Sean Connery Joke (Volume II)
Discussion
Sorry, Nick, but youve just reminded me of an alternate ending.. .. ..
Nick P said:
An old married couple decide they want sex as they havent had it for so long....
The woman says to the man "I'd like you to go down on me"......
"Okay" replies the man and sticks his face into her minge.
A couple of minutes later he says "Shame about the Titanic"
"What made you bring that up?" asks the old lady
"'Cos it says about it on this piece of newspaper stuck to your arse!"
The woman says to the man "I'd like you to go down on me"......
"Okay" replies the man and sticks his face into her minge.
A couple of minutes later he says "Shame about the Titanic"
"What made you bring that up?" asks the old lady
"'Cos it says about it on this piece of newspaper stuck to your arse!"
A chap goes to meet his new MD in Japan, when he gets there he is told that the meeting has been put off untill the morning and will take place during a round of Golf!
Being early afternoon and having nothing to do he has a wonder around the city he is in. He soon stumbles upon a brothel and decides to get jiggy!! He picks his biatch and off to the room they go.....
Even though he doesn't speak a word of the native tongue they manage to get down to business..
"Haaaya" says the whore
The man thinks she must be enjoying this and speeds up his thurst's
"Haaaya" she cries "Haaaya"
Bloomin loving this he thinks and starts to ram it harder and harder
"HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAYAA" HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAYYYAAAA"
"HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAYAA" HAYA" "HAYA" "HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" she screams!!!!!
Boy she loved it the man thinks, pays and goes on his way back to his Hotel.
Next morning he is on the Golf course with his new boss and it's going great...
Then his new boss Tee's off and to everyone's suprise gets a hole in one....
Thinking of a way to impress his new boss he decides to cheer his new found word of excitment...
"Haaaya"
His boss turns around and shouts - "What you mean
ing wrong hole"
Being early afternoon and having nothing to do he has a wonder around the city he is in. He soon stumbles upon a brothel and decides to get jiggy!! He picks his biatch and off to the room they go.....
Even though he doesn't speak a word of the native tongue they manage to get down to business..
"Haaaya" says the whore
The man thinks she must be enjoying this and speeds up his thurst's
"Haaaya" she cries "Haaaya"
Bloomin loving this he thinks and starts to ram it harder and harder
"HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAYAA" HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAYYYAAAA"
"HHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAYAA" HAYA" "HAYA" "HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" she screams!!!!!
Boy she loved it the man thinks, pays and goes on his way back to his Hotel.
Next morning he is on the Golf course with his new boss and it's going great...
Then his new boss Tee's off and to everyone's suprise gets a hole in one....
Thinking of a way to impress his new boss he decides to cheer his new found word of excitment...
"Haaaya"
His boss turns around and shouts - "What you mean
ing wrong hole"A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........ do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........ do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Fritz is in London on a work assignment. Later in the Dorchester he is feeling a bit lonely and randy, so he decides to find a lady of the night.
He pulls up next to sharon in Kings Cross.
F: "Excuse me, how much for sex?"
S: "£10 for a hand job, £20 for oral, £30 for a tit w*nk and £50 for full sex"
F: "I only have £30, but I would like a shag?"
S: "It's not enough love"
F: "What if I could guarantee you the best sex you have ever had?"
S: "They all say that love"
F: "My Word is my honour, you will have more org*asms than you have vere had"
S: "Yeah Yeah"
F: "If you aren't happy with it then I will give you my watch by way of compensation"
Sharon considered that as it was a quiet night and he was dishy she would let him try.
Back at the hotel:
F: "There are a couple of things that I need you to do"
S: "Like what? - they had better not be kinky?"
F: "Trust me, like I said, it will be the best sex ever"
Fritz get Sharon to go on all fours with a spring under each knee and a spring under each elbow.
S: "this is a little bit too much for me"
F: "Trust me, you wont be dissapointed"
As Sharon is bouncing around on all fours Fritz tells her to quack like a duck.
S: "No Way, I am not a freak ya know"
F: "What did I say? - Trust me, the best sex ever"
There is Sharon, bouncing away on all fours and quacking like a duck, Fritz takes her from behind.
Sharon can't believe what is happening to her, she has no control over her body. Orga*m after orga*m. They are at it for several hours until Sharon can't take any more.
Fritz pays her the £30 and asks her to leave.
S: "I am not going anywhere until you tell me what that was about"
F: "No, No, you wouldn't understand"
S: "Please I need to know so I can tell my boyfriend"
F: "Do you speak German?"
S: "a little"
F: "Well in Germany we call it the 'Vor sprung durch Technik'"
He pulls up next to sharon in Kings Cross.
F: "Excuse me, how much for sex?"
S: "£10 for a hand job, £20 for oral, £30 for a tit w*nk and £50 for full sex"
F: "I only have £30, but I would like a shag?"
S: "It's not enough love"
F: "What if I could guarantee you the best sex you have ever had?"
S: "They all say that love"
F: "My Word is my honour, you will have more org*asms than you have vere had"
S: "Yeah Yeah"
F: "If you aren't happy with it then I will give you my watch by way of compensation"
Sharon considered that as it was a quiet night and he was dishy she would let him try.
Back at the hotel:
F: "There are a couple of things that I need you to do"
S: "Like what? - they had better not be kinky?"
F: "Trust me, like I said, it will be the best sex ever"
Fritz get Sharon to go on all fours with a spring under each knee and a spring under each elbow.
S: "this is a little bit too much for me"
F: "Trust me, you wont be dissapointed"
As Sharon is bouncing around on all fours Fritz tells her to quack like a duck.
S: "No Way, I am not a freak ya know"
F: "What did I say? - Trust me, the best sex ever"
There is Sharon, bouncing away on all fours and quacking like a duck, Fritz takes her from behind.
Sharon can't believe what is happening to her, she has no control over her body. Orga*m after orga*m. They are at it for several hours until Sharon can't take any more.
Fritz pays her the £30 and asks her to leave.
S: "I am not going anywhere until you tell me what that was about"
F: "No, No, you wouldn't understand"
S: "Please I need to know so I can tell my boyfriend"
F: "Do you speak German?"
S: "a little"
F: "Well in Germany we call it the 'Vor sprung durch Technik'"
Time for some punchlines. (*)
"Very nice, but I am afraid you need to dial 9 for an outside line."
"I already have. When you were not looking I shat in your handbag."
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Now try it with the club out of your mouth."
"Lost on the beach at Goose Green."
"To get to the font before Sister Angelica sticks her ass in it!"
"£20, same as in town"
"F**k off, Vampire"
"He was caught with cheese behind his foreskin."
(Sudden rush of nun jokes there, sorry.)
* - Complete jokes available on request
"Very nice, but I am afraid you need to dial 9 for an outside line."
"I already have. When you were not looking I shat in your handbag."
"Dopey shagged a penguin!"
"Now try it with the club out of your mouth."
"Lost on the beach at Goose Green."
"To get to the font before Sister Angelica sticks her ass in it!"
"£20, same as in town"
"F**k off, Vampire"
"He was caught with cheese behind his foreskin."
(Sudden rush of nun jokes there, sorry.)
* - Complete jokes available on request
s grannies? 
New slant on an old format:
There once was an Engineering Contractor who lived his whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for, he
believed in knowledge transfer and never kept information from others.
In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation.
One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus
and died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by
St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.
"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a contractor make it
this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in." said the contractor.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.What we're going to do is let you have
a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose which one you want to spend eternity."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the contractor
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and the contractor found himself stepping out onto
the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front were all his
friends - fellow contractors that he had worked with and they were all
dressed in dinner jackets and cheering for him.
They ran up and greeted him and they all talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where he enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
He met the Devil, who was actually a really nice bloke, and he had a
great time telling bawdy jokes and drinking.
The contractor was having such a good time that before he knew it, it
was time to leave.
Everybody shook his hand and waved goodbye as he got on the elevator.
The elevator then went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
and the contractor found St. Peter waiting for him.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the Contractor spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds
playing the harp and singing.
He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got him.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity."
The contractor paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the contractor
went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth.
He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him.
"I don't understand," stammered the contractor, "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course, a country club and we ate lobster and
laughed, drank and had a great time.
Now there is a wasteland of rubbish and all my friends look miserable"
The Devil looked at him and smiled.
"That's because yesterday you were a contractor, today you're
permanent staff."
There once was an Engineering Contractor who lived his whole life
without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for, he
believed in knowledge transfer and never kept information from others.
In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation.
One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus
and died. His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by
St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.
"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a contractor make it
this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in." said the contractor.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.What we're going to do is let you have
a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose which one you want to spend eternity."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the contractor
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and the contractor found himself stepping out onto
the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front were all his
friends - fellow contractors that he had worked with and they were all
dressed in dinner jackets and cheering for him.
They ran up and greeted him and they all talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where he enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
He met the Devil, who was actually a really nice bloke, and he had a
great time telling bawdy jokes and drinking.
The contractor was having such a good time that before he knew it, it
was time to leave.
Everybody shook his hand and waved goodbye as he got on the elevator.
The elevator then went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
and the contractor found St. Peter waiting for him.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the Contractor spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds
playing the harp and singing.
He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got him.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity."
The contractor paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the contractor
went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth.
He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him.
"I don't understand," stammered the contractor, "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course, a country club and we ate lobster and
laughed, drank and had a great time.
Now there is a wasteland of rubbish and all my friends look miserable"
The Devil looked at him and smiled.
"That's because yesterday you were a contractor, today you're
permanent staff."
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