Ex being unreasonable about seeing my daughter... !!!

[TheExcession]

Piersman2 said:

You really have not a lot of choice as pointed out by lots of posters above, so play nice and be grown up.

Sorry to reiterate, and I've made the PH cardinal sin of posting without reading the whole thread.

What Piersman has written is so true. You absolutely have to play the nice guy. Yes sir no sir three bags full sir what ever you want you bhing fk of a we, how dare you deny me access to see my own daughter?

You're holding 'bupkiss' at the moment (PHer Breadvan 'learned' me this phrase when I was right and he was wrong - but then or course he really did have to win).

I would advise that no matter how hard you want to slam her, you have to play the slow game. Do not answer any texts or emails immediately. Leave it a few hours, days even. Think carefully and slowly, DO NOT PANIC - you'll need some time for anything she says to sink in.

PLEASE do not send her your terms and conditions, please please please please do not do this.

From what you have said she is looking for a fight, do not rise to it. In the position you are in regarding your ex everything from you needs to be 'OK that's fine with me'.

Get a few months under your belt playing to her terms/rules/demands.

A final question from me - "Have you sat and cried your eyes out in desperation yet?"

[SickFish]

zarjaz1991 said:

Certainly, do not present a legal agreement like that, written in pseudo-legal speak that refers to 'the child' and even worse, 'such child'. Are there likely to be other children involved in this agreement? No. Then drop the attempts to make it sound like a barrister wrote it, it will only wind her up and I'd be amazed if she signed it.

Write it out, if you must, in plain English, using the child's name. I still doubt she'd sign it, but you stand much more of a chance.

It was a template that I downloaded, as I am not the best at articulating myself at the best of times

[SickFish]

TheExcession said:

Piersman2 said:

You really have not a lot of choice as pointed out by lots of posters above, so play nice and be grown up.

Sorry to reiterate, and I've made the PH cardinal sin of posting without reading the whole thread.

What Piersman has written is so true. You absolutely have to play the nice guy. Yes sir no sir three bags full sir what ever you want you bhing fk of a we, how dare you deny me access to see my own daughter?

You're holding 'bupkiss' at the moment (PHer Breadvan 'learned' me this phrase when I was right and he was wrong - but then or course he really did have to win).

I would advise that no matter how hard you want to slam her, you have to play the slow game. Do not answer any texts or emails immediately. Leave it a few hours, days even. Think carefully and slowly, DO NOT PANIC - you'll need some time for anything she says to sink in.

PLEASE do not send her your terms and conditions, please please please please do not do this.

From what you have said she is looking for a fight, do not rise to it. In the position you are in regarding your ex everything from you needs to be 'OK that's fine with me'.

Get a few months under your belt playing to her terms/rules/demands.

A final question from me - "Have you sat and cried your eyes out in desperation yet?"

I'm not a crier... never have been, my frustration and desperation has been taken out in the gym though

[zarjaz1991]

Vaud said:

Just don't do it. It's a rubbish idea... get proper advice.

Children are not things to write contracts for, and certainly not by frustrated parents.

I agree, it's a bad idea, I was just trying to mitigate it down from being an absolutely terrible idea really....

[SickFish]

zarjaz1991 said:

Vaud said:

Just don't do it. It's a rubbish idea... get proper advice.

Children are not things to write contracts for, and certainly not by frustrated parents.

I agree, it's a bad idea, I was just trying to mitigate it down from being an absolutely terrible idea really....

Its fine, I have taken the advice and binned the idea

[zarjaz1991]

SickFish said:

Its fine, I have taken the advice and binned the idea

Good to hear...

[Fozziebear]

Get a solicitor mate. Don't try and do anything that involves agreements without one. I have a 17 year old daughter, last saw her in court when she told the district judge I was causing her anxiety and making her ill, she did all of this in tears glaring at her mother. I told the judge I didn't want to be seen as the person who caused all this stress to my daughter, I said I would wait for her to contact me. My daughter was 11 at the time, she has been moved from 2 schools and apparently is being home schooled for her exams this year. I've had zero contact, spent £25,000 fighting in court to see her, been accused of the sickest st you can imagine to block me out of her life, cafcas sided with me and got told to do one by her solicitor and a magistrate. Get help, get ready for a battle

[TVR1]

Vaud said:

TVR1 said:

No she won't. Her long term memory won't really develop for a few more years (as unfortunate as it sounds, I'm an older father to an 19 month old, so if I cark it it the next 5 years, she won't really remember me) however, the short term memory is rather different. My missus and daughter are currently enjoying a lovely vacation in sunny Istanbul. Lots of relies, treats ACTION etc. I know, for sure, based on previous holidays, my daughter will absolutely throw herself at me when she sees me at arrivals. And will want nothing to do with her Mum for a couple of days. Fair pisses her off!

It's the Long game you want OP.

True - episodic memory - i.e. remembering events develops post 2 years old.

Before that kids are pretty flexible. As long as they see you fairly regularly and connect you to good things then you might no be front of mind, but you will be remembered.

Try it for yourself. Why is your earliest (non-reinforced by parents) memory - something that only you could know about?

OP - Easy one to negotiate - ask the mother if you can put a picture of you and your daughter (just the two of you to avoid complications) in a small frame in her room so that she sees you every day.

Sensible advice. Episodic memory-I knew I learned it somewhere. Unfortunately, mine was my father at 4 years old kissing me goodnight and saying 'I'm off to bed now, Mum will be back soon'

I went in to wake him up a while later, 'cos I was scared. The bottle of demazepam that he took rather put paid to that. I went back to bed and cuddled my teddy bear, that I still have, BTW. 42 years later, I still have a 'pause moment' when someone says 'off to bed now, night'

I also remember making feet prints with my father in plaster. Little did I know that he had planned it and wanted them to be with him on that long journey.....

I digress.

Long term OP. Be there.

Edited by TVR1 on Thursday 7th July 21:36

[Vaud]

TVR1 said:

Sensible advice. Episodic memory-I knew I learned it somewhere. Unfortunately, mine was my father at 4 years old kissing me goodnight and saying 'I'm off to bed now, Mum will be back soon'

I went in to wake him up a while later, 'cos I was scared. The bottle of demazepam that he took rather put paid to that. I went back to bed and cuddled my teddy bear, that I still have, BTW.

I also remember making feet prints with my father in plaster. Little did I know that he had planned it and wanted them to be with him on that long journey.....

Sorry, I don't have the right words for this post other than, "holy crap". As the father of a 3 year old, it's a bit dusty here.

[TVR1]

Vaud said:

TVR1 said:

Sensible advice. Episodic memory-I knew I learned it somewhere. Unfortunately, mine was my father at 4 years old kissing me goodnight and saying 'I'm off to bed now, Mum will be back soon'

I went in to wake him up a while later, 'cos I was scared. The bottle of demazepam that he took rather put paid to that. I went back to bed and cuddled my teddy bear, that I still have, BTW.

I also remember making feet prints with my father in plaster. Little did I know that he had planned it and wanted them to be with him on that long journey.....

Sorry, I don't have the right words for this post other than, "holy crap". As the father of a 3 year old, it's a bit dusty here.

Nothing needs be said. Odd moments that trigger memories. Teddy was the one I nicked off my older brother. Kept him for years. We used to swap possession of said bear over 30 odd years, mostly in my favour. But when my brother died, 3 years ago this November, The Ted keeps him company on his long journey.

I miss that Bear!!!!!

[TheExcession]

SickFish said:

I'm not a crier... never have been, my frustration and desperation has been taken out in the gym though

Yeah but it really fking hurts though doesn't it?

As just about everyone on this this thread has probably responded to you saying

SickFish said:

Hi Guys,
I am at my wits end,

You can make your choice about who you'd like to talk to.

I'm happy to talk to you off line, so are many of the people here.

Hope you get it sorted.

[SickFish]

Thanks everyone, lots of good advice here. I'm going to go to Wales for the weekend to get away for a bit and decompress.

Stress has gotten on top of me, time to go to bed, I haven't slept properly in 4 days

[PurpleMoonlight]

How recently did you separate?

Emotions can be very high for a time after and some people will happily use their children as a weapon against the other parent.

[TROOPER88]

Having been through very similar there is an area that has not yet been mentioned which is very important.

From what the op says, I would guess that the ex partner is currently single.

When she starts dating / meets someone new what you will find is that the op will get more and more access as she will want to be going out more / have the new fella over.

As I say I am talking from experience. My daughter is now 8 and I split with the mum when she was 5. I now see my daughter a few times a week and she stays with me at least once a week.

What is vital is that you do your best to be amicable at all times with your ex as the child's happiness is what is at stake.

It is painful at the time but I am one of those who believe in things happening for a reason.

Good luck op, feel free to PM me if you would like a chat.

[WinstonWolf]

TheExcession said:

Piersman2 said:

You really have not a lot of choice as pointed out by lots of posters above, so play nice and be grown up.

Sorry to reiterate, and I've made the PH cardinal sin of posting without reading the whole thread.

What Piersman has written is so true. You absolutely have to play the nice guy. Yes sir no sir three bags full sir what ever you want you bhing fk of a we, how dare you deny me access to see my own daughter?

You're holding 'bupkiss' at the moment (PHer Breadvan 'learned' me this phrase when I was right and he was wrong - but then or course he really did have to win).

I would advise that no matter how hard you want to slam her, you have to play the slow game. Do not answer any texts or emails immediately. Leave it a few hours, days even. Think carefully and slowly, DO NOT PANIC - you'll need some time for anything she says to sink in.

PLEASE do not send her your terms and conditions, please please please please do not do this.

From what you have said she is looking for a fight, do not rise to it. In the position you are in regarding your ex everything from you needs to be 'OK that's fine with me'.

Get a few months under your belt playing to her terms/rules/demands.

A final question from me - "Have you sat and cried your eyes out in desperation yet?"

Ex is bang on the money. She has a stronger deck than you, you have two choices. Suck it up or lose

That's the bad news, the good news is it CAN work if you're sensible ( I know, that's not always easy) yes Sir, no Sir, three bags full Sir is the best way forward as long as she's being reasonable.

There will be situations you don't like, deal with it if you can see it will be better in the long run. I had to play Mr Nice Guy for fifteen years, never falling out with the ex but I had my kids live with me half of the time, it was a worthwhile sacrifice and I'd do it again.

Play the nice guy, it will help your case. Go for midweek and every other weekend, you'll see your daughter more often which is better for her.

Sell it to her thus; if we have a regular but flexible arrangement it will work best for all. Sooner or later we will both have other relationships, we both make the best babysitter for our kids when we want a short break, if we can alter the schedule from time to time everyone wins.

I had to wait fifteen bloody years to tell my ex to fk OFF but I finally got to do it a few weeks ago, god it felt good

[surveyor_101]

eybic said:

I really do sympathise with your situation but I think you will be hard pressed to get the access you have said in your OP, I think the best you can hope for is every other week/ weekend for a few nights not every weekend.

I sympathize as well but my understanding is if you not married her she has got you by the Johnson, unless you go down the route she is an unfit mother, which probably doesn't apply to this case. One of the reasons I am looking to marry the mother of my children so I have rights should we part.

I assume you are on the birth cert?

A child so young would need more contact than what she is offering to maintain and close bounded relationship in my opinion. My 2.5 year old has a very good relationship with the mother-in-law to be and she came back of 2 week cruise and found that she needed to get to know my little one again. She would not got to her straight away as seemed unfamiliar.

So I think weekly contact is a must! Good luck!

[SickFish]

surveyor_101 said:

eybic said:

I really do sympathise with your situation but I think you will be hard pressed to get the access you have said in your OP, I think the best you can hope for is every other week/ weekend for a few nights not every weekend.

I sympathize as well but my understanding is if you not married her she has got you by the Johnson, unless you go down the route she is an unfit mother, which probably doesn't apply to this case. One of the reasons I am looking to marry the mother of my children so I have rights should we part.

I assume you are on the birth cert?

A child so young would need more contact than what she is offering to maintain and close bounded relationship in my opinion. My 2.5 year old has a very good relationship with the mother-in-law to be and she came back of 2 week cruise and found that she needed to get to know my little one again. She would not got to her straight away as seemed unfamiliar.

So I think weekly contact is a must! Good luck!

Not married (in a way that's a blessing!), but most certainly on the birth certificate.

That's exactly what I mean, it would break my heart if I had to reacquaint myself with her every time I saw her

[SpydieNut]

surveyor_101 said:

I sympathize as well but my understanding is if you not married her she has got you by the Johnson, unless you go down the route she is an unfit mother, which probably doesn't apply to this case. One of the reasons I am looking to marry the mother of my children so I have rights should we part.

I assume you are on the birth cert?

A child so young would need more contact than what she is offering to maintain and close bounded relationship in my opinion. My 2.5 year old has a very good relationship with the mother-in-law to be and she came back of 2 week cruise and found that she needed to get to know my little one again. She would not got to her straight away as seemed unfamiliar.

So I think weekly contact is a must! Good luck!

i'm not sure if being married gives you more rights after a split or not, but i think you are over-estimating what rights fathers have full stop - have a read back through this thread. i hope you never have to find out.

[SickFish]

SpydieNut said:

surveyor_101 said:

I sympathize as well but my understanding is if you not married her she has got you by the Johnson, unless you go down the route she is an unfit mother, which probably doesn't apply to this case. One of the reasons I am looking to marry the mother of my children so I have rights should we part.

I assume you are on the birth cert?

A child so young would need more contact than what she is offering to maintain and close bounded relationship in my opinion. My 2.5 year old has a very good relationship with the mother-in-law to be and she came back of 2 week cruise and found that she needed to get to know my little one again. She would not got to her straight away as seemed unfamiliar.

So I think weekly contact is a must! Good luck!

i'm not sure if being married gives you more rights after a split or not, but i think you are over-estimating what rights fathers have full stop - have a read back through this thread. i hope you never have to find out.

Since 2003, as long as you are on the birth certificate then you have "full parental rights".... marriage just opens you up for even more financial pain

[Quickmoose]

SickFish said:

Not married (in a way that's a blessing!), but most certainly on the birth certificate.

That's exactly what I mean, it would break my heart if I had to reacquaint myself with her every time I saw her

That won't happen, what will break your heart is saying goodbye every other weekend.
That side of the emotional and mental wellbeing of devoted fathers who get left behind is never studied is it? never catered for.
You spend months fighting and grieving over the loss of the main relationship, days and weeks more resolving the financials and living arrangements, only to then have the next x years of parental love and care, time and effort dictated to you by the worst person to be fair minded.... you then spend 10 days at work, alone or without your child(ren), looking forward to seeing them, having them and being the best dad you can be only for 48hrs later to have to leave them again ON THE DOT of the time prescribed... and certainly in my case a loving daughter gets asked about her weekend and if one thing is out of place, all hell breaks loose... sweets on two days?! you lost one of her socks?! she went to bed 10 minutes later than usual?! etc etc...
reply to ANY of that, and the shutters come down...
Trust me I'm the most placid, non confrontational bloke you'd ever meet, but there's probably one person who can twist the knife to the extent you crack, and your ex is that person... and when I say I cracked, I mean...answered back.. "yes one sock, and? I bought her a new pair"....

This was nearly 8 years ago.. can you tell time has healed the frustration and anger?...no..