Sean Connery Joke (Volume II)
Discussion
Almost certainly a repost. If so apologies in advance.
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twot"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twot"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
I always used to dread going to family weddings because all the old biddies there would come up to me, poke me in the side and say "You'll be next".
The interfering b
hes soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Look, this thread is 168 pages long so if it's a repost so be it.
The interfering b
hes soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.Look, this thread is 168 pages long so if it's a repost so be it.
satch said:
claypigeon60 said:
Fer said:
I guess that goes with the "I met the guy that invented the crossword. His name was P something T something R"
That's just got to be Steven Wright ... ?And off the top of my head....
/deep droll voice mode on
SR: I bought my friend some wrapping paper as a present. I took it to the counter and I said "could you wrap this for me please? but use a different one so he knows when to stop"
A friend said to me the other day "you have un matching socks on" I said " to me they're the same because I go by thickness"
I was hitchiking and this guy in a car transporter stopped to pick me up. he said he had no room in teh cab but I could jump in one of the cars, he must have been really into it too 'cos he picked up 9 more. we all had our own cars. he got caught doing 90, we all got speeding tickets.
I was walking through the forest last week and right in front of me a tree fell. Didn't hear it.
I like to take my dog for walks around the ledges of very tall buildings. I'm not scared of heights, i have a fear of widths.
if you can't hear me its becasue i'm in parentheses.
I went to the general store to buy some used paint. it came in the shape of a house.
I have a scale map of the united states. Actual size. 1 mile.....equals one mile. people ask me where i live i say E5.
One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (Thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."
Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes.
Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.
Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back.
"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE bd WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"
Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes.
Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.
Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back.
"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE b
d WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"You probably have to hear Steven Wright to get the best out of him ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYffXv7jMYQ
3 minutes in ... "Well, everybody dies instantly .. it's the only way you can die. You're alive, you're alive, you're alive then you're dead"
He was the voice of the DJ in Reservoir Dogs too - the bit when the guy has his ear cut off ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYffXv7jMYQ
3 minutes in ... "Well, everybody dies instantly .. it's the only way you can die. You're alive, you're alive, you're alive then you're dead"
He was the voice of the DJ in Reservoir Dogs too - the bit when the guy has his ear cut off ...
Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said...
..."F*uck off you red nosed, big shoed c*unt”.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said...
..."F*uck off you red nosed, big shoed c*unt”.
Edited by vixen1700 on Tuesday 13th May 13:16
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
The Wiz said:
A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
Oh what a Carry On!!After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
A woman and a man have been married for 30 years and have always enjoyed an active sex life.
However, the husband always insisted on sex with the lights off. The wife had always thought this was a bit silly, but went along with it without complaint.
One day, though, she though she would surprise him. So that night, when they got down to it, she flicked on the lamp on the bedside table, only to see her husband in between her legs holding a big dildo.
"YOU DISHONEST, IMPOTENT BTARD!", she yells. "HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME FOR ALL THESE YEARS? I DEMAND YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELF".
The husband, without batting an eyelid, calmly replies;
"I'll explain the dildo, if you can explain our three kids!"
However, the husband always insisted on sex with the lights off. The wife had always thought this was a bit silly, but went along with it without complaint.
One day, though, she though she would surprise him. So that night, when they got down to it, she flicked on the lamp on the bedside table, only to see her husband in between her legs holding a big dildo.
"YOU DISHONEST, IMPOTENT B
TARD!", she yells. "HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME FOR ALL THESE YEARS? I DEMAND YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELF".The husband, without batting an eyelid, calmly replies;
"I'll explain the dildo, if you can explain our three kids!"
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