Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
Best of luck! She seems to have fallen between the branches and needs to reach out for the closest remaining one.
Remorse for what? Cheating? Or for having fecked it all up by her own actions? If you took here back would she respect it, or would she think that you're weak?
Been there, heard that and the tearful conversations... Moved on.
Remorse for what? Cheating? Or for having fecked it all up by her own actions? If you took here back would she respect it, or would she think that you're weak?
Been there, heard that and the tearful conversations... Moved on.
motco said:
ali_kat said:
Once again, I'm ashamed to be the same sex as your ex
Some people are just s
ts, the fact that they share an attribute with you is neither here nor there. Make sure your logical, rational brain stays in control.
She might be genuinely sorry and remorseful for what she has done. But she might also be looking for an easy life.
It's entirely *your* choice as to how much you let her back into your life.
Remember to occasionally put yourself outside the situation; if it was your best mate in this situation; what would be advising him to do?
She might be genuinely sorry and remorseful for what she has done. But she might also be looking for an easy life.
It's entirely *your* choice as to how much you let her back into your life.
Remember to occasionally put yourself outside the situation; if it was your best mate in this situation; what would be advising him to do?
OP...I would suggest that the human emotion (not just female, but male as well) or way of thinking, is throw everything at the apology. She's horribly embarrassed, feeling utterly vulnerable and probably sick with rejection and so will more than likely say or do anything that will get a positive result; FOR HER. Sadly she will (continue to) use the kids as pawns as has already been demonstrated by her recent actions.
Reading through the whole thread i'm aghast how people have the capacity to continually amaze me. Taking what you've written and reported in the last year as correct; a big, big well done to you sir and for keeping your dignity.
My next sentence is therefore probably akin to offering Messrs Koenigsegg & Pagani advice on building their next supercars; once rejection is understood (acceptance is difficult), anger, bitterness, revenge and ultimately finding someone to blame for this whole sordid mess will be the next order of the day. This day, as i suspect you know, will come.
Kids are mouldable by parents but as they grow to adults they nearly always suss it out for what it is and what really happened.
Reading through the whole thread i'm aghast how people have the capacity to continually amaze me. Taking what you've written and reported in the last year as correct; a big, big well done to you sir and for keeping your dignity.
My next sentence is therefore probably akin to offering Messrs Koenigsegg & Pagani advice on building their next supercars; once rejection is understood (acceptance is difficult), anger, bitterness, revenge and ultimately finding someone to blame for this whole sordid mess will be the next order of the day. This day, as i suspect you know, will come.
Kids are mouldable by parents but as they grow to adults they nearly always suss it out for what it is and what really happened.
- *One of my ex-good friends (female) did this to her husband in very startlingly similar circumstances over 10 years ago. From her own mouth he was the innocent party and she was just "bored", but that was 10 years on. Her and her fancy man (ex-boss) departed on not too good terms)***
theboss said:
I am dubious of her motive because it seems to be a statement of "I know I've fked it all up and feel guilty all of a sudden now things are getting tough" rather than any real remorse.
Guilty? Self-pity would be my guess.ked it all up and feel guilty all of a sudden now things are getting tough" rather than any real remorse.theboss said:
Seeing and interacting with her face to face has felt like opening up a nearly healed wound - a big jolt to the system and its left me feeling deeply unsettled whereas I was previously feeling secure.
Goes with the territory I'm afraid. It seems a contradiction in terms but the self-absorbed frequently have this remarkable ability to externalise when it comes to perceiving and exploiting others' good nature.I would venture to suggest the one who is most vulnerable here is your step son. Having to cope with this situation is hard enough as it is, but doing so during the most critical development phase of his life (mid teens) will go one of two ways. He will either grow up really fast or get derailed. I nearly crashed and burned but luckily for me there was someone else around who was able to stop me.
Do your best to stay detached and rational. It's the only reliable countermeasure. When you're on a roller coaster ride (which, judging by what you have posted to date, is still in its early stages time wise
) there will be many ups and downs before the train stops. You can but focus on where the guard rail is and hang on tight. Hope it all works out for you as you would wish it to. Devil2575 said:
motco said:
ali_kat said:
Once again, I'm ashamed to be the same sex as your ex
Some people are just s
ts, the fact that they share an attribute with you is neither here nor there. 
That.
I'd be ashamed to share any chosen attribute - membership of a club etc - with someone who conducted themself like that, but anything that's out of either of your control is irrelevant. I have/had quite a number of (unchosen!) things in common with delights like former Israeli president Ariel Sharon, his decisions were his own.
Rick101 said:
Don't even let her in the house. This is the start of her manipulating her way back in.
Do you think if you had done the same you would be welcome in her kitchen for a chat?
I'm going to take a slightly different stance on this. Do you think if you had done the same you would be welcome in her kitchen for a chat?
She is still the mother of your children and this will not change no matter how much of a b
h she has been/is.Always take the high road, remain on good terms and never get drawn into a tit for tat mentality.
If you are resolute about your feelings then she cannot manipulate her way back in, but she will always be a part of your life. Never forget that the people who are going to be most hurt by this are the children.
Devil2575 said:
I'm going to take a slightly different stance on this.
She is still the mother of your children and this will not change no matter how much of a bh she has been/is.
Always take the high road, remain on good terms and never get drawn into a tit for tat mentality.
If you are resolute about your feelings then she cannot manipulate her way back in, but she will always be a part of your life. Never forget that the people who are going to be most hurt by this are the children.
Good advice imo.She is still the mother of your children and this will not change no matter how much of a b
h she has been/is.Always take the high road, remain on good terms and never get drawn into a tit for tat mentality.
If you are resolute about your feelings then she cannot manipulate her way back in, but she will always be a part of your life. Never forget that the people who are going to be most hurt by this are the children.
stuartmmcfc said:
Devil2575 said:
I'm going to take a slightly different stance on this.
She is still the mother of your children and this will not change no matter how much of a bh she has been/is.
Always take the high road, remain on good terms and never get drawn into a tit for tat mentality.
If you are resolute about your feelings then she cannot manipulate her way back in, but she will always be a part of your life. Never forget that the people who are going to be most hurt by this are the children.
Good advice imo.She is still the mother of your children and this will not change no matter how much of a b
h she has been/is.Always take the high road, remain on good terms and never get drawn into a tit for tat mentality.
If you are resolute about your feelings then she cannot manipulate her way back in, but she will always be a part of your life. Never forget that the people who are going to be most hurt by this are the children.
Thankyou. Well I reckon they had an argument last week and have since made up because yesterday after all the fuss and tears she dropped the kids with me earlier than planned and seems to have now buggered off until the weekend. All these childless days are astonishing - she has only had them for one weekend in two months!
On the other hand she seemed petrified of the looming court hearing, has no appetite for legal costs and has now agreed to the equal shared care routine I have proposed. She wants me to drop the proceedings but I have said she must turn up, unrepresented if she has no money, so we can have the arrangements formalised at the first hearing. Funny how her attitude has changed a little since two months ago when she was unilaterally reducing my contact and making damaging SS allegations.
She seems inherently very weak in all this.
I told her I want the order to be official rather than changeable at her whim, that I want stability and consistency without any dicking around on her part, and with scope for enforcement if necessary. I also explained I wanted a paper record which will show my children when they are old enough to understand, that I was there for them 100%
She also made a number of disclosures whilst her guard was lowered, which are of interest to the other wife who has now commenced financial remedy proceedings. The OW has also switched solicitors on my recommendation, so the guilty pair are essentially under attack twice by the same family team
which should if nothing else compell them to be consistent when it comes to financial disclosure.
Yes she's the mother of my children, regretably but the OW and I want to nail them to the fking wall. The other guy hasn't seen or offered to financially support his three children in 6 months.
On the other hand she seemed petrified of the looming court hearing, has no appetite for legal costs and has now agreed to the equal shared care routine I have proposed. She wants me to drop the proceedings but I have said she must turn up, unrepresented if she has no money, so we can have the arrangements formalised at the first hearing. Funny how her attitude has changed a little since two months ago when she was unilaterally reducing my contact and making damaging SS allegations.
She seems inherently very weak in all this.
I told her I want the order to be official rather than changeable at her whim, that I want stability and consistency without any dicking around on her part, and with scope for enforcement if necessary. I also explained I wanted a paper record which will show my children when they are old enough to understand, that I was there for them 100%
She also made a number of disclosures whilst her guard was lowered, which are of interest to the other wife who has now commenced financial remedy proceedings. The OW has also switched solicitors on my recommendation, so the guilty pair are essentially under attack twice by the same family team
which should if nothing else compell them to be consistent when it comes to financial disclosure.Yes she's the mother of my children, regretably but the OW and I want to nail them to the f
king wall. The other guy hasn't seen or offered to financially support his three children in 6 months.Edited by theboss on Tuesday 25th October 20:56
theboss said:
Thankyou. Well I reckon they had an argument last week and have since made up because yesterday after all the fuss and tears she dropped the kids with me earlier than planned and seems to have now buggered off until the weekend. All these childless days are astonishing - she has only had them for one weekend in two months!
On the other hand she seemed petrified of the looming court hearing, has no appetite for legal costs and has now agreed to the equal shared care routine I have proposed. She wants me to drop the proceedings but I have said she must turn up, unrepresented if she has no money, so we can have the arrangements formalised at the first hearing. Funny how her attitude has changed a little since two months ago when she was unilaterally reducing my contact and making damaging SS allegations.
She seems inherently very weak in all this.
I told her I want the order to be official rather than at her discretion, that I want stability and consistency without any dicking around on her part, and with scope for enforcement if necessary. I also explained I wanted a paper record which will show my children when they are old enough to understand, that I was there for them 100%
She also made a number of disclosures whilst her guard was lowered, which are of interest to the other wife who has now commenced financial remedy proceedings. The OW has also switched solicitors on my recommendation, so the guilty pair are essentially under attack twice by the same family team which should if nothing else compell them to be consistent when it comes to financial disclosure.
Do not compromise on having the order. Having your children abducted is fOn the other hand she seemed petrified of the looming court hearing, has no appetite for legal costs and has now agreed to the equal shared care routine I have proposed. She wants me to drop the proceedings but I have said she must turn up, unrepresented if she has no money, so we can have the arrangements formalised at the first hearing. Funny how her attitude has changed a little since two months ago when she was unilaterally reducing my contact and making damaging SS allegations.
She seems inherently very weak in all this.
I told her I want the order to be official rather than at her discretion, that I want stability and consistency without any dicking around on her part, and with scope for enforcement if necessary. I also explained I wanted a paper record which will show my children when they are old enough to understand, that I was there for them 100%
She also made a number of disclosures whilst her guard was lowered, which are of interest to the other wife who has now commenced financial remedy proceedings. The OW has also switched solicitors on my recommendation, so the guilty pair are essentially under attack twice by the same family team
which should if nothing else compell them to be consistent when it comes to financial disclosure.Edited by theboss on Tuesday 25th October 20:51
king awful. Ask me how I know!!The terms of it are negotiable, but you must have one. The police and SS did not give two s
ts as I didn't have one originally.pedromorgan said:
I have spent a good hour deciding weather to write this.
Have you thought of forgiving her?
Actually yes. A part of me still wishes I could wake up tomorrow morning and forget the last two years (affair duration) ever happened. We were happy as a family and I would give anything to have that backz But that would require her to be truly sorry, she'd have to prove herself probably by being alone for a period if time and she would have to bend over backwards to convince me she truly wanted to be with me. Instead the apologetic stance lasted a few days then she began repeating her justifications that I'd been such a less than perfect husband and father, and fHave you thought of forgiving her?
ked off for a dirty week with her lover whilst I look after our three children, keep the kitchen clean and manage to do some work at the same time.Somehow I don't think it would work out.
I reckon she has a lot further to fall though. I can assure you all I will not be here to forgive her when she does.
jshell said:
Best of luck! She seems to have fallen between the branches and needs to reach out for the closest remaining one.
Remorse for what? Cheating? Or for having fecked it all up by her own actions? If you took here back would she respect it, or would she think that you're weak?
Been there, heard that and the tearful conversations... Moved on.
As you will know, you're not alone there by a very long shot, longer than an extremely long thing.Remorse for what? Cheating? Or for having fecked it all up by her own actions? If you took here back would she respect it, or would she think that you're weak?
Been there, heard that and the tearful conversations... Moved on.
John Webster in The White Devil said:
There's nothing sooner dry than women's tears.
theboss said:
Actually yes. A part of me still wishes I could wake up tomorrow morning and forget the last two years (affair duration) ever happened. We were happy as a family and I would give anything to have that backz But that would require her to be truly sorry, she'd have to prove herself probably by being alone for a period if time and she would have to bend over backwards to convince me she truly wanted to be with me. Instead the apologetic stance lasted a few days then she began repeating her justifications that I'd been such a less than perfect husband and father, and fked off for a dirty week with her lover whilst I look after our three children, keep the kitchen clean and manage to do some work at the same time.
Somehow I don't think it would work out.
I reckon she has a lot further to fall though. I can assure you all I will not be here to forgive her when she does.
To pedromorgan (forgot to quote) Would you advise a beaten wife to take her husband back? Unless of course you mean forgiving but not letting her back.ked off for a dirty week with her lover whilst I look after our three children, keep the kitchen clean and manage to do some work at the same time.Somehow I don't think it would work out.
I reckon she has a lot further to fall though. I can assure you all I will not be here to forgive her when she does.
Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.
Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.
Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.
DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!
Good luck staying strong.
Edited by McGraw on Wednesday 26th October 12:32
theboss said:
Update to the thread... first I want to say I re-read this whole thread recently over a bottle of wine and was just bowled over by the responses, many of which I think i could hardly take in at the time when everything was happening. I am truly grateful. I received a lot of PM too and I am equally grateful for them.
You come to PH looking for help with a dealer who sold you a car, you'll most likely get flamed into oblivion. You come here, with a genuinely heartbreaking case like yours; and you'll get the good side of PH come out.When I saw this thread on page 1, I jumped at the chance of an update. I'm so happy that it's a positive one, so to speak. The lack of emotion on her part is for show. People that are hurting the most (I suspect she knew almost instantly upon moving in with said chap, that she'd make a huge mistake) will play the bravado card the longest and the hardest.
Don't you dare say you feel sorry for her. I felt sorry for my cheating ex and took her back. With the promises of things will change and she didn't know why she'd done it, not only did I find out whilst telling me this, she was still cheating, but that the number of guys she'd slept with beforehand was far higher than she had admitted.
She wants you to feel sorry for her, it's what sociopaths do. She's not sorry for the heartache, stress, grief and all the other negative emotions that she's caused you, she's sorry that her new fling didn't work out. That is all. My mistake was that I kept meeting her 'to talk'. That opened the wound, and led me down the path of 'I would feel better and it would be easier if I took her back.' That's a completely short-term fix and totally counter intuitive. You admitted she's emotionally weak and needy. So what happens the next time she feels like she needs a little more attention.
I know you're not saying anything hinting towards the fact you want her back, but don't let her try and weasel her way back in. I lost a full year to depression because I kept getting more hurt and taking her back. Now I look back at that year and I actually laugh. I don't laugh at the depression, that was the single most horrendous thing I can imagine. But I laugh at the fact that I was depressed because of someone like that. It seriously wasn't worth it.
And do not compromise in having the order. She sounds very manipulative. What happens if you agree to a vocal arrangement, then once their financial turmoil is over, she blasts you with both barrels with a decent lawyer.
Stay on course with your blossoming relationship. Your kids are the most important. She is nothing. He is nothing.
theboss said:
pedromorgan said:
I have spent a good hour deciding weather to write this.
Have you thought of forgiving her?
Actually yes. A part of me still wishes I could wake up tomorrow morning and forget the last two years (affair duration) ever happened. We were happy as a family and I would give anything to have that backz But that would require her to be truly sorry, she'd have to prove herself probably by being alone for a period if time and she would have to bend over backwards to convince me she truly wanted to be with me. Instead the apologetic stance lasted a few days then she began repeating her justifications that I'd been such a less than perfect husband and father, and fHave you thought of forgiving her?
ked off for a dirty week with her lover whilst I look after our three children, keep the kitchen clean and manage to do some work at the same time.Somehow I don't think it would work out.
I reckon she has a lot further to fall though. I can assure you all I will not be here to forgive her when she does.
From what I've read of your posts on here, you've claimed the high ground in how you've dealt with her (putting the children first, not resorting to tit for tat retaliation under what must've been extreme pressure). Forgiveness will benefit you & your kids far more than her but in the end, everybody wins over time. It's your call though & in your time.
Either way, I hope things improve rapidly from hereon in.
McGraw said:
To pedromorgan (forgot to quote) Would you advise a beaten wife to take her husband back? Unless of course you mean forgiving but not letting her back.
Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.
Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.
Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.
DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!
Good luck staying strong.
Physical violence is not the same as infidelity.Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.
Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.
Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.
DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!
Good luck staying strong.
Edited by McGraw on Wednesday 26th October 12:32
Only the OP can decide if he should take her back or not.
Devil2575 said:
McGraw said:
To pedromorgan (forgot to quote) Would you advise a beaten wife to take her husband back? Unless of course you mean forgiving but not letting her back.
Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.
Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.
Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.
DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!
Good luck staying strong.
Physical violence is not the same as infidelity.Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.
Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.
Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.
DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!
Good luck staying strong.
Edited by McGraw on Wednesday 26th October 12:32
Only the OP can decide if he should take her back or not.
Gassing Station | Speed, Plod & the Law | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff