Absolutely seething - advice required

Absolutely seething - advice required

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Discussion

skeggysteve

5,724 posts

216 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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If the head teacher is doing nothing then go direct to the chair of governors. They should take bullying very seriously.
Our local police treat it as a hate crime and are very proactive about it.

pidsy

7,960 posts

156 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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Sorry OP - I work within the private sector. I don't know how it works in state schools.

roofer

5,136 posts

210 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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elanfan said:
Did you not pass on your skills to your daughter? A quick roundhouse to the head when there are no witnesses would sort it.

People like this only understand one thing unfortunately she needs to be physically dominated and made to realise that she might be the big unit in her little group but there are people about who are capable of being harder and nastier than she is. Maybe one of your former pupils. I feckin hate bullies!
This has some merit. However, having experienced similar, I took it to the parents, the problem stopped.

KevinCamaroSS

11,555 posts

279 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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The school should have a staff member assigned for this sort of thing. There will also be an exclusion policy. The problem you may run into is whether or not the bullying has been taking place at school, or only outside school.

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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Dan_M5 said:
LordHaveMurci said:
Not that simple sadly, that would almost certainly make it worse.

And because this vile creature scares & intimidates most of the other girls (she's a big unit as well as nasty), they are scared to stand with our daughter leaving her out on her own.

Maybe Hitler was on to something all along.
It really is that simple. Unless you have tried to do it then how can you possibly say it will make it worse.
As I have found out recently it really isn't.

The way social media works is that it creates a network. So you block someone and they can keep spreading stuff around your peers. Something happened like this with my daughter recently and it was with her trampoline club by the time her training came around none of whom go to her school.


It really is difficult but I firmly believe only old school methods will work. Two or three of the current "victims" need to pluck up the courage to gang together and give this piece of st some daily abuse in the playground. Bullys will stop when it becomes to difficult. Plus camp out at the school until they do something, if you tread too lightly they will probably take no notice.


(With regard to the old school advice, no one agreed with me, but it has made my daughter feel alot better about herself and gives her something to laugh about when she tells me and her mum)

LordHaveMurci

Original Poster:

12,034 posts

168 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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Our daughter has a life outside of school, she is an active member of a local sports club & is a sports leader at school.

She has been shown how to defend herself if she really has to, nasty but effective stuff that anybody can do, hope she never needs to go there though. Sadly for her, her brother is younger & smaller, he'll be a big lad in a year or two but she'll be at college & away from it all by then.

Spoken to our PCSO friend & he told OH to enail 101 & make a complaint, if school don't escalate it with them on Monday then they will automatically follow it up anyway.

Thanks for all the advice, it is worse than I care to share on here so it is appreciated. Will update next week.

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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Good to hear she feels OK in terms of a physical threat.


Without wanting to derail the thread, what happens if kids have fights these days? Do they just get a bit of detention and a bking or is it the end of the world?

Neither of mine have ever been involved so I really don't know.

rxe

6,700 posts

102 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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Our eldest was being bullied at school. He was big for his age, but pretty gentle - he didn't really get that you have to stand up for yourself. He'd done 4 years of a karate, but never make the linkage between that and real life.

I explained to him that if someone was physically assaulting you, then you were at liberties to defend yourself. Having seen him kick the living crap out of a punchbag, I had no doubt as to his ability. I was very careful to point out that you hit once, you hit hard, and you don't keep hitting a person on the ground.

So his nemesis started kicking him, and the eldest decked him. I wasn't there, but apparently it was proper hollywood spectacular, bully smashed backwards about 4 foot and out cold on the floor. Eldest just walked away. Not a peep after that. School (private) gave him a minus .... which is sort of a small slap on the wrist ... because "see can't be seen to condone violence"

Don't underestimate parent power. If this individual is picking on several pupils, then get it touch with their parents. If a large group either complains to the school, or does the social media "ignore" thing, it will be much more effective.


Some Gump

12,671 posts

185 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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LordHaveMurci said:
State school, online abuse mainly. 15yr old girl dropping the C bomb just to set a level.

It's the fact that the school have been 'managing' this for the last couple of years that makes me so angry with them & makes me want them to sort it out once & for all.

She really is a truly vile specimen, the whole family is, part of me feels sorry for the girl but her family problems aren't going to ruin our daughters future.

Sod it, we'll contact the Police directly. Shall we do this before the school meeting on Monday?

Ironically, the local PCSO is a personal friend of my OH.
At the risk of sounding like a forum troll,

You / your daughter have control here. Just cut ties to online. Long term, your daughter needs to have a thicker skin than to let online bullying control her life. Sounds hard, but bullying is only bad if you let it happen - if the bully doesn't score a hit, they mostly get bored and move on.
I was bullied for a bit at school. There was no social media then - but once you get to the point that the main protagonist isn't getting anywhere, they move focus. Once they do that, the crappy hanger on ones give up too.

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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Some Gump said:
At the risk of sounding like a forum troll,

You / your daughter have control here. Just cut ties to online. Long term, your daughter needs to have a thicker skin than to let online bullying control her life. Sounds hard, but bullying is only bad if you let it happen - if the bully doesn't score a hit, they mostly get bored and move on.
I was bullied for a bit at school. There was no social media then - but once you get to the point that the main protagonist isn't getting anywhere, they move focus. Once they do that, the crappy hanger on ones give up too.
I'd just like to reiterate what i said above about social media.

Snapchat and facebook etc aren't restricted to sending messages TO the person that is being bullied. st gets broadcast and spreads like wildfire. We cut off all use. It was OK at night when she didn't have it, then she would get to school and find out that all sorts of st had been said. And it spread far and wide.
It was a real eye opener for me, as I don't use Facebook.

Vroom101

828 posts

132 months

Friday 18th November 2016
quotequote all
OP, the school should have a bullying policy (schools have to have policies on nearly everything nowadays, so there'll be one for bullying). Usually available to view on the school website. Study it carefully, and you may find they are not following their own procedures. If you do find there are any areas where they are lacking, point them out - they'll find it hard to argue with you if it's there in black & white.

Probably too late for Monday's meeting, but I would insist on the Chair of Governors being present or at least made aware of the situation. The governors are their to hold the school to account (some are better than others at this though, to be honest).

If you don't get the required result, and feel the school is not living up to its duty of care, then inform the Local Authority and Ofsted, and make an official complaint to the police (not PCSO), and make sure the school know you are doing this. The fact that this has been ongoing for two years means they have had enough chances already. It also means they should have a record of previous incidents. If they can't produce them, demand to know why. Basically you need to be an enormous pain in the arse to the school, until you get the result you are happy with.

Good luck, and I hope your daughter come out of this ok.

037

1,315 posts

146 months

Friday 18th November 2016
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The bullies don't generally respond to reasoning unfortunately. They respond to shock and confrontation!

elanfan

5,516 posts

226 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
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I wonder if there might be something in what roofer I think it was said above. Take it to the parents particularly the dad and explain your background and state that if it doesn't cease you'll be the one doing the bullying - of him.


On another front the Governors details should be on the school website.

Edited by elanfan on Saturday 19th November 00:08

photosnob

1,339 posts

117 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
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037 said:
The bullies don't generally respond to reasoning unfortunately. They respond to shock and confrontation!
Which is only effective if the young girl in question is into confrontation and aggression. Which most decent people are not. (And i'm not saying good people can't stand up for themselves - I'm simply saying that those who are effective at confrontation generally have experience of it.)

I have no idea what the guy who posted originally should do. But encouraging him to turn his daughter into a mouthy scrapper isn't really going to be the answer. Talking to her school and building up her self confidence would do better.

I'm also going to point out the plainly obvious. I know some bullies. Not all of them would respond to shock and confrontation. Some quite enjoy a good scrap. I'd end up on my arse and then on the way to hospital if I decided to go confrontational with one guy I have in mind.

I don't think the police will do much for online name calling. Nor should they really. However horrible the words are. As soft as this might sound - it might help your daughter long term to realise some people are very sad, and that she has a lot going for her. Although I'm sure it won't feel like that now.

photosnob

1,339 posts

117 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
quotequote all
elanfan said:
I wonder if there might be something in what roofer I think it was said above. Take it to the parents particularly the dad and explain your background and state that if it doesn't cease you'll be the one doing the bullying - of him.


On another front the Governors details should be on the school website.

Edited by elanfan on Saturday 19th November 00:08
What if there is no dad? Are you going to threaten to beat up the mother? Do you really think it sets a good example to the guys daughter?

What if the father turns around and knocks you out? And then walks away from the police station/court because he was using reasonable force to defend himself? I have no children so my opinion doesn't count. I'd be ashamed if I did and they picked on someone. I'd also go bananas if someone turned up at my door and threatened me. At best I'd think your daughter was like you, and probably not think my kid was doing much wrong. If he's a decent guy he might be the one calling the police... it would look brilliant at school to hear that the father of an alleged victim had been arrested for threatening people...

Skyrat

1,185 posts

189 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
quotequote all
desolate said:
Some Gump said:
At the risk of sounding like a forum troll,

You / your daughter have control here. Just cut ties to online. Long term, your daughter needs to have a thicker skin than to let online bullying control her life. Sounds hard, but bullying is only bad if you let it happen - if the bully doesn't score a hit, they mostly get bored and move on.
I was bullied for a bit at school. There was no social media then - but once you get to the point that the main protagonist isn't getting anywhere, they move focus. Once they do that, the crappy hanger on ones give up too.
I'd just like to reiterate what i said above about social media.

Snapchat and facebook etc aren't restricted to sending messages TO the person that is being bullied. st gets broadcast and spreads like wildfire. We cut off all use. It was OK at night when she didn't have it, then she would get to school and find out that all sorts of st had been said. And it spread far and wide.
It was a real eye opener for me, as I don't use Facebook.
This.

Some gump, you don't seem to realise how it is for kids these days. Bullying doesn't stop when they come home from school like it did when we were at school. It can be 24hr online.

My girl is 4yo and I'm bricking it about when she gets older. If any of this st starts with her I'm going to want to rip the little fker's arms off

Benjamyn999

22 posts

120 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
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Sieges tee and vroom101 are both right. You must inform the chair of governors that there is an issue, it is based around school and that you expect the school to take positive, demonstrable action.

Some Gump

12,671 posts

185 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
quotequote all
Skyrat said:
This.

Some gump, you don't seem to realise how it is for kids these days. Bullying doesn't stop when they come home from school like it did when we were at school. It can be 24hr online.

My girl is 4yo and I'm bricking it about when she gets older. If any of this st starts with her I'm going to want to rip the little fker's arms off
Fair play.

I was the bullied kid when I wsa young, was just hoping to offer how I dealt with it. My kids are too young for school, I have no current experience. Hping I didn't claim I did =)

roofer

5,136 posts

210 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
quotequote all
photosnob said:
elanfan said:
I wonder if there might be something in what roofer I think it was said above. Take it to the parents particularly the dad and explain your background and state that if it doesn't cease you'll be the one doing the bullying - of him.


On another front the Governors details should be on the school website.

Edited by elanfan on Saturday 19th November 00:08
What if there is no dad? Are you going to threaten to beat up the mother? Do you really think it sets a good example to the guys daughter?

What if the father turns around and knocks you out? And then walks away from the police station/court because he was using reasonable force to defend himself? I have no children so my opinion doesn't count. I'd be ashamed if I did and they picked on someone. I'd also go bananas if someone turned up at my door and threatened me. At best I'd think your daughter was like you, and probably not think my kid was doing much wrong. If he's a decent guy he might be the one calling the police... it would look brilliant at school to hear that the father of an alleged victim had been arrested for threatening people...
You make a lot of assumptions here. Discussion with the parents worked in my instance. They were embarrassed once educated what a dog their kid was, and fair play to them, dealt with it.

On another angle, if my lad is suffering anything as a result of anyone else's action, then it will be dealt with in whatever way required.

When you are a parent, you'll understand.

Wobbegong

15,077 posts

168 months

Saturday 19th November 2016
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I'm glad the internet was fairly 'new' when I was at school, at least I had a break from bullying when I got home.

I do feel for you OP. Schools have clearly not got any better at dealing with bullying. My bully was the son of a popular parent at the school so the staff did bugger all apart from this helpful advice back in 1999

"Try reasoning with him to understand why he lashes out at you" rolleyes

I really cannot advise on what to do. In my case I lashed out quite viciously which thankfully scared the crap out of him, but nowadays I'd worry about the abuse escalating into a stabbing frown