Sean Connery Joke (Volume II)
Discussion
A SPANISH Teacher was
explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
>Eight Words with Two Meanings
>
>1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
>Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
>Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
>2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
>Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
>Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
>
>3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
>Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
>Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
>
>4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
>Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
>Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
>
>5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
>Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
>Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
>
>6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
>Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
>Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
>
>7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
>Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
>Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
>
>8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
>Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
>Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
>
>1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
>Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
>Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
>2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
>Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
>Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
>
>3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
>Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
>Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
>
>4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
>Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
>Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
>
>5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
>Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
>Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
>
>6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
>Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
>Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
>
>7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
>Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
>Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
>
>8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
>Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
>Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
B16 RTT said:
The Wiz said:
stu_the_flat said:
R5GTTgaz said:
Dark humour is not for everyone.
Very bad puns are not for everyone as well! 
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only Juan
The Wiz said:
B16 RTT said:
The Wiz said:
stu_the_flat said:
R5GTTgaz said:
Dark humour is not for everyone.
Very bad puns are not for everyone as well! How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only Juan
xiphias said:
satch said:
Glassman said:
satch said:
they're not my fecking jokes ffs
i was giving a few examples. jaysus h christ.
i was giving a few examples. jaysus h christ.
whateva
Satch said:
I bought my friend some wrapping paper as a present. I took it to the counter and I said "could you wrap this for me please? but use a different one so he knows when to stop"
Sitting round a small coffee table in a room of an international insurance company, a group of 4 people waited for a job interview. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking fat lady.
After 15 minutes in complete silence, and avoiding each other's eye contact, there was a power cut. The unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. Two minutes later the power came on again and the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a b
h wanted to touch me and by mistake must have put his hand on the fat lady who slapped his face"
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That damned Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another power cut soon so I can smack that French tt again".
After 15 minutes in complete silence, and avoiding each other's eye contact, there was a power cut. The unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. Two minutes later the power came on again and the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a b
h wanted to touch me and by mistake must have put his hand on the fat lady who slapped his face" The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That damned Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another power cut soon so I can smack that French t
t again". Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman at work as builders. On top of a skyscraper.
Englishman opens his sandwich box, see's he has ham sandwiches. He says "FFS, everyday ham, ham,ham,ham...if she makes me ham again I'm gonna throw myself off this building"
Scotsman opens his sandwich box, see's he has tuna sandwiches. He cries "Och, if she thinks aam eatin this shhyyyte once mare, I'm gannae thraw masel awfa this buiding so ah am"
Irishman opens his. See's cheese sandwiches. He yells "Sweet bee-jeezus, Mary mother of God. If she thinks I'm eatin cheese again, I'm going to throw myself off so help me god"
Next day, Englishman opens his, see's ham sandwiches yet again. "Right lads" he says. "That's it, I've had enough" ...and jumps 50 stories to his death.
Scotsman says " Tuna...that bh!"...and he too, throws himself off the buidling to meet his maker.
Irishman says " Cheese" ..sighs..and he too throws himself off.
A week later at the funeral, the widows, crying, are talking about the tragedy.
The English widow says "If only John had asked for something different..I would've made it..it's such a waste"
The Scottish widow, equally devasted says " I know, it's the same with Hamish...he awnly haad tae ask...what a waste of a young life"
The Irish widow, looking confused by the whole thing says "Well I just don't get the whole thing....
Seamus always made his own sandwiches"
Englishman opens his sandwich box, see's he has ham sandwiches. He says "FFS, everyday ham, ham,ham,ham...if she makes me ham again I'm gonna throw myself off this building"
Scotsman opens his sandwich box, see's he has tuna sandwiches. He cries "Och, if she thinks aam eatin this shhyyyte once mare, I'm gannae thraw masel awfa this buiding so ah am"
Irishman opens his. See's cheese sandwiches. He yells "Sweet bee-jeezus, Mary mother of God. If she thinks I'm eatin cheese again, I'm going to throw myself off so help me god"
Next day, Englishman opens his, see's ham sandwiches yet again. "Right lads" he says. "That's it, I've had enough" ...and jumps 50 stories to his death.
Scotsman says " Tuna...that b
h!"...and he too, throws himself off the buidling to meet his maker.Irishman says " Cheese" ..sighs..and he too throws himself off.
A week later at the funeral, the widows, crying, are talking about the tragedy.
The English widow says "If only John had asked for something different..I would've made it..it's such a waste"
The Scottish widow, equally devasted says " I know, it's the same with Hamish...he awnly haad tae ask...what a waste of a young life"
The Irish widow, looking confused by the whole thing says "Well I just don't get the whole thing....
Seamus always made his own sandwiches"
AN OLDIE
THE QUEEN'S IQ TEST"
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks
her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.Please answer this
question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, Your Majesty." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for
me." "Why, of course, sir.
What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms
hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the
answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "You dumb ass” he said, “It's Tony Blair."
THE QUEEN'S IQ TEST"
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks
her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself
with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.Please answer this
question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, Your Majesty." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the
White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for
me." "Why, of course, sir.
What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms
hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the
answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "You dumb ass” he said, “It's Tony Blair."
(thanks to www.sexistpage.org.uk)
One day, a Sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.
Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."
Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."
Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"
The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"
One day, a Sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.
Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."
Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."
Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"
The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"
David Blaine today broke the world record for holding his breath on Oprah - 17 minutes and four seconds. Blaine has now frozen himself, he's starved himself, he's gone without sleep for weeks, and deprived himself of oxygen. Today, USA officials at Guantanamo Bay said, "See, it's not torture. It's magic."
Gassing Station | The Pie & Piston Archive | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff