Drink Driving - a question!
Discussion
Understood.
What is possible and what may be a good course of action is an SRO but undefined.
'Twins will reside with mother AND father as agreed' type thing.
Orders are granted on this vague a basis which could provide all parties an 'insurance' (s
t word but can't think of a better one) should things go back to being a little more unsettled.
What is possible and what may be a good course of action is an SRO but undefined.
'Twins will reside with mother AND father as agreed' type thing.
Orders are granted on this vague a basis which could provide all parties an 'insurance' (s
t word but can't think of a better one) should things go back to being a little more unsettled.
Derek Smith said:
With the attiitude you are showing I think the kids will be alright.
If I can put a suggestion: keep on keeping records. It always helps. If you are asked why you kept them, you can always say lots of people told you to.
All suggestions received with thanks, Derek.If I can put a suggestion: keep on keeping records. It always helps. If you are asked why you kept them, you can always say lots of people told you to.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given at the start (from an internet forum, funnily enough) was to write everything down and not rely years later on your memory. Great advice and has proved invaluable since.
Plotloss said:
Understood.
What is possible and what may be a good course of action is an SRO but undefined.
'Twins will reside with mother AND father as agreed' type thing.
Orders are granted on this vague a basis which could provide all parties an 'insurance' (st word but can't think of a better one) should things go back to being a little more unsettled.
Thank you, that might be worth considering. What is possible and what may be a good course of action is an SRO but undefined.
'Twins will reside with mother AND father as agreed' type thing.
Orders are granted on this vague a basis which could provide all parties an 'insurance' (s
t word but can't think of a better one) should things go back to being a little more unsettled.Smart Mart said:
Derek Smith said:
With the attiitude you are showing I think the kids will be alright.
If I can put a suggestion: keep on keeping records. It always helps. If you are asked why you kept them, you can always say lots of people told you to.
All suggestions received with thanks, Derek.If I can put a suggestion: keep on keeping records. It always helps. If you are asked why you kept them, you can always say lots of people told you to.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given at the start (from an internet forum, funnily enough) was to write everything down and not rely years later on your memory. Great advice and has proved invaluable since.
gruffalo said:
Further to this write every thing down on paper, have it witnessed and dated and place in a sealed envelope and sign across the seal, then if it does get messy the evidence can get opened in court, having been writen at the time of the act this and not provided from recolection. This gives it much more weight with any court.
Thank you gruffalo!! 
Bit of a setback today if I'm honest.
One of the things that gave me hope that she has changed for good was the insistence that her on/off relationship with her b/f was over for good. Even in the report, it states that she has taken steps to move on.
Sadly though, went past her house tonight on the way home and his car was parked in her drive. Have to say I have lowered myself to send two snotty (not abusive, just snotty) text messages tonight but no reply.
Sometimes it seems that doing things the right way isn't always the right way.
I think it looks almost inevitable that I go for shared residence now, hopefully awarded based on past reports of constant relationship upheavals.
Thanks again Plotloss (and others of course) for your kind advice.
One of the things that gave me hope that she has changed for good was the insistence that her on/off relationship with her b/f was over for good. Even in the report, it states that she has taken steps to move on.
Sadly though, went past her house tonight on the way home and his car was parked in her drive. Have to say I have lowered myself to send two snotty (not abusive, just snotty) text messages tonight but no reply.
Sometimes it seems that doing things the right way isn't always the right way.
I think it looks almost inevitable that I go for shared residence now, hopefully awarded based on past reports of constant relationship upheavals.
Thanks again Plotloss (and others of course) for your kind advice.
Mate, I really feel for you. It must be a horrible situation to be in but from reading your posts, which seem to be well written, unemotional and factual, you look like you may be coping quite well, at least outwardly anyway. I don't have any kids myself but I can imagine how much it must be hurting you to see the situation in front of you.
Chin up mate and take some strength from knowing that there are people out there rooting for you and for the situation to stabilise.
Chin up mate and take some strength from knowing that there are people out there rooting for you and for the situation to stabilise.
Still going here, ploughing a lonely furrow through life's choppy seas.
Went on holiday with the twins two weeks ago to Exmouth and had a great time. Driving back up the M5 and got a phone call from twins sister saying she wanted me to keep hold of the boys for an extra few days. Burbled a half-hearted explanation but she was upset so didn't get a lot of details.
Turned out that her (and the boys) mum had got blind drunk, threatened to harm herself and when the ambulance was called, threatened them too hence the police came to arrest her. After the police let her go, she basically reached rock bottom and admitted to being an alcoholic. She went to the doctors and she got a plan from him outlining potential support groups etc and a pathway forward to deal with problems. Ended up having the boys back that night after all.
Been all quiet since with lots of sheepish looks from her when I go to pick up or drop the boys off. Apparently that last debacle was due to her finally splitting up with the ex-boyfriend although I'll believe it when I see it.
Today, a turn for the worse.
Dropped the boys home after football training and went home when I got a call from their sister saying that their mum hadn't picked her up from school. Eventually her mum (who claimed to be ill) turned up and picked her up an hour late after being asleep apparently.
Anyway got another phone call about 45 minutes later from her daughter who said that the boys mum was refusing to make them tea and just wanted to be left alone. She asked me to come over and have the boys stay over tonight and take them to school tomorrow morning as she (the daughter) has a GCSE Maths exam tomorrow and needed to revise and obviously looking after two ten year olds, bathing them, feeding them and putting them to bed was going to be tricky (fair enough!!).
Boys are over here now, safe and warm and fed and bathed. Yet I feel so helpless as a dad without custody because this cannot go on. Their mother has admitted to being an alcoholic and is currently on anti depressants which apparently will have some side effects. Was today's "illness" one of those side effects or had she been drinking again? The boys said she had driven back from picking her daughter up in a wobbly fashion..... In a lot of cases, children don't have a second safe option to retreat to yet in my case they do.
One comment that did give me hope. Her daughter (who's 15 by the way) said that if her mum did start drinking, and I decided to go for residency again), she would back me in court. It's a nice thing to say but she'd have to be one hell of a brave girl to stand up in front of a judge to state that.
Went on holiday with the twins two weeks ago to Exmouth and had a great time. Driving back up the M5 and got a phone call from twins sister saying she wanted me to keep hold of the boys for an extra few days. Burbled a half-hearted explanation but she was upset so didn't get a lot of details.
Turned out that her (and the boys) mum had got blind drunk, threatened to harm herself and when the ambulance was called, threatened them too hence the police came to arrest her. After the police let her go, she basically reached rock bottom and admitted to being an alcoholic. She went to the doctors and she got a plan from him outlining potential support groups etc and a pathway forward to deal with problems. Ended up having the boys back that night after all.
Been all quiet since with lots of sheepish looks from her when I go to pick up or drop the boys off. Apparently that last debacle was due to her finally splitting up with the ex-boyfriend although I'll believe it when I see it.
Today, a turn for the worse.
Dropped the boys home after football training and went home when I got a call from their sister saying that their mum hadn't picked her up from school. Eventually her mum (who claimed to be ill) turned up and picked her up an hour late after being asleep apparently.
Anyway got another phone call about 45 minutes later from her daughter who said that the boys mum was refusing to make them tea and just wanted to be left alone. She asked me to come over and have the boys stay over tonight and take them to school tomorrow morning as she (the daughter) has a GCSE Maths exam tomorrow and needed to revise and obviously looking after two ten year olds, bathing them, feeding them and putting them to bed was going to be tricky (fair enough!!).
Boys are over here now, safe and warm and fed and bathed. Yet I feel so helpless as a dad without custody because this cannot go on. Their mother has admitted to being an alcoholic and is currently on anti depressants which apparently will have some side effects. Was today's "illness" one of those side effects or had she been drinking again? The boys said she had driven back from picking her daughter up in a wobbly fashion..... In a lot of cases, children don't have a second safe option to retreat to yet in my case they do.
One comment that did give me hope. Her daughter (who's 15 by the way) said that if her mum did start drinking, and I decided to go for residency again), she would back me in court. It's a nice thing to say but she'd have to be one hell of a brave girl to stand up in front of a judge to state that.
SM - got my sympathies -my youngest lad has two kids by partner who chuched him out . Every so often he gets threating texts from her . Now she's got BF (now thrown out ). On one ocasion my daughter went to help him pick up kids she smelt WEED .She's now got more kids by partner ,but she just wants to cause problems .He gets kids every weekend - last two he's had no means of fetching them -but she's gotten them to him .He's got PRO on both ,but at present can't afford to keep them if she gave them to him .
pulliptears said:
no advice, just wanted to say what an amazing Dad you are, and an incredibly patient one. The twins will be fine as long as they have you, the 15 year old though I feel especially sorry for, a child shouldn't have that responsibility. I just hope her Father is as caring as you.
Thanks for your kind words. 
The 15-year-old is an amazing kid really considering the stuff she has seen and had to put up with. I split with her mum for the final time around six or seven years ago and since then, she has seen her mum have five more boyfriends, three of which she has lived with. This is in addition to her dad, another man and then me by the time she was four years old....
As I said earlier, she had a GCSE in Maths today so I hope she got the revision done okay and managed to cope with the exam today. I have a daughter a year older than her so know what it is like going through the final year of exams and she has a tough year ahead of her. Being her mum's nursemaid shouldn't really come into it really.
With reagrds to her dad, she is quite close to him but last year, he was buried up above his neck in debt and suffered a breakdown where he wrote everyone notes and fled to America. He came back a couple of weeks later but thankfully, his wife (the daughter's step-mum) is grounded and also works in mental health so is in a good position to deal with things and help her stepdaughter.
I have a horrible feeling that all of this is a ticking timebomb though.
Smart Mart said:
Thanks for your kind words.
The 15-year-old is an amazing kid really considering the stuff she has seen and had to put up with. I split with her mum for the final time around six or seven years ago and since then, she has seen her mum have five more boyfriends, three of which she has lived with. This is in addition to her dad, another man and then me by the time she was four years old....
As I said earlier, she had a GCSE in Maths today so I hope she got the revision done okay and managed to cope with the exam today. I have a daughter a year older than her so know what it is like going through the final year of exams and she has a tough year ahead of her. Being her mum's nursemaid shouldn't really come into it really.
With reagrds to her dad, she is quite close to him but last year, he was buried up above his neck in debt and suffered a breakdown where he wrote everyone notes and fled to America. He came back a couple of weeks later but thankfully, his wife (the daughter's step-mum) is grounded and also works in mental health so is in a good position to deal with things and help her stepdaughter.
I have a horrible feeling that all of this is a ticking timebomb though.
Terrible situation all round isn't it. Still, looking to the positives you have the lines of communication open and she isn't digging her heels in with access etc, must be exceptionally frustrating for you.The 15-year-old is an amazing kid really considering the stuff she has seen and had to put up with. I split with her mum for the final time around six or seven years ago and since then, she has seen her mum have five more boyfriends, three of which she has lived with. This is in addition to her dad, another man and then me by the time she was four years old....
As I said earlier, she had a GCSE in Maths today so I hope she got the revision done okay and managed to cope with the exam today. I have a daughter a year older than her so know what it is like going through the final year of exams and she has a tough year ahead of her. Being her mum's nursemaid shouldn't really come into it really.
With reagrds to her dad, she is quite close to him but last year, he was buried up above his neck in debt and suffered a breakdown where he wrote everyone notes and fled to America. He came back a couple of weeks later but thankfully, his wife (the daughter's step-mum) is grounded and also works in mental health so is in a good position to deal with things and help her stepdaughter.
I have a horrible feeling that all of this is a ticking timebomb though.
The 15 year old really does sound like a fabulous, level headed kid, not many would cope with the things she is, I just hope that she doesn't resent it all later down the line.
I guess all you can do is keep 'being there' keep written records of everything and keep your solicitors informed, hopefully Mum will wake up and realise what she is missing out on.
I appreciate that the numbers of interested "bookmarkers" is probably vanishing by the day but just wanted to update the situation for my sanity if nobody else's... 
Had a phone call from the local Children's Services social worker today regarding the latest incident detailed a few posts above. They wanted to get my feelings on that particular situation and they also want to meet me on Friday at their office, basically to get my side of the story.
Turns out that I will also be getting an invite to a Child Protection Plan meeting in two weeks time. This will see a group of social workers, myself and the mother all determine a strategy for going forward from here with one option being putting the boys on the child protection register "at risk".
I still have mixed feelings about this move if it happens. On the one hand, at last the authorities seem to be moving forward and trying to work something out rather than just accepting things and saying they're sure things will get better and that the children are managing the situation well. On the other hand, it also means they think that they have serious concerns about the mother's parenting skills (well documented above) and that they want to keep an eye on things.
Personally, and I know I'm biased, I cannot see why awarding me sole residency is such a big deal. The boys stay with me two, sometimes three nights a week and love it here having stuck to that routine for six years or more now. I don't drink (mother is an alcoholic), I don't smoke (mother is a smoker of twenty years) and I don't bring a continual stream of unsuitable partners into the house (since 2005, she has introduced boys to six partners, myself one!).
Next year they go to a secondary school a hundred yards from my house. I'd happily consider a reverse arrangement to what is in place now (five days with me, two with her) which would allow her to get work as she is desperate to work having been on benefits since 2004. I work from home as a website administrator meaning that I could arrange my work around the boys rather than arranging my boys around my social life.
Sorry if this seems bitter but if, after all of this, nothing happens, I wiull be hugely disappointed.
Had a phone call from the local Children's Services social worker today regarding the latest incident detailed a few posts above. They wanted to get my feelings on that particular situation and they also want to meet me on Friday at their office, basically to get my side of the story.
Turns out that I will also be getting an invite to a Child Protection Plan meeting in two weeks time. This will see a group of social workers, myself and the mother all determine a strategy for going forward from here with one option being putting the boys on the child protection register "at risk".
I still have mixed feelings about this move if it happens. On the one hand, at last the authorities seem to be moving forward and trying to work something out rather than just accepting things and saying they're sure things will get better and that the children are managing the situation well. On the other hand, it also means they think that they have serious concerns about the mother's parenting skills (well documented above) and that they want to keep an eye on things.
Personally, and I know I'm biased, I cannot see why awarding me sole residency is such a big deal. The boys stay with me two, sometimes three nights a week and love it here having stuck to that routine for six years or more now. I don't drink (mother is an alcoholic), I don't smoke (mother is a smoker of twenty years) and I don't bring a continual stream of unsuitable partners into the house (since 2005, she has introduced boys to six partners, myself one!).
Next year they go to a secondary school a hundred yards from my house. I'd happily consider a reverse arrangement to what is in place now (five days with me, two with her) which would allow her to get work as she is desperate to work having been on benefits since 2004. I work from home as a website administrator meaning that I could arrange my work around the boys rather than arranging my boys around my social life.
Sorry if this seems bitter but if, after all of this, nothing happens, I wiull be hugely disappointed.
Still watching and hoping for some luck at your end.
IMHO Mother needs to admit that what she needs to do now is get herself sorted, and that means letting the kids live with you for the foreseeable. Sounds to me like she's not capable and it concerns me that the authorities don't seem to recognise this...
IMHO Mother needs to admit that what she needs to do now is get herself sorted, and that means letting the kids live with you for the foreseeable. Sounds to me like she's not capable and it concerns me that the authorities don't seem to recognise this...
Thank you all.
If I'm honest, a tiny piece of me is hoping that the great big wheels of children's welfare are slowly beginning to turn. I'll have more of an idea after the initial meeting on Friday; she'll give me an idea as to whether I should engage a solicitor again or not. Until then, we just sit and wait.
The daughter's testimony might end up being important and again last night, she reaffirmed that she would back me in any residency issues. Sad thing is that she is in her last year at school and doesn't really need this crap. Re the boys, the solicitor I had five years ago when I went for a PRO said that when the boys reach twelve years old, their opinion as to what they want is taken into account more than before that age. They were eleven on Friday!
If I'm honest, a tiny piece of me is hoping that the great big wheels of children's welfare are slowly beginning to turn. I'll have more of an idea after the initial meeting on Friday; she'll give me an idea as to whether I should engage a solicitor again or not. Until then, we just sit and wait.
The daughter's testimony might end up being important and again last night, she reaffirmed that she would back me in any residency issues. Sad thing is that she is in her last year at school and doesn't really need this crap. Re the boys, the solicitor I had five years ago when I went for a PRO said that when the boys reach twelve years old, their opinion as to what they want is taken into account more than before that age. They were eleven on Friday!
Mainly posting so this appears in 'my stuff'
Really feel for you. What a st situation. Where kids have one parent like you and one with issues I really can't see any justification for them not being with you. Have you spoken to the mother about having them more/switching the arrangement? She may want to.
Really feel for you. What a s
t situation. Where kids have one parent like you and one with issues I really can't see any justification for them not being with you. Have you spoken to the mother about having them more/switching the arrangement? She may want to.BJG1 said:
Mainly posting so this appears in 'my stuff'
Really feel for you. What a st situation. Where kids have one parent like you and one with issues I really can't see any justification for them not being with you. Have you spoken to the mother about having them more/switching the arrangement? She may want to.
Thanks for posting. I've mentioned it before but I think she'd sooner curl up and die than let me have them. It's hard for a mum to give up her kids to a dad she is apart from. Turning it around, I wouldn't do it unless there was absolutely no other way in dealing with it.Really feel for you. What a s
t situation. Where kids have one parent like you and one with issues I really can't see any justification for them not being with you. Have you spoken to the mother about having them more/switching the arrangement? She may want to.It was last brought up three years ago when she was in the process of splitting up with an abusive b/f. He had threatened her and she was looking at going into a refuge with the three kids so I suggested the boys came to live with me temporarily and she and her daughter could be "refuged". That went down well, not! Wouldn't entertain it at all in any form so in the end, they all came to stay with me and I slept on the floor for five weeks.
It might get a more favourable reaction if it came from a social worker or, eventually, a judge but from me, it would get a negative I'm afraid.
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