Sean Connery Joke (Volume II)
Discussion
about at the crematorium"
Chuck Norris only has two speeds: "walk" and "kill"
Chuck Norris is so hard that if he jumped in a river, he wouldn't get wet - the river would get Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked BA Barracas at the same time as BA pitied Chuck Norris, the world would reboot to 1984.
If you diss Chuck, he'll karate chop you into a quabillion pieces. If you inform him that quabillion isn't a real number, he'll roudhouse kick you into a bajillion pieces...
Chuck Norris is so hard that if he jumped in a river, he wouldn't get wet - the river would get Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked BA Barracas at the same time as BA pitied Chuck Norris, the world would reboot to 1984.
If you diss Chuck, he'll karate chop you into a quabillion pieces. If you inform him that quabillion isn't a real number, he'll roudhouse kick you into a bajillion pieces...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear (eg 1st or 2nd) were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
A pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear (eg 1st or 2nd) were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
A pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A little bunny rabbit was out on his daily run through the Jungle..
He comes across the Elephant, who is smoking a joint.
Hey mister Elephant, thats bad for you, come running with me.
So the Elephant puts out his spliff and the two of them go running through the jungle, they come across the Giraffe, who's doing coke.
Hey mister Giraffe, thats bad for you, come runnign with us
So the the Giraffe puts his mirror and razor away and the three of them go running through the jungle, they come across the Lion, and the lion is injecting Heroin.
Hey mister Lion, the Rabbit says, thats bad for you, come running with us.
The lion puts his needle down, walks calmly over to the rabbit and beats two shades of Shit out of him.
The Giraffe and Elephant look at each other and go, hey Mister Lion, what you doing, he was just being nice,
The Lion replie, Everytime that Fking rabbit is on E, he makes me run round the jungle like an idiot!!!
He comes across the Elephant, who is smoking a joint.
Hey mister Elephant, thats bad for you, come running with me.
So the Elephant puts out his spliff and the two of them go running through the jungle, they come across the Giraffe, who's doing coke.
Hey mister Giraffe, thats bad for you, come runnign with us
So the the Giraffe puts his mirror and razor away and the three of them go running through the jungle, they come across the Lion, and the lion is injecting Heroin.
Hey mister Lion, the Rabbit says, thats bad for you, come running with us.
The lion puts his needle down, walks calmly over to the rabbit and beats two shades of Shit out of him.
The Giraffe and Elephant look at each other and go, hey Mister Lion, what you doing, he was just being nice,
The Lion replie, Everytime that Fking rabbit is on E, he makes me run round the jungle like an idiot!!!
An old married couple decide they want sex as they havent had it for so long....
The woman says to the man "I'd like you to go down on me"......
"Okay" replies the man and sticks his face into her minge.
A couple of minutes later he surfaces gagging and says "I'm sorry dear, but the smell is soooooo bad i can't stay down there"
"oh, okay" she replies "It's cos of my arthritus"
"Arthritus????" he questions
"Yes" she says "I have it in my shoulder and haven't been able to wipe my arse for years"
The woman says to the man "I'd like you to go down on me"......
"Okay" replies the man and sticks his face into her minge.
A couple of minutes later he surfaces gagging and says "I'm sorry dear, but the smell is soooooo bad i can't stay down there"
"oh, okay" she replies "It's cos of my arthritus"
"Arthritus????" he questions
"Yes" she says "I have it in my shoulder and haven't been able to wipe my arse for years"
Erm... Poor, I know... but:
The Indian Rhapsody as sung by Freddie Raj Mercury
Naan, just killed a man.
Poppadom against his head.
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun.
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh oooooooh.
Didn't mean to make you cry.
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow.
Curry on, curry on.
Coz nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone.
Sends shivers down my spine.
Bottom aching all the time.
Goodbye onion bhaji.
I've got to go.
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooooooooooh.
This korma is so mild.
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side.
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy.
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani).
Byriani (Byriani).
Byriani and a naan.
A vindaloo loo loo loo.
I've eaten balti, somebody help me.
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory.
Stand you well back, case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes.
There it goes.
Technicolor yawn.
I chunder.
No!
It's coming up again.
(There he goes).
I chunder, it's coming back again.
(There he goes).
Coming back again.
up again).
Here it comes again.
No no no no no no NO.
On my knees, I'm on my knees.
On his knees, there he goes.
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts.
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
(guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooooooh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby.
Just had to come out.
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Through the ar*e.
Through the ar*e.
Bahji onion Bahji.
Korma, Naan bread.
Nothing makes a difference.
Nothing makes a difference to meee....
Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
The Indian Rhapsody as sung by Freddie Raj Mercury
Naan, just killed a man.
Poppadom against his head.
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun.
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh oooooooh.
Didn't mean to make you cry.
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow.
Curry on, curry on.
Coz nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone.
Sends shivers down my spine.
Bottom aching all the time.
Goodbye onion bhaji.
I've got to go.
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooooooooooh.
This korma is so mild.
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side.
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy.
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani).
Byriani (Byriani).
Byriani and a naan.
A vindaloo loo loo loo.
I've eaten balti, somebody help me.
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory.
Stand you well back, case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes.
There it goes.
Technicolor yawn.
I chunder.
No!
It's coming up again.
(There he goes).
I chunder, it's coming back again.
(There he goes).
Coming back again.
up again).
Here it comes again.
No no no no no no NO.
On my knees, I'm on my knees.
On his knees, there he goes.
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts.
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
(guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooooooh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby.
Just had to come out.
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Through the ar*e.
Through the ar*e.
Bahji onion Bahji.
Korma, Naan bread.
Nothing makes a difference.
Nothing makes a difference to meee....
Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
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