Ex being unreasonable about seeing my daughter... !!!

[SickFish]

Hi Guys,

I am at my wits end, I have recently split from my (now ex) partner. We have a 19 month daughter and we cannot come to an agreement on access!

She wants me to only see her every other weekend....! This is unacceptable for me, I cannot go two weeks without seeing my daughter! It would kill me.

What are my rights with regards to access? The ex has said that we will go to mediation, but I am concerned that she will just push and push to get her own way.

The access plan I have come up with is:
Week 1: 3 nights (Friday pm - Monday am)
Week 2: 2 nights (Saturday pm - Monday am)
Week 3: 3 nights (Friday pm - Monday am)
Week 4: 2 nights (Saturday pm - Monday am)

She does not work, so will have all week to spend with her and do things that she wants, but her argument is that I cannot have her on the weekends because this ruins her time with her.... SHE DOESNT WORK!!!!

Another argument has been that, my daughter was diagnosed with separation anxiety when very young as she was very premature, however, I do not believe this to be an issue any more... The ex is using this as a beating stick saying that my daughter would be hysterical being that long away from her...

But... Obviously there would be wriggle room (with communication) should this cause any issues with any events etc. I cant see this being massively problematic, however the ex has said no...

This is breaking my heart... I can't go two weeks without my daughter!

Also, I have said that I would still like to take her to Disneyland (the ex was going to come, but not now)... the ex has said this is not going to happen!!! It is for 4 nights, can she really put the stoppers on it just like that?!?!

I am fighting so many emotions right now, she cannot understand that we are both her parents and that I should be able to see her an equal amount of time as her.

[HantsRat]

Contact a family solicitor as they are the experts, not us lot on a forum. Also document all contact as you never know when you may need it.

[SickFish]

HantsRat said:

Contact a family solicitor as they are the experts, not us lot on a forum. Also document all contact as you never know when you may need it.

That is my next port of call, but wanted to put it out to the legal guys on here as well as to they guys who have been through a similar situation.

[dudleybloke]

If she is using separation anxiety as an excuse then you can use it too.

[SickFish]

dudleybloke said:

If she is using separation anxiety as an excuse then you can use it too.

This very true, however, she will play the "she wont get anxious when your gone as she doesn't see you during the day as your at work" card... I know this woman too well

[SpydieNut]

HantsRat said:

Contact a family solicitor as they are the experts, not us lot on a forum. Also document all contact as you never know when you may need it.

seconded and be prepared for a long and costly fight through the courts. ask me how i know

bottom line is *you* don't have any rights, only responsibilities. the courts said they are not there to provide equal access, only to ensure that the child has access to both parents - what proportion depends on the circumstances and they are interested in the best interests of the child.

so the bitter ex can make up and exaggerate upset/distress of the child, then tell the court that they really are trying to encourage access, but the child doesn't want to - too upset etc at the changes. and how they *really* are committed to mediation (but refuse to actually negotiate when you get there) - at a couple of hundred pounds (each) for a 2 hour session. the court then tells you to go away and work on your communication.

and when the ex breaks the court orders, there's sod all you can do about it, without going back to court and arguing as above - repeat. at several thousand pounds per day in court (paying solicitor and barrister etc), that quickly loses it's appeal.

what they're actually itching for, is to be so unreasonable, that you may be tempted to lose your temper with them - don't do this, not even raising your voice or swearing at their stubbornness - because then they run to the court saying how afraid they are of you and how they don't even want you to come onto their property (which used to be yours too) to collect your child (and mine did just that, despite no shouting etc - they were 'worried i *may* cause a scene' if my daughter was 15 min late coming out of the house.

18 months of courts and i still can't get the overnights that are written in court orders. so having to think about keeping the game going.

[lost in espace]

Just be really nice to her, as awful as it sounds, and agree to what access you can get. Try to talk her around in time, you have to grin and bear it I am afraid. I hoped my daughter would want to see more of my over time, but it didn't happen and now she hardly ever visits now she is 19. Suck it up and see what access you can negotiate, and good luck.

[sugerbear]

I am a divorced father myself, but I think that asking to see your daughter every weekend is unreasonable. Weekends tend to be the time that the good/enjoyable stuff happens so you will be getting all the "good" time whilst your ex gets the monday to friday drudgery of school.

You would be better off taking her one night during the week, having full weekend access every other weekend and then suggesting either a friday night/saturday morning or Sunday night/Monday morning.

Practically (unless you are a monk/nun) you will find that at some stage you will meet someone new and you may find that having a daughter in tow every weekend might might end up ruining the new relationship.

[SickFish]

SpydieNut said:

HantsRat said:

Contact a family solicitor as they are the experts, not us lot on a forum. Also document all contact as you never know when you may need it.

seconded and be prepared for a long and costly fight through the courts. ask me how i know

bottom line is *you* don't have any rights, only responsibilities. the courts said they are not there to provide equal access, only to ensure that the child has access to both parents - what proportion depends on the circumstances and they are interested in the best interests of the child.

so the bitter ex can make up and exaggerate upset/distress of the child, then tell the court that they really are trying to encourage access, but the child doesn't want to - too upset etc at the changes. and how they *really* are committed to mediation (but refuse to actually negotiate when you get there) - at a couple of hundred pounds (each) for a 2 hour session. the court then tells you to go away and work on your communication.

and when the ex breaks the court orders, there's sod all you can do about it, without going back to court and arguing as above - repeat. at several thousand pounds per day in court (paying solicitor and barrister etc), that quickly loses it's appeal.

what they're actually itching for, is to be so unreasonable, that you may be tempted to lose your temper with them - don't do this, not even raising your voice or swearing at their stubbornness - because then they run to the court saying how afraid they are of you and how they don't even want you to come onto their property (which used to be yours too) to collect your child (and mine did just that, despite no shouting etc - they were 'worried i *may* cause a scene' if my daughter was 15 min late coming out of the house.

18 months of courts and i still can't get the overnights that are written in court orders. so having to think about keeping the game going.

Some good advice there, thank you. Very sorry to hear about your situation I pride myself on being the absolute best dad I can be and hate the idea of being a part time father because the ex wants to see me in pain!

[paul789]

Heart goes out to you. Good luck.

[SickFish]

sugerbear said:

I am a divorced father myself, but I think that asking to see your daughter every weekend is unreasonable. Weekends tend to be the time that the good/enjoyable stuff happens so you will be getting all the "good" time whilst your ex gets the monday to friday drudgery of school.

You would be better off taking her one night during the week, having full weekend access every other weekend and then suggesting either a friday night/saturday morning or Sunday night/Monday morning.

Practically (unless you are a monk/nun) you will find that at some stage you will meet someone new and you may find that having a daughter in tow every weekend might might end up ruining the new relationship.

Thinking about it, you may be right, about being unreasonable... I like your suggestion though and may see how she reacts to it. Thank you

[SickFish]

paul789 said:

Heart goes out to you. Good luck.

Thank you

[eybic]

I really do sympathise with your situation but I think you will be hard pressed to get the access you have said in your OP, I think the best you can hope for is every other week/ weekend for a few nights not every weekend.

[sugerbear]

SickFish said:

sugerbear said:

I am a divorced father myself, but I think that asking to see your daughter every weekend is unreasonable. Weekends tend to be the time that the good/enjoyable stuff happens so you will be getting all the "good" time whilst your ex gets the monday to friday drudgery of school.

You would be better off taking her one night during the week, having full weekend access every other weekend and then suggesting either a friday night/saturday morning or Sunday night/Monday morning.

Practically (unless you are a monk/nun) you will find that at some stage you will meet someone new and you may find that having a daughter in tow every weekend might might end up ruining the new relationship.

Thinking about it, you may be right, about being unreasonable... I like your suggestion though and may see how she reacts to it. Thank you

The only advice that I have is keep on talking and keep on talking terms with them. Sometimes you have to lose the odd battle to win the war. Maybe it's worth going back and admitting you were wrong (they love that ;-) ) to see if that softens her stance and then ask her what she wants. If you really want something when you negotiate then be prepared to give something away.

I think taking your daughter away for 4 days is quite reasonable for a holiday, you just need to figure out why she is digging her heels in.

Long term children work out the stuff themselves.

[PurpleMoonlight]

Unless it's changed drastically recently, the bog standard a court would order in disputed contact is every other weekend and one night in the week.

[WinstonWolf]

A schedule that worked for me and my ex who was pretty amicable...

Week 1, Mum Monday, me Tuesday evening, Wednesday and Thursday AM, mum Thursday evening/Friday Morning, me Friday evening to Sunday tea time.

Week 2, Mum Monday, me Tuesday evening, Wednesday and Thursday AM, mum Thursday evening through to the next Tuesday except for a couple of hours on a Sunday evening.

Worked out roughly half and half with most changeovers at nursery then school as they got older.

The intention was regular contact with both parents and it worked well for fifteen years...

[SickFish]

I am just so scared that my daughter (being so young) will "forget" me in two weeks

[eybic]

SickFish said:

I am just so scared that my daughter (being so young) will "forget" me in two weeks

You don't need to worry about that, my 19 month old Son doesn't see his Nan for a couple of months at a time and still shouts "Nanny" when he sees her.

[S10GTA]

I think you're being unreasonable asking for every weekend (sorry)

You need to compromise at every other weekend, plus a day or two during the week.

[SickFish]

S10GTA said:

I think you're being unreasonable asking for every weekend (sorry)

You need to compromise at every other weekend, plus a day or two during the week.

I agree on thinking about it