Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
Totally mindful of their likely agenda but on the other hand I can't ignore what they are saying.
They have described in many ways what I'd assumed worst case... he looks like a pisshead and the pair of them took every bottle of vodka from my kitchen only for my stepsom to inform me that they "didn't last long" in the new house.
The guys wife said they had a volatile relationship and that he was generally prone to getting pissed and then losing his temper.
My ex took kids passports and birth certs so in order to invoke a disclosure I believe I need to order copies of the latter.
I could at this point inform the kids school and see if there is anything they suggest?
The really stupid thing, if true, is that the ex played the "he was aggressive" card against me to her friends and family, when the reality is I'm soft and the kids have had a very sheltered upbringing. If any of the above turns out to be true then they'll all be in for a big shock at some point, and a miserable one at that.
They have described in many ways what I'd assumed worst case... he looks like a pisshead and the pair of them took every bottle of vodka from my kitchen only for my stepsom to inform me that they "didn't last long" in the new house.
The guys wife said they had a volatile relationship and that he was generally prone to getting pissed and then losing his temper.
My ex took kids passports and birth certs so in order to invoke a disclosure I believe I need to order copies of the latter.
I could at this point inform the kids school and see if there is anything they suggest?
The really stupid thing, if true, is that the ex played the "he was aggressive" card against me to her friends and family, when the reality is I'm soft and the kids have had a very sheltered upbringing. If any of the above turns out to be true then they'll all be in for a big shock at some point, and a miserable one at that.
Edited by theboss on Saturday 4th June 06:57
theboss said:
Totally mindful of their likely agenda but on the other hand I can't ignore what they are saying.
They have described in many ways what I'd assumed worst case... he looks like a pisshead and the pair of them took every bottle of vodka from my kitchen only for my stepsom to inform me that they "didn't last long" in the new house.
The guys wife said they had a volatile relationship and that he was generally prone to getting pissed and then losing his temper.
My ex took kids passports and birth certs so in order to invoke a disclosure I believe I need to order copies of the latter.
I could at this point inform the kids school and see if there is anything they suggest?
If you're concerned for their immediate safety, I'd get in touch with child services. It will be on their records if there has been any previous domestic incidents. The school isn't a bad idea, child services would liaise with them too.They have described in many ways what I'd assumed worst case... he looks like a pisshead and the pair of them took every bottle of vodka from my kitchen only for my stepsom to inform me that they "didn't last long" in the new house.
The guys wife said they had a volatile relationship and that he was generally prone to getting pissed and then losing his temper.
My ex took kids passports and birth certs so in order to invoke a disclosure I believe I need to order copies of the latter.
I could at this point inform the kids school and see if there is anything they suggest?
theboss said:
Totally mindful of their likely agenda but on the other hand I can't ignore what they are saying.
The really stupid thing, if true, is that the ex played the "he was aggressive" card against me to her friends and family, when the reality is I'm soft and the kids have had a very sheltered upbringing. If any of the above turns out to be true then they'll all be in for a big shock at some point, and a miserable one at that.
Playing devils advocate,what's to say his ex is not just saying the same to you that he is aggressive when in reality he is as soft as you are? The really stupid thing, if true, is that the ex played the "he was aggressive" card against me to her friends and family, when the reality is I'm soft and the kids have had a very sheltered upbringing. If any of the above turns out to be true then they'll all be in for a big shock at some point, and a miserable one at that.
Edited by theboss on Saturday 4th June 06:57
theboss said:
My ex took kids passports and birth certs so in order to invoke a disclosure I believe I need to order copies of the latter.
You can order copies of birth certificates from here:http://www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/
Normally pretty quick, and they have a premium service so you can have it next day if needed really quickly.
PH XKR said:
littlebasher said:
PH XKR said:
Why not invite them round for dinner? You never know, you might end up with a new family.
Unless she's a biffa 
HTH
GCH said:
theboss said:
My ex took kids passports and birth certs so in order to invoke a disclosure I believe I need to order copies of the latter.
You can order copies of birth certificates from here:http://www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/
Normally pretty quick, and they have a premium service so you can have it next day if needed really quickly.
OP - Having been a child in a household where an alcoholic step father was involved, I just hope everything works out OK for your kids, and you as well...
Vaud said:
motco said:
Actually, according to Google, the chest custard was on Scoobynet...
No, it was on here IIRC. Scoobynet were kind enough to maintain an archive...My thread titled 'just been offered a threesome' and the ensuing pictorial depiction with many implements, alcohol, videos etc didn't get me into too much trouble.....
I was having a particularly hard time then, so the mods where kind enough to delete all of my posts and threads from that 3 months period.
Wish Scoobynet saved it.
Obviously, take a large pinch of salt with anything they say. I'd recommend to your ex that she should be the one requesting the disclosure on her new partner. A responsible parent wouldn't refuse such a request, and it's better than you requesting disclosure on him and then causing a stir when you get the results. Better to keep her in the picture from the start and not lead her to feel like you've done it behind her back. If she refuses, then you tell her that you'll make the request yourself.
Of course what's likely to happen is that she'll tell new bloke about the impending checks on his back ground, and he starts spinning a yarn about how 'there was this one time, when we had an argument and she had me arrested, but it wasn't my fault" to soften the ground.
Can't remember if you've mentioned it already, but is your missus a moderate/heavy drinker? That could be bad news if they are both riding the alcohol wagon together. It's also quite possible that his ex was just as much of a drinker and that their domestics weren't so one sided.
As you've already found out, it's not unusual for an ex partner to tell untruths about you/your relationship. It's either to justify their straying/leaving (to themselves as much as anyone else), or to avenge the defecting partner.
Throughout my relationship with my ex she was telling people all sorts of things (unbeknown to me) about how I treated her badly, was controlling, abusive etc. My ex was very sociable and outgoing (too sociable as it turned out), and I'm more on the quiet side, so I didn't notice her friends and people we vaguely know giving me a wide berth. Eventually, (and we're talking years) most of them figured out what was really going on, and she ended up with very few friends left.
Of course what's likely to happen is that she'll tell new bloke about the impending checks on his back ground, and he starts spinning a yarn about how 'there was this one time, when we had an argument and she had me arrested, but it wasn't my fault" to soften the ground.
Can't remember if you've mentioned it already, but is your missus a moderate/heavy drinker? That could be bad news if they are both riding the alcohol wagon together. It's also quite possible that his ex was just as much of a drinker and that their domestics weren't so one sided.
As you've already found out, it's not unusual for an ex partner to tell untruths about you/your relationship. It's either to justify their straying/leaving (to themselves as much as anyone else), or to avenge the defecting partner.
Throughout my relationship with my ex she was telling people all sorts of things (unbeknown to me) about how I treated her badly, was controlling, abusive etc. My ex was very sociable and outgoing (too sociable as it turned out), and I'm more on the quiet side, so I didn't notice her friends and people we vaguely know giving me a wide berth. Eventually, (and we're talking years) most of them figured out what was really going on, and she ended up with very few friends left.
mjb1 said:
Obviously, take a large pinch of salt with anything they say. I'd recommend to your ex that she should be the one requesting the disclosure on her new partner. A responsible parent wouldn't refuse such a request, and it's better than you requesting disclosure on him and then causing a stir when you get the results. Better to keep her in the picture from the start and not lead her to feel like you've done it behind her back. If she refuses, then you tell her that you'll make the request yourself.
Unfortunately though, the ex has not behaved reasonably or responsibly in just taking the kids and shacking them up with a bloke who is clearly inherently untrustworthy to whom she has played the role of mistress. She has placed an incredible amount of trust in her own judgement at a time in which she believes the sun shines out of his arse.When she first left I questioned his background and whether she had sought any sort of background check and she replied "don't be silly". You know - because she loves him so he must be a nice man.
This is a woman who would always pride herself on putting children first and who had begun to pursue training for a teaching career.
If anything his family are telling me is vaguely true, she has potentially made a misjudgment of monumental proportions actively inviting a snake into the nest, so to speak.
To answer earlier questions, the ex neither drinks or smokes - the new guy does both very heavily which is a shock to me. He is a rough looking bugger quite a lot older than her and looks older than he is - you'd assume she was young enough to be his daughter. His own ex looks similarly 'hardened' and I'm sure she gave as good as she got - but that worries me more in a way because whilst she'll be used to standing her ground my own ex would be totally out of her depth if he did ever turn nasty.
I've spoken to the police also - no more to say on that.
theboss said:
To answer earlier questions, the ex neither drinks or smokes - the new guy does both very heavily which is a shock to me. He is a rough looking bugger quite a lot older than her and looks older than he is - you'd assume she was young enough to be his daughter. His own ex looks similarly 'hardened' and I'm sure she gave as good as she got - but that worries me more in a way because whilst she'll be used to standing her ground my own ex would be totally out of her depth if he did ever turn nasty.
They say no good dead goes unpunished and this is yet another example of this. You thought you were doing the best for her by providing for her and giving her a nice car but unfortunately you made life too easy for her. She was bored, mistook this boredom for unhappiness and lost all respect for you. She then went looking for attention and a bit of excitement and found it with this guy. All the while she was sneaking around behind your back and secretly messaging this guy she felt the excitement she was craving and felt alive for the first time in years. This is known as the affair fog, her brain was releasing dopamine and she thought the excitement would never end.
Trust me, in a years time when she realises what this guy is really like and the excitement wears off she will realise what a mistake she has made. You will start getting the "I miss you" messages and she will see if she can keep you as a plan B/C backup. Unfortunately she will not have remembered what an amazing guy you are, she will want back the easy lifestyle she had with you.
http://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2014/09/03/affa...
theboss said:
I've spoken to the police also - no more to say on that.
If you're struggling to get through to the right department/are getting fobbed off, feel free to fire me a PM with what area you're in and I'll dig out the direct contact details for the relevant Public Protection Unit when I'm next in on Wednesday afternoon if that's any use to you.Dibble said:
theboss said:
I've spoken to the police also - no more to say on that.
If you're struggling to get through to the right department/are getting fobbed off, feel free to fire me a PM with what area you're in and I'll dig out the direct contact details for the relevant Public Protection Unit when I'm next in on Wednesday afternoon if that's any use to you.Its been a very interesting few days. Four weeks in, and the children are now starting to tell me they don't want to go back there.
theboss said:
Dibble said:
theboss said:
I've spoken to the police also - no more to say on that.
If you're struggling to get through to the right department/are getting fobbed off, feel free to fire me a PM with what area you're in and I'll dig out the direct contact details for the relevant Public Protection Unit when I'm next in on Wednesday afternoon if that's any use to you.Its been a very interesting few days. Four weeks in, and the children are now starting to tell me they don't want to go back there.
stuttgartmetal said:
Stay strong
Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground
Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it
Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.
Wow. I think this is the single most well thought out and useful post I've ever seen on here.Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground
Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it
Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.
Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 6th May 08:45
Pothole said:
stuttgartmetal said:
Stay strong
Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground
Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it
Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.
Wow. I think this is the single most well thought out and useful post I've ever seen on here.Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground
Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it
Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.
Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 6th May 08:45
Brief update for anyone who was interested in the original thread.
Stepson returned well and truly to my home several months ago and unfortunately does not have much ongoing contact with his mother. We just had an epic holiday in the Western US and feel very closely bonded. I'm helping him move forward with his academic plans in light of his GCSE results yesterday.
My two children have been spending their time split 50/50 between the two homes and this has worked very well. Until recently when the ex decided to unilaterally impose her new plans for majority residence with her - coincidentally at about the same time she realised that the child maintenance service takes shared care into account. This has resulted in a disagreement and now in a bizarre twist a spurious and potentially very damaging allegation has been made towards one of my relatives with social services having to interview the children. She has simultaneously blocked access to the children and we're heading swiftly towards my application for a family court order. Can't say any more about this aspect of the situation but needless to say it's very distressing.
A lot has happened meanwhile and the woman really could have a "PH mental" thread of her very own - there is far too much to go into in detail.
I am enjoying a blossoming relationship with my 'young admirer' who has met my children and won immense approval, which also seems to have riled the ex somewhat.
Stepson returned well and truly to my home several months ago and unfortunately does not have much ongoing contact with his mother. We just had an epic holiday in the Western US and feel very closely bonded. I'm helping him move forward with his academic plans in light of his GCSE results yesterday.
My two children have been spending their time split 50/50 between the two homes and this has worked very well. Until recently when the ex decided to unilaterally impose her new plans for majority residence with her - coincidentally at about the same time she realised that the child maintenance service takes shared care into account. This has resulted in a disagreement and now in a bizarre twist a spurious and potentially very damaging allegation has been made towards one of my relatives with social services having to interview the children. She has simultaneously blocked access to the children and we're heading swiftly towards my application for a family court order. Can't say any more about this aspect of the situation but needless to say it's very distressing.
A lot has happened meanwhile and the woman really could have a "PH mental" thread of her very own - there is far too much to go into in detail.
I am enjoying a blossoming relationship with my 'young admirer' who has met my children and won immense approval, which also seems to have riled the ex somewhat.
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