Drink Driving - a question!
Discussion
And just when you thought it was safe to leave the thread, I have the f
king day from hell.... 
.
Turned out that she fell off the wagon big time this morning and drunk around a bottle and a half of vodka, texting everyone who knows her. She went out in the car and bought more drink then bashed her car against the side of her drive when she parked it up.
Basically, to cut a long post short, ended up getting my kids from school and her daughter is also staying over at mine tonight. She has also made an allegation against her ex-boyfriend too which may have some legs too but for now, all has calmed down. The police won't do anything about the possible drink-drive offence as too long has passed now and there would be little chance of proving it 9as happened before).
Thanks to those who suggested toning the post down, hope this is more like it.
king day from hell.... .Turned out that she fell off the wagon big time this morning and drunk around a bottle and a half of vodka, texting everyone who knows her. She went out in the car and bought more drink then bashed her car against the side of her drive when she parked it up.
Basically, to cut a long post short, ended up getting my kids from school and her daughter is also staying over at mine tonight. She has also made an allegation against her ex-boyfriend too which may have some legs too but for now, all has calmed down. The police won't do anything about the possible drink-drive offence as too long has passed now and there would be little chance of proving it 9as happened before).
Thanks to those who suggested toning the post down, hope this is more like it.
Edited by Smart Mart on Wednesday 14th December 19:03
Edited by Smart Mart on Wednesday 14th December 19:07
randlemarcus said:
It's as good as a contemporaneous diary 
Tread carefully around the R word - you may believe it a huge co-incidence that will garner sympathy, but you should not say so.
There's two "R" words. Residency which is something I am going to pursue after Friday and the other one which I have to believe happened as she deserves that much from me at least.Tread carefully around the R word - you may believe it a huge co-incidence that will garner sympathy, but you should not say so.
Sat here now talking to her daughter who is an amazing kid really and astonishingly mature for a girl who was only fifteen in July. I'm sat here typing while she is taking to her mother trying to help her.
Having a conversation about the boys earlier, she has brought up the point that her mum may not have the cohones to carry on if the kids get taken away. It's a truly horrible situation to be in for her and she is even considering moving into here in the short term although that could be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Lots and lots and lots of stuff to consider before that happens but it is good that she feels she can talk to me. I have no idea at all wherever all this is going but I feel it may be a bumpy ride.
Having a conversation about the boys earlier, she has brought up the point that her mum may not have the cohones to carry on if the kids get taken away. It's a truly horrible situation to be in for her and she is even considering moving into here in the short term although that could be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Lots and lots and lots of stuff to consider before that happens but it is good that she feels she can talk to me. I have no idea at all wherever all this is going but I feel it may be a bumpy ride.
Cotney - somehow I doubt it which would go against their policy of usually keeping children where they are rather than unsettle them. What happens though if those children are unsettled at home??
To everyone else, thanks for your comments.
Fixed up a meeting with the headteacher before school this morning ahead of the core group meeting at 11am. I'm fairly friendly with him anyway through a mutual love of football and I also coach the school football team (although not particularly successfully, results-wise).
He is coming to the core group meeting today which is good because he missed the conference on Monday through a prior commitment. He said that the older twin's school work has dropped off quality wise in the past couple of weeks although they have no concerns at present with the younger twin. Both of them were reprimanded by the teacher yesterday afternoon when I went to meet them as they had been very naughty so the only conclusion I can come to is that maybe, just maybe, this whole business is beginning to take its toll on them. At their age, (eleven), this is a massive year for them as they go to big school next year.
We'll see what today's meeting brings though.
To everyone else, thanks for your comments.
Fixed up a meeting with the headteacher before school this morning ahead of the core group meeting at 11am. I'm fairly friendly with him anyway through a mutual love of football and I also coach the school football team (although not particularly successfully, results-wise).
He is coming to the core group meeting today which is good because he missed the conference on Monday through a prior commitment. He said that the older twin's school work has dropped off quality wise in the past couple of weeks although they have no concerns at present with the younger twin. Both of them were reprimanded by the teacher yesterday afternoon when I went to meet them as they had been very naughty so the only conclusion I can come to is that maybe, just maybe, this whole business is beginning to take its toll on them. At their age, (eleven), this is a massive year for them as they go to big school next year.
We'll see what today's meeting brings though.
Good meeting today which gives me hope for the future.
Ended up in the lift on the way up with the social worker and they have said they will support me if I decided to go for residency. This is a huge boost although ultimately it would be down to a court of law to suss the final arrangements.
Also, on the way down, managed to pinch five minutes with the Head of Childcare at the daughter's school. Told her that I'd be prepared to have the daughter with me too and she was absolutely made up. She had looked worried during the meeting when the daughter's options were revealed (I hadn't said anything at that point) but in telling her my plans, I think I've helped the situation.
Have now rung my solicitors office and awaiting a call back to make an appointment. Guess it will be the first week of the New Year now but at last, wheels are rolling.
Ended up in the lift on the way up with the social worker and they have said they will support me if I decided to go for residency. This is a huge boost although ultimately it would be down to a court of law to suss the final arrangements.
Also, on the way down, managed to pinch five minutes with the Head of Childcare at the daughter's school. Told her that I'd be prepared to have the daughter with me too and she was absolutely made up. She had looked worried during the meeting when the daughter's options were revealed (I hadn't said anything at that point) but in telling her my plans, I think I've helped the situation.
Have now rung my solicitors office and awaiting a call back to make an appointment. Guess it will be the first week of the New Year now but at last, wheels are rolling.
Just when you thought it was safe to leave the thread... 
Had the boys overnight and went out geocaching this morning. Just about to get started when a phone call from ex's daughter informed me that mum hadn't returned her calls and was meant to be picking her up in 45 minutes. Well Devizes is about 40 minutes from her house so raced back to pick her up and take her to her house.
Mum, upstairs and having drunk three quarters of a bottle of vodka this morning, threatening to self harm. Calmed her down, shut the boys in the front room out of the way and after chatting (as much as you can if you're that drunk!) with her daughter, the ex came downstairs. Then took a knife and went to go for her wrists with it.
Got the knife off her, daughter rung the mental health crisis team who wouldn't come out as she wasn't sober! Ended up with daughter calling police who rang ambulance to check her out. Just left there now after getting to her house about noon.
Have both the boys and her daughter now at my house. I cannot keep the daughter here without her permission obviously but she seems happy enough to stay for the time being. The boys are a different story and as they're mine and I have parental responsibility for them, I have decided (regretfully) to not let them back into the house. Both kids have said they want to come and live with me which will be as a result of being constantly let down by her. Maybe this will be the wake-up call she needs; I almost don't care any more but those kids deserve better than hearing their mum surrounded by policemen and ambulance men, while arguing the toss and screaming at them.
The saying goes, you have to be cruel to be kind. Not quite relevant here because my only concern is for two 11-year-old boys welfare but at the end of the day, although this may appear harsh, the end of my tether has been well and truly reached.
Had the boys overnight and went out geocaching this morning. Just about to get started when a phone call from ex's daughter informed me that mum hadn't returned her calls and was meant to be picking her up in 45 minutes. Well Devizes is about 40 minutes from her house so raced back to pick her up and take her to her house.
Mum, upstairs and having drunk three quarters of a bottle of vodka this morning, threatening to self harm. Calmed her down, shut the boys in the front room out of the way and after chatting (as much as you can if you're that drunk!) with her daughter, the ex came downstairs. Then took a knife and went to go for her wrists with it.
Got the knife off her, daughter rung the mental health crisis team who wouldn't come out as she wasn't sober!
Ended up with daughter calling police who rang ambulance to check her out. Just left there now after getting to her house about noon.Have both the boys and her daughter now at my house. I cannot keep the daughter here without her permission obviously but she seems happy enough to stay for the time being. The boys are a different story and as they're mine and I have parental responsibility for them, I have decided (regretfully) to not let them back into the house. Both kids have said they want to come and live with me which will be as a result of being constantly let down by her. Maybe this will be the wake-up call she needs; I almost don't care any more but those kids deserve better than hearing their mum surrounded by policemen and ambulance men, while arguing the toss and screaming at them.
The saying goes, you have to be cruel to be kind. Not quite relevant here because my only concern is for two 11-year-old boys welfare but at the end of the day, although this may appear harsh, the end of my tether has been well and truly reached.
I hope so because right now they're getting worse.
Just had a call from the daughter who went home earlier to stay with her mum. Her uncle came round earlier and they agreed to let the ex out for a walk to clear her head. After ten minutes, they went out after her and found her coming back from the only shop in the village still open with a large bottle of vodka three quarters finished in her hand.
Now she has passed out on the floor of her bedroom and daughter cannot move her. I've got to get the twins up, dressed and over there just to put her back into bed as the daughter isnt strong enough.
This will be the death of me.
Just had a call from the daughter who went home earlier to stay with her mum. Her uncle came round earlier and they agreed to let the ex out for a walk to clear her head. After ten minutes, they went out after her and found her coming back from the only shop in the village still open with a large bottle of vodka three quarters finished in her hand.
Now she has passed out on the floor of her bedroom and daughter cannot move her. I've got to get the twins up, dressed and over there just to put her back into bed as the daughter isnt strong enough.
This will be the death of me.
Thanks all of you for taking the time and trouble to post messages...
Oobster - thanks for posting that, it couldn't have been easy. As a point of pedancy, she was a girlfriend, not a wife, but that barely matters (so why did I mention it then!!). I have supported her a lot since we split up with looking after the boys mainly as I've had them every weekend now since May 2005 pretty much. I even let her, her daughter and my two move into my house in 2007 when her relationship failed and the bloke started getting nasty. I can completely see where you're coming from as regards supporting her and there'll be as many others saying "Just get your kids out of there and forget about her!" which I'll admit I've thought about but it really helps no-one.
Funk - wish I'd thought about that but to be honest, I don't think anyone disbelieves me or doubts anything I say although I appreciate you're not really coming from that direction; more a case of confirming what I'm telling them.
NiceCupOfTea - all logged. Had issues six years ago with her and my solicitor at the time gave me the same advice and told me never to rely on my memory.
AW51 - thanks for your post. Really appreciate your thoughts on the matter and it's very kind of you to say that. It's a bit cathartic unloading all of this and I'm sure people can un-bookmark me if necessary.
Oobster - thanks for posting that, it couldn't have been easy. As a point of pedancy, she was a girlfriend, not a wife, but that barely matters (so why did I mention it then!!). I have supported her a lot since we split up with looking after the boys mainly as I've had them every weekend now since May 2005 pretty much. I even let her, her daughter and my two move into my house in 2007 when her relationship failed and the bloke started getting nasty. I can completely see where you're coming from as regards supporting her and there'll be as many others saying "Just get your kids out of there and forget about her!" which I'll admit I've thought about but it really helps no-one.
Funk - wish I'd thought about that but to be honest, I don't think anyone disbelieves me or doubts anything I say although I appreciate you're not really coming from that direction; more a case of confirming what I'm telling them.
NiceCupOfTea - all logged. Had issues six years ago with her and my solicitor at the time gave me the same advice and told me never to rely on my memory.
AW51 - thanks for your post. Really appreciate your thoughts on the matter and it's very kind of you to say that. It's a bit cathartic unloading all of this and I'm sure people can un-bookmark me if necessary.
All quiet today after yesterday's shenanigans. Her daughter has texted to ask if I want her mum to pick kids up from school on Wednesday but I've said to wait and see what the social workers say tomorrow.
She then came back with the fact that she doesn't think Social Services will do anything because none of the kids were there when she got really drunk, hence she didn't break her Child Protection Plan agreement that she signed. I will be furious if this is the case though so need legal advice and quickly. Will try to fix an appointment tomorrow with solicitor and arrange a meet with Social Services on Wednesday.
She then came back with the fact that she doesn't think Social Services will do anything because none of the kids were there when she got really drunk, hence she didn't break her Child Protection Plan agreement that she signed. I will be furious if this is the case though so need legal advice and quickly. Will try to fix an appointment tomorrow with solicitor and arrange a meet with Social Services on Wednesday.
Hit a brick wall this morning when talking to the solicitors. I went to see them re residency back in July when things started to get bad but due to the Social Services reports coming back with a "no further action to be taken" slant to them, my solicitor suggested it may be fruitless to pursue it any further.
I'd applied for public funding then as I'm on a low income and it was initially refused because we didn't go to mediation then after we did end up going there, the reports came back as above.
The solicitor's receptionist has told me this morning that the case was closed on September 13th (I knew this obviously) but that you cannot make another application for a legal aid certificate for six months after the previous case has been closed. This means there is no point (and they won't even see me) until March 13th when I can re-apply.
Still waiting for a call back from SS but they can't do much else without a court order, can they?
I'd applied for public funding then as I'm on a low income and it was initially refused because we didn't go to mediation then after we did end up going there, the reports came back as above.
The solicitor's receptionist has told me this morning that the case was closed on September 13th (I knew this obviously) but that you cannot make another application for a legal aid certificate for six months after the previous case has been closed. This means there is no point (and they won't even see me) until March 13th when I can re-apply.
Still waiting for a call back from SS but they can't do much else without a court order, can they?
aw51 121565 said:
I read this as your ex's daughter being "put on the spot" by her mum, who asked/got/forced/cajoled her to text and then to reply to your reply 
. That's not fair on her, or you.
I think you're absolutely spot on with this, AW51. I'm obviously not going to be telling either of them this but there's a lot of stuff being said which doesn't ring true when the other one says something different. . That's not fair on her, or you.For instance, daughter says she truly believes her mum was just going out for some fresh air when she went for a walk on Sunday night. If you remember, she walked to the garage and necked three quarters of a bottle of vodka before they caught up with her. Can't say I'd have let her go or if I had, I'd have gone with her.
Yet when I speak to her mum last night, she is adamant that daughter knew exactly what her mum was doing when she went out which is completely plausible too.
As for the rest of your story, thanks for posting it as it is a sad yet full of hope tale.
Kateg28 said:
Keep going, you are doing an amazing job and inspiring a lot of people.
I will go home tonight and hug my 13 year old (he will not be impressed) as I am so greatful that I don't have anything like some of the situations I read of, including yours.
Your sons, and the daughter, will be immensely proud of you and you are a brilliant role model for them. Please take some comfort in that.
Thank you, that's kind words! I will go home tonight and hug my 13 year old (he will not be impressed) as I am so greatful that I don't have anything like some of the situations I read of, including yours.
Your sons, and the daughter, will be immensely proud of you and you are a brilliant role model for them. Please take some comfort in that.
He may not be impressed but he will know you love him, that's for sure.
Warning... this is a long post but the short version is...
Mum got drunk last night, daughter stayed with a friend after being told she should go. Mum said she doesn't want the three kids any more. Daughter rang me this morning, I took her to a college interview today. Social worker rang and said the kids (all three) are now my responsibility for the foreseeable future and is coming to chat over the implications tomorrow afternoon. May even help set up a residence order. All three kids now here fed and watered and looking happy.
Now the long version...
Just before I left for the school run, the new social worker rang me. Filled me in on the last 24 hours in the life of the ex including the getting drunk last night; police called again and the ex telling her daughter that she wanted all the kids taken away and none of them to come back. Charming.
Anyhow, social worker said that as far as they are concerned, they're mine to look after for the foreseeable future. She went to see the ex this morning and said she was in a bad way and completely un-cooperative. Then went to ex's daughter's school and pulled her out of a lesson to tell her what was going to happen. Ex's daughter and I had already had a chat two or three weeks ago about it and we'd already decided that there would always be an option of a room here for her. She has another alternative which involves her staying with her best friend but until SS check this friend's parents out, I am the only realistic option (she goes to school 100 yards from my house.)
She also made an appointment to come and see me tomorrow afternoon after school to see us all together. They are happy for me to take on all three as a temporary measure although ultimately for the daughter, she is considered old enough to make her own decision once all options have been checked out.
I have decided to give the social worker a chance to discuss things tomorrow before taking anything any further. They believe that the ex won't do anything like snatching the kids from school although I've had a word with the headteacher and he is on the lookout in case anything untoward is threatened. The social worker also said that as I have PR, I have as much rights as the mum albeit falling short of a formal residency order. I mentioned this and they will definitely consider it and as I said above, this new social worker has been brilliant so far in doing everything she said she would so I'll allow her the 24 hours before doing anything else.
I know that may come as a bit of a disaapointment to some of you but I sincerely believe that I'm playing this the right way. The boys won't be going anywhere near their mother unsupervised now for a period of time (don't ask me how long but it will be weeks rather than days) and to give a clue as to how long that might be, the social worker is going to help me out with the financial aspects such as child benefit paid to me rather than the mother. This to me tends to suggest that they're looking at this arrangement in the long term rather than just a short term fix.
Once the social worker has gone tomorrow, I will draw breath at the weekend and plan a strategy going forward. Head is spinning at the moment and I have now got to reorganise the house to accommodate a 15-year-old girl and two 11-year-old boys too.
Re those of you mentioning legal aid. I won't qualify for it until March 13th as I applied for it when I went for residency last summer. The case was closed on September 13th and I cannot make a second claim for public funding until six months have elapsed. I mentioned this to Social Services on the phone today and they told me that in exceptional circumstances, they can actually "pay" for the residency order themselves.
Just went back to the house with the daughter & the boys to pick up some more clothes for all of them. Daughter went in alone and both her and mum came out with stuff. Mum said "hi" to the boys and had a brief chat but nothing more. Her AA friend is there at the moment.
In closing, thanks again for every post each one of you has done. It really is a huge help to me and if we were all in a room one day, I'd buy each and every one of you a dr...., ah maybe not then. However seriously I am very grateful for all your assistance and advice.
I now have three happy kids in my care although none of us are stupid enough to believe that this is the end of it. Oh no sirree!!
Mum got drunk last night, daughter stayed with a friend after being told she should go. Mum said she doesn't want the three kids any more. Daughter rang me this morning, I took her to a college interview today. Social worker rang and said the kids (all three) are now my responsibility for the foreseeable future and is coming to chat over the implications tomorrow afternoon. May even help set up a residence order. All three kids now here fed and watered and looking happy.
Now the long version...
Just before I left for the school run, the new social worker rang me. Filled me in on the last 24 hours in the life of the ex including the getting drunk last night; police called again and the ex telling her daughter that she wanted all the kids taken away and none of them to come back. Charming.
Anyhow, social worker said that as far as they are concerned, they're mine to look after for the foreseeable future. She went to see the ex this morning and said she was in a bad way and completely un-cooperative. Then went to ex's daughter's school and pulled her out of a lesson to tell her what was going to happen. Ex's daughter and I had already had a chat two or three weeks ago about it and we'd already decided that there would always be an option of a room here for her. She has another alternative which involves her staying with her best friend but until SS check this friend's parents out, I am the only realistic option (she goes to school 100 yards from my house.)
She also made an appointment to come and see me tomorrow afternoon after school to see us all together. They are happy for me to take on all three as a temporary measure although ultimately for the daughter, she is considered old enough to make her own decision once all options have been checked out.
I have decided to give the social worker a chance to discuss things tomorrow before taking anything any further. They believe that the ex won't do anything like snatching the kids from school although I've had a word with the headteacher and he is on the lookout in case anything untoward is threatened. The social worker also said that as I have PR, I have as much rights as the mum albeit falling short of a formal residency order. I mentioned this and they will definitely consider it and as I said above, this new social worker has been brilliant so far in doing everything she said she would so I'll allow her the 24 hours before doing anything else.
I know that may come as a bit of a disaapointment to some of you but I sincerely believe that I'm playing this the right way. The boys won't be going anywhere near their mother unsupervised now for a period of time (don't ask me how long but it will be weeks rather than days) and to give a clue as to how long that might be, the social worker is going to help me out with the financial aspects such as child benefit paid to me rather than the mother. This to me tends to suggest that they're looking at this arrangement in the long term rather than just a short term fix.
Once the social worker has gone tomorrow, I will draw breath at the weekend and plan a strategy going forward. Head is spinning at the moment and I have now got to reorganise the house to accommodate a 15-year-old girl and two 11-year-old boys too.
Re those of you mentioning legal aid. I won't qualify for it until March 13th as I applied for it when I went for residency last summer. The case was closed on September 13th and I cannot make a second claim for public funding until six months have elapsed. I mentioned this to Social Services on the phone today and they told me that in exceptional circumstances, they can actually "pay" for the residency order themselves.
Just went back to the house with the daughter & the boys to pick up some more clothes for all of them. Daughter went in alone and both her and mum came out with stuff. Mum said "hi" to the boys and had a brief chat but nothing more. Her AA friend is there at the moment.
In closing, thanks again for every post each one of you has done. It really is a huge help to me and if we were all in a room one day, I'd buy each and every one of you a dr...., ah maybe not then. However seriously I am very grateful for all your assistance and advice.
I now have three happy kids in my care although none of us are stupid enough to believe that this is the end of it. Oh no sirree!!
Just thought I'd better update the thread.
I'm now nearly nine weeks into being a single dad and loving it. Not struggled at all really although we still run out of stuff in the food cupboards now and again but that's an occupational hazard in any house and not just peculiar to mine.
Ex's daughter and my two have been living with me since January 5th / 1st respectively. It's been hard work at times and great fun at others but most importantly, they are enjoying it and have told the social worker so too. Ex;s daughter began her teen counselling sessions on Monday; I have to take her every monday dinnertime for six weeks and she is getting something out of it already.
Boys schoolwork has gone back up to the levels it was before this blew up which is obviously another good thing for my case. Head said that older twin had a wobble before Christmas (he's been the one emotionally affected most of the both of them) and now he's back up to his previous high levels, so much so that he did a Year 7/8 maths paper and passed even though he is still in Year 6.
Had a core group meeting (seven or eight people) three weeks ago and the ex stormed out as she was disagreeing with virtually everything people were saying to her. This morning, it's the core group conference which is the bigger meeting (the one that 21 people were invited to first time round) and the latest social workers report will be there to read.
Ex now has a solicitor and she sent a letter saying she was going to go to court for a residency order as I wasn't returning the children to her. Aside from the fact that SS don't want me to return them, SS laughed (literally) at the suggestion she would even have a chance and told me to keep calm and carry on! That one will run and run.
Ex has apparently been dry for three weeks now although with no one at home, people have to take her word for it. She is doing a local alcohol awareness course before embarking on a more detailed one that she needs to be referred on to.
Financial side still not sorted although I have put the forms in to claim for child benefit and child tax credits.
That's it, I'll let you know more after the meeting.
I'm now nearly nine weeks into being a single dad and loving it. Not struggled at all really although we still run out of stuff in the food cupboards now and again but that's an occupational hazard in any house and not just peculiar to mine.
Ex's daughter and my two have been living with me since January 5th / 1st respectively. It's been hard work at times and great fun at others but most importantly, they are enjoying it and have told the social worker so too. Ex;s daughter began her teen counselling sessions on Monday; I have to take her every monday dinnertime for six weeks and she is getting something out of it already.
Boys schoolwork has gone back up to the levels it was before this blew up which is obviously another good thing for my case. Head said that older twin had a wobble before Christmas (he's been the one emotionally affected most of the both of them) and now he's back up to his previous high levels, so much so that he did a Year 7/8 maths paper and passed even though he is still in Year 6.
Had a core group meeting (seven or eight people) three weeks ago and the ex stormed out as she was disagreeing with virtually everything people were saying to her. This morning, it's the core group conference which is the bigger meeting (the one that 21 people were invited to first time round) and the latest social workers report will be there to read.
Ex now has a solicitor and she sent a letter saying she was going to go to court for a residency order as I wasn't returning the children to her. Aside from the fact that SS don't want me to return them, SS laughed (literally) at the suggestion she would even have a chance and told me to keep calm and carry on! That one will run and run.
Ex has apparently been dry for three weeks now although with no one at home, people have to take her word for it. She is doing a local alcohol awareness course before embarking on a more detailed one that she needs to be referred on to.
Financial side still not sorted although I have put the forms in to claim for child benefit and child tax credits.
That's it, I'll let you know more after the meeting.
Just another brief update folks.
The core group conference couldn't have gone much better really. I read the report before going into the meeting and it makes it very clear that everything should continue as it has with regards the care of the children and that they're very happy with my parental abilities at present.
There was two bits I didn't expect to read. Firstly (and I'm not sure I mentioned it on here) she cut her finger in the early New Year and had an operation at hospital to sort it out, being kept in for two nights. It was explained at the time as an accident where she was drunk and smashed a glass, cutting her finger on it. The report implies that it was more than an accident and that it was done on purpose as a case of self harm. That kind of ties up with what appeared to be a way-bigger-than-necessary bandage that went almost up to her elbow when she was recovering.
The second thing was that the report states that there should be a period of at least six months of "dryness" before any more periods of instability for the children; in other words, the children will be with me (courts permitting) until at least July (or later if she comes off the wagon). At least that gives me a little more light at the end of the tunnel and will allow me to plan better. Quite where this leaves her residency application is one question; it doesn't affect mine because I've got to think of the children and press forward with my own application now.
Thanks for taking the time and trouble to read and comment.
The core group conference couldn't have gone much better really. I read the report before going into the meeting and it makes it very clear that everything should continue as it has with regards the care of the children and that they're very happy with my parental abilities at present.
There was two bits I didn't expect to read. Firstly (and I'm not sure I mentioned it on here) she cut her finger in the early New Year and had an operation at hospital to sort it out, being kept in for two nights. It was explained at the time as an accident where she was drunk and smashed a glass, cutting her finger on it. The report implies that it was more than an accident and that it was done on purpose as a case of self harm. That kind of ties up with what appeared to be a way-bigger-than-necessary bandage that went almost up to her elbow when she was recovering.
The second thing was that the report states that there should be a period of at least six months of "dryness" before any more periods of instability for the children; in other words, the children will be with me (courts permitting) until at least July (or later if she comes off the wagon). At least that gives me a little more light at the end of the tunnel and will allow me to plan better. Quite where this leaves her residency application is one question; it doesn't affect mine because I've got to think of the children and press forward with my own application now.
Thanks for taking the time and trouble to read and comment.
StottyZr said:
What a great ending! Best of luck to you and your family
Also if your claiming child benefit and child tax credits from the date they moved in with you, I would expect you will be back paid and your ex will receive a bill for what she was paid and not entitled to?
Child Benefit was paid into my account today, three weeks worth. That makes sense as they've been with me for eight weeks now and they paid CB to her for the first five weeks.Also if your claiming child benefit and child tax credits from the date they moved in with you, I would expect you will be back paid and your ex will receive a bill for what she was paid and not entitled to?
Child Tax Credit hasn't been sorted yet and was unlikely to be until CB was resolved. Once that get sorted, then yes there will be a backpayment as they've been paying her all along and she has been giving me what she can, a total of around £425 in the eight weeks. Of course my circumstances and hers are different and I may not get as much per week as her (she gets £155 a week CTC) but once the payment is credited to my account, I'll give her every penny of the £425 back as she will get a bill from HMRC.
mattyn1 said:
Hi Smart Mart.
I have just found this thread - and it is probably the most inspirational thread I have read anywhere.
The system is complicated, but from the beginning you have maintained a dignified and focussed attitude in your posts - when I am sure you were ready to explode. It all puts my own "ex" issues into perspective, but I do see certain similarities.
Our children are the most important thing in our lives - they are our future afetr all. To keep this going for as long as you have is highly commendable - and I echo what everyone has stated inasmuch I wish you and all three of your chuildren all the very best.
You will in time find they correct way to involve your ex with her children. One question - do you consider the daughter as your own? There has been little mentioned of her Dad.
In short - you are a top bloke.
Kind of you to say so, thanks very much.I have just found this thread - and it is probably the most inspirational thread I have read anywhere.
The system is complicated, but from the beginning you have maintained a dignified and focussed attitude in your posts - when I am sure you were ready to explode. It all puts my own "ex" issues into perspective, but I do see certain similarities.
Our children are the most important thing in our lives - they are our future afetr all. To keep this going for as long as you have is highly commendable - and I echo what everyone has stated inasmuch I wish you and all three of your chuildren all the very best.
You will in time find they correct way to involve your ex with her children. One question - do you consider the daughter as your own? There has been little mentioned of her Dad.
In short - you are a top bloke.
As for ex's daughter being considered my own? In a nutshell, no, as to be honest, we've never really been close but it would cause endless problems with jealousy and my own daughter who is eleven months older and has never really lived with me for any length of time as we split up when she was six months old.
That said, I stressed at the meeting that when I go for a residence order that although I cannot officially apply for one for her, she is welcome to stay as long as she wants.
And to stay as long as she wants isn't very long as I have just been hit with a bombshell!
Ex's daughter is going back home to live with mum in the morning. She mentioned before she went away to her dad/stepmums for the weekend that her mum had asked her to come back. I'm stunned that she is going back, but not really sure why I'm stunned but there you go.
Her mother applied for ajob recently and has got it but it will put a heck of a demand on her as she is soon to be referred on to a course of rehab that will be five days a week from 10am to 2pm. The job's hours are 3pm to 7pm, also five days a week so she would hardly see the kids. Some might say the job will do her good and keep her dry whereas others may suggest that the best thing would be to complete rehab before re-entering a world of work she's not been in for several years. Apparently she will get a JSA-related payment for a single parent returning to work which she wouldn't get, of course, if she didn't have any children living there at all and obviously an extra £20 a week in child benefit and the CTC forms will all have to be refilled in again before even the first claim has been settled. Cynical, me? Nah, not really....
Best off ringing the social worker in the morning but as she is deemed "Fraser competent" (I think its called that), then there isn't a lot I can do as I haven't got parental responsibility for her. Not sure the social worker will be all that chuffed but speaking purely selfishly, I'm more concerned how this will affect my chances of getting the twins on a full time basis.
I would rather do anything than let the boys back as she is at most a month into a long, long road back to recovery. I can only hope that the social worker remains on side in it all and backs me when this all inevitably comes to court.
Off to bed now for a good, long think!
Ex's daughter is going back home to live with mum in the morning. She mentioned before she went away to her dad/stepmums for the weekend that her mum had asked her to come back. I'm stunned that she is going back, but not really sure why I'm stunned but there you go.
Her mother applied for ajob recently and has got it but it will put a heck of a demand on her as she is soon to be referred on to a course of rehab that will be five days a week from 10am to 2pm. The job's hours are 3pm to 7pm, also five days a week so she would hardly see the kids. Some might say the job will do her good and keep her dry whereas others may suggest that the best thing would be to complete rehab before re-entering a world of work she's not been in for several years. Apparently she will get a JSA-related payment for a single parent returning to work which she wouldn't get, of course, if she didn't have any children living there at all and obviously an extra £20 a week in child benefit and the CTC forms will all have to be refilled in again before even the first claim has been settled. Cynical, me? Nah, not really....
Best off ringing the social worker in the morning but as she is deemed "Fraser competent" (I think its called that), then there isn't a lot I can do as I haven't got parental responsibility for her. Not sure the social worker will be all that chuffed but speaking purely selfishly, I'm more concerned how this will affect my chances of getting the twins on a full time basis.
I would rather do anything than let the boys back as she is at most a month into a long, long road back to recovery. I can only hope that the social worker remains on side in it all and backs me when this all inevitably comes to court.
Off to bed now for a good, long think!
Edited by Smart Mart on Sunday 4th March 23:07
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