Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[C70R]

theboss said:

I told her I want the order to be official rather than changeable at her whim, that I want stability and consistency without any dicking around on her part, and with scope for enforcement if necessary. I also explained I wanted a paper record which will show my children when they are old enough to understand, that I was there for them 100%.

This is a very sensible decision in a very emotionally-charged situation. Well done.

[xjay1337]

theboss -

Nice updates.

I will echo general consensus that you should absolutely not in any circumstances get back with her. DO NOT DO IT.

But I will also say remain polite and reasonable with her, this will help in the long term.

[Starfighter]

What is the legal situation with the house?

I would be cautious of letting her in the house in case she decides not to leave and effectively kicks you out.

[theboss]

Starfighter said:

What is the legal situation with the house?

I would be cautious of letting her in the house in case she decides not to leave and effectively kicks you out.

Its a tenancy in my name only... so good luck to her! Worst she could have done if feeling possessive about marital assets, is clutched onto her coffee cup saying "its mine"

[Starfighter]

That is good or to know. Stick at it, you are doing way better that I could.

[pedromorgan]

McGraw said:

To pedromorgan (forgot to quote) Would you advise a beaten wife to take her husband back? Unless of course you mean forgiving but not letting her back.

Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.

Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.

Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.

DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!

Good luck staying strong.

Edited by McGraw on Wednesday 26th October 12:32

I guess I am hard wired to try and see the best in people and advocate forgiveness whenever possible.
I am also a total sucker for hard luck women who are down on their luck and the thought of her standing on the doorstep balling her eyes out is pretty unpleasant.

I never said it would be possible to forget. But they must have married for a reason. despite everything that's happened, that reason might have still been there.

I have seen something similar from the child's point of view.

I thought it was worth 2 lines on a forum anyway.

[theboss]

pedromorgan said:

McGraw said:

To pedromorgan (forgot to quote) Would you advise a beaten wife to take her husband back? Unless of course you mean forgiving but not letting her back.

Not much different here apart from emotional pain vs physical.

Please do not let her worm her way back in beyond the necessary cilivilty for the sake of the kids...she has absolutely put you through the mill and only gives the slightest of sheets now that her own life is under immense pressure.

Anyway, she wouldn't stay around and you can't ever forget these things.

DON'T TAKE HER BACK!!!!

Good luck staying strong.

Edited by McGraw on Wednesday 26th October 12:32

I guess I am hard wired to try and see the best in people and advocate forgiveness whenever possible.
I am also a total sucker for hard luck women who are down on their luck and the thought of her standing on the doorstep balling her eyes out is pretty unpleasant.

I never said it would be possible to forget. But they must have married for a reason. despite everything that's happened, that reason might have still been there.

I have seen something similar from the child's point of view.

I thought it was worth 2 lines on a forum anyway.

Its a view that I respect. Only a few friends, and my mother, have advocated forgiveness if it is even remotely possible - most have a very hard line. We were a very happy family unit only a few years back, and my wishes and dreams revolved around our future. I realise what emotional affairs can do to the brain of even a previously robust, level-headed person. If she were *truly* sorry and willing to do absolutely anything to work towards restoring what we had then I would sincerely consider doing so - but it would have to be abundantly clear that this was her intention. Rather more cynmically, and sadly realistically, I just see her has somebody who is narcissistic, conniving, desperate and who will do anything for another 'bail out' just as she did 6 months ago but this time in reverse.

[eldar]

pedromorgan said:

I thought it was worth 2 lines on a forum anyway.

It certainly was. Something worthy of consideration and debate.

[Red Devil]

Forgiveness is about the harmful actions which has/have injured the victim/s. It in no way presupposes that the ex has to take her back though. That's his call.
However once trust has gone it it exceedingly difficult to regain it. There will always be that nagging doubt and that can be fatal over the longer term.

[FlyingMeeces]

Red Devil said:

Forgiveness is about the harmful actions which has/have injured the victim/s. It in no way presupposes that the ex has to take her back though. That's his call.
However once trust has gone it it exceedingly difficult to regain it. There will always be that nagging doubt and that can be fatal over the longer term.

I was thinking something rather similar: forgiving might be no longer being angry with the person for what they did, but trusting them again is an entirely different beast and far less wise/likely.

Theboss might achieve a state of no longer being angry with his ex - not something I think I could manage - but he's got far more sense than to trust her again.

[cossy400]

Well done OP.

Whilst I think id be the same as you in terms of if she "truly" wanted to make ago of it.

I would never be able to trust her so there for it would never work.

But we are all built differently, and that can only be your choice.

I whole heartedly agree with you pushing the court proceedings thou so your arse is covered for the future.

[Harrison-91xcg]

Wow.

You have done brilliantly OP.

I wont go into my own story because this is about you. But what I will say is I wish I had someone like you when I was younger, making the right decisions for your kids in extremely tough times deserves more than any OBE or Olympic gold medal.

Terrific stuff.

[SiH]

While I certainly share the general admiration that has been expressed for the way you've handled yourself throughout what must be a very difficult time I do wonder if standards on PH are slipping somewhat. I find it hard to believe that no-one has yet asked for pictures of the other wife!

Seriously though while I don't envy you I certainly have to doff my cap in your direction for the decorum (and also the determination to nail her and the other chap to the wall!) that you've shown so far. Good luck for the future in this, I wish you well.

[stuttgartmetal]

Do you still love her ?
Do you ?
If you do, you'll take her back.
First though, think of what she did to you
Think of what life was like in the eight weeks before she left.
If you do take her back you'll feel enormous relief at first
Honeymoon relief
But believe me, it'll all eventually end up with you question ing yourself.
Move on buddy
It's a tough world
She knows how to press every one of your buttons
She knows exactly what to do
First off you feel bad for how she's making you appear
How the children view you
Playing the helpless downtrodden partner
You feel that your the bad guy in the children's eyes
Your in the middle of it all now
You've still got the court case
And that takes ten years off your life, for sure
Whatever you do, think it through
Talk it through with your best advisor
Look at it all
Whatever you do, do it for you and the kids
If you take her back it'll be really tough
But don't discount the possibility.
There's several outcomes to this
Do what's best for you, and your family.
But don't take your eye off the ball
Your being played at the moment, remember that first.
Your over halfway there
It's tough
Taking her back ends the pain
Ends the worry
But once your there your really back at square one.
And dealing with everything you've been through when you're back with her will take years
It may well end up with you starting the whole process again, with her in the house, and you in a bedsit paying for everything.
Talk it through with your best advisor
Just to add, mitigation is a good option, and a cheaper easier way out
Whatever decision you make in the future stick to it.
Tough tough tough life
Keep going buddy
Just keep going.

[McGraw]

eldar said:

It certainly was. Something worthy of consideration and debate.

I also agree but I sensed that boss might be crumbling and I needed to nip it in the bud.

No good will come out of resolving this...it will eventually go pear shaped again.

She will probably end up blaming you for secretly resenting her if they got back together and thus being the cause of a further affair.

[Jim1556]

Op, if you ever think about taking her back, just read this thread from the start...

She jumped ship, let her swim away! If you throw her a line, she'll end up rocking your boat again and next time it could capsize...

[theboss]

Thanks guys. It's been a hard week because after this emotional jolt, I've had the kids (half term) all week until tomorrow, and the combination of doing everything, working included, has made me yearn for the easy old life somewhat.

The fact she has had them for schooldays only, with childless weekends for the last 2 months, then fked off at the first sign of half term, really just fills me with disgust. She can't even see past the end of his cock far enough to be able to fulfil her most basic instincts as a mother.

Rest assured I'm not letting her anywhere near my life.

I've also arranged a consultantation with a local counsellor specialising in divorce on Monday as I think I could do with some professional help when things seem overwhelming.

Edited by theboss on Friday 28th October 11:54

[singlecoil]

theboss said:

She can't even see past the end of his cock...

Words to conjure with there!

[McGraw]

Having reread the last few comments, it seems that she was looking for a way back in when having a hard time with her new bloke then would probably have just gone back to him again anyway.

unbelievable.

[Sten.]

I've just read the thread from start to finish - much respect to you OP, you've handled a terrible situation as well as you could have. I was beginning to wonder if this thread would end in you not replying again because you'd taken her back.. I'm very glad you didn't go down that road. All the best with your future.