Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
Just finished reading this thread from start to finish in spare moments over the last 24 hours. Have to say OP you seem to have handled the situation and navigated through amazingly, I wish you all the best.
I'm 34 and a contractor, so similar to the OP in that sense, and I like to think I've got my head screwed on right. Having a long term relationship break down is bad enough, BUT seeing how the OP has dealt with the actions of his wife (in the prior 18 months and after she left), PLUS the added stress of being ill, being the sole breadwinner, having kids and step kids, one of whom who has extra needs, all makes me wonder if I would fare so well if it happened to me with even a fraction of the added complication he's had. I suspect not. I sincerely hope I never have to go through anything like that as reading this story frankly scares the s
t out of me. But I guess at the same time does it provide hope for others who may experience similar.
Well done OP for having the balls to share all of this, let's hope it may help others as well as yourself.
I'm 34 and a contractor, so similar to the OP in that sense, and I like to think I've got my head screwed on right. Having a long term relationship break down is bad enough, BUT seeing how the OP has dealt with the actions of his wife (in the prior 18 months and after she left), PLUS the added stress of being ill, being the sole breadwinner, having kids and step kids, one of whom who has extra needs, all makes me wonder if I would fare so well if it happened to me with even a fraction of the added complication he's had. I suspect not. I sincerely hope I never have to go through anything like that as reading this story frankly scares the s
t out of me. But I guess at the same time does it provide hope for others who may experience similar.Well done OP for having the balls to share all of this, let's hope it may help others as well as yourself.
I went through a similar process and made the mistake of giving it another go, alas all it did was delay the inevitable. Occasionally I find myself wondering if things were really that bad........as soon as I hear her voice on the phone demanding something.5 years after full and final settlement it reminds me that yes things were that bad.
You will be targeted by her, as others have said she knows the whereabouts of every button to push. Whatever you do don't spend more than 5 minutes with her when dropping/collecting kids
You will be targeted by her, as others have said she knows the whereabouts of every button to push. Whatever you do don't spend more than 5 minutes with her when dropping/collecting kids
Rangeroverover said:
You will be targeted by her, as others have said she knows the whereabouts of every button to push. Whatever you do don't spend more than 5 minutes with her when dropping/collecting kids
A friend (no, really) found that setting up a dedicated email account and shared spreadsheet (google docs I think) worked for them. Meant that she could keep all correspondence separate, they use the spreadsheet to plan who has the kids and when (no surprises) and they didn't have to talk to each other as much... and it avoided emotion...
Mario149 said:
Just finished reading this thread from start to finish in spare moments over the last 24 hours. Have to say OP you seem to have handled the situation and navigated through amazingly, I wish you all the best.
I'm 34 and a contractor, so similar to the OP in that sense, and I like to think I've got my head screwed on right. Having a long term relationship break down is bad enough, BUT seeing how the OP has dealt with the actions of his wife (in the prior 18 months and after she left), PLUS the added stress of being ill, being the sole breadwinner, having kids and step kids, one of whom who has extra needs, all makes me wonder if I would fare so well if it happened to me with even a fraction of the added complication he's had. I suspect not. I sincerely hope I never have to go through anything like that as reading this story frankly scares the st out of me. But I guess at the same time does it provide hope for others who may experience similar.
Well done OP for having the balls to share all of this, let's hope it may help others as well as yourself.
Thankyou, this is flattering, and in fact when I read back the thread myself recently I couldn't believe how much I'd written when all the sI'm 34 and a contractor, so similar to the OP in that sense, and I like to think I've got my head screwed on right. Having a long term relationship break down is bad enough, BUT seeing how the OP has dealt with the actions of his wife (in the prior 18 months and after she left), PLUS the added stress of being ill, being the sole breadwinner, having kids and step kids, one of whom who has extra needs, all makes me wonder if I would fare so well if it happened to me with even a fraction of the added complication he's had. I suspect not. I sincerely hope I never have to go through anything like that as reading this story frankly scares the s
t out of me. But I guess at the same time does it provide hope for others who may experience similar.Well done OP for having the balls to share all of this, let's hope it may help others as well as yourself.
t was happening at once. It was quite an emotional experience. A lot of posters were absolutely on the money in a way which has only become apparent (to me) as time has unfolded.I am glad others can read about my experiences and hopefully learn from them.
I hope that later in life I will look back at 2016 as a "character building" year rather than anything too deeply negative.
Oh and I'm not sure if I mentioned it in an earlier post, but there is another vital lesson in all this. About 5 years ago not long after our youngest was born, she was adamant I should have a vasectomy. I explicitly remember at this time having an argument in which she accused me of wanting to 'keep my options open' as if I had doubts on our relationship. Eventually I paid for her to have a tubal ligation performed privately instead. In hindsight that may end up being the best £2.5k I ever spent. If anyone reading this is ever being 'bullied' into steriliation by a spouse, go with your instincts.
On the health side of things, a lot has improved, mainly my strength and mobility. I was walking with 2 sticks when I started the thread and could not sit easily let alone bend over or lift anything. I still have probably permanent nerve damage affecting bladder and bowels. As a final piss-boiler, my condition was misdiagnosed at a time critical point of degradation which distuiguishes between recovery and permanent damage. I have a good chance of reaching settlement with the NHS trust concerned (typically high six figures), and hadn't mentioned this incase she read the thread, but she has since indicated she is well aware of the pending legal action and has already insinuated that she may persue her self-declared entitlement to a slice of any pay out. Whilst knowing full well she was f
king her affair partner and setting up their new love nest, during the period of hospitalisation concerned. An important aspect of the legal advice I am receiving concerns mitigation of this risk.Edited by theboss on Friday 28th October 16:37
theboss said:
she has since indicated she is well aware of the pending legal action and has already insinuated that she may persue her self-declared entitlement to a slice of any pay out.
Knowing full well what you've gone through with that CES (the gift that keeps on giving), how completely life changing it is, and how anyone with an ounce of intelligence would swap any amount of money to return to their previous state of health - to try to casdh in on your misery is beyond and below contempt.slow_poke said:
theboss said:
she has since indicated she is well aware of the pending legal action and has already insinuated that she may persue her self-declared entitlement to a slice of any pay out.
Knowing full well what you've gone through with that CES (the gift that keeps on giving), how completely life changing it is, and how anyone with an ounce of intelligence would swap any amount of money to return to their previous state of health - to try to casdh in on your misery is beyond and below contempt.It's selfishness beyond reason but in that sense par for the course.
Having spent the last few hours reading this thread from start to finish, while I don't have anything to add in the way of advice (you seem to have all bases covered in any case), I would just like to give you my heart felt congrats on being an absolute stand up chap.
The courage and determination you have shown throughout this whole ordeal is honestly inspiring.
I've never been through anything remotely like this and hope I don't but if I do I would like to think I'll have the presence of mind to the "What would theboss do?"
Really glad to hear your health and mobility are moving in the right direction - good health is worth more than all the money in the world.
I wish you all the best and hope things keep moving in the right direction!
The courage and determination you have shown throughout this whole ordeal is honestly inspiring.
I've never been through anything remotely like this and hope I don't but if I do I would like to think I'll have the presence of mind to the "What would theboss do?"
Really glad to hear your health and mobility are moving in the right direction - good health is worth more than all the money in the world.
I wish you all the best and hope things keep moving in the right direction!
Followed this thread closely and you honestly sound like you're finally getting your life back / happy.
IANAL
In terms of the compensation, is it compensation for the misdiagnosis or is it compensation for future issues, troubles working etc? My brother in law split from his wife, decided to try again and then split up (again). Day after they split up he had a heart attack and can no longer work as a labourer. His insurance paid out in full due to no longer working etc (unsure exact reason / payout but believe its over 100k)
They are currently arguing over the divorce as she want's this money taking into consideration, but his lawyer seems to think as the payout was after they split and it's for his future (retraining etc) that it can't be included. May be worth having a look into as your ex obviously wasn't there to help you and wont be in future - why the hell should she get a penny!
IANAL
In terms of the compensation, is it compensation for the misdiagnosis or is it compensation for future issues, troubles working etc? My brother in law split from his wife, decided to try again and then split up (again). Day after they split up he had a heart attack and can no longer work as a labourer. His insurance paid out in full due to no longer working etc (unsure exact reason / payout but believe its over 100k)
They are currently arguing over the divorce as she want's this money taking into consideration, but his lawyer seems to think as the payout was after they split and it's for his future (retraining etc) that it can't be included. May be worth having a look into as your ex obviously wasn't there to help you and wont be in future - why the hell should she get a penny!
Been following the thread for a while, interestingly at the start of this thread my relationship appeared to be perfect, and I was reading only with sympathy for the OP - during the course of this thread it became apparent that the same thing was happening to me with my OH! Luckily no kids involved so much more simple.
Unbelievable what people (I won't suggest it is just women - men are the same, as evidenced by the other guy in this story) are capable of. Capable of doing to someone who they once hoped to share the rest of their lives with. I wouldn't wish this emotional pain on my enemies, let alone people I care for.
You've done well OP, the advice from many on this thread has also helped me sort out my own thoughts and feelings. I do love PH sometimes.
Unbelievable what people (I won't suggest it is just women - men are the same, as evidenced by the other guy in this story) are capable of. Capable of doing to someone who they once hoped to share the rest of their lives with. I wouldn't wish this emotional pain on my enemies, let alone people I care for.
You've done well OP, the advice from many on this thread has also helped me sort out my own thoughts and feelings. I do love PH sometimes.
menguin said:
Been following the thread for a while, interestingly at the start of this thread my relationship appeared to be perfect, and I was reading only with sympathy for the OP - during the course of this thread it became apparent that the same thing was happening to me with my OH! Luckily no kids involved so much more simple.
Unbelievable what people (I won't suggest it is just women - men are the same, as evidenced by the other guy in this story) are capable of. Capable of doing to someone who they once hoped to share the rest of their lives with. I wouldn't wish this emotional pain on my enemies, let alone people I care for.
You've done well OP, the advice from many on this thread has also helped me sort out my own thoughts and feelings. I do love PH sometimes.
I'm sorry to hear this. It would indeed be far simpler if children were not involved - I'd have just moved away and been glad never to have to set eyes upon her again. It would be much easier to move on.Unbelievable what people (I won't suggest it is just women - men are the same, as evidenced by the other guy in this story) are capable of. Capable of doing to someone who they once hoped to share the rest of their lives with. I wouldn't wish this emotional pain on my enemies, let alone people I care for.
You've done well OP, the advice from many on this thread has also helped me sort out my own thoughts and feelings. I do love PH sometimes.
Quite a lot happening on my side now - I will update later in November when its clearer which direction this is heading in. The ex is pleading with me to avoid court. Its nice having the ball in my court for once.
theboss said:
On the health side of things, a lot has improved, mainly my strength and mobility. I was walking with 2 sticks when I started the thread and could not sit easily let alone bend over or lift anything. I still have probably permanent nerve damage affecting bladder and bowels. As a final piss-boiler, my condition was misdiagnosed at a time critical point of degradation which distuiguishes between recovery and permanent damage. I have a good chance of reaching settlement with the NHS trust concerned (typically high six figures), and hadn't mentioned this incase she read the thread, but she has since indicated she is well aware of the pending legal action and has already insinuated that she may persue her self-declared entitlement to a slice of any pay out. Whilst knowing full well she was fking her affair partner and setting up their new love nest, during the period of hospitalisation concerned. An important aspect of the legal advice I am receiving concerns mitigation of this risk.
I'm a bit of a softy at heart. I can bring myself to understand and forgive a lot of things... and if I was cheated on, I could see myself eventually forgiving the offending person. People are entitled to chase after their own happiness. king her affair partner and setting up their new love nest, during the period of hospitalisation concerned. An important aspect of the legal advice I am receiving concerns mitigation of this risk.Edited by theboss on Friday 28th October 16:37
But I draw the line at this. I couldn't forgive someone for chasing after money this shamelessly and blatantly. It's your money, deserved for having your life made much harder by inadequate care. She deserves not a penny of it.
Hard to know where to start with this update. Everything has come around full circle, much of which was predictable to friends and PHers early in the whole debacle.
Just after my last post (early Nov) the wife very suddenly broke. It started with a full scale and very public emotional breakdown in the school playground, in front of all the other parents and staff, in which she sobbed inconsolably on my mother's shoulder saying how sorry she was. The next day she turned up at my house unexpectedly and wanted to talk. I didn't let her in the house but she cried on my doorstep. The other fella was sat in the car at the end of my driveway some distance away watching; she begged me not to tell him anything and was obviously trying to hide her tears as she walked back to him. I figured the grass suddenly wasn't looking so greener for her. Not long after that she turned up at 2am saying her new relationship was over - furthermore he held the tenancy of their new lovenest and gave her 24 hours to get her and the kids' belongings out. The kids parting memory was of him shouting aggressively.
At this point I was fked either way - the baying masses of family and close friends essentially told me to take the kids and send her to her mothers - but I didn't, I figured I had to keep working and that it was in the kids' interests for their mother to be functioning, so I let her come back to the marital home and put a roof over her head stating that I'd help her find somewhere to live.
It was very clear at this time that she was absolutely terrified of going to the impending family court hearing and had no means for representation. Our Cafcass safeguarding interviews took place a day or two after she was thrown out of the new home at which time she was an emotional wreck; the subsequent report was very much stacked in my favour, citing the breakdown of her new relationship and further abrupt changes for the kids, versus my calm stability and prioritisation of their welfare. I requested the court postpone the hearing until the new year so she had that axe hanging over her - its since been cancelled.
In the months that have passed since I have returned to having an amicable, friendly relationship with her and we are co-operative on all aspects of childcare. Its almost as if last summer didn't happen. I have helped her rent a home nearby and the kids are happy spending time in either home. She has restored a relationship with her son after hardly seeing him for 6 months last year. I have even let her continue to use the lease car for the remainder of the lease. I am financially supporting her to a degree but this is enabling me to continue working full-time whilst she does the bulk of childcare during the school week - in time I intend to lessen her dependency but for the time being its worth anything to see a sense of calm and stability in the kids lives.
Of course, their relationship failing was attributed to the angry retribution of his wife and I - the legal proceedings from both of us, and consequential financial pressure, the deterioration of their relationships with their own children (his teenage daughters still want nothing to do with him) and so on. They honestly ran off together initially believing it would be blissful and without consequence, and then reality eventually caught up with them.
My children seem happy but are also guarded and slightly distrusting of their mother. An absolute gem from my youngest daughter just a few days ago, now turned eight, her mother said "mother's always know best" and her immediate retort was "well you didn't, did you".
Just after my last post (early Nov) the wife very suddenly broke. It started with a full scale and very public emotional breakdown in the school playground, in front of all the other parents and staff, in which she sobbed inconsolably on my mother's shoulder saying how sorry she was. The next day she turned up at my house unexpectedly and wanted to talk. I didn't let her in the house but she cried on my doorstep. The other fella was sat in the car at the end of my driveway some distance away watching; she begged me not to tell him anything and was obviously trying to hide her tears as she walked back to him. I figured the grass suddenly wasn't looking so greener for her. Not long after that she turned up at 2am saying her new relationship was over - furthermore he held the tenancy of their new lovenest and gave her 24 hours to get her and the kids' belongings out. The kids parting memory was of him shouting aggressively.
At this point I was f
ked either way - the baying masses of family and close friends essentially told me to take the kids and send her to her mothers - but I didn't, I figured I had to keep working and that it was in the kids' interests for their mother to be functioning, so I let her come back to the marital home and put a roof over her head stating that I'd help her find somewhere to live.It was very clear at this time that she was absolutely terrified of going to the impending family court hearing and had no means for representation. Our Cafcass safeguarding interviews took place a day or two after she was thrown out of the new home at which time she was an emotional wreck; the subsequent report was very much stacked in my favour, citing the breakdown of her new relationship and further abrupt changes for the kids, versus my calm stability and prioritisation of their welfare. I requested the court postpone the hearing until the new year so she had that axe hanging over her - its since been cancelled.
In the months that have passed since I have returned to having an amicable, friendly relationship with her and we are co-operative on all aspects of childcare. Its almost as if last summer didn't happen. I have helped her rent a home nearby and the kids are happy spending time in either home. She has restored a relationship with her son after hardly seeing him for 6 months last year. I have even let her continue to use the lease car for the remainder of the lease. I am financially supporting her to a degree but this is enabling me to continue working full-time whilst she does the bulk of childcare during the school week - in time I intend to lessen her dependency but for the time being its worth anything to see a sense of calm and stability in the kids lives.
Of course, their relationship failing was attributed to the angry retribution of his wife and I - the legal proceedings from both of us, and consequential financial pressure, the deterioration of their relationships with their own children (his teenage daughters still want nothing to do with him) and so on. They honestly ran off together initially believing it would be blissful and without consequence, and then reality eventually caught up with them.
My children seem happy but are also guarded and slightly distrusting of their mother. An absolute gem from my youngest daughter just a few days ago, now turned eight, her mother said "mother's always know best" and her immediate retort was "well you didn't, did you".
Edited by theboss on Wednesday 1st February 09:37
It sounds like a pretty reasonable outcome and the sort of thing I'd do. I'm on good terms with my boy's mum and we share his care equally. In spite of what happened before, my priority is stability and a good home life for him so I'm 'happy' to put personal issues aside to make sure he's happy.
I'm sure some family and friends might think I should have acted differently, but ultimately it's up to us to decide what is best for us as well as our dependents. In the long run, you'll be the one that the kids remember standing up and doing what's right. It sounds like they already recognise that.
I'm sure some family and friends might think I should have acted differently, but ultimately it's up to us to decide what is best for us as well as our dependents. In the long run, you'll be the one that the kids remember standing up and doing what's right. It sounds like they already recognise that.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Don't I know it.Unfortunately I just see it as that I can't afford for the mother of my kids to be dysfunctional and falling apart - I'd rather provide some support until they grow up, for their sakes.
There is no next time because we're remaining separated, I will conclude the divorce at some point, and she can do as she pleases. There's no risk of her becoming homeless again because I'm personally paying her rent which renders my 'child support' obligations fulfilled.
If she tries to ever screw the kids around I'll engage the solicitors and won't hesitate to use the court again when necessary, and she knows that. All the crap from last year including her 'nasty' social services allegation will be dragged up in the process.
theboss said:
wise words
I was expecting much worse after I'd read the opening sentence. You've clearly been a very mature adult about this.That being said, I think you ought to be far more guarded about this than it sounds like you're being.. her being back in the marital home means she has physical access to all sorts of things while you're at work. It wouldn't be a great stretch of the imagination to believe, based on her previous behaviour, that she could start taking out credit cards in your name, or whatever to try and "escape" again. Harsh words I'm afraid, but you need to make sure you are fully protected for the sake of your children.
Your 8 year old sounds like she is going to grow up to be an impressive woman.. what an incredibly erudite and withering comment from someone so young.
EDIT: Started editing and got distracted, sorry.
Edited by Durzel on Wednesday 1st February 10:02
theboss said:
In the months that have passed since I have returned to having an amicable, friendly relationship with her and we are co-operative on all aspects of childcare. Its almost as if last summer didn't happen. I have helped her rent a home nearby and the kids are happy spending time in either home. She has restored a relationship with her son after hardly seeing him for 6 months last year. I have even let her continue to use the lease car for the remainder of the lease. I am financially supporting her to a degree but this is enabling me to continue working full-time whilst she does the bulk of childcare during the school week - in time I intend to lessen her dependency but for the time being its worth anything to see a sense of calm and stability in the kids lives.
Well, in the cold light of day that seems like the dream scenario frankly. The other bloke was probably just the 'tool' to get something done that she didn't have the strength to do in a more civilised manner and the last year must have been a bucket of s
te for everyone involved as a result but you've all landed in what looks to be a very logical and workable set up in the end. It seems a perfect end results for the children, she seems obviously happier and I'm sure you feel the best you have done for a long time. I would counter that once you have a routine settled that all are happy with that you do seek to legally formalise it. You need that to protect yourself and the children from the risk of him returning or the almost certain and natural event of someone else appearing in due course. She also needs this so that she can feel safe should you bring someone else into the relationship in the future.
I hope you feel a hell of a lot better now and I hope your children continue to pick up and get back to worrying about more important things like the s
te shoes you are probably doomed to buy them. Durzel said:
I was expecting much worse after I'd read the opening sentence. You've clearly been a very mature adult about this.
That being said, I think you ought to be far more guarded about this than it sounds like you're being.. her being back in the marital home means she has physical access to all sorts of things while you're at work. It wouldn't be a great stretch of the imagination to believe, based on her previous behaviour, that she could start taking out credit cards in your name, or whatever to try and "escape" again. Harsh words I'm afraid, but you need to make sure you are protected for the sake of your children.
Your 8 year old sounds like she is going to grow up to be an impressive woman.. what an incredibly erudite and withering comment from someone so young.
I have been fairly guarded - no paperwork lying around and my PC locked down tightly. I monitor my credit file monthly.That being said, I think you ought to be far more guarded about this than it sounds like you're being.. her being back in the marital home means she has physical access to all sorts of things while you're at work. It wouldn't be a great stretch of the imagination to believe, based on her previous behaviour, that she could start taking out credit cards in your name, or whatever to try and "escape" again. Harsh words I'm afraid, but you need to make sure you are protected for the sake of your children.
Your 8 year old sounds like she is going to grow up to be an impressive woman.. what an incredibly erudite and withering comment from someone so young.
On the other hand some of the stuff she left lying around my place was priceless - all her legal correspondence, business and personal bank statements (she ran his income through a limited he setup in her name in order to hide it from his wife), also I saw emails they had sent between themselves about all these matters back in the summer - needless to say the whole ordeal was really just a proxy battle of egos between him and I - I was constantly feeding this stuff into my scanner when she wasn't looking!!
Edited by theboss on Wednesday 1st February 10:10
Durzel said:
I was expecting much worse after I'd read the opening sentence. You've clearly been a very mature adult about this.
That being said, I think you ought to be far more guarded about this than it sounds like you're being.. her being back in the marital home means she has physical access to all sorts of things while you're at work. It wouldn't be a great stretch of the imagination to believe, based on her previous behaviour, that she could start taking out credit cards in your name, or whatever to try and "escape" again. Harsh words I'm afraid, but you need to make sure you are protected for the sake of your children.
Your 8 year old sounds like she is going to grow up to be an impressive woman.. what an incredibly erudite and withering comment from someone so young.
Likewise - sounds like an alright situation for you to be in and the best situation for your children. All the best That being said, I think you ought to be far more guarded about this than it sounds like you're being.. her being back in the marital home means she has physical access to all sorts of things while you're at work. It wouldn't be a great stretch of the imagination to believe, based on her previous behaviour, that she could start taking out credit cards in your name, or whatever to try and "escape" again. Harsh words I'm afraid, but you need to make sure you are protected for the sake of your children.
Your 8 year old sounds like she is going to grow up to be an impressive woman.. what an incredibly erudite and withering comment from someone so young.
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