Ex being unreasonable about seeing my daughter... !!!
Discussion
this is what I have put forward...
I will have access on one mutually agreeable weekday evening (from 17:00pm – 08:00am), and shall have access on every other weekend (from Friday 15:00pm to the following Sunday 18:00pm).
Thoughts?
I think this is a compromise that can be built on and it is better (for me) than the Saturday - Sunday every 2 weeks that she offered.
I will have access on one mutually agreeable weekday evening (from 17:00pm – 08:00am), and shall have access on every other weekend (from Friday 15:00pm to the following Sunday 18:00pm).
Thoughts?
I think this is a compromise that can be built on and it is better (for me) than the Saturday - Sunday every 2 weeks that she offered.
thoughts?
it seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
it seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
SpydieNut said:
thoughts?
it seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
Thank you - good adviceit seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
SpydieNut said:
thoughts?
it seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
Unfortunately this is my experience too. Best of luck and try not to let it get to you(very difficult!)it seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
joscal said:
SpydieNut said:
thoughts?
it seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
Unfortunately this is my experience too. Best of luck and try not to let it get to you(very difficult!)it seems reasonable and i wish you all the best.
realistically it boils down to what the ex will allow you. i have realised there's a lot of truth in the phrase - 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. if she's anything like my ex (who i never thought would turn into this bitter, twisted person and use our daughter as a pawn) then she'll do everything she can to make your life hell.
it turns into a power game for them. they hold most / all the chips and unfortunately they not only know it, but have family and friends egging them on most of the time.
see if you can maintain a dialogue and discuss things reasonably - using a mediator if you must, but be prepared to take what you're given, or proceed to court and try to get more.
Separated when my daughter was 6. (8 years ago)
Had every other weekend offered to me which I took until she was 9
At which point I started a new relationship and surprise, surprise, my daughter then 'decided' she didn't want to see me anymore, the travel each weekend and upheaval wasn't any fun.
Then when I rang to talk about it, no one picked up, if I went to the house, mum would call the police on the basis of harassment.
Now she is 14 and I don't even get text replies.
She's distanced herself from my entire side of the family, her great grandmother has died since not having spoken to her for 3 years...
I could've fought it back when she was 9...but as said by others before, 'we' have no rights....and aside from the fact a large part of me is effectively dead, I refuse to give up on MY Life, so the money that would've gone to lawyers is stashed and earning interest for her when she needs it and I just hope her mind isn't poisoned so much that she doesn't ask some serious questions in the near future.
This whole topic crystalises a massive problem with family law.
The primary parent should receive financial support
The child's wishes should be taken into account
but BOTH parent's needs should be taken into account too, and some kind of allowance or prevention for vindictive adults whispering untruths into the children's ears.. but how do you 'police' that??
I was (am) a good dad, she loved being with me and her grandparents, but there is little you can do if she's told horrible things about you that then turn your child against you. It's game over.
So roll over and play nice and accept everything that comes your way.
I hate rolling over and playing the weak and feeble one though... It massively goes against the grain 
I have put the terms of every other weekend and one week day to her to see what she thinks and I want this in writing... I have drawn up this agreement, anyone fancy casting their eye over it and see what they think???
Child Custody Agreement for Miss XXXXXXX
THIS CUSTODY AGREEMENT (also referred to herein as this “Agreement”) is made and entered into by and between XXXXXXX (“the father”) and XXXXXXX (“the mother”), on THURSDAY 7th JULY 2016 in KETTERING, NORTHAMPTONSHIRE.
IN CONSIDERATION of the circumstances and mutual covenants set forth in this Custody Agreement, and such other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties agree as follows:
WHEREAS the parties are the parents of the following minor child:
XXXXXXX born on 26th November 2014
WHEREAS the parties wish to enter into this Custody Agreement in order to settle the care and custody of the child.
1. LEGAL CUSTODY & DECISION MAKING.
The mother shall have sole and exclusive custody of the child and all final decision-making authority related to significant matters impacting the welfare of the child, including but not limited to, matters of education, religion and health care. Notwithstanding the foregoing, the father shall, in every case (except in the event of an emergency), be provided the opportunity to participate in the decision-making process as to any such significant matters.
2. RESIDENTIAL CUSTODY & ACCESS RIGHTS.
The mother shall have residential custody of the child. As such, the child will reside at the mother’s residential address, and the mother shall be entitled to child support, which will be paid by the father. In the event of the mother’s death or in the event the mother is otherwise incapable or unable to perform her responsibilities as custodial parent for the child, the father will assume all such responsibilities as custodial parent.
Notwithstanding anything contained in or implied by the foregoing, and subject to the below provisions pertaining to the mother’s access to the child, the father shall have access to the child in accordance with the schedule and terms set forth below (or as otherwise agreed between the parties on a per event basis).
The father will have access on one mutually agreeable weekday evening (from 17:00pm – 08:00am), and shall have access to the child on every other weekend (from Friday 15:00pm to the following Sunday 18:00pm). The only exception to the foregoing is as follows:
1. Father’s Day. The father shall have access to the child on every Father’s Day from 10:00am to 18:00pm.
2. Child’s Birthdays. If the father would not otherwise have access to a child on his or her birthday, the father shall nevertheless have access to such child for up to 4 hours.
3. Father’s Birthday. If the father would not otherwise have access to the child on his birthday, the father shall nevertheless have access to the child for up to 8 hours.
4. Vacations. The father shall have up to two (2) weeks of unrestricted access to the child, during the summer months, for vacation, provided the father works in good faith with the mother and uses best reasonable efforts to schedule such vacation on dates convenient for the mother.
The mother will have access to the child at all times where the father does not have access. In addition, notwithstanding anything contained or implied in the foregoing:
1. Mother’s Day. The mother shall have access to the child on every Mother’s Day from 10:00am to 18:00pm.
2. Child’s Birthdays. If the mother would not otherwise have access to a child on his or her birthday, the mother shall nevertheless have access to such child for up to 4 hours.
3. Mother’s Birthday. If the mother would not otherwise have access to the child on her birthday, the mother shall nevertheless have access to the child for up to 8 hours.
4. Vacations. The mother shall have up to two (2) weeks of unrestricted access to the child, during the summer months, for vacation, provided the mother works in good faith with the father and uses best reasonable efforts to schedule such vacation on dates convenient for the mother.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have caused this Agreement to be executed and duly delivered and effective as of the date of the last party to sign this Agreement below.
Miss XXXXXXX [MOTHER]:
_____________________________ DATE: 7th July 2016
Mr XXXXXXX [FATHER]:
_____________________________ DATE: 7th July 2016
I have put the terms of every other weekend and one week day to her to see what she thinks and I want this in writing... I have drawn up this agreement, anyone fancy casting their eye over it and see what they think???
Child Custody Agreement for Miss XXXXXXX
THIS CUSTODY AGREEMENT (also referred to herein as this “Agreement”) is made and entered into by and between XXXXXXX (“the father”) and XXXXXXX (“the mother”), on THURSDAY 7th JULY 2016 in KETTERING, NORTHAMPTONSHIRE.
IN CONSIDERATION of the circumstances and mutual covenants set forth in this Custody Agreement, and such other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties agree as follows:
WHEREAS the parties are the parents of the following minor child:
XXXXXXX born on 26th November 2014
WHEREAS the parties wish to enter into this Custody Agreement in order to settle the care and custody of the child.
1. LEGAL CUSTODY & DECISION MAKING.
The mother shall have sole and exclusive custody of the child and all final decision-making authority related to significant matters impacting the welfare of the child, including but not limited to, matters of education, religion and health care. Notwithstanding the foregoing, the father shall, in every case (except in the event of an emergency), be provided the opportunity to participate in the decision-making process as to any such significant matters.
2. RESIDENTIAL CUSTODY & ACCESS RIGHTS.
The mother shall have residential custody of the child. As such, the child will reside at the mother’s residential address, and the mother shall be entitled to child support, which will be paid by the father. In the event of the mother’s death or in the event the mother is otherwise incapable or unable to perform her responsibilities as custodial parent for the child, the father will assume all such responsibilities as custodial parent.
Notwithstanding anything contained in or implied by the foregoing, and subject to the below provisions pertaining to the mother’s access to the child, the father shall have access to the child in accordance with the schedule and terms set forth below (or as otherwise agreed between the parties on a per event basis).
The father will have access on one mutually agreeable weekday evening (from 17:00pm – 08:00am), and shall have access to the child on every other weekend (from Friday 15:00pm to the following Sunday 18:00pm). The only exception to the foregoing is as follows:
1. Father’s Day. The father shall have access to the child on every Father’s Day from 10:00am to 18:00pm.
2. Child’s Birthdays. If the father would not otherwise have access to a child on his or her birthday, the father shall nevertheless have access to such child for up to 4 hours.
3. Father’s Birthday. If the father would not otherwise have access to the child on his birthday, the father shall nevertheless have access to the child for up to 8 hours.
4. Vacations. The father shall have up to two (2) weeks of unrestricted access to the child, during the summer months, for vacation, provided the father works in good faith with the mother and uses best reasonable efforts to schedule such vacation on dates convenient for the mother.
The mother will have access to the child at all times where the father does not have access. In addition, notwithstanding anything contained or implied in the foregoing:
1. Mother’s Day. The mother shall have access to the child on every Mother’s Day from 10:00am to 18:00pm.
2. Child’s Birthdays. If the mother would not otherwise have access to a child on his or her birthday, the mother shall nevertheless have access to such child for up to 4 hours.
3. Mother’s Birthday. If the mother would not otherwise have access to the child on her birthday, the mother shall nevertheless have access to the child for up to 8 hours.
4. Vacations. The mother shall have up to two (2) weeks of unrestricted access to the child, during the summer months, for vacation, provided the mother works in good faith with the father and uses best reasonable efforts to schedule such vacation on dates convenient for the mother.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have caused this Agreement to be executed and duly delivered and effective as of the date of the last party to sign this Agreement below.
Miss XXXXXXX [MOTHER]:
_____________________________ DATE: 7th July 2016
Mr XXXXXXX [FATHER]:
_____________________________ DATE: 7th July 2016
there's no point to a 'structure' like that...
One weekday of "she's ill and you can't take her" and the whole thing collapses.
She only has to suggest enough negativity to wind you up and make you angry and then she starts crying and it collapses.
There's no harm I trying... there is everything to gain in fact, especially as you're wanting to be the dad, to give the child some balance to offer your ex time and space to be herself again...all that good stuff.
Just know that whatever her answer is. That's the answer.
You'll now accept everything she offers, the odd weekend out of the blue when her mates plan a hen-do...yep, you'll take that!
But the one time you say you can't as you have a prior commitment, then you're a bad dad and the whole deal collapses.
I documented the whole thing for years and when it came down to it, it meant nothing. All that mattered was your attitude, approach (ie friendly, accepting, "do as you're told") and what your child wants, which ultimately as she will always spend the majority of the time with the mum will be dictated by what is said to her by the mum.
How about your inlaws? are they
In my case the mother in law backed up and strengthened the evil whispering
The father in law lived the other end of the country and didn't want to rock the boat..
but again depending on what picture your ex paints of you will dictate how they and nearly everyone else will see you.
One weekday of "she's ill and you can't take her" and the whole thing collapses.
She only has to suggest enough negativity to wind you up and make you angry and then she starts crying and it collapses.
There's no harm I trying... there is everything to gain in fact, especially as you're wanting to be the dad, to give the child some balance to offer your ex time and space to be herself again...all that good stuff.
Just know that whatever her answer is. That's the answer.
You'll now accept everything she offers, the odd weekend out of the blue when her mates plan a hen-do...yep, you'll take that!
But the one time you say you can't as you have a prior commitment, then you're a bad dad and the whole deal collapses.
I documented the whole thing for years and when it came down to it, it meant nothing. All that mattered was your attitude, approach (ie friendly, accepting, "do as you're told") and what your child wants, which ultimately as she will always spend the majority of the time with the mum will be dictated by what is said to her by the mum.
How about your inlaws? are they
In my case the mother in law backed up and strengthened the evil whispering
The father in law lived the other end of the country and didn't want to rock the boat..
but again depending on what picture your ex paints of you will dictate how they and nearly everyone else will see you.
yep...and if you moan about it, then you're a trouble maker.
It's a game you will only lose with an ex partner that craves control and to cause you hurt.
You play a long, she has control. If you don't fight it she'll turn the screw until you do.
Then she gets the drama she wants and gets to point and shout and prove to everyone how bad you are.
If you refuse to play the game and walk away from it all.... then your daughter grows up being told and almost seeing as fact that you don't care, you didn't fight for her etc etc.
I'm told by many that "When she grows up she'll come around"
I'm not so sure
I think she'll come around when she needs a car or a house and by then I'm going to be rather annoyed that she ignored her great grand parent and grand parents let alone me...and wasted so much time....
Like I said, very little positive here. The only chance you have is to play nice and hope your ex moves on and allows you to be involved long term.
It's a game you will only lose with an ex partner that craves control and to cause you hurt.
You play a long, she has control. If you don't fight it she'll turn the screw until you do.
Then she gets the drama she wants and gets to point and shout and prove to everyone how bad you are.
If you refuse to play the game and walk away from it all.... then your daughter grows up being told and almost seeing as fact that you don't care, you didn't fight for her etc etc.
I'm told by many that "When she grows up she'll come around"
I'm not so sure
I think she'll come around when she needs a car or a house and by then I'm going to be rather annoyed that she ignored her great grand parent and grand parents let alone me...and wasted so much time....
Like I said, very little positive here. The only chance you have is to play nice and hope your ex moves on and allows you to be involved long term.
Edited by Quickmoose on Thursday 7th July 16:03
SickFish said:
PurpleMoonlight said:
She will never sign that.
What makes you say that? Do you think I am being unfair?Just talk to her and agree a sensible deal... and then forever stick to it.
I divorced nearly 10 years ago, kids were 8,11,14. The deal was I had them every other weekend, Friday night to Sunday night. 1 week easter, 2 weeks summer.
Not signed, but just agreed between us and then stuck to religiously by both. If we need to change for any reasons, we 'swap' weekends if mutually agreeable. Which holiday weeks are agreed months in advance.
You really have not a lot of choice as pointed out by lots of posters above, so play nice and be grown up.
Quickmoose said:
Mine too.
Separated when my daughter was 6. (8 years ago)
Had every other weekend offered to me which I took until she was 9
At which point I started a new relationship and surprise, surprise, my daughter then 'decided' she didn't want to see me anymore, the travel each weekend and upheaval wasn't any fun.
Then when I rang to talk about it, no one picked up, if I went to the house, mum would call the police on the basis of harassment.
Now she is 14 and I don't even get text replies.
She's distanced herself from my entire side of the family, her great grandmother has died since not having spoken to her for 3 years...
My Brother was in a similar situation with my Neice and her Mother. At the age of 16 she realised how out of order her Mother had been and now sees my Brother a hell of a lot more than her Mum, unfortunately there is very little you can do to influence her and she just has to make her own mind up.Separated when my daughter was 6. (8 years ago)
Had every other weekend offered to me which I took until she was 9
At which point I started a new relationship and surprise, surprise, my daughter then 'decided' she didn't want to see me anymore, the travel each weekend and upheaval wasn't any fun.
Then when I rang to talk about it, no one picked up, if I went to the house, mum would call the police on the basis of harassment.
Now she is 14 and I don't even get text replies.
She's distanced herself from my entire side of the family, her great grandmother has died since not having spoken to her for 3 years...
Firstly, I wish you the best of luck.
My partner split up with her ex when their son was about 6 months old. A long and protracted legal wrangle commenced. The agreement reached by the courts / cafcass was thus:
Every Tuesday 3pm until Wed 3pm. Friday 3pm until Sat 3pm. This agreement was in place until he started nursery.
After starting nursery the agreement changed to pick-up after nursery (lunchtime) on a Tues and drop-off at 6pm on the same day. Then alternate weekends pick-up on fri after nursery until 3pm on the Sunday.
Then there's the school holidays / xmas to consider but dont get me started on them..!!
My partner split up with her ex when their son was about 6 months old. A long and protracted legal wrangle commenced. The agreement reached by the courts / cafcass was thus:
Every Tuesday 3pm until Wed 3pm. Friday 3pm until Sat 3pm. This agreement was in place until he started nursery.
After starting nursery the agreement changed to pick-up after nursery (lunchtime) on a Tues and drop-off at 6pm on the same day. Then alternate weekends pick-up on fri after nursery until 3pm on the Sunday.
Then there's the school holidays / xmas to consider but dont get me started on them..!!
eybic said:
My Brother was in a similar situation with my Neice and her Mother. At the age of 16 she realised how out of order her Mother had been and now sees my Brother a hell of a lot more than her Mum, unfortunately there is very little you can do to influence her and she just has to make her own mind up.
yep I know, it's been this way for 3 years now.I send texts off into the ether regularly, get a response twice a year on her birthday and Christmas thanking me for the present.
I reckon she'll be as damaged as her mum was (history repeated you see)... not sure I'll ever recover anything meaningful...Just put the emotion in a box and try and move on myself...so that if or when she does come back to me, she'll find a happy successful man and not a depressed drunk.... currently I'm treading a fine line...
SickFish said:
1. LEGAL CUSTODY & DECISION MAKING.
The mother shall have sole and exclusive custody of the child and all final decision-making authority related to significant matters impacting the welfare of the child, including but not limited to, matters of education, religion and health care. Notwithstanding the foregoing, the father shall, in every case (except in the event of an emergency), be provided the opportunity to participate in the decision-making process as to any such significant matters.
Do NOT suggest or agree to this. It will remove any of your rights as a father. As long as you're named on the birth certificate, you have parental responsibility in the eyes of the law. Replace this with a paragraph that clearly lays out that you, as the father on the birth certificate, have full and equal parental responsibility as the mother and must be consulted on all significant matters relating to her development and future including but not limited to schooling and health. In an emergency, either parent may make a decision for the best interest of the child without consulting the other parent if it is not practical or possible. Do NOT under any circumstances agree to give up your legal parental responsibility or to anything which might restrict it. Otherwise she can go loopy and decide that she will "home school" your daughter and there's bugger all you can do about it if you're not happy that she's getting a decent education. The mother shall have sole and exclusive custody of the child and all final decision-making authority related to significant matters impacting the welfare of the child, including but not limited to, matters of education, religion and health care. Notwithstanding the foregoing, the father shall, in every case (except in the event of an emergency), be provided the opportunity to participate in the decision-making process as to any such significant matters.
Seriously, do NOT give up your legal rights as a parent. You will only regret it, especially if she's as manipulative as you say.
As someone who doesn't yet have kids, but is planning to can I ask what may seem a silly question? I have no experience whatsoever in these matters so forgive me.
How is it that she is the one that is being asked to agree to this etc. At what point is it decided that she has the child and you have to make arrangements with her?
Does what I have just asked make sense?
How is it that she is the one that is being asked to agree to this etc. At what point is it decided that she has the child and you have to make arrangements with her?
Does what I have just asked make sense?
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