years of ear bashing when I bought her a new X5 in 2012 because it was 'far too big'
Overall I've been in a more positive mindset but have had a few down moments this week - I seem to be going through periods of anger for what she did over the length of time concerned. I heard from a parent at school that various people had 'known' what was going on i.e. it had been talk of the playground, which made me feel like a fool for being the last person around here to find out what was happening in his home and marriage.
My stepson has stayed with me for most of half term and has indicated he wants to base himself here for the summer holidays, which I find very touching. I've accrued sufficient air miles and a companion voucher to fly us both first anywhere so I'm thinking of taking him in the summer to visit some friends and relatives in the Western US. As well as Germany next week I've booked a trip to Belgium at the end of June. I'm trying to just stay busy.
Went out for a morning walk today in the sun, taking in the sunshine, birdsong and stunning countryside views right on my doorstep, and felt very glad to be where I am right now. First time I've walked ~800 meters without a stick, in 10 weeks!
Edited by theboss on Friday 3rd June 09:27
theboss said:
Went out for a morning walk today in the sun, taking in the sunshine, birdsong and stunning countryside views right on my doorstep, and felt very glad to be where I am right now. First time I've walked ~800 meters without a stick, in 10 weeks!
Sounds like you're making great progress. Well done. Slightly off topic, but related to the quote. I did exactly the same last week, just stood and breathed in the fresh air, looked at the colours around me, the scenery and listened to all the noises. It's something most people take for granted every day but oddly it struck me at that moment how lucky I am to be able to do it. It was almost therapeutic.
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